Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

I don't think I'd go away just yet pph

I haven't seen her offer cuddles to anyone except the baby who doesn't want them from her!

I find that a little strange... baby, is more toddler (16 mths) and I find that aged child will readily accept cuddles, physical touch etc. Even Autistic children of that age I don't find have issues over physical contact. Could just be with the children I've worked with over the past 17 years, but that has been my experience.

With the older two I can see that offering them a cuddle would be harder to do - unless they have injured themselves and need some TLC... but 3 year old and 16 mth old it should not be a problem with.

I am not at all surprised that you are worried about leaving your children for 3 days. Any parent would have worries, only natural, but given the nanny has yet to bond with the children, it will be hard on everyone. At least your dh will be around a bit - can he work from home? Also you have your hk to fall back on though that isn't ideal as being childcarer is not her role.

What are your options, is it better having the nanny around while you are away, or just having hk and your dh care for the children?

Nanny may well be out of her depth, the change from nursery to working for a family with 4 children under 10 may be too much for her to adjust to in this period of time.

PPH, do you want this nanny working in your house, looking after your children? It doesn't sound like you do. I imagine you will all strugle along for a few months, before someone has had enough, and either she leaves or you sack her. Unless you sort this out now.

This is exactly the type of scenario where I envisaged nanny mediation being useful. I still have this at the end of my business 'to do list' so if you fancy being my second guinea pig then you can always let me come over and try and sort this one out for you! I do behaviour management consultancy and have on occasions worked with nannies for families.

Although a serious offer, this isn't me angling for work as I'm really too busy to get this new venture of the ground right now but a reference would come in handy from anybody willing to try out the service while in its infancy as a business concept.

Offer aside, from the very first post alone it sounds as though although she is 'shouty' and probably not employing the best behaviour management techniques, she maybe does not have a full understanding of your very personal boundaries. For some, the very fact that everybody else is going up one set of stairs demands that this is not a thing to be questioned or quibbled over. For you, this is a situation that does not present any issue and you are happy for your ds to exert his independent decision making skills. Either is fine but what is important that the nanny understands you and your parenting ethos.

Sounds like she doesn't and is unsure about asking for clarification, or she does and cannot find a way to reconcile this with her own thinking.

OK, she may be used to working in a nursery rather than a home environment but why on earth would that make any difference to how she deals with babies and children.

Surely you treat them the same way regardless of the setting? (Obviously not talking so much re the tidying up aspect)

Agree with Tamum's post.

I want to come round

I think my children would like your children

ditch the bitch

PPh it isn't that she is a bad nanny, it's just that she doesn't fit in with your family.

There is nothing to be bothered about - there just isn;t the 'fit'you need to make it work.
The nanny we let go understood that fully - that is was just mismatched needs and moved on quite happily to a better suited position.

I would think hard about the approach that Eleusis suggests because I think it is more important that your children are happy than it is that your nanny is!

From everything you have posted here today, I get the impression that you don;t really think the nanny suits your family. So I would find someone who does]

Your children sound lovely pph!

Oh poor you pph. Your children sound absolutely lovely. I was feeling slightly more generous until I got to their descriptions but now it sounds as though she has to go. The dumping on the floor bit and removal of dd2 (which sounds utterly genuine btw) ring real alarm bells.

Perhaps you could show her this thread pph?

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good at all.

Could she maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed with the first week being with all the children off school, you around, lots of business, etc.? And of course incredibly hard act to follow after your previous nanny?

But to be brutally honest it just doesn't sound as if she's on your wavelength at all, and I can't see it working out to anyone's satisfaction.

She sounds like she has a different style of "parenting" than you do. I am a big believer in being strict with my children (they clear their own plates and put them in the dishwasher and make their own beds even though we have a housekeeper). However, I always say please when I am giving out orders and I don't believe in just picking up a child unless they have had several warnings. And who cares which stairway they go up unless you are in a hurry and have already asked them 3 times to go upstairs (doesn't sound like the case with your nanny). I suspect that she isn't going to change because what you are describing is not "bad" behavior on her part, it's just a different way of doing things and a different set of rules and values. Unlikely that she will change those to suit you. Also, I would be very very very wary of a nanny (or any caretaker) who says to my children (or to anyone else) that she is taking a child to be with her so that they can get used to each other.
I would start looking for someone else.

It doesn't sound good pph

Your children sound lovely and diplomatic, but it does sound as though they are less than keen. They don't deserve to be bellowed at or stopped from playing with their little sister.

I would probably get rid of her sooner rather than later if it were me (not much chance of that, lol )

So far you have one side of the story - the view of the children and the hk. So you need to have the chat with the nanny, see how she is feeling - does she think things are going well - talk about what you and the children do not feel is going well. Then at next review, re-evaluate it.

Still have the chat though PPH, because she might just have got it a bit wrong and thought she had to go in strong because otherwise the children won't obey her.

Oh dear, as I typed that I realized it wasn't very convincing AT ALL. No, sounds a bit dodgy to me. She'll have them doing press-ups at 4.00 in the morning next, in white shorts and t-shirts, she'll get a whistle - perhaps she'd better go?

Seems to me as though this nanny may be wanting to care for a toddler, but not a 3 year old and does not relate well to school aged children - just the impression I am getting.

It's hard, as a nanny my charges are 1 month, 2.5 yrs, 4yrs and 8.5yrs and I don't relate well with the eldest, but we do get along reasonably - even if I won't make him burger and chips every day!

Do you get the feeling that your nanny has a lack of interest in DS2? What does he think? Given the age of your children, I would expect that nanny is there to care mostly for DS2 and DD2 and more supervise DS1 and DD1 before/after school. If nanny is having trouble relating to DS2, then I feel you need to have words and if it does not improve then she will have to go.

Your eldest two don't seem to like her, but they may be missing the last nanny and at the end of the day no one will be the same as the last nanny... any nanny will be different. So use the probationary period and see if new nanny will adjust to the ways of the household - no shouting, saying please and thank you, avoiding being too bossy, etc.