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Original poster

FOR CHILDMINDERS & ANYONE WHO USES THEM ~ A QUESTION

29 replies

Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 21:36

Hi everyone.

I hope you don't mind me asking this here. I am a regular but feel uncomfortable to post under my usual posting name as I am regularily praising my fabulous childminder.

But something has started to happen that makes me feel quite strange.

I know she is fond of ds. He is 2 now and she has been his carer from he was 6 months old. First she had him 3 days a week, just a few hours. The she started saying it would suit better if I left him up first thing in morn and picked him up at 5pm again, this way it suited her routine with the other mindees.

Lately I have noticed that she takes ds from me. When I pick him up in the evening he will run to me, she will scoop him out of my arms again Last week her son toppled ds over as I was getting ready to go home [picking up ds bag etc] so I walked over, lifted ds and tried to comfort him, he was bawling. She came over, tugged him out my arms and took him to the other side of the kitchen. I filled with tears and tried not to let her see it hurt me as much as it actually did.

Then she started saying it's ok baby, I love you. She has started this in the last few months I have noticed. Telling him she loves him [fwiw I can and do understand that a childminder forms an attachment and a bond with a child, it's perfectly natural and I would much rather have this than her being cruel to ds] But it just sort of makes me sad, if that is even the right word at all.

She had last week off as dh and I were off work also, and she text me saying she was "missing my baby". And today when I dropped ds off she came running out and scooped him up and said "hello my baby, are you glad to be back? did you miss me? Has your mum been good to you?"

I seriously doubt myself as a parent next to her. This is just lately. It might just be me though, and she is really really nice. I think she is a god send in loads of other ways, but this "my baby" thing pisses me off big style.

How would you, as childminders, deal with this? do you tell your mindess you love them> Do you take them from their parent when they are in pain?

How would you, as parents, deal with a childminder who was perfect and fitted your needs, except for this possessiveness with your child?

ds is not an only child. My older child is at school and does not attend a childminder.

Please advise me, I am feeling really resentful as all these little things built up today when she said "has your mummy been good to you".

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maximummummy · 17/04/2007 22:07

that sounded horrible like i'm desperate for them to leave

maximummummy · 17/04/2007 22:05

sorry love i think your childminder is a MENTALIST and i'd be highly pissed off if someone undermined my parenting in this way. As a childminder myself (only for a year) i'd never behave in this way and as fond of my mindees as i am I AM NOT THEIR MUMMY and i don't wanna be!!!!! If they're gonna hurt themselves it always seems to be when their mummys arrive and i always step down from duty when parents arrive usually trying to usher them from the building!!!!

PinkChick · 17/04/2007 13:51

m so very concious of chlid protection that my first minde(still with me), i havent 'really' formed a bond with her because i dint feel right doing certain things with a child i didnt know(cuddling, kissing on forhead etc)..hasnt harmed her tho as she reg tells me she loves me, but again i dont know if to say thankyou, or i love you too???????????..i imagine this cm has a strong bond with your son, but is behaving in a concerning way, as a parent i would be very uneasy.
my mindees calls me aunty joe, which is fine as its not taking anything away from mum and if i have a lo in my arms as i greet parent i pass them over more or less straight away(once n the door).

you just need to say to her that when(use instances) she takes YOUR ds from YOUR arms when you are comforting him, it undermines you as his mummy and although you are happy she cares for him so much, some of her actions(names she calls him) dont really sound appropriate for his childminder to use..if it was me id be mortified and apologise for overstepping mark, but this one sounds a bit strange?

charmedhay · 17/04/2007 11:47

Hi asi was reading up the posts i was thinking the same as soak "the hand that rocks the cradle" i'm a CM and if a mindee hurt themselves when parent was there i would actually stand back so mum or dad could comfort them. Its nice that you know you child is loved but i agree with all the others she is undermining you as the parent its her "job" to care for your child not try to take your place.It sounds like she is trying to big herself up!! As a mum i would love to scream at her "MY KID NOT YOURS " but i'm not that brave so i don't really know what i would do!! Sorry i'm not anymore help but as you can see from all the responces YOU are right to be concerned

Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 17/04/2007 09:32

Oh Sammac, if anyone, childminder or not, told my children they were their other mother, there would be strong words believe me!!

