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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Finding it very difficult after giving notice

39 replies

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 09:53

Hello everyone

Ended up having to say to our au pair that it wasn’t working 1/2 weeks ago ( number of things culminating in her saying she’d would never work any Fri/Sat/Sun evening ( I’d asked for 2 in a 4 month period, xtra pay etc).

Anyway I’m now really struggling to deal with still having her in the house. I’m a single parent so the only other adult which doesn’t help, but she is just being extremely difficult and is quite aggressive/argumentative in approach ( she is 27 so not a young girl). Obviously not helping at all now with anything like washing dishes/tidying after the kids/clearing up after herself. Also am now having to pay for an after school nanny as the last 2 afternoons she had the kids I came back and the house was completely destroyed - bathrooms flooded, toilet rolls down toilets, every single room trashed, all bookcases emptied etc. She was there with the kids playing and screeching in all the mess ( admittedly the kids should also know better - they are 4 and 6), encouraging them. She then just clocked off and didn’t help tidy at all.

I’ve obviously offered to pay all her notice and her flight home, but as she wants to find another position she is refusing to leave ( I had 4 weeks notice - she also then wants me to pay her flight at the end).

I’ve had au pairs in the past and nannies and always, I hope, treated them well. I honestly feel like I cannot bear to have her in the house for another week and a half.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 10/11/2018 12:21

Just wanted to update and say although early days the new aupair is just a millions miles away from the last au pair. It’s interesting but it makes me realise how (1) I felt unsure of the last au pair from the moment we picked her up and (2) how she really wasn’t very good from the beginning and instead of persevering trying to work with her to improve things I should have (politely) given notice far sooner. Also from the beginning she didn’t seem to understand how to behave in a shared house. It’s interesting as I immediately felt like new au pair is someone I could safely leave my children with ( even though she is much younger and in some ways comes across as less confident).

So definitely listen to your gut and don’t try to persevere too long I think is my lesson!

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Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 07/11/2018 20:19

Just the usual aupair world. Like I said a good lesson in not panicking at lack of candidates and going back to someone I wasn’t sure of! I’m usually so super cautious with my childcare and have been lucky to have had really great experiences previously!

I met the potential new au pair today - looks very hopeful and has good references and experience so maybe it will all turn out ok in the end.

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Iloveeating · 07/11/2018 13:24

Haha what a nutter. Maybe you will be lucky to come across her new employer and you can inform them of your experience. How did you locate her originally? Can you complain to them directly

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 07/11/2018 11:56

Just discovered she took a load of food and a pillowcase with her?!?

Am now going to try and forget about the whole episode and start afresh.

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speakingtruthfully · 07/11/2018 11:43

Glad to see she's gone , glad the nightmare is over , she was a real cf bit*h

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 06/11/2018 19:47

Thanks everyone

Yes it’s a big relief! I suspect she told new employers a story about me. I actually feel a little bit in shock by the whole experience - and at my lack of judgement in hiring her. And actually I only looked at a written reference myself.

Luckily we have the type of keys that can’t be copied without a code.

I have hopefully found a new au pair as well ( via a recommendation) - so now just need to rejig mentally to feel positive about it again.

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7yo7yo · 06/11/2018 19:31

Change your locks.

Iloveeating · 06/11/2018 19:28

Just to add people like her are soon found out so she won't last long in her next job either

Iloveeating · 06/11/2018 19:27

Shame you had to give her flight money when she isn't leaving the country but sometimes it's just worth it for an easy life and to have her gone.

roses2 · 06/11/2018 17:53

It’s quite possible she told the new family she hasn’t worked as an au pair before hence why they didn’t ask for a reference. Anyway I’ll bet it feels so much better in the house now.

OVienna · 06/11/2018 13:25

She's probably given the new family a sob story.

madmum5811 · 06/11/2018 13:23

What idiot hired her without a reference from you...

notapizzaeater · 06/11/2018 13:23

Have you changed your locks ?

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 06/11/2018 13:20

So she finally left this morning - fairly certain she has a new job. Was very unpleasant and she refused to leave until i gave her the flight money in cash.

Certainly not an experience I want to repeat.

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Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 05/11/2018 16:25

Basically yes. Not sure if it is can’t or won’t. Possibly a bit of both. Hopefully she goes tomorrow morning.

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OVienna · 05/11/2018 12:56

You're paying for a nanny because she won't do her job?

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 18:05

I think the problem @underneaththeash as I’ve come to realise is when someone is in your house it’s just really difficult - they sort of have you over a barrel and are also aware thatbas you really want them out you are likely to pay to get rid of the issue iyswim.

I’ve certainly learnt from the experience!

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underneaththeash · 04/11/2018 17:49

I think you've been very generous.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 17:42

I do agree with you about the signs being there, there were other things to around food etc as well - it’s partly why I acted to give notice when there was the babysitting disagreement.

It’s a good lesson generally - I had initially discounted her in the summer but there were so few au pairs around that I began to panic. I had an instinct she wasn’t quite right but dismissed it. Definitely a lesson in not panicking and hiring someone you weren’t sure was 100% right.

I have now replied to her message setting out clearly (1) the pay situation and (2) what I will pay for ( flight plus bags, notice period pay and taxi to her new accommodation).

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middleeasternpromise · 04/11/2018 17:20

You might also want to stop taking all the responsibility - as you say she's not that young I would go through the payments she has received and make it very clear that it is also her responsibility to check understanding. Email it all to her - notice periods allow both parties to end the agreement with a Grace period so long as both continue to honour the arrangements. She doesn't get to claim all the allowances but not deliver her part. I too have had many authors pairs and most were lovely but I had one, incidentally older, and her ideas about what she was entitled to were an issue from the start. It's the early warning signs you just can't ignore.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 16:43

Yes you have it exactly middleeasternpromise she doesnthink she isnjustified and that is the problem. Also correct that as I had given notice I hadn’t been pulling her up on things - which was a mistake. I’d definitely handle things differently next time and could have handled better. I guess it’s just I’ve had au pairs before and nannies and never encountered anything like this before!

I think one of the main things is she didn’t realise she was being paid in advance ( although as I have her her pay on her first day I said this was her pay for the first week - perhaps I should have been clearer and put it in the contract - so she seems to think I’ve deliberately misled her.

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middleeasternpromise · 04/11/2018 16:26

Bring a friend in to help you have somehow let her think she has the upper hand start pulling her up on mess and any duties she isn't honouring under the terms of the agreement. When people feel they are justified they can lose perspective - this situ sounds broken down so best for both of you it doesn't continue.

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 16:22

I know - it’s just hard to do when I’m not used to people behaving like this!

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DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/11/2018 16:19

You need to start making it unoleasant for her to be in your home then. Maje ger stay in her room not other way round!

Original poster

Ilovecrumpets · 04/11/2018 16:16

Thanks all. The contract only offered flights in the first 4 weeks and if the au pair leaves immediately - so she isn’t covered. I am
however willing to pay for the flight or give her the cash towards it. I’ve said I will give it to her when she moves out - definitely not giving that in advance!

It’s just so unpleasant being hassled all the time in my own home.

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