How do I approach my host mom about an issue as an au pair?

Stand your ground and do not come back! She is trying to guilt you into staying. Say no!

Just say that you have made arrangements for January now that you are leaving. Don't let her guilt trip you into staying. Just be yourself and be pleasant over the next two weeks and then leave. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm really sorry this has happened to you but I'm glad you are leaving.

See you just said you're not staying - good luck, hope your next family is better! And now you know what to look for, and can nip any issues in the bud early.

If you're thinking of staying, you need to show the HM your typical schedule and talk about ways to make it more reasonable.

For example, how do they generate so much laundry? We are a family of four, my husband and I do all the laundry including linens on the weekends and then a smaller batch on Weds, and our AP folds & puts away the kids' laundry only on Mon and Thurs, takes about 20 minutes max each time. You should not have to do the parent's laundry.

Also when does the mother come home? Our AP is off the clock around 5:30/dinner time, when we take over the kids. Sometimes she helps to clean up afterwards, sometimes not - but this is as a member of the household, not paid, and if she wants to go do something we put a plate aside for her or she makes her own dinner (she's on a low-carb diet).

We have a written schedule/checklist of daily tasks, and a whiteboard that we keep lots of details on. Having things in writing is so important. Also she needs to let the daughter know that you're in charge, but you also need to have an agreement about how much you need to push on things like homework as often the conflict is not worth it and is overall destructive to relationships (I have a 12 year old daughter, we have some of the same challenges - I deal with issues myself whenever possible, even if it's after the fact).

Good luck and keep us posted!

If the nanny friend exists i bet they underplayed what it is you do.
I hope you find a better family.

She tells me what she’s done, I sign it. If she forgets something, she gets a detention (never has), ultimately that’s her responsibility. It’s really no big deal
I agree but i have a feeling the host mum would totally blame it on OP if the girl got a detention.
I'd probably leave the family and go on Au Pair World op.

The forced 30 mins 1-2-1 time is ridiculous with the daughter. She is supposed to be starting the slow process of becoming autonomous. It is for her to start working out how to schedule her life to ensure her homework is done. She is going to kick back more and more especially as the mother has made clear you have no authority over her.

I have an 11 year old. No way would I dictate this. She has just started secondary. She goes and does her homework immediately she gets home from school because that is how she’s decided to schedule her time. If she wanted to do it after dinner, that would also be her choice.

Maybe have a chat with the 11 yo today out of her mum’s earshot at breakfast. Ask her how she wants to play it. Discuss together her wants and her obligations. You may find if she is allowed half an hour or an hour in her bedroom, she will be ok to come out, be with you and do her homework.

And why can’t she do her homework in her room? Life increasingly becomes a negotiation at this stage and if you’re not spending time fighting with her, you’ve got time to do other stuff. I leave my dd to do her homework. She tells me what she’s done, I sign it. If she forgets something, she gets a detention (never has), ultimately that’s her responsibility. It’s really no big deal.

The mum sounds like she feels guilty for not being there, perhaps hasn’t even realised her dd has grown up a bit and is making you bad cop. It all feels very enmeshed.

Can you just do your hours this week and see the mother reacts when you do what you’re supposed to do? If you looked after the children, cleared up in the evening, but didn’t sweep, maybe did anything else in that time you could fit in, this would perhaps be your 30 hours.

I haven’t had an au pair. But I filled in for a while after exams one year when I was a teen. We agreed to do what the au pairs did. It was nothing like what you describe.

i have an aupair.
he works 7-9am, then 4-7 pm. 2 babysits most weeks.
i put a weekly rota on the fridge - my children's bedtime changes slightly according to their after school activities.
he tidies the kitchen/sweeps the kitchen floor daily
opens the kids bedroom curtains/makes the beds (when he remembers!)
cooks (badly) about 1 per week....pizza usually LOL while i am out with another child
goes to college 2 days so he only works 7-8 those 2 mornings

i will say 50 minutes to fold laundry is long.....i take 10 mins per load. get the kids ti help you and speed up if you can

do the laundry/tidying when you have the children rather than during the day that way you will work 7.30-9, 3.20-8.30 which is much more manageable.

re the 11 yr old you do need to talk to hm about that (in my house i back the aupairin front of the kids even if i disagree)

tell hm that you cant juggle everything and so you need to readjust your 30 hours

Good for you for standing up for your rights. I hope you find another host family as that one are using you as cheap labour. You deserve better. Good luck, I’m sure you will do well with a nicer family

They are exploiting you. Please leave and find an alternative family. Preferably through an agency who will offer you more protection.

I agree with the previous poster. Go onto au pair world and advertise to look for another family. With perfect English etc you will be very much in demand. Up to you, but I'd be straight with prospective future families about your current circumstances at Skype interview stage.... I interviewed a couple of au pairs who hid from me a similar situation and whilst I understood why they were looking to move it made me worry I couldn't properly trust them.

I paid a similar amount to your current family to take the kids to school 4 days per week (looking after them from approx 8am with school start at 8.55), and to pick them up at 3.30 and I'd be home by 6ish...also 4 days per week. Up to two nights of babysitting per week... Rare that I'd use both and if I did at least one would be after kids were ready for bed. I'd ask the au pair to do maybe half an hour max per day help with laundry.

Yours is a nanny/housekeeper job. Totally exploitative for an au pair.

I doubt this is going to get better. This family need a nanny not an au pair.

Start looking for a new position, they are exploiting you.

