How would you handle this situation?

I hope it was more successful for you all yesterday

from interest how old is your Mil? Childcare is exhausting as you get older. I see many grandparents who love having their grandchildren and want to help but are physically exhausted and struggle with their grandchildren resorting to anything for a quiet life. The children can run rings around some of them.

Op something you've not mentioned is the relationship bw your mil and DD. Does your DD look forward to and enjoy her afternoon with granny? Does your mil enjoy it too or look exhausted and relieved when you come home? If so then yes it may be too much for her.

My PILs looked after my DD once a week, lots of things annoyed me, mostly that they would never put her down for a nap (which was usually 2hrs) so I would always pick up an exhausted cranky toddler that would be a nightmare to then feed dinner to and settle.

There are a lot of other examples I could give but...she adored them, they did lots of fun filled and educational activities, played lots of imaginative games I would never have thought of etc, so as it was only one day a week I left them to it with trying to sound casual suggestions, 'if you put a DVD on after lunch she'll probably fall asleep and give you a break for an hour or so...'

Make lunch simple and a pre prepared, if it needs to be reheated leave a note with exactly how much time. Take your mil to
Morrisons for lunch and show her how easy it is and how much your DD enjoys it, suggesting they could go together after nursery.

Some people on here are nuts!

Of course the OP expects any child carer to sort out something to eat for a little child. If her MIL didn't know how to cook pasta pesto then she could have cooked egg on toast or something easy. And for the poster who says the MIL is making memories (awful phrase) - the child's memory of her grandmother is that she's always hungry when she's with her.

Maybe accept that is is a hassle, it is extra work for you, yes you never wanted it in the first place, BUT -

There is a massive value in your daughter having an independent relationship with her Grandma. It will develop her and round her. She will remember, or if she doesn't, she can be told, that her grandma chose to spend hours with her every week because she loved her and wanted to be with her. That is so valuable for her self esteem and identity growing up.

A friend once was talking about her very challenging MIL, I asked how she could bear to be around her. She said 'the more people who love my daughter the better'. I think that is an excellent philosophy (unless they are abusive etc). So you don't have to like it, but maybe support it for your daughters benefit?

I think you are getting a rough ride OP.
I don't know how a perfectly capable adult cannot feed and mind a child for a few hours. It's ludicrous, especially seeing as she offered.
Grit your teeth, make up a sandwich and stick it in the fridge even if you have to do it the night before. At least you know the wee one will have had something.
As for the park/activities- let her choose what she wants to do. Your child will soon tell her granny if she's bored!
But I don't think you sound awful or ungrateful, just frustrated.

What kind of container? If it's a lock-n-lock type will.she be able to claim to have been unable to open it? A plate with some clingfilm over might be safer.

If that's your attitude I'm not surprised she's failing to meet your expectations. I hope you're not quite so rude when you actually talk to her.

You're already expecting her to fail. Poor form OP!

I think you are getting slated unfairly! Come on - she gave the child a creme caramel for lunch!! She is not putting her heart and soul into it!!

Maybe you MIL is finding looking after a 3 year old harder than she remembered and is feeling overwhelmed with the whole thing. Add in your demands for pesto pasta and the house to be clean she's maybe scared about doing something wrong.

I would see a not taking a trip to the park as a bug bearer.

Not everyone is comfortable is someone else's house.

Maybe it's time to pay for childcare going forward.

Oh dear sounds really stressful! I think pack lunch is a good option as maybe she's just not coping with cooking and looking after the little one even if it is a simple dish like pesto and pasta. It can be hard work when the little one doesn't want you to leave them or follows you in to the kitchen.

Could it be that she doesn't know how to make that sort of food? What about asking her to do something like scrambled egg on toast which she is familiar with?

I would give it another month and I would do a pack lunch each time - sandwich, yoghurt, fruit and give her another chance.

Leave a sandwich, a kids microwave meal or money for the morrison’s cafe. I cba to cook pesto etc at lunch time. Maybe she finds it difficult to boil water and keep an eye on your dd? When we had Ds1’s home recently (totally different situation) we felt it wasn’t safe to use the stove around him so everything went in the oven or microwave. It may have been safe but we didn’t feel it was. Pesto is also very much of a certain generation - I don’t think I had it until I went to university.

You sound highly strung - toys on the floor is surely a good thing? If you can’t cope with the number put out a rotating smaller toy box for MIL to use.

You also won’t get to dictate to a childminder - they’re self employed -you only really get control over a nanny.

Fecking bold fail!

Shouldn't accept it i mean.

I have to say i wouldnt be happy if someone had insisted they could look after my child and give them a meal mid day then didnt but left the place in chaos and child starving.

I think a cm is the way to go its not fair that because mil doesnt eat that your child goes hungry.

