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Original poster

How do you feel about relatives collecting?

31 replies

Doglikeafox · 14/09/2017 16:12

I'd love some opinions from other childminders, and maybe parents on this please. Yesterday a child was due to be collected at 6:00pm. All of my other mindees went home at 5:00pm so it was just me and her. At 5:15pm the mindee's mum rang and asked if it was okay if the child's grandma came to pick the child up instead of her. I said of course, that was fine. I have met the grandma before ( a while ago) but the mindee is old enough to recognise whoever is at the door anyway.
It might also be worth noting that this child has recently expressed quite a bit of anxiety over who is going to collect her at home time. She is fine once I can assure her who is coming, but if I am ambigous (often I don't know if its mum or dad until they get here) she can get quite anxious.
Anyway, 5 minutes later grandma arrives. 40 minutes before child is due to be collected. I opened the door a tad surprised, but said it was fine (It was) and apologised that the child hadn't had their dinner yet and I'd just get her coat. Grandma says 'oh please could she have her dinner here then?' so, again a bit surprised, I said yes but that it wasn't ready yet. I invited her in and her (teenage) granddaughter who was also with her. After 10 mins of awkward convo dinner was ready, I served it up, child ate it (another 10 mins or so) and then I said goodbye and they left. DP and my tea was ready at the same time but I didn't feel like I could eat with them there so our dinner went cold.
As soon as they left the house I felt like my home had been invaded. I feel like the children and parents that come into my home quickly become friends, but this was a lady (and child) I barely know and I wasn't actually prepared for guests. The dining room is at the back of my house so they had to walk all the way through to it, which is an area I don't usually have parents never mind about unknown relatives. My washing was out, I hadn't tidied up from arts and crafts this afternoon etc and I just felt uncomfortable with the whole situation. I think it's already difficult to feel at home in a house primarily used for work and things like this make it even more difficult. This is my home and I don't want strangers traipsing through, commenting on my setting.
Am I being really unreasonable? I know there's not really anything I could do differently next time but I'm still thinking about the situation now.

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Willow2017 · 03/10/2017 22:49

I think half an hour to eat tea is plenty.

The cm isnt going to be tidying up until the child goes home so thats not going to have any bearing on the minded child eating. (some tidying up will be done with the kids before tea)

If the gm and her gd were not there the whole family would have sat down to tea with the minded child, as it was they didnt want to be watched while eating so everyones tea was late except the minded child.

jannier · 02/10/2017 17:58

School children are used to having half an hour to eat often less at school (ours is 20 mins) the cm will tidy up after, we pretty often are still working tidying and doing paperwork until 7 or 8, but generally most tidy toys away before tea and then have story and quiet time like drawing when they finish.

Older children generally eat later the old idea of tea at 4 really doesn't suit many school children as a last meal in my experience and its much better to eat as a family and share the day so when many children leave at 5 to 5.30 no reason why they wouldn't have dinner at home (slow cookers and batch cooking is great for this).

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/10/2017 13:07

Guess depends on the child and what they are used to

I've fed as a nanny tea at 430 and sometimes may have snack of fruit /rice cake at 6/7

Others nothing and my friends children eat at 630 but another friends child bang on the dot of 4pm

I just meant if mindee was leaving at 6 usually then tea at 530 seems late as they may have to rush it then cm tidy up

DressedCrab · 02/10/2017 09:28

If it happens again tell her to come back in half an hour if she wants the child to eat first.

jannier · 02/10/2017 09:21

I wouldn't feed tea to a child before 5.30 as no way would they last until the morning and parents would need to feed again. I also think family should eat together so if possible should go home. This g ame 40 minutes early.

Willow2017 · 01/10/2017 17:34

Gm had teenager with them so presumably she was going to feed her.
She arrived 40 minutes early. Dinner was nearly ready so it's not like op was shovelling food down the child 10 minutes before pick up time. Many minded kids eat with the family but it isn't a spectator sport for random relatives.

Gm should have either taken child or came back at proper time.

Next time op make it clear you are just about to sit down with your family for tea and they can come back later.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/09/2017 22:45

Grandma prob assumed her gc would have had tea and just picking up to help her son/daughter

So wouldn't have anything prepared for her to eat

530 seems late for a child to eat if picked up at 6

Would you usually eat tea with mindees and dp?

I would have either said come back in 20/30min if you want child to have eaten

Or

Shown them living room /sofa

stressedbeyond123 · 20/09/2017 14:04

strawberry - i wasn't invited in by DD. when the time came to collect she asked CM if i could come in and watch her do something that she had learnt that day, CM was more than happy with this and led me through to the garden.

