P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

Well I think you make staying out a big deal tbh by relieving her of her duties the morning after she's stayed out.

Gah..........employing an AuPair goes to some peoples heads. If you are a reasonable employer, she will be a reasonable employee.

ST - My friend wasn't allowed to fill up the car with petrol in work hours with chidren in the car when with one employer. I found that fascinating and spent my time wondering whether the mother herself would have a special petrol filling time to avoid doing it near children.

Is it possible she thought the last train back was earlier than you think it was?

Not really, apparently the Nanny before me was perfectly happy with the situation but she only stayed for a year...I'm sure she must have been a bit weird to stay in 6 nights a week in Milan!

Oh the stories I could tell about unreasonable Employers!!!

Mumpbump - listen here to your own words "She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home." So no real reason? Apart from the fact that she might have fancied a night out or doing something else which as a 27-year old she's entitled to do. I think you expected her to be home and you can't understand what a young woman could possibly be doing out in town. No wonder she told lies, perhaps you'd understand what missing the train means. She didn't count on you double-checking that.

ST- were your employers embarrassed? (sorry, one of myf friends was a nanny for years and some of her stories fascinate me )

lying not on - but how certain are you that she lied this time? May have been a mix up?

I think the key to this is that you may be unwittingly giving her this message:

You can stay out overnight, BUT we don't trust you to get back on time, so we'll have to rearrange our mornings because of you.

Not possibly what you meant, but she might infer a wee bit of emotional blackmail from that.

It does seem as if she needs to ask permission to be out overnight, though. Is the nanny going to live in?

tbh, I have a good understanding of why she lied.

Mumpbump, happily for you you'll never know the feeling of having to call an Employer at 27yrs old to ask if it's ok if you stay out!

Believe me I'd rather lie!

What happens if she misses taking the children to nursery? Does she then have to make up the time elsewhere? Or does she miss out on pay?

Has she ever been late? I would expect a 27 year old to understand that she has to turn up on time. I have 4 people between the ages of 17 and 23 working for me. I expect them all to turn up on time and they do.

Perhaps you should try treating her like an adult, I made it back from Kent to NW London on time to start my work at 7:45am a few weeks ago!...If the train had been late I'd have jumped in a cab!

Hang on a minute, so in effect you are telling her that if she wants to sleep elsewhere than she has to agree not to work the next morning, so losing money, or having to do some other time at your convenience, even if she would have been home on time. Because you don't like the extra stress. has it happened before that you had to worry whether she'd turn up or not, or was she not even given the chance beforehand?

Gess, after a couple of months & a call to my Agency that was soon sorted out!

She never ever realised I wsa looking after the children still drunk/sleepless either!...I'm an insomniac anyway!

She's probably lying because you have her on a ridiculously tight rein. At 27, I would stay where I wanted when I wanted and not answer to someone trying to control me.

As long as she is doing the job then there shouldn't be a problem. She'll probably be glad to leave your regime.

the employer said you were only allowed out one night a week How long were you in that job?

I think you have a valid point about her taking liberties with respect to her working hours.

But, in all honesty, a 27 year old does not need (and probably does not want) a new set of parents. My current nanny was 21 when started with us. The house rules ask that she let us know if she will not be coming home as a courtesy so we don't worry about her if she is not there. But, I certainly don't expect her to ask permission. She would never do this during the week simply because her work day with us, when she is expected to be showered, dressed, and ready for work, begins at 6:30am. So, if she didn't come out I dare say she'd be the one who was sorry the next day. If she didn't show p for work at 6:30, then I'd be mighty unhappy but that has never happened.

But, at 27 I don't think you can expect to govern what she does or doesn't do outside of her work hours.

I really think there is a lack of communication here -- does she realise thay you expect her to ask permission? Or does she think "oh I'll just call and let them know and it will be fine".

One time I was on a business tripin Atlanta and I didn't want to go to the airport. So I cancelled my flight stayed on to party and took the first flight out in the morniing and went straight to work. I showed up at work on time. Nobody asked me where I slept.

Fron a Nannies point of view, sometimes we like to keep a little bit of our lives private & just sometimes we may feel rather silly having to ask for permission (at 27yrs old!) so tell a white lie instead.

I had a Employer who thought it was perfectly reasonable for me to stay in every night apart from my day off...So on a Thursday night I went out clubbing til 6am & started my work at 7:45am!

Sometimes Employers are more than unreasonable.

A 27 year old woman is being asked to explain her whereabouts on her time off to her boss, albeit some of that time off was given to her at her boss's discretion.

This amount of interest in my private life would have me fibbing to protect my privacy, and it would confuse me - why the interest? what do they want to hear?

I think she's taking the pee if she's not at work, sober, presentable and in a fit condition to work. Living in your house, obv she should abide by the house rules, but I think I would word 'agreeing in advance' differently,if that's how it was worded originally. One might infer permission is needed to stay out, which I don't believe you think is the case.

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable, she's 27, she turned up on time- think its a bit odd that she felt the need to lie rather than text and say "won't be home tonight see you tomorrow, will be back at 7am so can do nursery run" but it sounds like she was worried about getting in trouble if she told the truth.