Just because mil is doing it for free op should accept mess for no reason and her dd not having anything to eat between snack at nursery and late afternoon.

but i wouldnt gave a clue about pesto pasta either we all hate pesto in our house

You sound very demanding and I am glad you are not my DIL.

If the lunch is an issue, then just leave a prepared packed lunch - no problem there.

If you don't like your child playing with toys and spreading them about then that is just tough.

You have a list of things she does NOT do - how about looking at what she DOES do?

I look after two of my GC regularly and my DDs have NEVER once complained about it in any way - they know I will stick by their important rules, but also accept that things will inevitably be done a bit differently when they are with us.

You need to loosen up and cut this poor woman a bit of slack. Just be grateful - and try showing it. You do not know how lucky you are.

I think it's lovely for a young child to get a set time every week with grandma.

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone who doesn't even eat lunch themselves to do a cooked lunch. You can and should leave something pre-prepared that doesn't need heating or finding - just all ready on a plate in the fridge so that she just needs to take it out and put it on the table.

I often agree with the "pay for childcare instead" side on these threads when the grandma in question is being an actual nightmare but this grandma sounds lovely if a bit on the scatter brain side, and I think it would be a big shame to deny your child precious time with grandma just because of your expectations for cooking of lunch and tidying up which are not reasonable.

The advice might seem overwhelming but it seems to be coming from posters who are determined to not really read what the OP is saying

'She's doing you a favour' ... no, she insisted

'You sound like a nightmare' ... no, OP just wants her kid to be fed properly (not a dessert but proper food, at a decent time for eating ie not when child is starving) and the house not to be an utter tip (child should be encouraged to help tidy, OP isn't expecting MIL to scrub top to bottom)

OP, this isn't working and you have my sympathies. Been there myself with ILs. Break (or have DH break) the news gently as she might lose her shit, she sounds a bit oblivious and probably won't take the perceived slight well.

Good luck

The advice on here is overwhelming but you're not listening. It sounds like you never wanted this arrangement and you're determined not to make it work. You MIL must feel like she's treading on eggshells.

I think you need to step back with most thinking its you being unreasonable perhaps its time to review your own stance....its one day not 5 does it matter if she has a sandwich one day? Her granny may not be around in years to come so this is time to make memories.
The lady is retired (she may now be struggling physically or mentally)
To expect a house that is not messy with any 3 year old is unrealistic children make mess they tip toys out not everyone has the same attitude to toys its one day let it go.

My dad has my DD for me one evening a week. The house is always pretty messy. He makes her toast and jam every single week (and usually brings chocolate for her too). He would never dream of cooking pesto pasta if I'm honest. Doubt he even knows what pesto is (though he would reheat stuff I left for him, but she has her proper meal at nursery so I'm not fussed).

I am sooooo grateful and love him so much for what he does for us. And my DD adores him too. I don't give a shit what the house looks like or what she eats during the one night a week he has her. He's the best grandad and I'm so glad my DD has him in her life regularly.

So much so that I'm considering paying him to have her every afternoon next year whilst I'm at work, so he can retire from his v manual job and she doesn't have to spend all her time in nursery; she can spend it with her best mate instead.

Relax a little bit

Op you are getting slated but actually I think you have a little point. It's not hard to follow the instructions on a bag of fresh pasta or jar of pesto.

Likewise there is no need to completely destroy someone's kitchen making a sandwich. What you are asking for is not that hard and I would feel similar to you about my mil I suspect and in my opinion it's fine to be pissed off internally. It's what you say and how you act that matters though.

You have been really rude about her and I suspect that is what has got people's backs up. Free grandparent childcare is always a sore point. For what it's worth my mum used to look after my daughter 1 day a week until she was 2.5. She was in her 70's. I never set out stuff for lunch. Generally there would be stuff in the fridge but she would also often turn up with the sort of stuff she liked (Asda cooked chicken and loads of bread mainly!).

Whilst there she would take my daughter to playgroup in the buggy, get my daughter to nap on the sofa (I never was able to do that!) feed her, taught her letters, taught her to begin to write her name and generally hung out with her. She was the one that had my daughter sitting on a potty at 18 months which meant by the time she turned 2 she was firmly in pants. She also used to do my washing, clean the kitchen and generally help out.

But my mum was extraordinary. And wanted to do all those things. She wanted to have my daughter every day I worked but I felt that would be too much for her given her age. Not every grandmother is able to be like that or wants to be like that. My mum has dementia now and sometimes doesn't even know who her granddaughter is.

My mil is firmly in the fun stuff only category. And I have come to realise that is fine too - although it pisses me off that she can't put her cup in the dishwasher!

You can't make people do things your way, even in your own home. In your situation I would deffo be making up a packed lunch for your little girl and leaving it in the fridge. I would probably buy a little lunch box for it to go in so that it is exciting for your daughter. Try not to get eaten up by the small stuff and try and focus on the fact she has regular one on one time with your dd. I would give anything for that now.