Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks