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Original poster

Concerned about new au pair

58 replies

dellacucina · 24/09/2018 13:16

Au pair 2 just joined our family about a week ago. Some of her behaviour so far gives me a bit of pause and I am wondering whether it is normal or not? (Au pair 1 was amazing and I think maybe this gave me false expectations!)

In one week, she has already stayed out extremely late the day before she had to watch DD in the morning: once it was until 3:30 and another time she told me she was going for a walk around 8 pm and then came home sometime after midnight! It just seems a bit odd and as if she isn't trying to make a good impression.

Some of her other behaviour feels a bit entitled (she had a choice between two rooms but only one was ready the day she arrived - and she insisted on moving into the other one right away; when we were out at an event she texted asking if her friend whom we had never met could come spend the night).

She has been perfectly nice and respectful in person and has not expressed irritation or been sulky when she doesn't get her way.

Here are my questions:

  • is this normal/to be expected?
  • is there anything we should be doing? I am probably quite permissive/easygoing and it doesn't come naturally to me to assert authority. But should I be doing this in some way?
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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:57

Yiskasha: I actually already have a weekly planner. Even despite this, she announced she wanted a recent Thursday off when it had been made very explicit repeatedly that this was a day we needed her help. She wasn't arsey about it, but it was a bit annoying to have to feel like I was ruining plans that she had made.

The thing about the date was just weird. The puritanical side of me would rather she not meet up with men (because obviously I want her to be far more responsible and careful than I might have been at her age!), But I realise it's normal and i don't really hold it against her. It's a bit worrisome when someone who is kind of in your care disappears for several hours after suggesting they will be gone for a short time, however. It also seems like a potential warning sign of an unwholesome party girl.

I think for the rest of the holiday we will need to be more clear about expectations. We don't tend to plan holidays too tightly and DH is basically impossible to ever pin down, but it's looking like this will be necessary to ensure things run smoothly and we can get some rest.

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GeorgeTheHippo · 02/10/2018 15:52

You're being too mimsy and unspecific I think. Sorry!

You say it was hard to find the time to put together ground rules. But you should have done. You'd better do it now.

yiskasha · 02/10/2018 15:45

I think it's unreasonable to give an adult a curfew. If her going out until 3am isn't affecting her work then it shouldn't be an issue.
When you get back from holiday can you not making a weekly planner? When I was an au pair I knew what hours I was working and what was to be expected of me during those hours.
For what au pairs are paid, they shouldn't be doing tonnes of work. Pick ups and drop offs from school/nursery, playing with the kids for an hour or so, maybe making a simple meal in the evening and occasional babysitting. No more than that.
Maybe you could give a simple list each day of what is expected of her. It can be awkward as balls living and working in someone else's house and not knowing if you're crossing boundaries by doing certain things.
You need to give her guidance and once she knows I'm sure everything will ruin smoothly.
Also adults are able to do whatever they want in her free time, so if she says she's going for a walk but she's really going on a date it's no one's business but her.
Good luck OP!

MrsRubyMonday · 02/10/2018 15:44

If she's 19, so young and no family of her own, it's entirely possible that she's never lived on her own, so doesn't realise what things cost/ how much work it takes to run a household/ that you may not want your kids jumping all over you. She probably thinks she is watching DD, but if you didn't want DD jumping on you that you would say so. She may not interpret 'watch DD' to mean 'Dont let DD interact with us because we need a break right now'. Whereas if you had said that (or whatever you specifically needed at the time, I'm not saying you didn't want DD around, it's just an example) then she would have known exactly what to do.

I think you are being unfair to her by not giving her a specific list of duties/instructions on how you want things carried out, and by not setting out the ground rules. You need to do this ASAP, beginning with holiday rules and then when you get home, more formal rules in place. I wouldn't set a curfew, I think it's patronising for an adult, but there's nothing wrong with saying that she needs to be fit to look after DD the next day, or that you lock the house at 12pm so she needs to be home before then.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2018 15:25

Tell her what is expected of her. She's taking the piss and by not pulling her up on it, it'll continue to be like that. When she announced she was going swimming when she was supposed to be minding DD, that was your opportunity to say, "no actually you are in charge of DD this afternoon, as I've already told you."

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 15:23

I think (this is from my own experiences) sometimes teens become au pairs because they think it will be easy. I've known a few who didn't even like kids but wanted the perks that went with the job - phone, use of car etc. It can be a shock!

I'm British so not the traditional au pair taking advantage of being in another country for language etc...and i found my families were more able to approach me with niggles than some of my au pair friends. I think through fear of being seen as OTT or similar

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:21

The issue here is that we are all going to eg the pool together. Yesterday at the beach, we said please watch DD and she kept letting DD jump all over me until DH told her to go to a different part of the beach (for which I felt guilty)

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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:20

She is 19 and just left school. She also has lots of expensive electronics etc so seems to have come from quite a privileged position

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Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 15:19

Maybe you need to back away a bit & let DD familiarise herself with the au pair? I don't mean that in a horrible way, but i found if mum or dad were around, the kids refused my input. Maybe when she is due to mind DD, make yourself scarce? She might rally more if DD is her sole priority

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 15:17

OP is she young? And is this her first time as an au pair? I noticed when i worked that a lot of younger au pairs from abroad came over without realising the expectations fully.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:15

I think the key is to just tell her what is happening and when, as you say Pissedoff. She may even appreciate it given that it is early in the relationship and she is trying to find her place in the family.

