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Original poster

Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

313 replies

PrincessPeaHead · 31/05/2007 11:46

My lovely calm, quiet, loving nanny of 5 years left last week, and a new nanny started. She is NNEB, worked in a nursery (baby room) most recently, nannied for 2 children before that. She's now been with us for just over a week.

I'm a little worried about how she interacts with the children. She has been playing quite well with DD1 (9), and has been givena very hard time by DD2 (16 months) who screams at strangers generally and hasn't settled with her yet (screamed constantly yesteerday morning when I went to the supermarket apparently). DS1 (6) has been OK with her, DS2 (3) had his tonsils and adenoids out last Tues and was feeling rotten until this weekend.

She is a bit of a sargeant major - issues orders and won't brook any discussion at all, even when it would be (I think) completely reasonable to listen to what they are saying. eg she was asking them to go upstairs for a bath - we have two staircases to go up, and DS2 wanted to go up the other one to the one she was asking him to go up - and she was raising her voice and saying "DS2, I have asked you to go up to your bath and you need to go up these stairs NOW". I don't see why he couldn't have gone up the other ones if he wanted to. There are lots of other examples - I don't think I heard my last nanny raise her voice more than about 2ce (usually in situations where I would have strangled them hours previously!), whereas raising her voice appears to be this nannies MO.
My 9 year old has asked me why she shouts so much
My housekeeper has told me she is concerned.

What do I do?

OP posts:
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lilackaty · 02/06/2007 09:50

I think you will be doing the right thing in getting rid of her.
I am very confused about your reponse to my comment yesterday but that's not relevant now anyway

harpsichordcarrier · 02/06/2007 09:38

good call pph, I think you won't regret it

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 02/06/2007 09:36

PS thank you very much everybody for your opinions and listening - I appreciate them all, I really do.

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 02/06/2007 09:35

ha ha harpsi
but you have 8 weeks to give a contract you know . anyway she has one now

I've had lots of talks with dh. We both start off by saying "maybe we should keep her, if we can get her to..." but then we end up going through a long list of things she would need to change, and finally we end up with a CLUNK at "but she left DD2 in the garden 4ft away from a paddling pool" and we both just stop.

I think it would take me so long to climb back up the hill of trusting her again, AND I would worry that when I wasn't around she was being harsh on the children, AND I would be ignoring my HK's concerns (which took a lot of courage for her to voice) AND at the end of the day I wouldn't even have a really efficient organised clean and tidy nanny.... so it isn't worth it.

And actually if she isn't the right nanny for us, then we aren't the right family for her - she can probably find a job in a smaller house with just a couple of young children and be really fine and much happier in the long run. So I'm going to terminate her employment next week. And then wonder how on earth I'm going to manage for a month or so without any help when I'm meant to be going to Greece, sitting through DD1s plays, taking DS1 for bloods and to his consultant etc etc etc!!!!

Aurgh

OP posts:
cab · 02/06/2007 00:45

PPH Trust your instincts. If you're not happy in the first week - when she will have been trying her hardest - it's never going to work.
Your reasons are valid: The shouting, children aren't keen on her, the mess, lack of cooking, getting kids bathed late, but most of all leaving the youngest one alone in the garden.
It's a no brainer!!

harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2007 23:49

do people really think it is acceptable to yell at children like this in a nursery by the way I certainly don't think so.
unasseptable, whatever the situation imo.

harpsichordcarrier · 01/06/2007 23:47

oh pph sorry to read this what a PITA for you to deal with.
I am lol at the notion that you haven't given her a contract yet . slack or wot?
In your shoes I would feel very very unhappy tbh and would be working on my plan B. I would be very unhappy about my dd's being shouted at in this kind of tone. at the moment it seems to me that you are getting none of the benefits of having a nanny - she isn't dealing with the children in a way you would like, she isn't following her own instructions, you can't trust her &c.
I would probably phone her over the weekend and have a long chat setting out your concerns and what you want to change. be v specific. I wouldn't leave it any longer. then confirm it in writing on Monday? and make a plan to go out with her ?end of next week to review how things are going?
sorry you have this worry. you and your delightful children deserve better

soapbox · 01/06/2007 23:39

PPH please just trust your instincts on this one!

She sounds bloody hopeless and since this is your version of events that we are getting, I can only assume that you think she is bloody hopeless.

Even the convo you had with her tonight must have been incredibly frustrating. It's all bluster and no flipping sense, quite frankly.

I'm all for giving employees a chance to show what they can do but not when children's safely is at stake. This isn;t just about someone with a different 'parenting' style, this is someone who could put your children at risk. It just is nowhere near normal nanny standards ime.

I think you have to let her go

Is it utterly impossible to move your working day on Monday, so that you get a chance to deal with this properly?

Ladymuck · 01/06/2007 23:38

I htink that you've made the right call pph. Your last nanny was marvellous and you were lucky that she was with you for so long.

I have to say that it will be a jump for most nannies to have to deal with 4 different age children (your last nanny grew into it, as did you). With the older ones I found it helpful to have a couple of books for my nanny to read to get some idea around discipline techniques with older ones as disciplining a 6 year old is very different from dealing with a 2yo.

