Childminder, please help! What did she mean by this?

I don’t think she meant she ignored your child. I think she means ignore the tears and carry on playing etc.

I think thats an acceptable approach.

I am a childminder and until recently looked after a little one (1yo) would screw up her face and 'fake' cry, no tears, and it was hilarious. She is the sweetest little thing. Some children do it.

Give it a little while and see how you feel about the childminder

I would talk to the childminder. Young children do sometimes cry when they’re not really upset - it’s their way of talking - and I would understand that the childminder ignored the tears rather than your child, but would have comforted if they persisted.

I used to care for a child around this age who would cry at drop off until the minute her mum had gone, be perfectly happy all day until about 10 minutes before home time, then start crying again!
I never worked out how she knew her mum was on her way, but she did!

I knew she wasn’t really upset because she would instantly stop the moment her mum had gone out of the door in the morning. Had she been upset, I’d have cuddled and comforted her instead of distracting and jollying her along.

She did the same when she started nursery and then school and they jollied her out of it, too, unless there was a reason for it. By the time she started secondary, she’d outgrown it. These days, she laughs with me about it

Incidentally, if your chat reveals that the childminder did indeed mean exactly your interpretation and she completely ignored your distressed child, I’d have her out of there and into another setting fast!
A good childminder will not mind you asking.

I ask parents to talk to me about any concerns. It's always best to get them out in the open and solve any problems immediately. Don't worry about being that mum.

Ignoring the crying isn't necessarily ignoring the child. I wouldn't be happy if she had literally ignored the child, but she might well just have meant she ignored the crying and distracted the child. Clarify.

I've never run across a childcare practitioner who would have literally ignored the child, but generally they would have been like "oh look DC! A lovely birdy! Would you like a snack?" rather than making any reference to the crying.

If your child was older it would have different meaning. But your daughter is ONE ffs. Do one year old's even know how to do crocodile tears?! I wouldn't like it. It comes across quite cold. My DD was 16 months when she went to the childminder & she cried every single drop off for 2 weeks. Not once did my CM play down what DD was feeling. Distraction, yes. Ignoring so your child 'gets the message'? Sounds like the message is 'stop crying, you're on your own'

Don't ever ever worry about being THAT mum. That's just internet talk. Always put your child's happiness and safety first.
Talk to the childminder again.

I don’t like the term crocodile tears anyway. How can anyone be sure?

I am a childminder and I don't like this. Your child is very young and needs comfort to settle in. Crocodile tears or not. I would explain how you parent to the childminder and see how she reacts.

I wouldn’t be impressed with that. She sounds a no nonsense type but I would be worried she was too harsh.

you need to go back and say I've been thinking about what you said can you explain, I sometimes ignore a child's cry when I can see what its about, as in I don't draw attention to the tears but we have a game, read a book etc. For some children say oh dear what's the matter, mums back soon or anything similar results in full blown upset. You could say I'm ignoring the crying but I'm not ignoring the child and I will still cuddle etc as reassurance but then I would without tears too.

I would take it to mean the childminder felt she wasn't really upset, so ignored the crying and she stopped.

I think you need to have a conversation with the childminder about your/her approaches and expectations though.

moredoll - why would you be surprised she's outstanding? Ofsted don't quiz childminders about their 'parenting style'. They look at teaching and learning, children's progress, paperwork. Plenty of outstanding childminders aren't 'gentle parents' or whatever.

I have a new child this week who has cried a couple of times. She didn't really have anything to cry about (apart from being away from Mum in a new place obviously), so I gave her her comfort blanket and sat beside her to distract her with toys. She was soon happy again. Only you can gauge the situation your child is in. We could all speculate on here, but can't all be right.

CM could have worded it so much better, not a great way to communicate with parents.

If you are happy with everything else and get the impression she's very nice I would give it a bit longer but I do think her comments come across that she's cold and insensitive.

MrsFL Really? You got "I was jolly and distracted her" from

I just ignored and she got the message'

I would have taken her comments to mean ‘dd started to get a bit upset a few times but I was jolly & distracted her’? Surely if you dd was upset & CM ignored her then she would have ended up hysterical rather than ‘getting the message’?

But if your gut feeling is that CM is a bit cold or won’t do things the way you would like them then obviously that is more of a concern.

Good luck with the back to work

You know, she's probably picked up on your anxiety, and is trying to make it easier for you to deal with. Children pick up on our anxiety subconsciously, and it will unnerve DD.
The first few weeks are incredibly hard for all of you. Just give it time. Your DD is growing and changing and learning all the time- going to daycare is just something else she's going to master.
I'm sure Childminder meant she'd ignored the tears not your DD!

You need to ask her what she meant! What does she do when your child cries. She will be well used to this settling in period so not in the least phased by it. She won't her comfort like you do. Your child is now one of a group and all their needs have to be balanced but I very much doubt she is totally ignoring an upset child.

Children usually settle very quickly with a childminder so don't worry too much. I'd think within 3-4 days she won't be upset while she's there even if she still cries at drop off for a while.

Nope. I'd be gone. If she said she was upset but I distracted her with toys then fine. "Getting the message" is odd and cold. Trust your gut not a piece of paper, not people on the internet.

Everyone is here so bloody precious.

Kids get upset away from their parents the first time. They all cry at drop off and will continue crying and whinging when they remember that mum isn't there. If you fawn over them, it encourages the crying because they get more attention. So yes, you leave them to it and carry on showing them books, playing with toys with them without drawing attention to the tears. They get over it and settle in.

Give it some time. I work in a nursery and certain children are very upset at drop off. We comfort them and then later it's almost like they remember they are meant to be upset. So they have a little moan and whinge. There's nothing wrong with them, we just distract them again. Definitely give your child longer to get used to it, especially if CM is experienced and highly rated by Ofsted.

What is the message? That your baby cannot expect comfort when she is upset?

I would read crocodile tears as meaning crying insincerely, ie trying it on. So the childminder said she basically ignored the crying and your child 'got the message'. I wouldn't be happy with that.

That’s awful.

I’d look for someone else and tell her why. That’s very cold and odd behaviour for a CM.