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Original poster

Concerned about new au pair

58 replies

dellacucina · 24/09/2018 13:16

Au pair 2 just joined our family about a week ago. Some of her behaviour so far gives me a bit of pause and I am wondering whether it is normal or not? (Au pair 1 was amazing and I think maybe this gave me false expectations!)

In one week, she has already stayed out extremely late the day before she had to watch DD in the morning: once it was until 3:30 and another time she told me she was going for a walk around 8 pm and then came home sometime after midnight! It just seems a bit odd and as if she isn't trying to make a good impression.

Some of her other behaviour feels a bit entitled (she had a choice between two rooms but only one was ready the day she arrived - and she insisted on moving into the other one right away; when we were out at an event she texted asking if her friend whom we had never met could come spend the night).

She has been perfectly nice and respectful in person and has not expressed irritation or been sulky when she doesn't get her way.

Here are my questions:

  • is this normal/to be expected?
  • is there anything we should be doing? I am probably quite permissive/easygoing and it doesn't come naturally to me to assert authority. But should I be doing this in some way?
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surlycurly · 01/10/2018 06:40

I had a curfew of 11pm on week nights. Later than that would wake em up and leave me grumpy for work. Also no houseguests until we knew the au pair and even then I would only be the occasional weekend evening. I had a horribly pushy au pair and it made me miserable fighting with her (not overtly - I mainly smiled and was polite but internally seethed). You don't want to be resentful of someone living in your house.

Original poster
dellacucina · 24/09/2018 17:52

Sorry, posting from my phone and it won't let me put in paragraph breaks. I see you did actually specify the types of rules. It does make me feel a bit uncomfortable to exert too much control over another person. How usual is a curfew? Is the view that imposing order and ground rules is helpful for a girl who is leaving home fo the first time?

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 24/09/2018 17:37

Margo: thanks. What sorts of rules? Would this be in a handbook or something? (We planned to put something like this together but it has been really difficult to find the time.)

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Original poster
dellacucina · 24/09/2018 17:35

In line with that, we don't have a curfew or anything like that. I am just not sure what is usual (are curfews) nor how much authority most people try to impose over an au pair. I honestly don't really think she was walking for 5 hours. I assume she was on a Tinder date or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 24/09/2018 17:33

I did not mean to suggest I am laid back! But I am not a micromanager nor do I feel comfortable imposing rules regarding how someone lives their life unless it directly affects me.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 24/09/2018 14:36

When he was a newly qualified staff nurse I lived and worked with a woman who could get 3 hours sleep before an early shift, and still do a fantastic job.
Your au pair may be like her. If not introduce a boundary.
Everyone has different normals. So to her impromptu guests may be fine, you need to let her know what’s your normal,
I’m not sure you are as laid back as all that, or these things wouldn’t bother youWink. Hope you get it all ironed out to your satisfaction .

MargoLovebutter · 24/09/2018 14:30

Sounds like your house rules are not tight enough.

I had two amazing, responsible and respectful aupairs and thought I was the bees knees at having 'good' aupairs and that my management of them must be awesome and then I had a couple of younger and far less responsible aupairs and found out that I'd just been lucky and wasn't as great as I thought.

You need a set of clear house rules that are written down and that you expect the aupair to abide by. Include in this the times it is acceptable to arrive home - which may be different on working nights to the weekends, guests that can stay, food that may be eaten, use of the car, internet, phones, wifi etc

You also need to clearly outline and again have it written down somewhere exactly what duties are involved on a day to day basis, so that there can be no misunderstandings.

You also need to be able to say no! So, "No, we can't move you into X room today, you'll have to wait until Friday" or whatever. "No, you can't stay out until 3.30pm if you are looking after DC the next day" and so on.

They aren't mind-readers, so you have to be clear about what is ok and what isn't and not just hope that they will 'get it' in some way from breathing in the air in your home!

DropOffArtiste · 24/09/2018 14:20

What are your ground rules about staying out late? I don't have a curfew for my au pair, but if it affected her looking after your daughter the next day then you should address that impact.
Going out for a walk till late wouldn't bother me. Again, does she have a set curfew?
You gave her a choice of rooms, but actually only wanted her to choose the one which was made up already? Well, that's a bit unreasonable. If you gave her a choice, she should have the choice.
I say no overnight visitors in my au pair ground rules, but have sometimes relaxed that later on when we've got to know each other a bit. If you don't have rules about it, and she asked respectfully I'm not sure what the problem is?