When I dropped ds off today she came out to the car and took him in, he looked happy, so did she.

If I don't have time this evening, I will call her tomorrow or Thursday, after the working week.

I know she loves ds, and is worried that she will lose him when he starts play group and school, of course she will, as I need someone who can care for both my children nearer their school.

OP posts:
soak · 17/04/2007 09:10

how dare she!!! I keep having 'the hand that rocks the cradle' flash through my head.

this woman sounds a little bit tapped to me.

it sounds as if she has an 'unhealthy interest' in your son and the other mindees...

sammac · 16/04/2007 22:24

I know exactly how you feel- when dd was younger she went to a cm who was so lovely APART from the fact that she used to tell dd that she was her other mother Dd was about 4 at this stage and had told me this and I was so at it. Dh and i sat down and explained to her that it was her job to look after her and that we paid her. But I didn't have the guts to say anything to the cm. She continued being dd's cm until she was 8 and then got a different job. If I remember rightly dd wasn't put out by this at all but was aware that she was doing a job as I was.

We all still see her- her dd is best friend with dd still, and I know that she was trying to be friendly but I felt so insulted by it and obviosly have a vivd memory of it now 9 years later!

Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 22:22

Yes, because she is a great childminder!

But, I am going to bite the bullet and say something very soon.

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LoveMyGirls · 16/04/2007 22:20

thats a shame!

Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 22:16

LoveMyGirls, my sister is 40 miles away in another town

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Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 22:16

She used to mind 3 sisters. But they moved house. Still within distance to her, but the mum found a new minder. she is very good friends with most of the exmindees and their parents.

I do think I will say something though. Drop offs and pick ups are very short. I am usually in a rush home to make dinner.

She is very kind to all her mindees. She has 4 of her own children also. None have left home, all are primary school age

If you have read all the posts I have written, praising her, saying what little things that make a big difference, you would wonder why this is annoying me now. Actually it made dh a bit angry when I told him she took him from me when he was hurt. I was kissing his head, she took him and said she would give him a sweety.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 16/04/2007 22:15

I'm also wondering why you're sister doesnt look after your son tbh?

lunavix · 16/04/2007 22:15

I can only agree with what others have said.

She does seem to have an unhealthy attachment to your ds. You need to sit down and discuss it. It would break my heart if he were mine and she was doing this.

As a CM, I don't tell mindees I love them. I only kiss them goodbye if they come to me for one first, but we do have lots of hugs and affection in other ways. But they aren't my babies, they are their parents'. It would be disrespectful to say or act otherwise.

blodwen · 16/04/2007 22:13

Do you have to pay for these extra hours you didn't ask for, to fit in with her routine? I would also think about cutting hours down again.

blodwen · 16/04/2007 22:10

As a cm, I also think her obsession with your ds is very strange and unhealthy . I too would NEVER take an upset child from a parent, (except if the parent is trying to leave for work!). Sometimes my mindees give me a hug and tell me they love me (mainly one six year old says this) and I tell her I love her too, but I would never initiate this myself (the love bit, not the hug!). Calling your ds 'my baby' is totally out of order imo. What is she like with her other mindees?

LoveMyGirls · 16/04/2007 22:09

what about

i think its great you have such a good relationship with my son but id really appreciate it if when i'm around you respect me as his mother and let me comfort him and give him the attention he needs. Make pick up times short, ask if she can have him ready for when you get there.

Has she got her own kids? Has one just left home? just trying to think of a reason she might be being a bit clingy with her mindee's?

