Concerned about new au pair

I think you sound a bit mad OP. You expect your 19 year old au pair who's known your daughter for a week, to look after her right next to where you are sitting, but stop the child from interacting with you?

You need to clearly tell her where she expected to take the child, if you want a break, because there is no way she can stop your child wanting to be with you if you are right there. It's a bit unreasonable to ask her to go to the other end of the beach unless it's just for half an hour or so.

The lunch thing sounds par for the course for a teenager. Some have better manners than others. Specify if you want her to wash up. If she was flouncing about being deliberately rude that's different, but that didn't really come across in your post. The rooms thing sound ridiculous as well. You should have said to her 'this room is available for now, if you want to change we can arrange it next week'.

I hope it improves but you really need to be much more prescriptive. Is her English perfect? I think when I first arrived here, if someone had asked me to watch a child, I would have done just that. Watch. Like when you watch TV. Watching without interfering.

If you want her to look after the child, or play or draw, etc, tell her so. Don't use polite eufemisms unless you are sure she understands them.

Prescriptive!!

The phone thing is a big no if she is using it whilst caring for the kids. I’m wondering if she isn’t the right fit for you? Sometimes it’s becomes impossible not to see the worst in everything once you’ve noticed these things.
Alternatively, you have to give to the minutiae detail on what’s important to you ie help clearing up (list what that means even if it seems crazy to you), no phone/computer use when with you, help with kids (state times and tasks). It may seem hard to be so presecruptuve but I think they are more settled when they understand expectations. And I’d do it for the whole week- not just one day. This is fairer on her and means you don’t have to feel like you’re constantly directing her

dellacucina, she is in 'daughter' mode - not aupair mode! I had this with two of my au pairs who came on holiday. They had never been on holiday as an au pair before, so they slipped into the only role they really knew on holiday, which was daughter. It was a pain in the arse, as instead of having 2 children, I suddenly had 3!

Hopefully, when she returns to the UK, she will revert back to au pair.

She's probably messaging her pals to tell them all what a cushy job she's landed.

It is a little unfortunate that you went on holiday so early when you don't know each other well and before you really found any real routine at home. It is difficult for an AP to judge - especially in relation to the children. Some parents would regard a holiday as their time with the children and would not be happy if the AP stepped in or tried to take the children away whereas other parents are happy for the AP to take the kids off to get a bit of quiet time. She does not know you well so you need to make it clear.

Picklepost: DH was really annoyed after the lunch and I posted immediately afterward, so perhaps it appears I am fixated on it. The issue is that we went and bought a very fresh fish which also happened to be expensive and I went to some trouble to make it + accompaniments, which would have been clear to everyone.
Sorry but you are really showing your inexperience with teenagers who may have limited culinary experience here - it really would not be obvious to a 19 year old.
We eat a lot of fish and have dds aged 19 to 22 - sometimes we eat Alaska Pollock and sometimes I splash out on Sea Bass or Wild Sea Perch - I really doubt whether my DDs could tell you which was which.
If it is going to upset you so much that an AP doesn't rave with thanks when you buy yourselves expensive ingredients - why not leave her to make lunch for the kids while you and DH go out?

You're going to come to grief if you expect a teenager to "appreciate an expensive fish lunch" (you've mentioned it twice so far). They simply don't care - and tbh it comes across badly, you sound vain and snobbish.

Fish lunch aside, you could have cause for complaint. Seems to me you could either be perfectly clear about expectations, or pay for a trained nanny.

Very many teenagers are completely unused to considering anyone but themselves so if this is her, you're in for a bumpy ride.

My feeling on this is that you may just not be a good fit.

Best to get things out in the open rather than fester inside. You have to live with them after all and the resentment will just build. Either you will both learn to live with it and work harder to get along or you will call it quits.

I need to have a chat with my au pair tonight. She's 27 & worked for us last year. She's returned as we needed a new au pair and she wasn't able to find a job. She is on her phone ALL DAY LONG. When I'm paying her to be with the kids I want her to focus on the kids, not her phone. Also she shouts A LOT. Especially at DS1 (5). He reacts badly to this and gets more angry in retaliation. She then gets more angry and shouts more.

She's been back with us 2.5 weeks and will be here until June next year so I want to address it as I don't want it to bubble up inside me = especially the shouting at the kids when they are slow to eat breakfast.

I think you need to be a whole lot clearer here OP. At the moment you seem to to have a lot of implicit expectations and then seething that the AP doesn't understand them. You need to be really clear what her hours are and what is and isn't her job. She is not a trained nanny and wont know what you want

She is 19 and has just left school. She won't have much housekeeping initiative. You need to be clear what you want her to do and when. People don't necessarily become AP's because they aim for a career in housekeeping and childcare - most regard it as a paid holiday where they work 4-5 hours per day in return for some pocket money and their board

• even on holiday give her a written list of tasks for her hours - it is difficult for her to know when she is expected to be on duty and what is her own time.
• don't offer alternatives if there is a clear "wrong" answer from your perspective
• if you want her to take the children to give you a break - ask her to take them out. It is often really difficult for professional nannies to have authority with children when the parents are present
• write on the daily list which meals you expect her to clean up after
• clearly state which nights she is on duty and which she is free
• most 19 year olds have no idea about the price of fish - to her it was - just lunch

You need to be much better at communication and not just assume she will know what you are expecting

Don't expect her to volunteer. She has only just finished being a child in her parents' home. Tell her what you need.

Hey a very clear schedule written out for when you get home. Have you got a contract with her? We have found it is best to be very specific and get them to sign a contract with it all laid out. It's morphed over the years to include all of the "lessons learned" from the previous au pair (we have just started no 6) / I think some candidates are put off by our level of precision but if so, they weren't a good match for us. It's too late for a contract I guess but I'd definitely type up a schedule and send it to her on email as well as hand her a printed sheet and talk it through - give her the option to ask questions. If she hasn't got any initiative you have to spell things out very clearly.

You need to stop being passive aggressive. A lot of these issues seem to come down to your communication skills/style.

If you want her to wash up, tell her that.
If you want her to take the baby away, tell her. She's 19, she isn't going to be able to guess this stuff!

I have five au pairs and all of the were completely different. One was totally useless but a lovely girl who didn't cause any trouble other than being useless. She didn't last long. One was a party girl with no initiative but did however respond to being told how to improve. One was the most selfish, sneaky human I've ever encountered and another had an eating disorder and had to go home. My last was terrific and we all miss her very much but love having our home back. It's very much a crazy ride but can be a great experience. It ultimately gave me more than it took away from me but it was hard work. Good luck OP

She sounds like hard work. I don't think you're being too vague; she's not a child. However she is acting like she has no real responsibilities here. How long has she been with you?