Hi! My husband and I decided to have an au pair to look after our 7 years old son and 4 years old daughter. They are both at school. We paid a very expensive agency to source a very good au pair. She is 33. She is a foreign qualified teacher with plenty of experience. She is polite, reserve and very good with the children. We pay her a very good salary (£200 per week). She works a maximum of 25 hours a week. Occasionally she does baby-sitting but not too often, at most once a week and very often, less than that. We have a cleaner who comes 3 times a week and, as it should be, our au pair doesn't clean the house. She doesn't even clean the children's or her own bedroom. The cleaner does everything. We pay taxes, we pay holidays. We are flexible (she needs certain flexibility due to personal circumstances on certain weeks she leaves early on Fridays and work less hours on Mondays). We are considered. We include her in our family plans. In short, we go the extra mile with her because we like her and because the children really like her. We also know she is a qualified teacher and her salary reflects any such qualification.
She is being with us for 4 months and we were very happy with everything. So was she.
However, a couple of days ago she had a funny reaction and I am not sure what to think . I was in the kitchen and suddenly I heard my au pair saying in a very laud and assertive way: "hey! do not hit me!!! You are not going to hit me? Did you hear what I say??!!". Immediately she came to the kitchen with my 4 years old daughter. My au pair was visibly agitated. She said that she needed to speak to me urgently because my daughter has hit her and that was totally unacceptable. I obviously talk to my daughter in a calm and constructive fashion. I told her (in front of my au pair) that she should not hit our au pair. My daughter was very embarrassed. She is a very gentle and very considered little girl. But she is only 4. I don't know why she hit my au pair. Sometimes children do these things and it doesn't mean they are aggressive or that they don't like the person. But she is certainly not aggressive and it was the first time this has happened with my au pair.
My au pair was visibly unhappy. I asked her to forgive my daughter and in a gentle way, and to close the issue, I said: "let's be kind and gentle with each other".
I thought that would be the end of it. But a few days later, I was working from home and my au pair came to my office and, knocking the door, she said it was urgent. I thought it was something rather serious. But she said that my daughter has hit her again and that this is a red line for her, that nobody ever in her life has hit her and that she was not going to put up with any such rude behaviour, that there were limits and that this was a red line for her. She also said that she didn't like the way she sometimes looked at her, in a defiant way, which was disrespectful.
My daughter was next to her, again looking very embarrassed. I talk to her again, calmly and told her this wasn't acceptable. I promise I did my absolute best to ensure my au pair got the reassurance that this was not acceptable for me and that my daughter understood she should not behave in this way.
They both left my office, my daughter apologised to my au pair, my au pair looking rather grumpy and visibly annoyed.
As soon as they left the room where I was working, I thought that my au 33 years old pair, with 10 years of experience in primary education, who gets remunerated accordingly, who enjoys plenty of flexibility with us, who doesn't lift a finger in the house, who we include and pay in all our plans, which I found not just in a random website, but in a proper agency who charged me £1,800 to source her, was not behaving reasonably. To be totally fair to her, I would be annoyed if a 4 years old hit me. I think she was right to bring the issue to my attention. But to do it in the aggressive way she did it, I don't think it was the standards I was expecting from her.
I took a deep breath and after an hour or so, I went to speak to my au pair, very calmly, on a one to one basis. I first told her I was sorry about my daughter's behaviour. But I also told her she was just 4... My au pair was, again, very agitated and did not let me speak. She reiterated that I should know that nobody has ever hit her, that this was rather rude and that she wasn't going to stay with us with a child hitting her. She reiterated the fact that the way she looks at her sometimes is defiant, which she doesn't like. I told her that, although I understood her frustration, I would have thought that for someone of her age and experience, she would address the issue in a more mature fashion. I told her that, as much I would like it, I could not guarantee that my 4 years old daughter would not hit her again. She replied saying that she would then need to think about it.
In that moment my children appear in scene and we finished the conversation.
In short, there is a part of me that understands my au pair. Yes, it is very annoying, that is for sure. I am grateful she brought the issue to my attention. But my daughter is a very caring, good nature little girl and she is very affectionate to my au pair. My daughter is very small and thin. When my au pair says "she hits me" it wasn't anything that could hurt her. This is not to justify my daughter's behaviour but to set the scene.
I think it is not very reasonable or in fact mature of a 33 years old woman of her level of experience to kick a fuss and give me an ultimatum. Firstly, I can't promise it will not happen again. Secondly, it is really not the way to address the issue. But crucially, is this not a symptom that for whatever reason she wants to find a way out of the family and she is just trying to find an excuse? She knows when I hired her that it was extremely important for us to commit to a year of service. In fact, she told me the same applied to her.
I feel very sad for my daughter. I feel as though my au pair may not like her that much after all.
Am I overreacting? Is my au pair being reasonable?