Some of the issues (eg the leaving dd2 in the garden) may just arise out of inexperience in nannying (so many risk factors are already removed in a nursery setting). But I think that you need a different nanny - at this point you don't really trust her, and I'm not sure how easy t would be for that to change.

LynetteScavo · 01/06/2007 23:33

PPP, I get the feeling you don't tink this nanny is particularly good at her job. Do you want us to tell you to find another nanny? Do you even like her? Sit her down and tell her you don't expect your children to be shouted at, and point out exactly what is in her job description, what she needs to have done by the end of the day, etc. Give her another week/fortnight (tell he it is a trial period) and if things are no better, look for someone else.

vixma · 01/06/2007 23:30

Is your nanny raising her voice or shouting?
Okay she may have a different way in being a nanny, however she should have some understanding that the children are moving away from how the old nanny doe's things to how she doe's things. She should respect that this is the childrens home and they are used to doing thing your, and theyer way. If you feel she is not right find someone else because your children are the most important here. You previous nanny sounds awesome and the kids obviouly loved her. It is hard for you and the kids to move over from one nanny to the other, however if your kids are not happy find someone else because they should not feel intimidated.

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 23:06

I AM sharing the care! She hasn't been in sole charge at all! Most of last week I barely left the house because DS2 had had an op and we couldn't risk him getting a post-op infection, so he hasn't been anywhere. I've been in the house either all day or all day bar a max of 2 hours doing school runs and sainsburys.
And I have cooked every single meal, except two teas. So she had to produce boiled eggs and soldiers one day and bloody sandwiches for a picnic in the garden the next.

I'VE done all the work this week, I should have paid me £350 instead of her.

Yes, I'm going to get a friend to come in and check. HK can't stay all day, she has committments in the afternoon unfortunately

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lilackaty · 01/06/2007 21:55

Do you think that as she knew you don't work, she had seriously underestimated the amount of work she would be expected to do?
I believe you are doing the right thing in losing her but I have to say that some of the issues could be because she thought you were sharing the care and hadn't realised that she was in sole charge.

NurseyJo · 01/06/2007 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 21:07

bump
any more views? please?

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 20:27

bump for tootyfrooty and eleusis and other lovely helpful posters

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 20:16

Actually yogimum I don't work at the moment (but hope to start again in Sept - monday is an unusual but long standing arrangement for just that day). So normally it is shared care. During term time she does very little with the older ones except some of the school runs (in which case I'm with the younger ones) and feeding them in the evening. It really isn't a particularly onerous job, it just requires a bit of organisation. Littlest one naps for a couple of hours every afternoon (during which time no 3 watches tv for an hour), and it is only the childrens washing (which is one big wash every evening - off the kids and into the machine).

If I do start working again in Sept it will be a max of 1 day a week (and not summer hols). And no 3 will be at nursery school 4 days a week (he will be 4 by then)

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yogimum · 01/06/2007 19:28

when you get a replacement is it possible to take a couple of weeks off work to ease the nanny into the position? Hopefully you will find someone who has experience of four children next time who have different needs. At least if you were home you could see what is going on. this particular nanny sounds a bit immature IMO? Not quite sure of your situation so I apologise in advance but how did the last nanny fit in the cooking washing and ironing whilst looking after the children. Are they still taking naps? I wish you lots of luck you sound like a nice person to work for but your children have to come first so don't feel guilty.

Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 19:20

I think she'll be fine for 5 hours alone in the afternoon (2 of which DD2 will be asleep), but I may get a mate of mine to drop in on the way back from school for a spurious reason.

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Original poster
PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 19:18

OK I've just spoken to the woman at the agency who I got her from who was completely brilliant. She is going to phone her for a chat "hello, just wondered how everything was going", and see whether anything comes out of that. But basically she said that if I don't feel that I can trust her, she isn't the right nanny for us, and she will do eerything she can to find the right one (at no additional charge, obviously). She really talked it through well with me, and although she was too diplomatic to say so, she thinks I should cut loose and try again.

So I really need her on Monday, and I'm sure she'll be OK (and the HK will be there until early afternoon), then I'll do the deed after that.

AURGHGHGHGHGH

OP posts:
roisin · 01/06/2007 19:16

Oh snap with Tamum and WWW.
I was just going to say what hours does your HK do on Monday, and can she do more?

Tamum · 01/06/2007 19:12

Oh crumbs. She sounds very well-meaning from the conversation, but that's not really enough when it comes to safety, is it. Arrgh. Will the HK be around on Monday? Could you ask her to keep her eyes peeled if you can't change your days?

WideWebWitch · 01/06/2007 19:00

Leaving a 16mo alone in a garden with water? You've got to get rid. She might be fine with a smaller family etc but she's def not right for you. And she expects children to automatically LISTEN and behave? Blimey, what planet's she from?

foxinsocks · 01/06/2007 18:54

to get rid I mean

(and it's never easy having to do that really)

foxinsocks · 01/06/2007 18:53

well, it's also fairer on her if she's not coping