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Original poster

Aupair's boyfriend sleepovers

137 replies

Isuxasanannyboss · 10/05/2019 10:59

Hi, I've read all previous posts about this topic and I'm still not sure how to manage the situation. Lovely aupair whom we treat as part of the family (albeit my complain to her is that she's a bit untidy and doesn't clean so our housekeeper cleans her bedroom), she's got a lovely boyfriend. Her (tiny) room is on the other side of the flat and has a relatively independent entrance. I say 'relatively independent' because it is one that we also use when we have wet shoes or need to hang coats.
She's been with us for quite a long time, on and off (because she returned to her country and came back). In the past our rules where no visitors. Period. No friends, no boyfriends. As I got to know her, I allowed her to bring some friends with previous notice. We never really met the previous boyfriend, because he didn't want to come. She started a new relationship last year. The guy is an English guy who lives in London and has his own flat (a bit further away from home but still local). We met him, we like him a lot and I'm happy that she's happy. We have invited him to come to the country over a weekend. I've told her that he can come home but I also asked her not to bring him unannounced.
I found out that her boyfriend has been staying regularly overnight. I heard the door once at 6am and she told me it was him and that he had stayed because she was unwell and was looking after her. I thought it had been a one-off occurrence. Two days ago I ran into him in the morning when I went to get my coat. I wasn't happy to see him.
I feel uncomfortable with the boyfriend (or any friends) staying overnight without asking in advance or at the very least letting me know. I don't feel comfortable with the boyfriend being a regular feature in the house, laying on the sofa watching a movie or having dinner at ours.
I'm not sure what is it. I would feel exactly the same if she was my daughter, I don't know if it's a control thing, the way I was brought up, the country where I come from or what.
She had a difficult upbringing. Her mum was very conservative and controlling and suffered from bipolar. Once mum died, everyone did whatever they wanted. I come from a traditional catholic family, although I'm not religious myself.
I feel invaded. I feel I choose one person to live with but not that person and whoever she wants to bring whenever she wants. I feel we're being taken for granted, I want to be reasonable, I'm open to show a degree of flexibility but I also want to feel comfortable in my own house. I don't want to feel I may run into someone who is staying overnight, no matter how lovely her boyfriend is.
How have you managed this situation yourselves, what are your house rules, please be absolutely honest if I'm being unreasonable. I may print this thread and show it to her so I want to hear as many different points of view as there are.
Thanks

OP posts:
Jedeye · 15/05/2019 20:30

There are a few differences of opinion but I think most agree with you in this case OP. It is a shame it didn’t work out the way you had hoped with the AP, you certainly supported her above and beyond.

You’ll have to put this one down to experience and now it will be a case of damage limitation. She doesn’t deserve your kindness. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 15/05/2019 13:52

After all of the vile things she has said, I wouldn't allow her to be around my children for one more second. She sounds unhinged and you can't trust her. People who harbour such awful thoughts are capable of horrible things. I would put her out immediately as this is a clear safeguarding issue in my opinion.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 13:41

You've been had. You'll never see another penny of that £22k. Expensive lesson to learn. She's been ripping hte piss out of you for years. I wouldn't give her any notice if her contract is a no notice period because I wouldn't trust her with my kids or want her in my house a second longer.

AliceRR · 15/05/2019 09:47

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP

You’ve been kind and generous and you deserve better

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 15/05/2019 09:27

Regarding the loan, I paid for her university fees upfront (£19,000) and lent her £13,000 directly to her, that she needed in her bank account in order to apply for her student visa. She then transferred that amount to a UK Bank account and I didn't ask her to reimburse that money immediately -something I could have done- because I thought she was going to earn it anyway. I don't know whether she's got anything left of that money, she's not very frugal, she buys clothes and shoes all the time so I reckon most of that money is gone.
I had this romantic vision of her succeeding in her career, making it big in life, and our family being part of changing someone's life for the better.
I couldn't see that for some people, receiving too much makes them resentful.
Again reading the comments I see that this is the way some people think and feel, like someone that said I had treated her like an "indentured servant"... It makes me really sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 15/05/2019 09:10

She has a student visa, she can work part time on that visa.

OP posts:
Turpy · 15/05/2019 08:44

Sorry just noticed that you said that she has paid back £10,000 of the loan and that it's 'properly documented'

Turpy · 15/05/2019 08:38

I still can't over the fact you've lent her £32,000 - has she paid much of it back?

It's a massive amount of
Money. Also if she hasn't a job will it effect her status in the UK?

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 15/05/2019 06:18

@yedeye if you read the comments there are a few that think that I’m unreasonable, so I suppose if she lands at @marrymarigold ‘s home or @houstonbees they will not have a problem with my AP.

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 15/05/2019 00:10

I don't see how you can possibly have her responsible for your children in the upcoming month, so how is this notice period actually going to work?

Her lying around in the room, eating your food, while being paid?

queensvillage1 · 14/05/2019 23:29

Sorry didn't read whole thread before I posted and now I have ☺️. She needs to go

queensvillage1 · 14/05/2019 23:25

It's your house OP if her boyfriend staying makes you uncomfortable then it's your prerogative to put a stop to it but as a pp has said this may force her to move on sooner than she would of done otherwise so best to prepare for this as worst case scenario.
I personally would be comfortable with her having her boyfriend staying a couple of nights a week as it sounds like you class her as part of the family but understand why you might not be

Jedeye · 14/05/2019 23:14

I wouldn’t write a recommendation letter OP I would feel too bad for the next family.

