Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Going rate for occasional minding for grandparents?

40 replies

Iwant2befree · 26/10/2018 02:17

Excuse the long post giving some context.

My PIL occasionally mind their 1 grandchild. Both are retired , MIL lives for grandchild and often says it’s what makes her life complete and gets her out of bed.

DH and I in the past have always thanked PIl for any evenings out in way of gifts / treats / meals out/ paid for family hotel stays/ small tokens etc.

FIL is very suppressing , in general doesn’t want to do anything , go anywhere or ever spend any money (even for a coffee for example while at a park) MIL is opposite has a limited friend circle loves to meet people and be out and about with grandchild. So we would often include her in any events we go to and ensure we treat her to food/ drinks etc that’s FIL would normally make a big deal over.

Both my parents have passed and I have no other family. My DD is in Creche full time. We noticed that although adored by MIL she rarely offered to help for a baby sitting night and we would get a local sitter for a few hours very occasionally when needed. DH approaches MIL who explains that FIL wants to take payment for any baby sitting as it’s a service and services should be paid for.

While I don’t have any objection to paying for 2-3 hours sitting I’m now starting to feel like interactions are transactional.

We pay the going rate of our usual baby sitter. MIL recently refused to be paid for an overnight saying she enjoyed the time immensely and felt to guilty, DH tried several times and she refused to accept. we continue to treat whenever possible , however FIL (who is very passive and would never say anything outright) told DH after this I’m a round about way that all money should be put in an envelope and leave it to ensure MIL does take it. I since took the money for the overnight to FIL and said we want to straighten up the money and he accepted it although MIl was clearly mortified.

I now feel like I’m unsure where the line is..... if we visit them which we often do and I nip to the shop for 20 mins do I pay ? If so how much? MIL won’t discuss money , we end up hiding it in her bag or somewhere. Most recently DH birthday and I arranged for her to sit for about 4 hours, she decided to sleep over so this was then classed as an “overnight” and we paid €50. I sense she doesn’t want the cash in this way but FIL who is obsessed with money does. It’s so sad to see her genuinely with a new lease of life when grandchild is there , but the whole envelope and counting out every hour feels a little cold.

We would never take advantage of her, I feel like we have always gone way above with gifts and paying for things that they wouldn’t pay for themselves or treat themselves too ..... now I sense FIL just sees us as a financial transaction (although he loves grandchild and they have so much fun together)

Friends have advised to go back and use local sitter so lines are clear but this would break MIL heart as she enjoys the few hours so much.

I’m not sure this even makes sense, I suppose I’d just love to hear how others pay grandparents for an odd night out?

Just to be clear I don’t have an issue with giving them money we would be paying a baby sitter - it’s the how much and how often? Where do you draw the line? As I don’t have parents I don’t have anything to compare too in terms of what’s normal or not. All advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
GemmeFatale · 29/03/2019 14:05

Yep. Next time you take them somewhere make a big show of working out the cost. Half it. Have a good time at place mum, you deserve it, dad you owe us £x for your half of the lift.

TurquoiseDress · 29/03/2019 11:15

Wow OP this sounds totally bonkers having to pay MIL to look after her grandchild!

This most definitely is not the norm- at least where we are in London. no money has ever changed hands between us and my parents or DH's parents

I suppose it would be a different scenario if the grandparents were looking after grandchild on a regular basis e.g. 2 days a week while the parents work- then it would perhaps be reasonable to discuss payment.

But even so this is not something that my children's grandparents would ever as of us

We "pay" them for babysitting by way of gifts e.g. bottle of nice wine, chocolates or flowers, or even a meal out at a local restaurant

Your FIL sounds a little bit crazy

underneaththeash · 22/02/2019 19:25

Maybe you just need to start billing FIL for your half of the treats/days out/lifts and other "services" you supply. He may then realise how ridiculous he's being.

FinallyHere · 20/02/2019 08:05

Don't mix family and employment

this ^ wit @tenorladybeaker said

Notmyrealname855 · 20/02/2019 07:58

But FIL doesnt even sound like he does any babysitting, so he can jog on!

