Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

How to help the au pair settle in/bond with my DD

54 replies

bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 16:33

So I had my new au pair start with us on Friday. She seemed lovelywhen we interviewed her and she has been in touch constantly over the past month.

This week in the lead up to the school starting - my DH and I are taking it in turns to work from home while the au pair and DD settle in. My DD can be shy but in general is very kind and listens to instructions and is very affectionate. But somehow they dont seem to have gelled. I realise it's early days but my DD who is 7 ust seems sad and teary eyed. Today i have had to step in and sperate them twice as teh au pair and she got into a "yes you did", "no you didnt" argument. The au pair sounded like she was 7 as well. :D I totally get kids are tough and my DD can drive me up the wall sometimes. This is our second au pair and with the first one they just hit it off straight away.

I have told DD, she has to listen to the au pair and she is the adult. I have told au pair she is the adult and needs to lay the rules but getting into a you - you argument is futile. This au pair comes with child care experience and has watched kids this age.

So my question is - what are you best tips for me to help them gel? Obviously need them both to be happy for this to work.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Original poster
bloopitybloop · 08/09/2018 11:40

@blueshpes I should have said the other family was afrench and is in France - she was a nanny not an au pair.

Today is her day off - so DH, DD and Inare heading out for a family day: we will see how it goes - DH thinks I am over reacting and we need to give it a few more weeks.

I understand the cultural angle as am from child and child rearing is similar with expectations on child toeing the line and not the adult modelling - I get that every trip to India 😂

Our earlier au pair was also French and while she wasn’t warm she somehow seemed to click wirh DD - shame she had to leave in 6 weeks due to a family situation on her side - we are still in touch :( part of me just wats to give up on the au pair option and lean on school wrap around but that doesn’t work with my work hours and the flexibility of an au pair is handy

OP posts:
blueshoes · 08/09/2018 10:29

OP, culturally, the French style of childcare is quite different - the expectations are generally more on the child to be obedient than on the adult to model good behaviour. Not saying that is the reason the aupair is not moderating her behaviour for your dd (as every aupair is different and does not necessarily conform to cultural stereotypes) but it is worth considering it from that lens.

My French aupairs have not been particularly warm, flexible nor can do. Unless she shows she wants to improve, my instinct is to call it a day.

The other family may like a more authoritarian style. Apart from the personality fit with your dd, there is also the fit with the family to consider. It is not fair to the aupair to fit herself living away from home with a family where she is a square peg in a round hole as it can be quite dispiriting. The other family lapped her up and she could find another one where she fits in better.

You can be kind when having the 'talk' with her. Better to discuss now than when things have degenerated and the atmosphere in the house strained.

rubyslippers · 08/09/2018 08:10

It’s so hard - the au pair and your DD sound like they’re clashing a bit but it’s up to the au pair to moderate her behaviour. Cleaning and cooking is good but being upset that your dadughter didn’t like the food is something she should have shrugged odd

We had an au pair who really didn’t get in with my oldest and they clashed - and it didn’t improve and she ended up leaving (before we asked her to go)

I’d give it another week and then see

Such a tricky thing especially Whig they’re living with yo

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 08/09/2018 07:29

@blueshoes the au pair is French and the children she cared for were 6 and 9. I had spoken at length to the Mum of the children she cared for and she said she was especially good with the 6 year old .

OP posts:
Nsbgsyebebdnd · 08/09/2018 06:53

You’ve been communicating everything well to your Au Pair. Have you noticed any change? It’s great she’s done loads around the house but I’m guessing that’s not your priority here! If she isn’t trying to adapt at all you haven’t got much choice. I’d Monitor how they’re interacting after your talks. If the au pair isn’t trying to change at all long term this is going to frustrate you more and more.
After the talk with our au pair I can see she’s trying but not completely succeeding yet in curbing the constant telling offs!

blueshoes · 08/09/2018 00:14

How old were the dcs the aupair previously minded? Younger children are easier to bond with, though harder work to care for.

What nationality is she?

Personally, I think the aupair is a little immature and not behaving like the adult. On top of that, there is a personality clash. The chances of this improving are quite slim. Your dd should feel relaxed with the aupair since they are going to be spending a lot of time together. To expect a 7 year old to constantly moderate her behaviour for an adult is unrealistic and sounds exhausting and unfair for your dd.

I'd agree with another poster to give this another week and if no improvement, to suggest that it is not working out and your aupair find another family (3-4 weeks should be sufficient time) and you look for a replacement. No point flogging a dead horse.

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 07/09/2018 22:47

@rubyslippers in your experience how long would you give it ? Today was her first day of picking up DD from school and watching her for 3 hours - while it seemed better DD is t happy and said that the au pair isn’t “nice” and doesn’t speak politely which puts her back up. She also said she yells - I have had a talk with her again and the au pair said she wasn’t yelling but talking over the TV / now DD has a thing against yelling so Iran quite possible that she mistook the. Loud voice for yelling but I have also noticed that the au pair can be a bit abrupt with DD - she is lovely but I think that’s her style ? Today she had the reception room , kitchen and DDs room all clean (I hadn’t even asked her to do that ) and a meal ready for us - again I hadn’t expected any of that - she was a bit upset that DD didn’t eat what she made but DD is super picky with
New food and I had told her that before.

I am soooo confused !

OP posts:
Original poster
bloopitybloop · 06/09/2018 14:51

@Nsbgsyebebdnd let me know how it goes !yday was better for us but the au pair seems to be pushing my DDs buttons - as you said her upbringing was very different and she says in her family children just obey - my DD is easy going but does have a mind of her own and that’s how we like it ! They both seem to have strong personalities that are right now clashing - I have had more chats with the au pair and will see how it goes in a few weeks. As school started again today - they will be forced to spend a few hours together by themselves each evening - let’s see if they bond or break

OP posts:
Nsbgsyebebdnd · 06/09/2018 06:34

We are having a similar issue with our dd who is really easy going. The au pair is constantly nagging her which pushes my dd away. The au pair is lovely though but I think her up bringing was very different so she’s instilling things in my dd that she isn’t used to (and actually I don’t want). I’ve had a chat with her about the wonderful things she’s doing and suggested that xxxx way of disciplining doesn’t work. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 20:36

@BerriesAndLeaves quite possible which is why DH is going to work from a coffee shop than home tomorrow.

@vanillapieandicecraam am thinking of asking the au pair to take DD for an icecrewm tomorrow

OP posts:
vanillapieandicecream · 04/09/2018 20:21

Is there any way they could do something fun? Have a laugh together and a fun experience?

BerriesandLeaves · 04/09/2018 19:37

Is it possible she is self conscious with you nearby and is tense as a result? I would be. Maybe she'd loosen up if you left them to it for a morning so they could bond.

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:33

That's kinda where i am now and my whole disagreement with DH was because he dared to interrupt me when i was in a good rhythm - doesnt he know me at all?

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:31

I would like to whine. And whine and whine! But I don’t think I’d get stopped if I start...

Grin
Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:28

would you rather just have the whine? Grin

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 19:25

I’m hugely pregnant so I’m just jealous of the mention of wine!

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:24

@NotTakenUserName * bloody fat fingers and i havent even started on the wine yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 19:11

@NotTalenUserName Von Trapp my child is not. She is far from being “difficult” but equally far from being “easy”

I thought I was being so Filene doing reference checks and chatting with the Mum of the kids she has watched before and she raved about her. I have capoed off by day having a disagreement with DH. I am off to have a glass of wine and forget
Today happened.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:52

It sounds like she has previous experience with the Von Trapps! Grin

It’s possible she’s not very good at her job but got lucky with some very low maintenance well behaved children last time. Now she’s having to earn her crust!

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 18:42

@NotTakenUserName quite possible. our last au pair had to leave pretty much with hours notice - understandably and DD was heart broken.

@sirmione16 good to hear your perspective as a part time nanny and that INBU in expecting the au pair to invest more time in bonding with my daughter. Her saying the other children werent like this make a bit "huh" as that was literally in response to the first time my DD didnt immediately turn off the TV when she asked. Ofcourse DD should listen but i did feel the whole day like i was refereeing two siblings rather than having an adult to help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 18:34

thanks @RubySlippers I am feeling a bit hopeful. my DD is now all penitent and has drawn a Sorry card.

DH has decided to work from a local coffee shop so he is close by if needed but not at home. The amount of energy it takes to find and recruit an au pair i am currently wondering if its worth it.

Thanks for the support Flowers the au pair seems lovely with me but DD clearly stressed her out today and i know DD can be a lot worse behaved than she was today Grin - just worried if that would make her run for the hills. I started a new job last month so that isnt helping either .

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 04/09/2018 18:25

I have had several au pairs so am a veteran
It does take time for everyone to settle in but the au pair needs to step up too
If it doesn’t significantly improve over the next week or so you may have to have reconsider

sirmione16 · 04/09/2018 18:18

@bloopitybloop sounds hard, OP, and almost like you're mothering two siblings here at the moment!! In my opinion (part time nanny) the au pair really needs to step up, get off her high horse (other kids weren't like this ?! Wtf?!) be the adult here and work on bonding with her and respecting your guidelines on how to "deal with" her (I hate this phrase but you know what I mean)

NotTakenUsername · 04/09/2018 18:03

Is it possible Dd doesn’t want to invest time in the new au pair after she bonded with the last one, who left (albeit with good reason) after 6 weeks?

Original poster
bloopitybloop · 04/09/2018 17:59

thanks @rubyslippers yeah the arguing and winding up is what wprried me especially as she has work experience with kids. MY DD is strong willed - I had a cuppa with the au pair and didnt say anything just asked her how she was coping etc. she says everything is fine and the the children she worked with "werent like this." I have given her a pep talk and gone over again the best ways of working with my DD - i have told her raising her voice isnt acceptable or effective. my DD is now so wound up she isnt in the mood to listen. I have told her off for being rude to the au pair and that she has to listen to the au pair. She is now playing angry guitar in her room - DD that is not the au pair. DD has apologised but i have judged it est to separate them for the day and am dreaming of red wine.

Is it too early? My WFH day ended up with me just refereeing and now i also have work to catch up on. Sorry for the long rant/whinge.

OP posts: