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Original poster

P*ssed off with au pair - am I overreacting?

158 replies

Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 10:19

Our au pair didn't come home last night and sent us a text at 23:30 saying she had missed the last train home from London - 45 minutes before the last train left! She was watching the football which finished at 22:30 so there is no real reason for her not to have made it home.

I'm irritated because I feel that we have been very accommodating and helpful to her generally and she has lied to us which is completely "disrespectful". It is not the second or third time she has lied to us, all about silly things. She is meant to be leaving at the end of the month so there is an issue about whether this is a sign of things to come, but do you think it would be unfair to ask her to go sooner in the circumstances? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

She looks after our ds for the whole day on Mondays, but we have someone else lined up to take over anyway. I feel leaving ds in the care of someone who is not honest is questionable, but again wonder if I'm being overprotective...

Any comments welcome! Thanks...

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soak · 02/05/2007 16:43

sorry MB! just read your post on the background and can see why you're fuming!
I also think that if she is not coming back to deduct the money from her allowance (I doubt she would offer to refund half...)

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:39

NKF - we don't usually bother too much about how many hours she actually does 'cos we're not that fussed provided she takes ds to nursery and picks him up okay. That is the primary reason we have an au pair because it is difficult for us to get back from work to pick him up from nursery on time so we've always turned a blind eye to the fact she works nowhere near her contratual hours. We also helped her get another part-time job helping someone out with their children.

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soak · 02/05/2007 16:39

I think the reason she lied is that she knew you would have told her not to bother coming to work in the morning (and that she would have had to make up the hours another time even though it would not have been her choice to not be working in the morning which was why she kind of showed you the 'up your's' sign and arrived 1/2 hour early). I'm guessing that on the normal days she works she has not been late?
I think if my boss said to me 'dont come in tomorrow morning as you are out tonight' I would have thought 'nice one!' it would never cross my mind that I would have to make up the hours that my boss told me to have off!

Stigaloid · 02/05/2007 16:37

Mumpbump - with more background details i can see why you are annoyed. Is she going back for a holiday or full time? If it is permanent i would ask for a refund of the flight costs - or at least half the flight costs.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:34

Stig - "allowance" is how it is described on all the au pair websites I have visited - that is why I use that term. And she voluntarily told me she had been out at the Walkabout pub near Temple which is half an hour by tube from Victoria and she sent her text message 45 minutes before the last train so she had plenty of time to make it to the station...

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Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:32

No - she did turn up on time. She has also volunteered that she is very happy with us on previous occasions so I don't think that she has any particular issues with us and the way our household works/rules of the house.

I didn't want to make this a long-winded post, but there is a background to this.

The thing is she said she would come for 24 months and on that basis we paid for half of her airfare (£540 in total). As I mentioned, we arranged to take ds out of nursery on Mondays in part to give her something to do and some more pocket money. The weekend before the first Monday he was due to be at home (in early April), she mentioned very much in passing that her boyfriend had booked flights to go back home with her at the start of July (at which point she would have been with us for about 8 months). When I asked her if that meant she was going home then, said yes - so we had taken ds out of nursery on the assumption she was a long-term prospect and she had already decided she was only staying for a couple more months with us which I didn't think was particularly considerate of her. I was also slightly irritated that we had forked out a lot of money which we would not have done if she had said she was only coming for 8 months.

Then she lied about something in order to justify her friend staying over for a second night (we have never, ever said no once to her having friends stay over, even for the whole weekend) which I thought odd. And now she has lied again about why she "couldn't" make it home last night. I just feel that there is a history of her being less than honest with us and that is why I am so p*ssed off.

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Stigaloid · 02/05/2007 16:30

I think you are over reacting. I also find it weird you call her pay her 'allowance'. You her employer not he parent. She is a grown adult and is she stays out away from your child but turns up on time for work the next day (even half an hour earlier) then i can not see the problem.

You also assume she lied because you assume you know what she was up to. What if she went for a meal after the game? She may have genuinely missed the last train. She may not have been anywhere near the station when she texted you. I think she was courteous enough to text you and turned up on time - i think you are over-reacting, but you obviously don't trust her so it is probably good that this arrangement is coming to an end.

I'd also ensure a contract is drawn up between you and the next au pair so she is aware of your rules as an employer.

gess · 02/05/2007 16:27

NKF- but she did get home on time. - so the childcare didn;t need to be rearranged. She was late for 2 make up sessions when she was asked to work the weekends instead of doing the mornings in case she was late.

