Our future au pair wants the email address for our current au pair..... What should I do?

streetwise · 2007-07-26T17:18:44+00:00

I don't really want to be talked about by au pairs. How can I get out of passing it on to her? I don't want to look like I've got anything to hide as we don't. A bit of an odd situation.

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macmama73 · 27/07/2007 19:53

I worked as an aupair 15 years ago, if the family had had a previous aupair then I would have liked to have spoken to her. (No emails in those days, lol, how did we cope?)

I rarely ate with the family, just the odd lunch and never sat and watched TV with them.

You should definately set down some rules, so that she knows what you are expecting of her. It is not easy coming into a stranger's home and not knowing where the boundaries are, what is acceptable and what not. Even simple things like doing the dishes can be a minefield, when I think of the thread here a few days ago about whether to rinse or not!

Good luck with your new aupair!

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 19:37

Our ap is keen to keep in touch with the children too - she's very sweet - just very misguided in what being an ap actually means.

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mishmash · 27/07/2007 19:24

My new ap arrived on Wednesday and my old one is still here so you can imagine!!! But new also asked for old one's e=mail and I didn't mind at all - it's not like I have anything to hide.

They are going to remain in contact when old one goes home on Monday because she wants to hear about how the kids are doing.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 19:02

Brummie - you've put my mind at rest in some areas. New ap likes baking! A definite plus. I'd prefer my dd to bake a thousand fairy cakes rather than watch one more episode of Bob the Builder!

She's also out-doorsy - likes juggling! and is currently making a film during her summer holidays. All good.

On the negative side - she does come from a small town with no experience of living abroad or even away from home. But her best friend is going to be living in the next street - so at least phone bills should be kept to a minimum!

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BrummieOnTheRun · 27/07/2007 18:48

oh, and if they've house-shared before (ie at university) then they'll have some idea of realities of communal living and shared tasks.

BrummieOnTheRun · 27/07/2007 18:46

my selection is now based on terrible stereotypes and massive assumptions! For example (I'm going to get into SUCH trouble saying this, but what the hell...), I need someone who'll look after themselves, be reasonably self-sufficient with the kids and who will get on with me and DH over a glass of wine in the evening :

if they are interested in any form of outdoor activity and are reasonably fit, they are likely to be motivated enough to get the kids out and about
if they like baking, cooking issue solved
if they have lived away from home or are from a big city, likely to be more independent. beware young girls from small towns with no experience being away from home
beware boyfriends or close sibling relationships (ie twin sister in SA) = homesick or frequent visitors
Aussies and Kiwis great, but probably have very good social life and will be hungover! (i kind of appreciate that tho!)
Needs a good sense of humour, so I'm pretty relaxed in my communication so they know what they are letting themself in for! I like to see evidence of humour in their responses.

greensleeves · 27/07/2007 18:38

I think they have every right to discuss you. You are discussing them, after all.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 18:34

You can read personality types - please enlighten! New ap beginning in September - but am wondering if she's going to be completely wrong for us too - how do I learn to know that??

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BrummieOnTheRun · 27/07/2007 18:31

all a learning curve. you won't make the same mistake twice, believe me. I'm learning to 'read' personality types!

you'll also have picked up positive things that worked. don't take it personally either. I bet it's just immaturity on her part, not willful manipulation.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 18:29

Brummie - I'm so glad that you say that. So often I end up doing jobs; tidying the kids room etc etc whilst the ap sits watching TV with the kids. It's all wrong! She should be doing the jobs whilst I could do something constructive that the children would actually benefit from.

In the past we've always had experienced nannies - and on the whole they've been amazing. I didn't realise that the whole ap experience could be such a minefield. Perhaps we've been really unlucky with our ap. I'm hoping that the next one will be good (!)

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NKF · 27/07/2007 18:27

I'd check with the old au pair that she doesn't mind and let them talk about me to their heart's content. I think it's reasonable and sensible for the girl to ask. If it was your young daughter off to some strange family, you'd be proud of her for taking such initiative.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 18:26

What I want to know is - how do you decide if it's working out with an au pair or not? With our current one - I've hoped and hoped that it would get better as time went on - but actually it's got worse. She's asked more and more favours until in the end it's just been a lot more effort and I feel like it has been a bit of a waste of energy. I should have just ended it earlier.

For instance - I'm getting married and asked the ap if she could do an unscheduled hour so I could go and try wedding dresses on. She told me that she couldn't as she'd already made plans to go out with friends! It's left me feeling really upset over the last week or so as I feel like I've been a complete mug!

I'm meant to be taking her to Waterloo tomorrow but I feel like I shouldn't do it as the ap could perfectly easily take a taxi (which I'll pay for anyway) on her own.

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BrummieOnTheRun · 27/07/2007 18:25

Oh, I always fall into that one too, Streetwise. Want her to like me and be happy: "oh, don't worry, I'LL do that...you sit down and have a coffee!"

But the easiest time to lay down the law is at the beginning.

My plan this time is to write a clear description of what I expect her to do every session she works and what we expect in terms of sharing work load in the house.

I also found they don't always know what to do with the kids and can over-rely on the TV, so I'm preparing a pick list of activities they can do with them.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 18:16

It's all such a tricky balancing act. Our current ap clearly wanted a Mum - just as you say Brummie. And I've ended up feeling like it's actually more work having her around.

