New au pair - no family/couple space!

Honestly, go with your gut. If he's not a good fit then that's a reason to make a switch.

The tickling thing would really really bother me. He doesn't sound like he's attuned to your children's emotions and frankly that's a deal breaker for me when I'm leaving my child with someone.

Oops the girl came for a few years during the summer holidays for a couple of weeks.

I would hate to have anyone in my home let alone an overbearing boy. The only time we had someone like this was a family member for a few years as a young / mid teen to improve her English and help out with dd. She was far more mature at 13 than this guy.

I’m surprised you say you’re making a saving. When you factor in all the hassle and on costs like food and washing costs, petrol if you take him somewhere, meal out etc, I would have thought it would be at best break even. His wages are the same as after school care. Would morning care really cost more than his additional costs?

I agree with sitting down with him and discussing expectations. It sounds as if he thinks he’s a child guest in your home and you’re his surrogate mummy. From the way you describe him, I’m not sure I’d be trusting him to look after my children, especially considering how little your dd is.

Someone said your au pair was Italian. Is that right? Don't you know about Italian boys op? They are used to their mamas doing everything for them. Teenage boy au pair- what could go wrong? Er....

It's not going to work out. This guy hasn't a clue. I also agree with what PPs have said about Italian men. He's not going to undo that conditioning while at yours.

Next time I'd recommend considering Scandinavian au pairs. Generalising massively of course but IME, young people in Scandinavian counties seem to be more encouraged to be more independent and have more common sense.

@19steph RTFT!

I was an au pair once. I don’t think families really realize what being an au pair means. Yes our first responsibility is your children at all times.! But then remember you took us out of our comfort zone and just expect us to function normally in an unknown environment.! I was blessed enough to have had an amazing host family. They payed my phone, car and gave me money to help towards my studies. If they went to the mall I got invited to join. If they went out to dinner they automatically assumed I would join them.! They made sure especially in the first month or so that I was happy. The au pair might be living in your house but guess what. That’s what you signed up for and it’s your responsibility to make him feel like family.! Hence the term “HOST” family.! Yeah he can absolutely back down on the constantly wanting to know where you are and stuff.! But then again my family always let me know what they had planned for if something happened I know where to go look for them.! I think a lot of these problems is both ways.! You are looking for someone to take care of your child but not be in your “space” while being available 24/7 for when you need them.! That’s impossible. And yes 19 year old boys are immature.! They all are. Some just hide it better.! But also remember so were you once in your life.! He might just need a bit of guidance.! And the most important thing.! Us as au pairs can feel when we are not welcomed and loved.! And the way you are talking here I can tell you 100% he can feel that’s how you feel toward him and his only way he knows how to deal with it is to become too much.! Make coffee, sit down alone with him and talk.! Just talk about it all.! I can almost say with 100% certainty that things will go better from there on.!

If this arrangement doesn't work out for you I'll happily be your au pair! An employer like you would have made me far happier about being an au pair instead of quitting when I had a horrible family and going back to live out nannying! He sounds incredibly immature! I do hope it works out for you though, your littles deserve someone awesome! Glad you put your foot down regarding the tickling, very odd that he'd do that when your little one is clearly unhappy with it!

Sometimes I think it’s be great to be an au pair, live in someone’s house and I’d quite happily load the dishwasher, prepare supper (I’m a great cook) do the school run, sit with the children whilst they do homework, take the children to activities (clean driving licence) bake cakes and then get pocket money

Where do you live op is it good for cycling 🚴‍♀️ I could cycle in the day between a bit of cleaning and ironing 😉

Can I come and be the au pair 😊

Re the piano Op, I don’t want to sound mean but could you lock it when you are working? And yes a thousand times protect your daughters boundaries.

PS his summer camp experience is in all probability the local church? Often called a "Campo scuola" but with no overnight stay or domestic stuff involved. A Campo scuola can be residential - lots of our kids do that once they hit 16 or so, but then they're not expected to be doing anything with younger kids- it's more of a religious retreat. All senior school kids who still attend the parish are given the chance to be helpers on the younger kids Campo scuola- a week or so of playing with them in the mornings or afternoons in the church.

Ah, he's Italian.
(I'm in Italy, and was an au pair in Spain when at uni)
Now, a LOT of my final year kids ask me about au-pairing and I have never yet told one of them to go for it

Unless he is very very different from the average male 19 year old Italian, he has no idea what being an au pair means, and his family are happily telling everyone he's having a year out living with a British family to improve his English.
I had 2 university girls I initially started helping to find au pair jobs and the point where one said "but what if the mother doesn't know how to cook pasta properly?" while the other asked of it would be rude to ask the family to buy the brand of shampoo for her that she liked, I decided to pull out of negotiations for them

I stand by my initial post about what au pairs are, and should do, sure, but as someone who has taught 150 Italian 18 yr olds for the past 25 years, and seen the prevailing mentality of women in the kitchen, men in the parlour with the port, I'd not entertain either a female or male Italian au pair.

I'd do some gentle digging as to why he's doing the job, what does HE think he should be doing etc.