Maybe come to an agreement with MIL. But say you’re transferring cash to an account only she has access to? If for example she’d then like to put some of that towards a fund for your DC (or just spend it on herself!) then great, but not on FIL.

Your DP separately needs to have a strong word with FIL about the whole concept of family!

Does DP have siblings?

NiceViper · 20/02/2019 07:54

What is your DH's take on this?

This is about his parents and his DC. It shouldn't be you in the lead tomsolve thus.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2019 07:44

Never heard of paying grandparents unless it’s daytime and they’ve given up a job to look after them

Def not for babysitting

But obv nice treats /flowers to say thank you is a nice gesture

brightsun69 · 19/02/2019 13:52

My parents would be mortified if I tried to pay them for looking after their grandchildren, they have my youngest/pick our eldest up from school etc on occasions as and when we need or they just simply want to have them, we always spoil them on special occasions as a gesture of our appreciation but I know they would be extremely embarrassed and refuse if I tried to pay them.
On the other hand we do more often than not pay my MIL for babysitting, not usually if its just for an hour during the day or grabbing the kids from school but if it's for an evening so we can both go out then we do, she is a full time carer for her husband and has very little money so it is my dh's way of giving her a bit of cash for her to have for herself without outright saying 'here's some money to buy a new coat that you desperatly need mum' sort of thing and I'm more than happy with that, shes a lovely lady and I would give her the world if I could.

woolduvet · 26/10/2018 10:59

Something along the lines of
It's feeling very odd paying you to look after your grandchild so we'll pay a babysitter if we need one. You're of course welcome to come and play whenever you want.
But equally stop with the constant treating etc, grandchildren aren't a commodity.

SoyDora · 26/10/2018 09:33

We never pay parents/IL’s for babysitting and they wouldn’t accept it.
If I was to use them for regular childcare while I worked (which would be impossible anyway as IL’s are abroad and my parents work full time) then I would pay.
It’s a tricky one as using someone else for childcare almost seems like punishing MIL who adores having her grandchild. FIL sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest.

LaPufalina · 26/10/2018 09:28

Some PPs have given you some ideas on how to broach it; I agree with them that saying that you'll pay someone external when you need a sitter as it's more appropriate. You or your DH can arrange time with them to just be grandparents and have a nice time together, whether you're there with your child or not, but that obviously wouldn't be paid, as it just complicates matters.

Original poster
Iwant2befree · 26/10/2018 08:45

Any advice on how I approach it?

Don’t want to sound like oh your charging us so I’m going to use someone else instead.

But at the same time do want to get it out in the open that this is not normal.

Thank you!

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 26/10/2018 08:16

That's insane.
I would just pay local babysitters and not get involved.
If that breaks mil heart, she can have the conversation with her husband can't she?

sickmumma · 26/10/2018 08:12

Sounds crazy IMO and like MIL is a bit embarrassed by it all and it's FIL that is pushing it.

We have family babysit, granted not every couple of weeks overnight generally just on special occasions but it's all swings and round abouts, they watch the children for random things like parents evenings, trips etc if I ask and the running joke is we repay in lifts to the airport (as they holiday a lot!) they would be horrified if we paid them!!

SlightDark · 26/10/2018 08:06

I’m only pregnant so no experience but what I’ve seen with family is inlaws desperate to get hold of the children and look after them and not charging for babysitting. I have seen people paying small amounts when the care means they can work tho

whiskeysourpuss · 26/10/2018 07:54

That is ludicrous OP.

As PP's have pointed out this isn't a normal arrangement. My mum has always looked after my kids for nights out/me to go to work/just because she likes having them & I've never paid her for it.

She picks DS up from school every Friday whether I'm available or not because although technically it's because I'm at work to them it's their quality time without his pesky big sisters. They go to McDonald's & she buys him his football cards. On the odd occasion when she's unavailable & I collect him you can see the disappointment on his face.

I'd have a chat with DH & then one with MIL. Unless FIL is providing the childcare he can butt out.

