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Original poster

What to do - au pair just announced she's pregnant

57 replies

Pbelle · 09/05/2018 09:23

Hello worldwide web,
Need help please. Here's the background: our French au pair, with us since October, recently met a boyfriend in a nearby town. Last night, as I was going to bed, she told me that she's pregnant.

Her situation isn't ideal and we are left wondering what to do, ethically, and a little selfishly. DH is all in favour of (me) telling her to go in July. I am not certain what is right/best/kindest...

For the past few weeks, she has been asking us if she could stay beyond the intended July end date so she can move in with her BF once he's saved up enough deposit to buy a place at the end of this year. Despite a bit of a worry that there are not many people looking to start in January, we agreed to look for someone who could start early 2019, and that she could stay when the new au pair arrived.

Au pair doesn't speak any English yet, which isn't helped as bf is Italian, also arrived last October and doesn't speak English, and works as a chef in his friend's restaurant, sharing a bedroom whilst he saves money. Her Italian has come on a treat mind you.

She has no home to go to in France (she's 30 and gave up her flatshare, sold her car etc to come here, she was in unemployment before arriving).

To make it more complex, we were living in France when we had our kids so I know nothing about "what to do" when pregnant here. It's quite structured in France, lots of paperwork to send off left, right and centre. I'm thinking that I need to take her to the GP in the next few days to find out.

As I mentioned DH wants to find replacement ASAP - he can be a bit black and white, whilst I'm not sure what to do. We need help with childcare, that's for sure. We both work full time (although I work from home 4 days a week), but I'm also away from home a lot as my little sister is terminally ill and I'm helping her as much as possible too, so do worry that the unknowns of pregnancy will compromise us as a family; also that I don't have the time to be there for her as chief translator (assuming she wants that); that I don't know how to help her out practically; that it's not my place to... Already it's starting arguments :(

All advice gratefully received...

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CrackingEggs · 09/05/2018 17:22

I so utterly sorry Pbelle.

elderflowerandrose · 09/05/2018 16:53

You need rock solid support for the next six months at least.
Given what you are going through this is one of the smaller and easier issues but there are often the hardest.
Focus on getting a new au pair, one that is both totally reliable and is happy to be flexible. You may need her to do much more at times after August.
Your family need to come first and this au pair needs to remain professional until July and then leave. You can be as kind and as nice about letting her know, but you just can not take this on.

wizzywig · 09/05/2018 16:50

As elderflower has said, i can see this happening with you. If she is in a state at the age of 30 you'll be babysittimg her

Original poster
Pbelle · 09/05/2018 16:49

thanks CrackingEggs, we are in Gloucestershire :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Pbelle · 09/05/2018 16:47

Yes, put like that it is pretty clear. Tragedy is that she's quite intelligent, just woefully lacking in motivation in life overall. That said, she bothered herself to come to the UK for a year so I'll give her that.

And yes, I have quite a lot on my plate at the moment. Probably not helping me to think clearly as I'm an emotional mess some days. My sister has very young children too and it's unbelievably hard to deal with day to day, as she needs someone with her 24h - hence why I'm often not home and really need the au pair more than ever. She's having chemo, which will end in August and after which the docs can do no more and some times it's all we can cope with to take our next breath.
Feel a bit angry that we are now in another situation. If she were to stay it would open the door to troubles untold, and leaving in July means we are without childcare potentially. She does have to go though - I now realise that, which is a good step further forward than where I was this morning.

OP posts:
CrackingEggs · 09/05/2018 16:41

If you're in London I know of an amazing au pair who might be interested, also a nanny. pM me if that would help practically.

On an emotional level I feel for all of you, however I would ask her to leave when her contract expires. I'm not sure of people get employment rights after one or two years. I'm also not sure when maternity rights kick in. I'm sure gov.uk will tell you.

Whitney168 · 09/05/2018 16:33

So, to clarify:

  • You are dealing with terminal illness in your already busy lives
  • You have known this woman about 6 months
  • Her boyfriend has known her less than this, doesn't speak her language, and she is now pregnant
  • The above scenario is unlikely to go well, she may not see much of him when the news sinks in ...
  • Even if he does stick by her, he is working as a chef - not usually a well-paid job - but tells her he will be buying a house. Is there any reason to think this is actually achievable?

I would wish her well and wave her off in July before you get stuck with a virtual stranger's baby adding to your issues!

JiltedJohnsJulie · 09/05/2018 16:18

So sorry to hear about your sister. Having been through 2 bereavements already this year I’m going to say I think your DH is right on this one. Get her to book an appointment at the GP and give her some Folic Acid and vitamin D to take but ask her to leave as originally planned.

You need to have a reliable person looking after your children and the reluctance to learn English seems to be a warning in itself.

Original poster
Pbelle · 09/05/2018 16:05

Wow, thanks for the advice. Massive help sorting my head out. Just out of a client meeting and hanging with tiredness!

It hadn't occurred to me that we might open the door to more obligations by letting her stay longer.

The maternity complications worry me a lot elderflowerandrose, you are right to point that one out. It's the possibility of my needing to carry her through what could be a difficult few months. She told me she only did the test yesterday (I think I believe her), so by that rationale it would be the long haul, which I have little strength for.

Part of her remit is to speak only in French with the kids, so that's always been a bonus to us. We do the English, whereas when she's with them she keeps their French going. But you're right, she really dragged her heels learning, and has ditched her course in favour of seeing this fella every waking moment.

So, back to aupairworld it is then! To answer the other (very pertinent) question, she hasn't told us what she wants to do yet. Her track record to date would indicate that she'd plan to stay at ours as long as possible. There's no way we could accommodate a bambino without serious disruption, and that's out of the question. She's not terribly dynamic as a person, but by the same rationale her plodding nature has made her reliable rather than moody and hotheaded (speaks from experience with others). Until now! Reliability record tarnished...