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 14/05/2019 23:07

DH and I agreed that for the best of everyone involved specially the children but also ourselves it’s better to give her a month notice, make the transition out as civilised as possible and avoid more drama. If she had kept her mouth shout I would be blissfully unaware of how much hatred she’s got and would think she was lovely with the kids. For my own sanity I will focus on the good things.
Funny one will be writing a recommendation letter.

OP posts:
legolimb · 14/05/2019 22:33

It sounds like it's definitely time for her to leave.

Jedeye · 14/05/2019 22:26

OP what a mess. You have to move her out as soon as possible. She will look back one day and realise how good she had it with you. She’s behaving like a teenager not a woman of 27.

It will be difficult but worth you can relax again in your own house.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2019 22:10

Dear god !! Just read your updates

She is unhinged !!!

I would pay her 4w notice or whatever is in contract

And get rid of ASAP

Not sure what laws /rights live in have - maybe a week to find elsewhere to live

Plus

Hope you had a good agreement written up for loan

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 14/05/2019 19:35

It is difficult being an AP, and at 27 she is really too old for it, so don’t feel bad. What’s coming out is her frustration with herself and where she is in life. She hasn’t got to adult independence and feels bad - so is taking it out on you. You are being attacked as a symbol of her frustration, not for anything about you personally.

Managing this for the kids is very difficult. Normally you need to do a gentle supportive transition but this isn’t going to be possible here. It may be that a clean break whilst not ideal is better for them than being exposed to possible friction.

I have had to do this once in 16 years of employing child carers. It is vile but survivable. But there is no way back from that email: whether it was a family member, friend or employee. And that’s the test you need to use.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 14/05/2019 19:03

Pack her bags and give her a plane ticket. The opportunity for hysteria and drama all over your children needs to be minimised.

Snog · 14/05/2019 18:59

Well it seems from the outside that you AP had a really good deal of things. It's sad that she feels so aggrieved and unappreciative. 27 is quite old to be acting in this way.

It really doesn't sound as though there is any way back from this so I wish you well in finding alternative childcare.

I would enforce her debt and work out a repayment plan as I don't see that you owe her anything and it won't be a good life lesson to think you can behave in this way and get £22k for nothing.

BelulahBlanca · 14/05/2019 18:57

What a brat she has turned out to be!

ThatCurlyGirl · 14/05/2019 18:56

OMFG that email!!!!!! Fucking hell even if she feels that way she is batshit to send it to you!

Sorry OP it must feel so shit when you've been under the same roof as someone for so long, poor you :(

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 14/05/2019 18:52

@WorkingItOutAsIGo exactly, he doesn't have to manage any of those things and would ask me to speak with her if he wanted her to babysit or do any extra stuff.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis of course there's no return. I'm extremely sad and angry with myself. And disappointed beyond belief with the girl.

I quote just a snippet of her hatred filled email: "Telling me a few months ago that I could close the playroom and have a few hours of privacy at night has been the first genuinely disinterested gesture of humanity that I have felt on your part, the only part of the day in which I can feel a little less 'the outsider employee' and a little more at home, feel the freedom to be out with XX and come home to sleep if we are closer to home than to his apartment, and also have him with me when you are on vacation and I am replenishing the energies that you and the kids suck out of me every day, that was what was keeping my emotional balance during the last moths. To take that away from me too is the ultimate oppressive gesture on your part. It's something that not cost you anything but for me it makes all the difference, but it seems that it gives you pleasure to remind all who have lived here that this is your and only your home, that you are the dictator, that here only you and your children have the right to enjoy." "I wont keep giving you my emotional and mental health on a plate and leave this house in a year time needing psychiatric help so you may consider that in that offer you sent me before. Share this letter with your psychologist, the mum's website you prefer or take the time you need to digest this information."

OP posts:
BelulahBlanca · 14/05/2019 18:45

Well I wasn’t expecting that!

Original poster
Isuxasanannyboss · 14/05/2019 18:39

@moofolk you clearly haven't read the thread and what I have included as part of the package for a live in au pair.

@itwouldtakemorethanthis @thatcurlygirl @cstaff DH is very kind and -like me to this point loved the girl; he thinks she's volatile and somewhat stupid having sent this message without thinking the consequences; like me thought she had some sort of plan to dare insulting me and then expecting to stay... He and I are on the same page, she's got to go, we just want to do the right thing for the kids that are super attached to her and to a certain extent the right thing for her albeit she doesn't deserve it.

The only face to face was last night, that she first had a sit down with my husband in which she cried her eyes out, then husband asked me to come to rescue him, I sat at the table with both of them, I said I was shocked and hurt and clearly there was nothing else to talk, that we had to work a timeline for her to move out, she said she was about to have a panic attack, she said she was sorry "for the way she said those things", I said the way wasn't so important that if she thought I was controlling insensitive invasive disrespectful neurotic unempathetic, etc, she shouldn't have come, that I had foolishly thought that her and our family were a match made in heaven but what a poor judge of character I am!!

She hasn't told the boyfriend, she doesn't have a plan B, I suppose she can either move with him or look for another family to live with.

Funny one of the grievances that she brought up was that when she broke up with the previous alcoholic boyfriend and was broke and homeless I offered to stay with us -despite the fact that I had another au pair at the time and offered to do some hours with us to make some money. She was crying all day and laying in bed depressed. I spoke with her about her future, her chances of making things happen for her, that's when I said if she still wanted to come she could come and I could help her, etc. As the days went by and she was still sobbing I told her I had to give her a big of tough love, that she had to get her act together and stop being so depressed because I couldn't have her coming to live with us if she was going to be a mess, that children need positive energy around. That -according to her- was psychological abuse.

OP posts:
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