If you're child didn't do the chores you gave them then most people wouldn't give them their pocket money. Yet if we did the same to au pairs it would be uproar! I only take au pairs out for meals for special occasions e.g. a goodbye meal for them. Otherwise I leave them to their own devices. I certainly don't bring them to my grandads house for Sunday lunch.

Talk to him and ask why he is finding it hard to do things for himself - such as purchase tissues in a shop or go out of the house?

Isn’t he Italian by the way? (I used to live in Italy, my son’s father is half Italian, and it sounds like an Italian mammone 😂😂😂. Any way, I had three au pairs although various characters and older who were similarly enjoying. Very demanding, noisy, treating my home like a free hotel, not fulfilling their duties ( not even playing with my son), sleeping until 10 am, noisy and expecting to be paid good money for being in my house and taking care of themselves. I let them go after one month. One was partying few times a week, coming back home at midnight pr later, and next day saying she can’t take my son to school because she has a headache. And demanded to that I buy a new mattress for her as she didn’t like the one I have just bought for her. I just threw her out next day she came home drunk at 1 am and supposed to take care of my son from 7:30 next day ( for 1 hr in the morning). She also smoked in my house, despite being told in advance there is strict no smoking policy (she lied to me that she is non smoker). I told her to go to her friends she was drinking with and gave her 24 hrs to leave my house. She later sent me a letter demanding one month “wedges” of the notice period.

One months earlier she went for holiday, took advanced pay, spent all money and told me I have to Olbia her a ticket, otherwise she’s can’t come back... and that I have to come to pick her up from other part of England at 11 pm after she overslept in a bus because she was partying the previous night. I add I am a single mum ( ex lives in Italy), and she didn’t see a problem that I leave my son at home to provide her a 2 hrs ride, or I will drag my sleeping son overnight, while he has to go to school and I have to go work next day ( I am a doctor by the way, so quite responsible job next day), so I eventually paid over 100 lubes for her taxi home.
I had also great au pairs, very friendly, who were actively taking care of my son, helping at home more than expected, cooking, organising their life, going out but with keeping balance and not disturbing.
For those who say that the au pair is a family member- she is not. She is a stranger coming to a stranger family. She should be treated like you would treat a family member but she is not a family member. However a family member does not mean your child.
Au pair is not your adopted child. She/he is an adult. Has duties. Has benefits from being at your house, including financial.
To those who say that we want a nanny for the au pair price- the au pair costs actually like a part time nanny. So we expect the child care. If you count- the au pair has free accomodation ( in this case in London), which is worth several hundred pounds, free food and laundry- another few hundreds, in my case also free phone and local transport pls entertainment- if the same person wanted to work in a restaurant, would spend for the room and maintenance most of the salary, plus would not have free time for studying English... to be au pair is much better. But au pair is not a guest, she/ he has to pay back to family, in child care and help at home. I would expect the au pair to participate in meal preparation or cooking while meal from time to time. We are not the au pair’s servants. I would not serve even my own adult children, I would expect them to serve themselves and help with meals.
Plus to respect my piece. It is my house overall, I work hard to maintain it. And for the au pair maintenance as well. My confirm is a priority. No piano when I am at home. No music. I am actually working full time in a hospital, so I have right to rest at my own home and the au pair has plenty of time when my child as at school, to play music when nobody is at home. Of spending this time outside, it is not my problem.
On the other hand, I don’t treat the au pairs like my replacement in entertaining my child. I take care of my child in the evening, I organise his school things.
Now, after some good and some good experience, I write my expectations in advance. Age is not relevant. I had 35 y old Italian au pair who was a teacher in Italy, and who was the most terrible person and child carer ( my son hated her), she is the one I tree away for drinking and smoking. I also had 20 y old Polish au pair who voluntary was running my house and organised my sons affairs better than me.

I had the au pairs who were ready and with hot porridge at 7 am, and such once who would not wake up before 10 am... ( whole the whole idea of having au pair is to have help in the morning and in the evening....).

He sounds dreadful. If he's acting like a family member then he can act like a teenager and have some independence! He is not invited out every time you go out for a meal, no family member gets to follow you around wherever you go. Don't make excuses, just say you're going out with your mum only. If you need him to be quiet while you work, then he should. If he was studying, you wouldn't play the piano when he was trying to concentrate, it's bad manners. I've had au pairs that want me to parent them, it's never gotten better with time. He sounds needy and ungrateful, currently you're paying someone a lot of money to live in your house, eat your food and annoy you. I would give him a week to start acting like an adult or leave.

Ticking not acceptable.
But it’s normal to invite au pairs out for family meals. Ours would always come if we’re eating out as a family. However, you do need to really spell things out with some au pairs ie. you can’t play the piano when I’m working from home. DH and I like to eat alone on a Tuesday and Friday. You don’t need to answer all what’s app messages and you certainly don’t need to be buying and tissues!
I’d give it a bit more time..but some placement just don’t work out.

Please come down on the tickling like a tonne of bricks. As others have said, it's really not alright.