Pants. Guess we are heading for a possibly delicate conversation tonight. I'll let you know how THAT one goes...

Thanks for the midwife referral advice. I'll check out what route we need to go down and pick her up a pack of Pregnacare on the way home as a goodwill gesture.

Final thought, you are quite right that, at 30 years old, she is big enough to fend for herself. Our previous aupairs have all been 21-or-so, I need to snap out of that mindset and shed the guilt, she's not a kid.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 09/05/2018 11:35

I would let her finish in July. She is 30, she has support over here. Make a GP appointment for her, allow her time off for appointments. To be honest allowing her stay after her end date so her boyfriend can save up was asking for problems without adding a baby to the mix.

AdaColeman · 09/05/2018 11:10

I'd close her employment in July as in the contract.

As she is 30 rather than 18, I wouldn't get too involved in where she will live, how she will fund her life etc.

I'd head her in the right direction for medical care, give her time off for appointments etc, but not get over involved,.

You already have a lot to be dealing with in your own life, you can't take on a mother and baby too.

qazxc · 09/05/2018 11:00

I'd let her go in July when her contract finishes.
She is a grown woman and has to look after her own housing and health, it is not your responsibility.

Namechange128 · 09/05/2018 10:59

End by July. Extending this could be very hard for all of you, including your DCs, and also puts you in a potentially legally tricky place if she cannot get a place with her bf and wants to stay with you
qandahr.co.uk/accommodation-and-maternity-rights/

juneau · 09/05/2018 10:50

I would tell her she needs to visit her GP (and if she doesn't have one, take her down to your local GP, where you are registered, with her passport and proof of address and get her registered).

Then I would probably stick to the July leave-date, unless that will leave you totally in the lurch and without childcare that you need for work, etc.

Do what suits YOU best. She is a 30-year-old woman who is responsible for her own health and housing and beyond the agreed terms of her employment with you those things are not your problem. So try to remove the emotional aspect of this and look at it as her employer.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 09/05/2018 10:47

She's 30 years old, for heaven's sake! She's not your responsibility. You don't need to do anything. Stick with the original plan.

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/05/2018 10:45

Finish in July as per original agreement.

You also state her English isn't good and hasn't improved. That can't be good for the children surely unless she is teaching them French.

PaulMorel · 09/05/2018 10:35

The reason why you hired an au pair is to give partially or half of your responsibility in handling your child. She's already at the age of 30, she has the right mind of what to do, tc of herself and be responsible.

Davespecifico · 09/05/2018 10:32

She’s 30 and you’re not her parents. Go with July.

elderflowerandrose · 09/05/2018 10:29

Also just wanted to tell you we had a similar situation, we continued with our lady knowing as long as we could to help her with money (she did have a flat and dp had a job) but they were struggling. I decided to do the right thing and agree to her working until the baby was born.

She developed pregnancy complications which meant she was constantly taking time off and calling in sick, and leaving me in the lurch. It was so stressful. In addition she then refused to do some of the things that were part of her job (they were not dangerous but more tiring) and started cutting corners and not doing things properly even when she did come. We were paying her, and then having to employ someone else to cover her. It was a big mistake, and we had six months of endless problems. I am going to also sound mean when I say it took a huge emotional toll too, she was forever crying and getting upset because she her family were overseas and because we cared for her, we would spend hours comforting her and reassuring her.

I would honestly use the golden opportunity that is the planned ending and tell her you have already found and promised the job to someone else. You can still support her with little texts and messages, and can be there for her in other ways until she leaves.

She can find temp work for other families, and you could ask around to see if anyone needs any help over the summer.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 10:28

She’s 30 not an orphan 17 year old. I would finish in July or end August because there might not be much happening over summer. You can’t step into loco parentis- of course you can give guidance as to gp, refer to midwife but it’s her job really.

elderflowerandrose · 09/05/2018 10:23

I would finish the contract as arranged in July and leave it at that.

It is an unholy mess that you will be sucked into unless you finish as planned in July, I agree with your dh on this one.

You can be supportive by helping her with midwife app, vitamins, assistance in taking time off, but I would leave the 'logistics' to her and her bf as to where she is going to live etc. As her employer this has nothing to do with you anyway, and my best advice would be not to get involved.

If you don't handle this carefully and properly you could quickly find all three living with you. Nightmare.

LillianGish · 09/05/2018 10:23

I think you are going to have to be hard-headed about it and tell her her contract is up at the end of July. Otherwise you may well end up feeling even more responsible for her. Her boyfriend may never save up enough money, their relationship might not even last. She is a 30-year-old woman not an 18-year-old girl - old enough to take responsibility for her own actions. In your situation I would find out what she needs to do with regard to having the baby in Britain (both mine were born in France too so can't help with that) and tell her what she needs to do. You already have an enormous amount on your plate - start looking for a new au pair and don't make her any more dependant on you than she already is - you will be doing her no favours by delaying the inevitable.

savagehk · 09/05/2018 10:15

How far along is she?

PinkCloudDweller · 09/05/2018 10:11

Also, if the baby is born whilst your au pair lives with you, does tgen she gain rights to stay in your property? I'd look into that if I were you xx

junglebookisthebest · 09/05/2018 10:10

I think you are taking on too much here - she is 30 not an 18 year old.
Start looking for a new au pair for the summer and tell her that you are going back to the original plan of July not January as it doesn't work for you.
She is not your responsibility - she has had plenty of time to sort out her language issues. Seems like instead of doing that she has been having fun with boyfriend and now she can grow up if she's going to start a family.