Have you thought about cutting his hours? (bugger her routine sounds like bullshit to me anyway to be quite frank) We all have routines but i have times of day which are best to pick up drop off, i'd love all my mindees to be full time but in this job you can't choose to do that. Its the parents choice as to what hours the child does in the end, if you can't accomdate that then you lose out on having the child imo.

princesscc · 16/04/2007 22:05

That's pretty odd. I love my 'spare' babies to bits and I tell them, but only in the context of being their cm. I just would not cross my mind to put mummy anywhere other than first! Sounds like shes getting too attached. I speak to my parents during work hours only, unless of course they need me for anything child related. I have a fantastic relationship with all my parents, but its only a work relationship at the end of the day. I would never call or txt out of hours to say I missed the child. (I might text if I knew the child had been ill)

Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 22:03

Looney, she minds 3 other little lads. They are a little bit older than ds. I have heard her kissing one of them goodbye and telling him she loves him too, his mum looked as stony faced as me, because I deliberately looked at her when cm was saying goodbye.

It's difficult for me. She says other people have asked her why mums feel the need to go out to work, surely being a mum is enough and very important. She says that's why she decided to become a cm so she's at home when her kids get in from school. Of course she tells me this, as if she has had a conversation with someone else, when I know it is really her way of telling me that my job isn't important. That I put my job before my kids. which isn't true at all.

OP posts:
ThePrisoner · 16/04/2007 22:02

How about, "I'm not happy that you totally undermine me as a mother" ??

Original poster
Jealousyisgreen · 16/04/2007 21:59

I thought I was maybe being a bit of a jealous arse.

The Prisoner, I would not have minded in the least if ds had ran to her when hurt, but she took him out of my arms when I was kissing his hurts away.

Today he was outside playing when I arrived to pick him up. He saw me at the gate and came running yelling "mummy, my mummy!" She stepped up to the gate and put her arms out saying "Oi you, come and give me a hug before you have to go and leave me, love you" I could feel myself getting angry.

Then I called my sister who also childminds and she said it was totally out of order for her to take him from me when crying. She came to his birthday party a while back, and he was in his seat as he was exhausted. She let him out fis seat and said to my sister "these mummy's who think their kids should be tied up all the time" At the time she didn't realise it was my sister she was talking to.

The more I write the more I realise there are a lot of little things that have been building for a while. Then I think of ds welfare, and he is so happy there. He is crazy about cm and her other mindees. He is for playgroup in September and I have all summer off, so just a few more weeks to go.

But I do think I need to chat to her. So difficult to know what to say, how do I put it into words, "I think you are too kind and lovely to my son" How stupid do I sound??

OP posts:
looneytune · 16/04/2007 21:59

Well it is spooky isn't it I got shivers down my spine reading the OP.

ThePrisoner · 16/04/2007 21:58

I love looney's words "got a weird attachment to your ds" - I think that says everything anyone needs to say.

looneytune · 16/04/2007 21:56

TP has said everything I was going to say so I'll just say (as a childminder myself) that I feel very and on your behalf!

I think she's got a weird attachment to your ds, I really think something needs to be said. It would break my heart to be in your situation

bigshopper · 16/04/2007 21:55

"has your mummy been good to you?" is an appalling thing to say to a mindee. You should definitely have a serious discussion with her away from the children. Sounds very spooky to me.

ThePrisoner · 16/04/2007 21:50

I think that it sounds awful, and I feel really angry and upset on your behalf.

I wouldn't dream of taking a child from the mum to comfort them, not in a million years. I find it really awkward if a child sometimes does come to me for that in front of a parent, and make every effort to pass the child back (and make some excuse about getting shoes/coat/bag ready).

I care very deeply about many of my minded children, particularly if I've had them since they were babies. The relationship your minder has with your son is, in my opinion, not healthy - yes, it's great she cares about him, but she should never ever put you or your own relationship with your son down.

The more I read what you have written, the more and I feel (I need to say it again).

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