Good that you’ve had that first talk: communication is key. On the face of it, it looks like you both want to end the arrangement but neither of you want to be the one to say so: like you each want the other to end it.
On the other hand, I can see plenty of positives in persistence if you can find a way, and potential problems with moving on to a different childcare provider. You highlight how remarkably well bonded your daughter is, all things considered, and you appear to understand how unsettling a move is likely to be. Then there’s the practical side of things: will some other childcare provider be able to offer the same flexibility around your shifts that is so vital to you?
Wherever you go, many of the issues will go with you: she will still be the same "higher needs child" as you say, and the small number of attendance days will remain a problem.
Without wanting to start another futile 'nursery versus childminder' debate, I think it is over-simplistic to assume that switching to a nursery will be the panacea to all your ills.
It is all too easy to assume there’ll always be someone there ready, willing and able to comfort and carry your child around...... until you encounter the reality of many nurseries. IME that doesn’t always happen.
You don’t have to look any further than the mumsnet threads for examples, currently:-
- a child reported as having lost a fingernail trapped in a door, while the member of staff responsible for him wasn’t present
*a nursery worker allegedly shouting at children; she then told other staff not to comfort upset children
- a nursery worker saying she is "scared something terrible will happen one day" because she is left alone with 6 to 12 babies and the manager gets snappy whenever she asks for help.
I’m not saying this is every nursery, but it shows that you cannot assume a nursery will give better attention.
One good thing about your current childminder is that she has been honest about the situation. I know nursery staff who aren’t allowed to be so candid. At best, they are 'encouraged to speak positively to parents'. At worst, they are under their manager's instructions to tell parents their children have been "fine" all day and not to worry them: what the eye doesn’t see, and all that....
I have to say that’s particularly good advice from QueenBlueberries.
You need another conversation with your childminder in which you are both prepared to say if you want to end the arrangement. Or both agree a date by which you need to see clearly defined improvements achieved. Look into other options, including a truly good nursery, other childminder, or nanny if you can stretch to the higher cost. Ask if your childminder can recommend another registered childcare provider, or if she would consider employing an assistant to share the load a little.