But during the first few weeks I didn't want to come across as really strict. So I was quite chilled out about things. I didn't realise that this would mean that she would basically never pull her weight and just use our house like a hotel.

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BrummieOnTheRun · 27/07/2007 18:11

Hi streetwise,

don't think anyone was intending on giving you a bashing apologies if mine came across in any way judgemental.

sounds like you ended up with someone who was expecting to be looked after and has a mother at home who does everything for her.

you've got a great excuse now to raise this with AP2 as an example of exactly what you don't need: 2 young kids PLUS another person to look after.

I'm expecting our AP to eat with us most nights, but would be extremely pissed off if she didn't cook for the kids (have specified this is a requirement) and if she didn't (at the very least) clear her plates away!

would a clear list of responsibilities/ daily schedule and a list of house rules help, do you think?

eleusis · 27/07/2007 18:04

If I were you I wouldn't stand for the au pairs slack behaviour. You do as I say or you pack your things.

But, I still think she is entitled to a refernce on you if you are entitled to one on her.

I've gotten stricter and stricter as the years of nanny enployer go by. I now have in my contract something about how boys who are not relatives of the nanny are not allowed in the house when we are not home. So, current nanny, who is quite dedicated to her faith, asked me the othr day if this meant that the pastor couldn't come over. I laughed and said "Hmmm, I think he'll be okay."

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 18:03

NAB3 - you're right. You would think that cooking is part of the job. But our when our au pair put on her form that her cooking was 'fair' I thought she'd be able to do basic vegetables/ pasta etc. But she really can't cook a thing. If I've ever asked her to give the children lunch or dinner - she gives them toast!

With our next au pair I'm going to say up front that I'm happy for her to watch TV with us once a week - or basically occasionally. But as it is currently my other half and I don't get any private time - even though the au pair has a TV and DVD player and about 50 films on DVD in her room.

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TootyFrooty · 27/07/2007 17:55

Whatever you do, make sure you have the current au pair's consent before you give out her details (if that's what you decide to do).

NAB3 · 27/07/2007 17:52

To be fair, if your au pair is a foreign girl from abroad she probably doesn't have any friends to go out with. A lot of girls expect to be part of the family but you are entitled to time alone with your husband. Cooking for the kids is part of the job, surely? I au paired in Brussels 15 years ago and I think I only ate with the parents on the first and last night with a few in between. I was there for a year.

NAB3 · 27/07/2007 17:50

Has she said why she wants the address? I know it is obvious that she wants to contact her but for ideas of places to go or to get the gossip on you.

Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 17:50

Okay - maybe I haven't explained myself very well as I'm getting a real bashing here.

Our current au pair sits and watches TV with my husband and I almost every night from about 8 o'clock until whenever we go to bed. If we have friends round she comes in and joins us. She only works for us ten hours a week but has never once cooked the children, herself or us a meal. We prepare every single meal she eats. If I'm cooking her a meal she sits and watches me prepare it and never offers to help. She eats dinner and wine and pudding with my husband and I every night and quite often walks away without even putting her own plate in the dishwasher.

She uses our computer. We've got her a mobile phone etc etc. I'm now thinking what a mug I've been over the last six months! And you probably won't believe that things are even this bad.

The thing is that for the first week she watched TV with us and I assumed that she would get a social life etc and meet friends. She does go out some nights - but if she's not out she's with us. And it gets to a stage when it's too awkward to say anything.

The long and the short of it is that I don't want all these things being passed on to the new au pair as I want to start the whole thing on a different footing.

I'm sure I'm going to come in for a right basing again. And yes I am a bit of a doormat!

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Original poster

streetwise · 27/07/2007 17:43

Eleusis - I don't agree entirely that she's got more to risk. She's moving into a household with my two young children - who are two and three. You say that I would 'just need a new au pair'. Hmm - perhaps - but I'm inviting somebody into my home who I need to trust with two very little children.

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chopster · 27/07/2007 15:48

I don't think it is unreasonable. THe girl prob would like the contact to find her feet int he area with other girls the same age, etc. as much as anything else. Also, whatever the current au pair tells her, it is better to have someone coming with their eyes wide open, and hopefully avoid teething problems.

TiredFedUpNanny · 27/07/2007 15:43

Well what about when employers phone ex employers for references. I think it would be unreasonable for you to deny her this right, as if you have nothing to hide then there should be nothing to worry about. If you have stuff to hide then the new au pair has to judge whether she wants the job. You have your story to put across and so does the old au pair.

I am sure there is nothing to worry about and that you are a good employer, and you just have to make sure there is no ill-feeling with old au pair.

eleusis · 27/07/2007 12:55

I put the new nanny in contact with the outgoing nanny a few weeks before old nanny left. And she did most of the handover for me. It was fab. Old nanny even made a handover book (which I did not ask for) and it was so fab.

Although I guess if current au pair is not up to par, this is not likely to be quite so helpful.

And, old nanny did ask me for a reference from the nanny before her before she accepted the job. Fair enough, I got references from her before offering the job.

I actually think the au pair is taking a lot more risk than you are in moving into your house. If it doesn't work out, she is the one who has to find a new place to live. You just need a new au apair.