The point being, DD asked if it was ok, not just assumed and that gave CM the opportunity to say no if she needed to

Chickenagain · 20/09/2017 14:03

How about 'Not today....' with a smile Grin

strawberrygate · 20/09/2017 13:48

personally, there's no way on earth I'd have invited them in while she ate. I'd have put shoes and coat on the child, waved good bye and said a cheery " oh, by the way, she's not eaten dinner yet; see you tomorrow".
then gone inside.

Other child, when she invites a parent in I'd say another cheery " oh no, we're all a bit busy for that aren't we; bye bye, see you tomorrow"

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 19/09/2017 16:12

Thanks stressed, that's useful to know. I am normally very welcoming with the parents and they do come into the dining room to see crafts, garden when we are eating outside and lounge when we are reading stories etc. It is always at my invitation and since I know the parents so well I don't mind at all. This felt very different though.
I have one child in particular who does always invite her mum to other parts of my house (come see the soap in dog's bathroom mum, come see the chairs in the dining room etc) and that I do find intrusive. I have spoken to the child in question and asked that she doesn't invite people into someone else's house as it isn't very polite (child is 6) but she continued to do so. I said in front of mum the next time 'oh remember X, it isn't very polite to invite people into other people's homes without asking is it' but I felt like a bitch and mum was obviously taken aback. Sad I do understand it sounds a bit off, but at the same time if I had wanted her walking around the house I would have invited her and I normally have other children to look after in other rooms.

OP posts:
bigballsofevil · 19/09/2017 13:29

I would have come back later if I was grandma!

stressedbeyond123 · 19/09/2017 13:24

Speaking as a parent...
my DD has been with CM for coming up to 6 years - apart from the time i first met her and i went to her home to get to know her etc, the furthest i have been is her hallway, and that's when DD is putting on shoes etc.

There was one occasion when DD wanted me to see her do something out the garden, and CM walked me through the house to get to the garden.

I would never take it as a given that i could just walk through the house when waiting, although i have become good friends with CM over the years, there is still that slight business relationship if that makes sense x

Melabela10 · 18/09/2017 20:40

It's a bit odd to stay there and wait for child to eat however if it's one off I would let it off: They don't come come and sit around there every day.

Your home is a work place where children stay and assuming that children go all over the place in the house the whole space should be organised as a work place and you should be comfortable with parents walking in at anytime.

Borntoflyinfirst · 15/09/2017 14:30

I used to be a childminder and I would use the word 'invasive' to describe this situation. Childminding IS invasive to your home and family even at the most normal of times. This is plain weird. Why on earth would gm suppose she could just come in and wait? Come early and take the child as is or arrive at the right time. I say this as childminder AND parent. Surely she wouldn't have expected to be there had you had other mindees still there?!

ourkidmolly · 15/09/2017 13:30

I think it's strange but some people are just very nosy and have no idea about social graces etc.

Original poster
Doglikeafox · 15/09/2017 13:22

And I was expecting her... in 40 minutes time. So not really expected when she arrived

OP posts:
Original poster
Doglikeafox · 15/09/2017 13:22

She was a random person to me though. Everyone is someone's grandma. I allowed her in to the home because I know OF her, but to me she wasn't anyone familiar.
I also don't think you can compare this to being a nanny and welcoming people in. Nanny's work in someone else home so it isn't really a reflection on you, or your private space.

OP posts:
Yukbuck · 15/09/2017 13:16

I understand that. But she was expecting her. The mum rang her to let her know. What I mean Is, it's a bit different to letting a random person in your home. It's the child's grandma !!!

Snap8TheCat · 15/09/2017 12:44

She knows it's not a stranger to the child but it is to her and that's what she's taking about. Having someone you've never met come in to your home and personal space that you're not expecting.

And as a nanny It's not your home that you're welcoming them in to though is it?

Yukbuck · 15/09/2017 12:41

I find it odd that you are calling the grandma a stranger. I mean yes, you don't know her. But she is not a stranger to the child.
I'm a nanny and every now and then a relative I've never met will come over and I welcome them in with open arms.
Okay maybe she should have waited in the car or something but I guess she thought her GD would have already. Most young kids I know eat before 5.

SayNoToCarrots · 14/09/2017 20:27

bold fail

SayNoToCarrots · 14/09/2017 20:27

I have used childminders and I would feel uncomfortable doing as the GM and GD did as I would feel like I was invading your space.

if there was anything in their home I felt they weren't comfortable with me seeing I would remove my DD from the setting

Ridiculous, OP was uncomfortable with them seeing her knickers, ffs, not a bloody knife.

Snap8TheCat · 14/09/2017 20:12

'The setting' is how you describe where your Dd goes each day but it is first and foremost the CMs home. Please remember that when one expresses how they feel about strangers entering that space.

I sympathise OP.

GodIsDead · 14/09/2017 20:05

*Invasion is strong language
*
Errrr what? Absolutely absurd! No it's not.

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