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Original poster

How do I approach my host mom about an issue as an au pair?

81 replies

Klaraagnete · 17/11/2019 02:29

I realise this is very long, so if you can take a look at just one of the issues and help out it would be greatly appreciated!

Excuse any mistakes as English isn't my native language.

Background information:

I'm a 19 year old Scandinavian girl working in the UK as an au pair.
I work in a family of 5 with my main responsibility being the two youngest (5 and 11) and what was supposed to be small household duties around the house(dishes, sweeping, and laundry). Before coming over we signed a contract, and according to that I should work around 30 hours a week for the weekly pay of 100£.
We agreed on that as I am studying while working here, which I was very clear about before we even started negotiating details and such.
It's my first time being an au pair and the first time for them having an au pair.

I have 3 problems that I want to discuss with the host mom specifically as the father works abroad 5 days a week.

  1. Workload

The family is absolutely lovely, and I truly enjoy living with them, but I felt from the beginning that the work amount was bigger than imagined. I figured that I probably just needed to get into a routine and that I would do it faster after a few weeks.
I've now been here 7 weeks and I still feel overwhelmed by the workload. So 2 weeks ago I started writing down the work I did each day and how long I actually worked, and it was far beyond the 30 hours we agreed on. The first week was 47 hours, and this week was 57 hours, as the mom had me babysitting 3 nights and go to an event at the school that she should have attended, but she didn't as she needed relaxing time and had left for an airbnb and the father lives in another country 5 days a week.

Nonetheless the first week is pretty accurate for the amount of work I do without any additional babysitting duties. And that is 17 hours more than the agreed on.

I'm having major troubles juggling the responsibilities, as I also have my studies that I'm supposed to spend around 25/35 hours a week on. I've tried to do the work quicker but the host mom said that I was doing a sloppy job and had to spend some more time on it.

The host mom is clearly stressed about working a full time job and being a single mom through the week, and I feel really terrible about not being able to help her as I really like her. While I would love to stay as I really love being in their family I'm not sure that the 30 hours I can offer is enough.

In case anyone is interested in how a normal day looks:

7:30-9:00 taking care of the youngest and getting him to school.
9:00-11:00 doing housework, tidying up and start several batches of laundry and fold the one I did the night before.
11:00-14:30 studying and lunch.
14:30-15:20 folding the laundry I washed earlier.
15:20-19:30 fetching the youngest from school and taking care of him and his sister when she gets home.
19:30-20:30 cleaning after dinner, tidying up around the house, sweeping.
20:30-22:00 studying.

  1. Trust

The mom has come with lots of feedback for me, and I have listened to all of it and changed it which she has praised me for and said that if I have anything, critique or otherwise I should come to her.

Yesterday I came to her and said that I felt like I didn't get enough warning about changes to the schedule and what exactly I was supposed to be doing in such situations and that I would like to find a way for us to communicate in a way that she didn't have to explain several times and I wouldn't be confused and anxious. She got mad and raised her voice and said that she had explained it to me twice(i only recall her mentioning it in passing a few days before and then on the day itself, but I could be wrong) and said that she felt like she spend way too much time explaining things to me that I should be understanding by now. She later wrote me a text apologising for being short with me and that we would find a way on our journey together. I should probably have timed it better, but I still feel like it was a completely inappropriate response to me coming with a serious issue that I wanted to resolve, and that I should have been treated like an adult and not like a child being scolded.

  1. Authority

She has assigned a lot of responsibilities to me that I have to do with her 11 year old, but I've had issues figuring out my place in our relation to each other. I tried talking to her about me having authority over the 11 year old as I right now feel like I dont have it and the girl often tells me that the way I'm doing something is wrong because her mom does it differently, and often call her parents to ask for permission to do something/let her brother do something after I said no.
She is 11 so I obviously expected her to do those things, but my problem is that the mom tells me that she knows the family better and probably knows the right way to do something.
I cannot balance the responsibilities without having the desicive power, it's a double bind and everytime the mom tells me to do something with the girl I feel anxious as I don't feel like I have any way to enforce those demands.
So I either need to have the responsibilities removed or have the mom tell the girl in no uncertain terms that when she is not at home then I am in charge.