Whole thing sounds barking to me tbh.

gess · 02/05/2007 16:26

If my mother had expected me to agree in advance if I wanted to stay out when I was 27 I would have thought she was insane.

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:25

I wouldn't let her have a boyfriend overnight either. It goes back to my original point, she's way too old to be living like this and it was unlikely to work out for long. She should be flat sharing and having a high old time. Not living in someone else's house.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 16:25

When I was living at home I couldn't even stay out overnight. I also had my mum going through my pockets to see if she could find any cigarettes. lots of other things, too humiliating to think about. I vowed I'd treat my children with more respect.

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:23

Mumpbump, why don't you make her work the 25 hours a week? Usually I mean.

Aloha · 02/05/2007 16:22

She DID let you know though! Or at least, tried to.
I think it would be wrong to make your adult child ask your permission to stay out. And in this case she is not your child. She is your employee.
So, if you wants to spend the night elsewhere, you effectively dock her pay?

I think it's a good thing this arrangement is coming to an end.

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:22

I never lied to my parents - well I did it once when I stayed out and thought I'd sneak in but they realised I'd been out all night. I thought I was in for a rollicking but they were as nice as pie and just said next time tells us you won't be home and I did. In fact, I used to go out from Friday night and come home on Sunday evening.

NKF · 02/05/2007 16:21

She's too old to be an au pair really. She probably doesn't want to live in someone else's house and adapt to someone else's environment. And if I was paying for childcare, I'd hate to have to re-arrange because someone couldn't get their act together to get home on time. Is that what happened. Personally if the new person could start, I'd let her go. What's the point in dragging it out?

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:19

When I was living at home at the age of 28, I also used to let my parents know if I was staying out because I considered it a courtesy and wouldn't want them to worry about me if I didn't come home, but I guess that is different families with different approaches.

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Aloha · 02/05/2007 16:19

V amusing to think that you are in loco parentis to a 27 year old. And also that your adult daughter would never lie to you if you tried make her ask permission to stay out at night.

Original poster
Mumpbump · 02/05/2007 16:18

She doesn't have to make up time at a weekend. We asked her twice to make up days of 5 hours at the weekend and both times she turned up late and only worked for an hour or two - disappeared off to the pub with her boyfriend whilst ds was having a nap and told us to call her when he was awake. So we have asked her to count some of her basic time that she has off towards when she looks after ds on Monday instead. Bearing in mind that the reality is she only does 15 hours a week in addition to the Mondays (for which she gets extra pay), I don't see why she should work even less and not have to make up the time.

From my point of view, if you are (albeit informally) contracted to work certain hours a week for which you get paid and you are asked to make them up in time when you would normally be working (so, I guess you lose some money in that you are not then working as many ADDITIONAL hours), I don't think there is anything wrong in being asked to make up the time. It's not like we dock her allowance because she doesn't work the contractual 25 hours a week...

OP posts:
CristinaTheAstonishing · 02/05/2007 16:11

"The issue is the Nanny/Au-Pair telling a lie not whether or not she stayed out!" I think most people have agreed lying is bad but understandable given the over-controlling situation she found herself in. Something like that.

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:10

Oh the joys of work and being able to mumsnet all day - I do miss it!

soak · 02/05/2007 16:08

makes a change!!! normally I spend so long typing that everyone has put what I wanted to!!! - not that I am a slow typist, its that I am meant to be working so have to keep minimising MN screen when the office door opens!!!

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 16:06

I have a feeling some haven't read the whole thread!

The issue is the Nanny/Au-Pair telling a lie not whether or not she stayed out!

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:04

You beat me to it Soak!!

MrsRecycle · 02/05/2007 16:00

Gosh I do the school run (walking before anyone jumps down my throat ) and I come back to a full blown argument.

An Au Pair is NOT an employee. They do not get paid - they get pocket money, they live with you and are part of your family. You are not their boss. What you have to do see it from the point of view as if you were her surrogate mother - would you put up with your 27 year old daughter lying? I know I wouldn't put up with my 9 year old doing so. But other mothers would and would see it as part of the make-up of a young woman. So everyone is different and we all expect different things from our family in the way that we bring our children up. Life would be so boring if we didn't

ScottishThistle · 02/05/2007 15:59

Eleusis, Perhaps she is right to feel slightly annoyed re the white lie but the white lie wouldn't have been told if the Nanny didn't feel uncomfortable with the set up!

My Employers trust me 100% & know I won't be bringing home any old Tom, Dick or Harry!...They don't know all of my Friends/Family seen as they live 100's of miles away, not really possible to meet people beforehand.

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