You sound like an incredibly intelligent, thoughtful and kind woman (with excellent English!). They don't deserve you.

Good luck.

Totally exploitative. I have had au pairs and was in a similar position to your boss, au pairs worked 18-25 hours a week (I had other childcare organised, the au pair was sort of my ‘booster’, no housework beyond helping tidy kitchen and care of her own room, and one night babysitting. In reality there was a lot of flexibility too. We had a cleaner or I did the housework myself. I paid them more than you’re getting too

What a surprise, we all got on brilliantly and I’m still in touch with all of them. However I had a very exploited experience when I was an au pair, and all my au pairs had a previous/subsequent experience where they were insanely over worked or under paid.

I can tell you this: You are a dream au pair, (sensible, conscientious, excellent English) you will be so in demand. Get on au pair world and find a much easier experience than this.

I went to a talk on Modern Slavery recently and the subject of au pairs was covered. There is huge potential for young women to be exploited. You worry you're going to lose your home if you say anything or stand up for yourself. It's horrendous. There's a helpline you can call if you feel you need more support www.modernslaveryhelpline.org/

I honestly think you should look for another placement. We have had au pairs in the past. Hours were agreed up front and just involved minding the children and feeding them. No additional chores. Babysitting was always paid as the 30 hours were already used up during the week.

First of all - she should never be shouting at you. If if happens again, say "please don't shout at me" and walk away.

I give my au pair a weekly sheet on a Sunday morning which details what's happening during that week. If you PM me with your email, I'll send you a copy of my last week's one. You could ask her to do something like that and that would remove any confusion on either side.
I give her a copy and another one gets put on the fridge.

Most au pairs agree to 2 babysits on top of their hours, three is excessive and you should ask to be paid for the extra one. I personally would not ask an au pair to look after the children overnight, unless, they'd been there a while and I would pay extra.

As an au pair, you should not be doing her laundry or sheets at all. Your host mum should share the after dinner tidy up duties with you.
There is a list of tasks that are considered "light housework" on the British au pair agency website here.
bapaa.org.uk/au-pairs/what-is-an-au-pair/

Incidentally, some of the replies above are written by people with absolutely no knowledge or experience of hosting and au pair. If you decide to move on to another family, you want to advertise on au pair world. It's inexpensive and there are lots of families, which makes it easier to select one who you feel is most suitable for you and your other commitments.

Finally, yes, she needs to back you up with the daughter or you're never going to have any clout with her.

Hope today goes better and as I said, if you pm me, I'll send you a sheet (it's too long and outing to post on the thread).

Also wondering what the work is with the 11 year old - when I was an au pair, one of my duties was helping with homework etc. and speaking/playing with the 3 kids in English (the family were European)

Laundry is ridiculous nowadays imv. Every piece of clothing is washed every day and sheets, towels once a week at least. Can it all go to the laundrette. It's either that or she pays a cleaner.
I can't see the DD getting easier to manage. What do you have to make her do ? I would leave her to her own devices and let the DM set her rules.
You could clean up after dinner after dinner. Or eat earlier.
She is seeing laundry etc as something you do whilst in the home not realising that you actually need free study time.
Babysitting is extra pay.
If this is her first au pair she might just need help to get a sensible set of demands. But might not take it well. So it might be easier to leave.

The family is not lovely. They are lovely to you as long as you do exactly as you are told. Otherwise the mother shouts at you and 11 year old daughter undermines you.

The mother has made it clear you are at fault and she wants Cinderella in her home for £100 so I don’t think returning and just doing your hours will work. She will be horrible to you imo if you try to assert yourself.

Idk if this is possible. However, I would consider not returning after the weekend. If you were my 19 yo daughter, I would not want you to go back. What do your parents / family say?

Whatever you decide, be careful. As others have said, you are being massively exploited.

I used to be an au pair and I was certainly not doing anything like the amount of hours you are doing.
I went out to a language school every day too so I could only really fit in light housework (which me and the host mother used to do together).

I dont think its entirely uncommon for families to host an au pair and then treat them as you are being treated. I've seen some households on the past which are outright shocking. There is a
level of exploitation in relation to au pairs owing to the fact many have almost no English, are very young and wont complain. Obviously the families who treat people like this have absolutely no consciences but au pair is definitely taken by some to mean what you are describing.
My impression of an au pair is what you are expecting and if the family require more than an hour or two of light housework or laundry in total including cleaning the kitchen after kids meals the family need a good regular cleaner too.

Realistically, they are requiring a live in housekeeper who also does childcare.
In my area of London this will cost them about 450 per week.(comparatively you're a bargain!) You can now see why shes using youu the way she is!
I would imagine its contracted for you to for one night a week baby sitting? That would be normal?
I would not necessarily take that to mean all night unless stipulated in the contract. You should be asked to do extra babysitting and feel free to refuse. She can book a baby sitter or pay you extra if want it.

Overall I would look for another position. I'd consider looking through an a pair agency. I dont think your host has the first idea how to treat people or any conscience about it. Nannies and aupirs always love the family children but there are lots of children to love in the next job.

Good luck.

OP not only is your English amazing but you sound very mature and wise beyond your years. The family is incredibly lucky to have you.

As others have said, you are being exploited. You are doing the right thing by logging what work you are doing. I would try to insist on a meeting with the mother in the next few days if possible rather than leave it for another week.

There are au pair agencies which can find you an alternative placement if you wish to leave.

Good luck.