Original poster
Iwant2befree · 26/10/2018 07:37

Thank you so much , I am surprised at the majority responses saying how crazy this is, I assumed this was an arrangement that was normal.

So in the past it would have been maybe once every 2/3 months, but myself and DH went through a very difficult time which his parents saw and was looking at a separation. After counseling etc we decided to give it another go and recognized we didn’t have any time outs to spend on just us so agreed we would have a cinema date or a meal every 2 weeks which is when this “arrangement” was made.

Things are much better and I’m not pregnant with our 2nd child which is what is worrying me, the cost of FT childcare in the Creche plus the charge from grandparents I am considering an Au pair / childminder but would mean we let MIL go.

It is the FIL who is absolutely obsessed with the cost of everything. They don’t have pensions outside of the state pension but so have a good nest for a rainy day and mortgage free etc. I don’t ever want them to be short which is why I agreed to this in the first place. Absolutely right that he does very little in most cases MIL drives the 10 minute journey to our house but I always fill her car with petrol so there isn’t a cost there.

Rally appreciate the advice I will talk again to DH and use someone else, I am concerned that although only 3 now if my DD when she is older finds this out that it will impact the memories she has of grandparents.

Finally what makes it even harder is we do a lot for the parents , treats, family days our, lifts to airports / trains on top of the money so it does sting they FIL can’t see past the financial transaction and recognize that family support each other!

OP posts:
LaPufalina · 26/10/2018 06:34

Agree with Frances, this will only get more complicated.
I don't know of any grandparents (or even aunts/uncles) that are paid for babysitting. I even babysat for my niece on my birthday because I was pregnant and not drinking!
How sad for you and for MIL 

FrancesHaHa · 26/10/2018 06:26

Like pps, no one I know pays grandparents to babysit unless a regular arrangement. Even then most grandparents would refuse to be paid.

You don't mention how old the child is, but as they get older this has a real potential to get in the way of them having a positive relationship with their grandparents. As mine has got older, spending time with my MIL has become less about babysitting, more about them spending nice time together, for example staying over at her house, even if we don't need the childcare. Bringing money into it could really impact on this, as it makes it transactional rather than about the relationship

Her0utdoors · 26/10/2018 06:05

So she's there doing the childcare and fil gets the cash for staying at home? That's crackers! If mil enjoys going out for coffee etc, how about getting keeping her topped up with gift cards for the places she goes as a heartfelt thank you (and a metaphorical poke in the eye for fil?)?

BigGreenOlives · 26/10/2018 05:24

How old is FIL? One of my friend’s fathers became obsessed with money & running out of money, he was diagnosed with dementia about 5 years later, this had been an early sign. As a child the family had been very poor but due to good fortune & his own intelligence he became incredibly wealthy so had no need to worry in old age.

CupoBlood · 26/10/2018 05:15

He's pimping her out for babysitting 

tenorladybeaker · 26/10/2018 05:11

Don't mix family and employment. If you are going to pay for childcare, pay someone qualified and unrelated so that there is clear distinction that you are the employer and they are the employee.

If a grandparent wouldn't choose to do childcare free just for love of the child then they are a poor choice of person to be responsible for a child. Only exception as above is if a grandparent specifically gave up paid employment in order to be able to offer childcare.

If you PIL want to earn money from childcare they can sign up with a babysitting agency.

TipseyTorvey · 26/10/2018 04:58

This is one the craziest things I've ever read on mumsnet and I've been on here a few years so that's saying something. Agree with pp, no one pays the grandparents for babysitting, that's ludicrous! Like you OP I don't have parents so my DHs parents are the only grandparents. They're very 'busy' in retirement so rarely help out at all and I've given up trying to facilitate a relationship between them and their grandchildren. Your MIL sounds lovely though so it would be a shame to lessen contact. I think you're going to have to have an open family chat with all four of you to say either you don't pay MIL or you'll just get a sitter. Being an grandparent isn't a 'service' in the same way that a sitter is.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 26/10/2018 03:59

Nope. If I had to pay I would use a babysitter not a Grandparent. Stop asking and stop paying her. FIL is crazy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread