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Original poster

Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

313 replies

PrincessPeaHead · 31/05/2007 11:46

My lovely calm, quiet, loving nanny of 5 years left last week, and a new nanny started. She is NNEB, worked in a nursery (baby room) most recently, nannied for 2 children before that. She's now been with us for just over a week.

I'm a little worried about how she interacts with the children. She has been playing quite well with DD1 (9), and has been givena very hard time by DD2 (16 months) who screams at strangers generally and hasn't settled with her yet (screamed constantly yesteerday morning when I went to the supermarket apparently). DS1 (6) has been OK with her, DS2 (3) had his tonsils and adenoids out last Tues and was feeling rotten until this weekend.

She is a bit of a sargeant major - issues orders and won't brook any discussion at all, even when it would be (I think) completely reasonable to listen to what they are saying. eg she was asking them to go upstairs for a bath - we have two staircases to go up, and DS2 wanted to go up the other one to the one she was asking him to go up - and she was raising her voice and saying "DS2, I have asked you to go up to your bath and you need to go up these stairs NOW". I don't see why he couldn't have gone up the other ones if he wanted to. There are lots of other examples - I don't think I heard my last nanny raise her voice more than about 2ce (usually in situations where I would have strangled them hours previously!), whereas raising her voice appears to be this nannies MO.
My 9 year old has asked me why she shouts so much
My housekeeper has told me she is concerned.

What do I do?

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foxinsocks · 01/06/2007 18:53

she sounds like she's bitten off more than she can chew

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 18:52

I don't know why I'm dithering aobut this, it isn't really like me.

I think it is because I personally like her, I feel responsible for taking her out of a job that she had been in happily for 3 years (although I'm sure they'd have her back), and I feel I ought to give her a fair go.

But it just isn't right, is it.

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 18:51

whoops missed out a line "well you won't see me much on monday, a few minutes at the beginning and end of the day, will you be OK?"
"yes, I'll be fine..." etc

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 18:50

Well I've just had a necessarily short conversation with her (post bath, three children in PJs running around the garden, baby on hip).
I said "well end of first proper week, what do you think?"
(smiling) "yes, its been good, its tiring though, I'm surprised at how tired I am"
"its nice that dd2 has taken to you much better today"
"yes, that's great"
"so do you feel you are getting to know the children?"
"yes, a little bit, I think so"
"and the older ones?"
"yes, a bit, but it is a bit difficult with them sometimes because they just don't listen to me basically"
"do you think maybe they are testing you a bit, they are a bit sad about Old Nanny going?"
(nodding) "Yes, testing me, I'm sure that's it"
"The thing about them is that they are all very...... logical kids. They respond much better to logic and reason and explanation than raised voices"
"yes, I can see that"
"for example, DS2 is very logical, very eager to please, but likes to know that things make sense. I heard a bit of a hoo-ha the ohter day about him going up for his bath and what stairs he should use - he didn't think it was logical that he should be made to use one stairs when he could have got to the bath using the other ones"
"right, yes I see. Yes. OK, well I'm sure it will be fine. Well, I'll see you on Monday!"
"yes I'll be fine"
"you really can't leave DD2 in the garden by herself, there is water there, and nettles and..."
(hand on head, shaking)"no I know, I don't know what I was thinking of, I would never do that, I don't know why I did..."
"You can leave DS2 out there safely, but really not her"
"Absolutely, yes I know, I'm really sorry, OK"

That was it really.

OP posts:
nannytania · 01/06/2007 18:37

All of your posts have a generic tone princess pea - your are not happy with her. Otherwise you wouldn't have written the thread initially.
Also your HK mentioning it is probably a good sign that things are not right. The nanny would tend to be more relaxed and natural aroud her and well, if she's concerned there's obviously more shouting and short temperness than you see.

Go with your instinct and I think you have painted a very clear picture that you are not comfortable with her standard and her disposition.

