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Original poster

What to do - au pair just announced she's pregnant

57 replies

Pbelle · 09/05/2018 09:23

Hello worldwide web,
Need help please. Here's the background: our French au pair, with us since October, recently met a boyfriend in a nearby town. Last night, as I was going to bed, she told me that she's pregnant.

Her situation isn't ideal and we are left wondering what to do, ethically, and a little selfishly. DH is all in favour of (me) telling her to go in July. I am not certain what is right/best/kindest...

For the past few weeks, she has been asking us if she could stay beyond the intended July end date so she can move in with her BF once he's saved up enough deposit to buy a place at the end of this year. Despite a bit of a worry that there are not many people looking to start in January, we agreed to look for someone who could start early 2019, and that she could stay when the new au pair arrived.

Au pair doesn't speak any English yet, which isn't helped as bf is Italian, also arrived last October and doesn't speak English, and works as a chef in his friend's restaurant, sharing a bedroom whilst he saves money. Her Italian has come on a treat mind you.

She has no home to go to in France (she's 30 and gave up her flatshare, sold her car etc to come here, she was in unemployment before arriving).

To make it more complex, we were living in France when we had our kids so I know nothing about "what to do" when pregnant here. It's quite structured in France, lots of paperwork to send off left, right and centre. I'm thinking that I need to take her to the GP in the next few days to find out.

As I mentioned DH wants to find replacement ASAP - he can be a bit black and white, whilst I'm not sure what to do. We need help with childcare, that's for sure. We both work full time (although I work from home 4 days a week), but I'm also away from home a lot as my little sister is terminally ill and I'm helping her as much as possible too, so do worry that the unknowns of pregnancy will compromise us as a family; also that I don't have the time to be there for her as chief translator (assuming she wants that); that I don't know how to help her out practically; that it's not my place to... Already it's starting arguments :(

All advice gratefully received...

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savagehk · 09/05/2018 10:08

She needs to be booked in with midwives, sometimes you can go direct to them otherwise via gp.

Otherwise.... If her pregnancy is easy, she could stay while pregnant. But boyfriend needs a faster, better plan for accommodation.

Badweekjustgotworse · 09/05/2018 10:02

Op are you in France? So she’s in her home country and her bf is Italian, is that right?

She’s not your responsibility, harsh I know but she’s not that’s just the reality. She’s 30 ffs not a 17 yr old in a foreign country!

Where are her own family? Surely she needs to be leaning on them for support now and not you as a surrogate mother?

I agree that you can’t just sack her because she’s pregnant but she needs to sort out her living arrangements so she has somewhere to go once the baby arrives. What if she goes into premature labour at 30 weeks but puce told her she can stay till 36 weeks and she has no where to go?

You need to be very clear with her about how long you can keep her on and help support her emotionally while she tries to sort herself out.

It all sounds very. Stressful, especially with your sisters illness Flowers

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 09/05/2018 09:53

Blimey. This is a bit of a mess.

Has she vocalised what she sees happening here? Is she intending to effectively lodge with you, have her baby with you (how far along is she?) and then move out at the end of the year? If so, how does she intend to contribute to her living costs until then - and those of her baby, if the baby will be born at your home?

If the baby will be living with you for a while, do you have a big enough house that you and your family won't be disturbed at night?

Is it likely her bf will have saved for a deposit by the end of the year?

If not, it will be much, much harder to kick out an actual baby than it is now...

What's her family situation in France? Surely this is their issue to help with, not yours?

I'm all for caring for people in your employment but I wouldn't expect my boss to give me shelter, translation services, and moral support when I had a baby.

MaybeDoctor · 09/05/2018 09:50

My gut reactions would be to keep her on until the start of her maternity leave.

Pregnancy won't stop her working, but you need to look up what your duties and obligations are to her as an employer (I know it is not quite the same status for au-pairs, but it is a guideline).

Allow her time off for antenatal appointments.

Tell her about Pregnacare/antenatal vitamins.

Impress upon her that she needs to have sorted out some living arrangements by the time her maternity leave begins - week 36 or 38, depending on how long she wants to work.

Teenytinyvoice · 09/05/2018 09:41

I don’t see any reason that you would have to let her stay beyond her previously agreed leaving date? It’s not like she is a vulnerable 18 year old. Au pairs are supposed to help, to add to the burden!
On the what to do medically, she needs to find out whether your area needs a gp appt to refer to the midwife or whether it’s a self referral area.

Original poster
Pbelle · 09/05/2018 09:37

Hi, I want her to go but I'm worried that it will be unkind to give her her marching orders as she will be totally helpless (I like her, we all do).

I don't want the responsibility but I do want decent childcare and there are so few good au pairs who want to come here. We've been looking since the start of April. We are quite fussy but we know what works (the profile of person who'll be happy here), and what doesn't (had one disaster au pair who lasted 4 weeks and even lost the kids).

What I want least of all are the arguments with DH though. I know he's right but the weight of dealing with it all lands on my shoulders as he's away working all week so I am the one who must have the difficult conversations.

I feel like I ought to approach this with a "this is what I believe you should do" and a bit of guidance. Trouble being that I don't have the knowledge to guide with!

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 09/05/2018 09:28

Gosh. What do you WANT to do? Do you want to take on responsibility for this au pair? since that would seemingly be the case here.

To me, it sounds like you have more than enough on your plate without this added complication. Also, since she's 30, she's more than old enough to take responsibility for her own life. It sounds more like a nightmare in the making tbh. There's no guarantee of boyfriend getting his own place any time soon.

Personally I would wave goodbye in July.