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Original poster

P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

158 replies

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:19

Our au pair didn't come home last night and sent us a text at 23:30 saying she had missed the last train home from London - 45 minutes before the last train left! She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home.

I'm irritated because I feel that we have been very accommodating and helpful to her generally and she has lied to us which is completely "disrespectful". It is not the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things. She is meant to be leaving at the end of the month so there is an issue about whether this is a sign of things to come, but do you think it would be unfair to ask her to go sooner in the circumstances? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

She looks after our ds for the whole day on Mondays, but we have someone else lined up to take over anyway. I feel leaving ds in the care of someone who is not honest is questionable, but again wonder if I'm being overprotective...

Any comments welcome! Thanks...

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bossykate · 02/05/2007 15:30

i'm sure i have read many a time on mnet that it is pretty standard to ask a nanny or au pair living in to let the employer know if staying out all night - surely it's just courtesy to prevent worry, ensure the house gets locked up etc?

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:29

Can I just say that we have let the boyfriend stay overnight at our house exactly because I (unlike dh) think you have to respect the fact that a 27 year old woman is going to be sexually active.

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:28

I wouldn't lie to the Employer I have now because I can do what I want as long as I do my job!

I have lied to previous unreasonable Employers, yes & I'm not dishonest or unreliable!

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:28

This happened last night, not on Sunday, so we gave her time off so she could leave early to get up to the football.

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:27

Tell me someone who has never lied to their employer. "Have you done this, Cristina?" "Oh, working on it (as I fumble to get started)."

Aloha · 02/05/2007 15:27

I'd certainly lie to my employer if they wanted me to ask permission at the age of 27 to sleep with my boyfriend!

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:27

Mumpbump, she is still not free to stay out without asking you first though so it's the same as having to ask permission.

She knows she's supposed to work on Monday mornings therefore won't want to ask if she can stay out on Sunday nights.

MrsWobble · 02/05/2007 15:26

and she did let you know she wasn't coming home so you could lock up etc. I think if your relationship has broken down as it appears to have done you're best off calling it a day and agreeing to part company.

it doesn't really matter who did/said what now I think - you don't trust her and she may not want to stay either

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:26

Scottishthistle - would you lie to your employer?

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ConnieDescending · 02/05/2007 15:25

But maybe she wanted to stay out on spur of the moment? I think you're creating a huge problem out of this. It is you who is being disrespectful to her. Let it go and the silly requests.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:24

MB - you sound like a fair and perhaps generous employer, but there must have been a communication problem. Just let it go. My sister has a similarly bad experience with her au-pair, also paid return air-fares (to Sri Lanka!), health insurance etc etc, it just didn't work out and she asked her to leave after 5 months. It was all down to communication in her case too, expectations on either side etc. BTW I thought my sister was being unreasonable as well.

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:24

I'm trying to give you advice from a Nanny perspective & you're not listening!

If you were my Boss, I'd lie too!

I can stay out whenever I like as long as I make it to work...I've been late twice and I was actually in the house!

Aloha · 02/05/2007 15:24

"the rules of the house we gave her when she started states that she is not to stay out overnight without agreeing it in advance."

That sounds very much like having to ask for permission to me.

gess · 02/05/2007 15:23

Hang on -is it only the make up times that she's turned up late? Never her normal duties? I suspect she's telling you something there! Although still not acceptable to be late.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:23

I think it is going in circles because everyone seems to think that she has to ask my permission. As previously states, all we ask to do is for her to let us know when she wants to stay out so we can make our own decisions regarding childcare. She has turned up late on a couple of occasions so why would I want to put it to the test to see if she also turns up late when it would potentially make me late for work?

It is the lying that (to me) is disrespectful, not the fact that she stayed out overnight. This is not the first time she has lied, as I mentioned. Last time, we didn't kick up a fuss, but chalked it up to experience.

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:21

All the money/presents & kindness in the world won't make up for the humiliation of having to ask for permission to stay out!

gess · 02/05/2007 15:19

MB I would tell her I expect her to turn up on time. That would be entirely reasonable of course. But if you start saying she doesn;t have to work the morning after staying out then you mkae it hard for her to stay out without having permission. And I can understand why she lied. You did say earlier you were 'in loco parentis' and I really don't think that's appropriate for a 27 year old.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:19

Connie - that's my point. We have never said no to any of her requests, we have always paid her on time, we let her take my car away on holiday for a week because it was easier and cheaper for her and her boyfriend than going on public transport, we paid for half her air fare coming over, gave her Xmas presents and money, money for her birthday recently even though we knew she was going home after 7 months instead of 24 months as she initially said. I think we have been VERY reasonable and would expect her to have a little more respect for us than to lie to us over such a stupid thing!

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:19

Not turning up on time is not excusable, but at least you have an employer who won't be asking you questions about where you spent your night or just assuming that you wouldn't be capable of showing up on time if you'd done anything naughty the night before. I feel we're going in circles on this one.

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:19

I'm sure if you made it perfectly clear she has to be back in good time for work on Monday morning, it then wouldn't be the issue you seem to have made it tbh!

Eleusis · 02/05/2007 15:19

So, if you are running low on petrol, what are you supposed to do with the kids while you fill up?

Mumpbump, but are you sure that SHE knows when the last train back is? Perhaps she thought it was earlier than it was.

Aloha · 02/05/2007 15:18

She's a 27-year-old woman. I think stipulating that she must get your permission to sleep with her boyfriend is really horribly controlling. OK, she should let you know if she's not coming back so you can lock up, but I would have found it utterly humiliating to have to ask permission to stay out. You basically left her with two options - to, as a fully grown adult woman to ask your permission to sleep with her boyfriend (you could have said no), or to use a little white lie instead. IME when you try to control people too much, they tend to lie to retain their automony and dignity.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 15:17

And making her make up for it at the weekend!

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 15:17

Gess - even though she's turned up an hour or so late on previous occasions that we've asked her to make up time at the weekend? How do I explain to my boss that I'm an hour late for work because my au pair stayed out overnight and didn't make it back on time?

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:17

One of my friend's wasn't allowed to get the children's clothes dirty!!!

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