They are your children and the most important staff within a household is their carer.

yogimum · 01/06/2007 18:11

She might actually realise herself that she has bitten off more than can chew and may be thankful to find something else but afraid to say anything. I wouldn't leave her alone with your children, not with all them anyway. Could you cope until you found someone new? Contact the agency to find a replacement?

Mercy · 01/06/2007 18:10

Oh dear, it seems to be getting worse every time you post

I would really try and have a word before she goes. Agree with yogimum and soapbox.

Good luck

squiffy · 01/06/2007 18:09

And I missed that last post about the garden If this was an au-pair I'd sit down and explain about dangers. But an experienced nanny?

roisin · 01/06/2007 18:07

Oh crikey! Did you say anything to her about paddling pool at the time?

16 months old and water is so dangerous. If you are not going to see her/ be rushing on Monday you need to say something today about dd2 and safety, and when you agree it is OK for her to be anywhere without an adult in the room/within eyesight.

squiffy · 01/06/2007 18:06

Sooooo

  1. She has raised her voice as a means of instiling discipline, when everyone worth their salt knows that this never works long-term. I cannot for the life of me imagine that this hasn't already been instilled in her during her previous jobs, so she either fundamentally disagrees with the current thinking on how best to install discpline, OR the work she is doing is stressing her out so much at the moment that she is reacting on instinct. Neither scenario bode well for building up good trust between the two of you.

  2. She is choosing to have fights that are not necessary - what on earth is going to happen when one of your children starts to rebel? Punishments?

  3. When you should be working she has allowed one of her charges to interfere with your work, instead of just sweeping DD up and away and getting on with her job of looking after them all

  4. Presuming you clearly explained her duties in terms of the childrens' clothes/toys, she is already neglecting parts of her work

And this is in the very week when she will be concentrating most on making the very best impression.

IMO finding a good nanny is far and away the hardest and most stressful part of being a working mother and believe me I know how much you need to be flexible and bend to do the best thing by everyone and keep things on an even keel (am going through a nightmare of my own on this front, will probably post my own thread soon), BUT I don't in all honesty see this one improving.... I suspect you might end up putting up with more and more as time goes on - and even if she agrees to be more reasonable and calm in future, will you trust that to happen when you and/or HK are not around?

Sorry to come up with lots of negatives, but unless you can be convinced of a complete back-tracking once you talk you should call a halt pretty quickly. It will show good respect to your HK and if you ignore what your HK says now, she may not say anything next time...

soapbox · 01/06/2007 18:05

Are you on your own with them or is DH or the HK around?

If they are, could they take the children up for their bath while you speak to the nanny?

You may be more resiliant than me when it comes to these sorts of things, but I tend to brood badly over them, which would ruin my weekend. In your shoes, I would have to find a way of having the conversation before she left for the weekend.

Is there any way in which you can change days at work next week? It sounds as if she has no idea of what is safe and what isn't with the children.

yogimum · 01/06/2007 18:00

I would definitely have a chat with her before she leaves tonight or you will not enjoy your weekend. Ask her to stay for a few extra minutes at the end of the day. I never have finished on time and its never been a problem.

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 17:58

Oh dear I just came back from school and the younger two were having a picnic supper in the garden - lovely. The nanny zoomed into the kitchen to make sandwiches for the older ones (why didn't she do them all at the same time?) while I was still unloading the car etc at the front - she left dd2 and ds2 in the garden alone and when I went out dd2 was in a sort of thicket with thistles in her feet.

There is also a paddling pool out there.

DS2 can be left by himself safely in those circs, but DD2 is only 16 months and can't be. I'm a bit shocked. She might have assumed that I had gone straight into the garden, but I hadn't. She should have taken dd2 into the kitchen with her.

I've just remembered I am at work all day on Monday, so won't be able to speak to her. Maybe I can have a word when the children are bathed and ready for bed? Except they usually are by now, and it is 6.00 and they are still picnicing in the garden and she leaves at 6.30.

Bugger, it isn't the sort of conversation I can have on the phone I don't think...

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TootyFrooty · 01/06/2007 16:53

Ugh. I hate it when I psyche myself up for something and it doesn't happen.

At least you have another couple of days to think about it and not having her around might help.

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 16:18

well I just sat down with her to have a chat and there was a knock at the door and the boiler man had turned up to drain down the whole system and fix the boiler. and then once I'd pointed him in the direction of what he needed to know, of course dd2 got up and now they are all in the garden and I have to go on the school run and it will be impossible.

damn damn

having said that, she has been very calm and quiet with them today and dd2 has decided she is fine and is quite happy with her, so that is good. I guess the chat will have to wait until monday which isn't a disaster - a sort of "well, beginning of a new week, what do you think"

but I'd have preferred to have had a chat this afternoon, darn

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Eleusis · 01/06/2007 16:06

heh hem...

TootyFrooty · 01/06/2007 14:45
Eleusis · 01/06/2007 14:11

Well...

Eleusis · 01/06/2007 10:51

Don't forget to tell us how it goes?

WideWebWitch · 01/06/2007 09:37

I'd bin her too. It really isn't looking good.

roisin · 01/06/2007 09:20

I think she sounds like someone who could work well in a nursery setting atm, but is not ready for your family right now.

To be in sole charge of several children you need to be assertive and take initiative. Someone who needs a lot of guidance and showing and explaining isn't really suitable for that sort of position IMO.

Keep us posted!

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 09:13

off now to rescue dd2 ha ha

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 09:13

ps nanny is in the kitchen, so nobody is with dd2. luckily I could probably hear her if she choked to death on sticklebricks... but the nannydoesn't know that!

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Eleusis · 01/06/2007 09:12

Peahead, you might hold off on the contract all together. I believe - though don't take my word for this - that the legal requirement id for you to present a contract within on month of the job beginning. So if you just drag your feet a bit you can have a week or so to ponder whether she is staying.

And I must admit, after reading what your kids said I think I'll alter my stance. Life is too short and children are too precious to make them have a nanny they don't like. As someone else pointed out, your kids happiness is of course more important than the nanny's. There is sometimes a fine line between doing what best for your kids and being a good fair employer. But, when those two things conflict, we will all put our kids first.

The evidence rally is stacking up against new nanny.

I guess at this point my advice (if you still want it) would be a serious talk, not just a casual chat, with her today and tell her that it is a verbal warning about her dictatorial leadership style.

Also, I agree with with Sofia that a nanny who takes the child away from happily playing her sybling so that she can bond with the child is cause for concern. Sorry to say this, but that is a bit too "hand that rocks the cradle" for me.

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 09:11

nannynick the little one has always been v wary of strangers (which includes anyone she hasn't seen for a fortnight, including grannies etc!) and is a v clingy velcro child - I did a thread on it a little while ago. she really doesn't want to be cuddled by the nanny, but then again she doesn't want to be cuddled by anyone she doesn't know really well. I would have expected her to be a bit better with her by now though.

I've been watching the interaction this morning, in between going out to walk the dogs for 20 mins etc (there are just the two little ones at home, older ones back at school already poor things!) She sort of is only dealing with one child at a time. For eg for the last 30 mins she has been reading stories to DS2, and because DD2 won't come to her out of choice, she has left DD2 playing around my feet while I'm meant to be doing some work on the computer.
I don't know - most other nannies I know would have got out some interesting toy like the trainset or duplo or something to attract her interest and got them both playing at once. Or taken them into the garden and pushed them on the swings or something. of course DD2 isn't interested in reading a fireman sam book - she is just too young - but the nanny is just leaving her to her own devices.

Now I can hear dd2 in the playroom emptying sticklebricks etc on the floor - I'm not in the playroom, I'm in the study next door - shouldn't the nanny know where she is and who is supervising her and what she is doing? Or does she just think I'm going to do it, when I've told her that I need to do emails and things for half an hour?!

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