It probably doesn't help any that DD's usual current default is 'mummy do it'

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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:12

Just to vent here as well (rather than at anyone irl) - she also didn't say thank you when taken for lunch yesterday, nor did she after the expensive fish lunch I made today (which was also delicious, if I do say so).

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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:11

Thanks. I do think this is probably right. DH and I have theorised that she is used to having everything done for her and she doesn't get what it means to have responsibilities. It's a bit trying.

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Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 15:08

Then you need to pull her up. If you have specified that she is to mind DD in the afternoon, then she needs to do it. Otherwise you are paying her to do sweet f all. If you don't want to be as blunt as 'you're taking the piss' maybe say to her the evening before 'we'll need your help from X time tomorrow with DD' that way she knows what is what.

Once the holiday period is over i'd sit down & address what you expect tbh. If she knows what her hours were - and mornings off is pretty bloody good - and she is still ignoring it then she is taking the piss imo

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 15:08

Her normal responsibilities are to do nursery drop off and pick up, then to help in the evening - either cooking, washing up, or watching DD while I do those things. She is also to help keep baby toys tidy etc

So this trip is outside of the normal schedule and I am anxious about asking too much - but she isn't showing much willing iyswim

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Nsbgsyebebdnd · 02/10/2018 15:03

What are her normal responsibilities. I’ve learnt that you need to be clear about your expectations. It’s actually fairer on them- they’re not mind readers and if you’re annoyed it will only eat at you

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 14:55

But again, instead of helping in the afternoon or even asking how she could help, she announced she would go swimming.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 14:48

We agreed that on this holiday she would have mornings off and help in the afternoon. She doesn't get up in the night with DD at all.

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Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 14:45

What was the basic agreement when she took on the role? You doing most of the day time care sounds ridiculous tbh unless you have a baby who wakes countless times a night that she has to see to.

I worked with a family where i was 'on call' every night for 3 weeks out of 4 due to their work. So for 4 nights during those weeks i was expected to either be in or close by - and contactable - in case the parent (one worked away) had to disappear with work. I still had to do my day jobs too...but the little boy didn't wake during the night. I just had to be there in case.
If your baby is a multiple waker & au pair does a lot of hands on when sitting at night, that needs to be taken into consideration during the day.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 14:35

Thanks, that's helpful. I don't really like being too prescriptive but I think we do need to be.

One thing that is a bit awkward is she is babysitting every night (after DD goes to sleep) and I don't want to ask too much of her - but I have been preparing all the meals, doing all the shopping, and doing most of the daytime baby care. It probably would be reasonable to ask for more help watching DD and with basic household stuff. But how much is too much?

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Pissedoffdotcom · 02/10/2018 14:24

I was an au pair for a couple of years for several different families. I can say hand on heart that my best experiences were with families that laid out what they expected. I never had curfew...but it was expected that i wouldn't wake anybody up when i arrived home, would ensure to lock up, let the dog out for a pee (in that house i had my own dog too so made sense). It was also expected i was fit for work; no late night drinking the night before an early start etc. Basically the same as any other job! If it impacted on my work then it was pulled up.

I had 2 families who allowed my then boyfriend to stay over, one family who didn't. This was made clear at the start.

It is horrifying being in someone else's house & knowing they are pissed off with you but not knowing why. Have a frank chat with her, lay out your expectations, discuss any issues.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 14:23

The main issue is that she does nothing, absolutely nothing, without being asked. Our last au pair really took responsibility for helping out and didn't need to be asked to do every. single. thing.

DD also fell when she was in au pair's (private) room and bled all over out of her mouth. She didn't apologise or take any responsibility for the fact that she had been looking after DD at the time this happened. Apparently DD was trying to climb into the bed and tumbled out.

She has had the entire morning to herself every day and we said she would watch DD in the afternoon. She didn't even seem concerned about this prior agreement/discussion when she swanned off to the pool.

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Original poster
dellacucina · 02/10/2018 14:17

Orlande:

In terms of the room, it was made clear that she could have her choice of room but only one was ready on that day (due to a family emergency she knew about). It was probably in a sort of passive aggressive English way, but it would have been clear that it was an inconvenience to sort out the second room in this moment.

She waited to ask to bring her friend over in the first week, after we had already gone out for the evening. Surely she could have asked sooner? It just seems a bit entitled.

She is now on holiday with us and has consistently
shown a lack of initiative. It appears she thinks she is another child to be cared for.

By way of example, we bought ingredients for a nice lunch and I cooked it - expensive fresh fish and other nice things. She washed her own plate and did not offer to help with the general washing up. Then she just announced she was going for a swim when she could have offered to help DD get ready

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Orlande · 01/10/2018 15:56

I don't think a curfew is reasonable for an adult, but if you feel she is not able to do her duties properly then you need to sit down and have a grown up conversation with her.

The other two issues - I can't really see the problem? How was she to know you weren't really giving her a choice of rooms?
She asked if she could have a friend round - exactly as she should surely?

MargoLovebutter · 01/10/2018 15:48

Yes, a handbook would be good. If you don't have time for a handbook, then a single sheet with house rules and another sheet of key tasks would probably work well. You can always refine when you have more time.

I had weekday curfew of 11pm for mine too. If they had an exceptional event or request, that was fine, but day to day it meant we could lock up the house and all be confident of getting some sleep!

I outlined some of the other things you could include in my earlier post. You could also include use of the clothes washing machine, what meals you expect them to join you for, what you expect them to get themselves. The list can be as long or as short as you want!