AIBU - is this too much to ask of an au pair?

Op I came to the UK for the first time when I was 19, signed on as an au pair and the family told me the daughter has anxiety issues. I was okay with it in theory. In practice it was awful- far too much pressure, even though English is my first language and I am fairly hardy. It wasn't fair to me as her issues were severe and really she needed professional help!

Single room is OK, that's what we offer. It's put off one or two candidates, but we are always upfront about it.

Child situation I think is potentially OK if you are upfront about it - some may accept it, some may not. I have heard of au pairs being unhappy when they have not been informed that kids have special needs. I always inform au pairs that our daughter has very occasional seizures but that these are very rare and require no day-to-day care needs.

I would try a childminder for the pick up and collection and explain your requirements. You might get lucky. Also I think you'd be much better off with another proper grown up about.

Getting multiple jobs is definitely not the idea behind an au pair arrangement. The one time we agreed to this it totally took over and the au pair had no time for things like family gatherings days out etc.

I think you will struggle to recruit because frankly most APs want the usual gig- bit of time in the morning and a few hours in the afternoon with primary school aged kids. Arrangements that fall outside of that tend to also attract an unconventional bunch whose expectations may also be harder to manage. I do think you will find people who want to be able to work.

12 yr old should manage their homework on their own. Maybe the AP could help with language homework if they also speak it but that's a big if. I also went through a period of recruiting for a niche skill and that was a bad idea.

I think it is really also possible if you do find someone they could do and say things that make managing the school refuser angle harder. They are not always the most sensitive of people and your really have to look into whether their awareness of and sympathy for mental health issues matched expectations here. Even a professional nanny might need some guidance on that.

Have you tried that outfit Koru Kids? I don't know if you are in London.

We are in a similarly difficult transitional stage of childcare.

easternlord
WHat if she is at work?

If an au pair is required to keep weekdays during school hours available for last minute care of your child that needs to be factored in to his/her salary. Because it means the au pair can't earn additional income from a second part time job during those hours. Everyone has a right to have a second job outside of their contracted hours, I don't think an au pair should be any different.

I agree with PP that DD might go to school much less often once a day at home with a nice Au Pair is an option. I think that needs to be factored into planning just in case. Au Pair could rapidly end up supervising Home Education.

The hours sound fine to me I think the sticking point is the requirement to drop everything any day that your child does not feel able to attend school. Au pairs are supposed to go out, make friends, learn the language and see the country. The 25 hours of work "finances" this. If it's built into his or her contract that all social plans may be required to be cancelled at very short notice, I suspect most au pairs will start to get irritated quite quickly.
Also, honestly? Once you all get comfortable with the arrangement how likely is it that 1 day will slide to 2,3,4........?

It's unreasonable because Au Pair would never be able to make plans. I wouldn't expect my employer to tell me I need to be free to come in one ad hoc day per week- always st the last minute

I think this sounds like a good job for an au pair. Much less stressful than having to deal with eg 2 small children.

As long as this is the deal in writing beforehand, I don’t see what the problem is.

A very tricky situation.
The only thing I would say is that if the au pair is living in the home.,will dd see it as easier to avoid school more ifyswim?

WHat if she is at work?

I would be very concerned that you are looking for someone to do essentially what a parent should be doing, i.e. Supporting a child with their mental health issues. Having someone to supervise a happy, well adjusted teen whilst you're at work is one thing, but what you're asking for is completely different.
Part of your child's issues could be that they don't want to be away from you, as opposed to not wanting to be at school. I think you need to be taking your child to school yourself each day as by 'allowing' them to not go you are feeding the anxiety. This is becoming a real phenomenon now, many children are doing this. Very very few really are having anxiety attacks, and both parents and professionals are quite rightly worried themselves about pushing the child too far.
However, in your case I don't believe an au pair is the answer.

It is fine for an Au Pair who chooses to sign up for it. As long as you are really clear before you go ahead and choose your Au Pair carefully. You could also look at ‘room in exchange for/student room & board in exchange for’ type things. People studying/writing etc often do things like this to save on accommodation expenses. It doesn’t need to be your average green au pair who doesn’t speak English (they’re pretty rare these days tbh).

I’m not sure if you are doing this already or not, but if not It would be preferable if you could adjust your working hours to do the school drop off, both for your DC and the AP. If you can’t do this you need to be very clear about how your DC needs to be managed and when she can let him stay home etc

Just be careful your DC doesn’t see this as a green light to stay home more. Their anxiety must be truly awful for them, but it’s going to be hard on them to stay in school if they miss a lot & unless you want to be home schooling then you need to be so careful balancing their anxiety with their need of schooling 😞. It’s so difficult 🌷

I have a 13 year old DS who began having severe anxiety over school as soon as he started secondary. He is now not attending physical school at all but is doing an online school for children with these types of difficulties. DH and I have had to renegotiate our work hours (luckily I was part time anyway) so that one of us is almost always at home with him, and relatives step in for those times we can't be there.

Knowing what my son went through each morning when faced with going to school, I could certainly not have left this for an au pair, or anyone else apart from close family to deal with. Of course it might be different for your child but I don't really think it's fair on either the au pair or child, sorry.

I think your issue is going to be the ad hoc nature of your daughter not being at school so you need to be pretty up front about it. A slightly older girl who doesn't need English classes might be your best bet. I am really surprised to see that there seems to be a lot of Australian Au pairs around (only because I I live in Sydney and none of the young people I know would go for an au pair type arrangement) so maybe actively target that community? Someone who is willing to play a big of a big sister role would be great.

Occasionally it would be fine, but not once a week. You're going to just have a pissed off au pair if they keep having to cancel their plans.

It seems ok to me as a 12 year old doesn't really need care, just someone in the house to make them a drink and be supportive as required, like many an older sibling does. The full day is trickier though because they are meant to be able to sign up for a course. I'm pretty sure you'll get takers though as it far easier than 3-4 primary kids and parents expecting a nanny

If you go for an au pair age ~25 and are absolutely crystal clear about expectations before they come I think it might be do-able. Help with homework for a 12 year old is fine and I wouldn't get a tutor for that.

Not all au pairs go to English school - I've had two that didn't as their English was already very good. They just hung around visiting friends & going out for coffee during the day.

Finding childcare last minute as you have described isn't sustainable so not sure you have much choice other than an au pair.

It’s almost a live-in carer role, rather than a traditional au pair, isn’t it? I wonder whether it’s worth putting an advert out which is scrupulously honest about your young person’s needs and the support required and see if you get any takers.

Homework help for a 12 year old doesn’t really fit with the rest of the duties, though - that’s for a tutor.

Anxiety in a 12 year old is too much for a foreign 18-20 year old to manage.
Also short notice staying at home again is a big ask for an pair who may well be making day time plans/language course etc.
Yes the hours will only be about 25 per week, but in reality its more as you will be asking them to be free any day with minimal notice. Thus the hours they can't plan things it (because of work) are far more.

What happens now when the 12 yo edited to go to school? Knowing that he’s not massively inconveniencing you, that you’ve made contingencies, is quite a strong signal that not going in is an option...

It doesn't sound too onerous to me, but aren't au pairs mostly people who are only just learning the language, so I'm not certain how they could help with homework?