I truly do want to stress that I really like this family, but I feel unsure of how to bring it up, especially after the host moms reaction when I bhought my other issue.

How do I approach the host mom and discuss this without making her feel attacked?

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monkeyplanet · 17/11/2019 04:18

This is why au pair situation is an exploitative one for parents who dont want to shell out for a nanny. You are working too much and the pay is ridiculous. I dont buy the bullshit people use to justify the low wages

  1. Oh but you get room and board in a nice house in a nice country you can experience the culture and go sightseeing (How? When you are effectively a full time worker)
  2. Oh but you get to practise your English (you'd be better of with a tutor or making friends or even getting a real job while you are in the country)

Tell her to piss off and find a better family, a real job or enrol full time in college/uni if finances allow. You are being taken advantage of and I doubt a reasonable conversation will set her straight. She seems like a CF who is happy to exploit and underlay a young person just so she can have childcare. She doesn't need an au pair, she needs a full time nanny but can't afford it and is making it your issue

Eledamorena · 17/11/2019 04:15

Did you find work with this family through an agency? If so, they should help resolve the situation and, if that is not possible, help you find a more suitable position/family.

I agree with others that you are being massively taken advantage of. The mother may well be stressed with working while her husband is away, but that should not really impact you and your role. You are working far longer hours than you are being paid for.

The issue with the 11 year old is espwcially frustrating and the mother is totally undermining you... you are absolutely correct that you need to have proper authority over her when she is in your care, and if she calls her mum the mum should back you. If she disagrees, she should discuss it with you later.

You sound amazing and your English is excellent!! I'm based in SE Asia so we have a live-in nanny rather than an au pair and her hours are long (as is standard here) but I would LOVE for her to be proactive in talking to me if she felt she couldn't perform her role properly or that things weren't working well. Sadly that isn't the way it works here and it is totally normal to have nannies working crazy hours in terrible conditions, and definitely with no authority over the children (the way many children here talk to their nannies is dreadful!) There is little in the way of legal protection for them but I believe in the UK there are now proper standards for au pairs, including hours worked, pay, types of responsibilities (any housework or cooking should really relate only to the children, not to the adults/general running of the house), even the accommodation. So you are not alone.

If you don't have an agency, maybe CAB (Citizens Advice Bureau) could help you? Google your nearest one and go along. I doubt they will know much or do much as au pairs will not be their area of expertise, but they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Good luck!

Whynotnowbaby · 17/11/2019 04:03

As others said, you are being treated badly and you must not put up with it. It’s so easy to say and much harder deal with when it’s you having to do the talking but you need to make an appointment to speak to the mum. Tell her what you’ve said about liking it and wanting to make it work but reiterate that you have been clear from the start what hours you could work and this is too much. (Actually 30 hours is also too much especially for £100 in my opinion). Don’t be afraid to look for another post if she won’t move on this. You don’t owe her anything and if she needs a full time nanny and housekeeper, that is not you! Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2019 03:38

You are totally being taken advantage of. If this placement isn't working for you, don't hesitate to find another. £100 a week is absurd for all you do.

hm246 · 17/11/2019 03:04

I think you are being massively taken advantage of. £100 a week for that level of work does not sound correct. Sit down with the family and the written contract.
Good luck

stroopwafelgirl · 17/11/2019 02:44

They may seem lovely but this woman is massively exploiting you. It sounds like they are using you as a full-time nanny/housekeeper rather than a part time au pair. I think you’re in quite a vulnerable position due to being in a new country and in the home of people who don’t seem to care for your wellbeing, but hopefully there are some steps you can take to try and sort the situation out.
Firstly, do you have a formal contract? I think you need to schedule a meeting with the mother and let her know that her expectations far exceed the number of hours specified and the level of pay.
Secondly, you say you are studying - are you at university? Do you have a personal tutor or a welfare team who you can talk to about this situation? Can you talk to a family member and get their perspective?
Ideally I think you should get out of this arrangement but I know it’s not easy. It sounds like any family would be lucky to have you, so maybe start looking for an alternative arrangement!
Wishing you lots of luck - p.s: your English is excellent.

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