Can you help me reframe my approach to my nanny or find another childcare option?

So you don't think that it's ok to cook something earlier in the day and then reheat it at 5? I think that's just good time management. I'd never get a dinner on the table if I was trying to cook from scratch later in the day. It's always meltdown central here at 5pm.

I think the drop offs and the extra curricular are two major things. Bringing children to activities is one of the major benefits of having a nanny I would have thought.

I totally agree with the others on the cleaning. I interviewed a good few nannies in my childcare search. None of them did anything more than cleaning up after the day. I don't do major cleaning jobs during the day with my kids either - I use nap time to clean the mess and cook. I haven't heard of anyone doing the shopping either. I wouldn't expect that.

I'm quite surprised if she is a trained nanny she can't handle the work load of three children, two not being around during the day. But and that's a big but she's a nanny not a cleaner. I think you need to sit down and talk through the points. If things don't improve then yes it would be time to move on and find someone else, maybe someone who's used to working with large families. And to remember that if you want cleaning done, don't expect most professional nannies to take on that role.

We have a nanny & have had a couple of phases like this. I do think you are expecting too much of her though. Take it right back to basics; i would ask her to just care for the children & feed them, anything else she manages is a bonus. Our nanny will hang out washing & wash up after herself. I don't ask her to do anything else. I think it is reasonable for your nanny to do drop offs & collections while she is working, but she may need some help to come up with solutions; a backpack carrier for the baby or a double buggy-could be something that simple.

Where there issues when DC2 arrived. From what you have put I think they started with you when you were pregnant with DC2, so they have done babycare before.

You need to formally tackle the performance issues. You will eventually dismiss her for failing to do the assigned work to the required standard, so you must follow formal disciplinary procedures.

I can't see why the school run is a problem. That is normal part of the nanny role - timings are often tight and there may be occasions when a child arrives late due to heavy traffic on the route, but not due to inability to get all the children out of the house. Are they starting work an hour or so before needing to leave on the school run?

I think she feels overloaded and is unhappy. You need to talk.
I am not saying you're in the wrong. Not at all. But she sounds overloaded.

Also, playdates should be on your watch, not hers. It's not her job to look after more than 3 kids (your kids!). That's taking the piss out of her. Be mindful of this.

Why does she find it hard, how old is she?

What have you done so far in terms of managing her performance at work? What is in her contract/job description regarding duties?

She's trained?? Why can't she cope then? I've looked after sibling groups of 3 and frequently done playdates - it's what you do when you're a nanny! Why are you letting her dictate to you? My boss would take one hell of a dim view if I started refusing to go to certain supermarkets, or not doing the school run - it's a major part of the job!
Look, I can see you feel a loyalty to her, but she's taking the piss. Not cooking for the kids - WTF? If she honestly can't cope with 3 then she needs to admit that and resign so you can get someone competent instead. Don't let her walk all over you - you're the one paying for this, (and I speak as a nanny of 24 years, and also a parent who has employed a CM, so I can see both sides).

So is she not a trained nanny? She was your cleaner and then sort of morphed into the nanny? It sounds like she's struggling to cope to be honest.

It sounds more and more like the relationship may have run its course - she doesn't sound like she's enjoying it at all (however much she might care about the children) and you're picking up the pieces.

I do all drop offs in the morning now as it seems too much to ask. - so to reply to the message earlier - i have arranged to work late so I can do the preschool/school drop offs and then take the baby home and then walk back past the school to work.

Wow now see I would get rid on that alone. If you can do it why can't she ?

I agree with you in many points. However, your nanny is a nanny not a cleaner. If you think she'd be offended by you getting a cleaner then get the cleaner to come on a day she isn't there.
The cooking thing I agree with. She should be doing that. But you could just make a meal plan (maybe with her?!) Or get her to do a meal plan. Or get your eldest to help you so it's an exciting new thing or something.
The car thing is not on. But the water thing... how do you actually know?! I'm constantly washing up throughout the day and make sure everything is tidy for parents returning. So she could have just washed it up.

The swimming thing I agree with you.
I'd be mortified to know my bosses were annoyed at me washing up!! I prefer doing it to using dishwasher in case I need something throughout the day. Plus it's better for the environment.
Lastly, the play date thing I'm on the fence. I'm happy for play dates but she might find 3 kids is her limit. You only work 3 days a week so you have time in the week to do play dates. But I don't think there's anything wrong with her taking the baby to other people's houses. So long as baby is well cared for and having age appropriate activities.

So you've gone from 2 to 3 children but you expect your nanny to do exactly the same as she's done in the past?

I think your expectations re cooking and cleaning when she has three children of 5 and under to look after are a bit unrealistic.

I do agree cleaning and shopping doesn't sound reasonable though.

Cooking for the children, school runs, swimming lessons and playdates are reasonable.

You need to start performance managing.

Have a meeting, draw her attention to her contract/job description, give her targets and a reasonable target to meet them.

If she's been with you more than 2 years you can't just sack her and get a new nanny without going through a disciplinary procedure. Better to work with her to improve performance.

Other options - if you are lucky you can find a childminder with space for all three who will do school runs to your school. Obviously that will also mean no swimming lessons or play dates though. Or childminder/after school club for the oldest and full daycare nursery for the younger two.

This is madness - you are getting none of the advantages of having a nanny, while paying the £££ for one.

Apart from the leaving baby in the car (which I think is unacceptable), this is the care you might get from a slightly tricky relative, where you keep the arrangement because they adore the children and the children adore them.

Cooking - she should follow a meal plan.
Cleaning - fair enough, she might not be able to do this if the baby is awake a lot.
Supermarket - 'refusing' to go to a nearby supermarket is not on
Swimming - managing extra-curricular activities should be one of the bonuses of having a nanny.
School run - why on earth isn't she doing either the nursery or school part? Don't tell me she is just staying home with the baby.
Playdates - hmm, with 3 kids already in the house perhaps this is something for the weekends, or when they both get a bit bigger.
Visiting other houses - no, not unless you agree
No drink - not good, although are they also drinking formula or breastmilk?

I think, have a sit down conversation and agree a plan to improve at least one of these aspects.

It is hard to tell if she used to be good, and now has got less good. Or, maybe she did all the jobs thoroughly when she only had one to look after. Perhaps she is simply overwhelmed and rushed off her feet with 3.

I agree with stullnotjustamummy about the workload though. You can't expect her to do all the things she used to do with an increased workload (i.e., more children). Have her do things related to the dc only, and see if she can manage that. Draft in other help to clean the house and iron, if you can.

But the key thing to me is, you must trust her. If you think she is starting to do things that worry you (no drink on a hot day, child left in car, etc), then you really must speak to her immediately.

I think it sounds like you're asking an awful lot of your nanny. My understanding is that a nanny is there to look after the children, not to do general housework and cooking.
Having said that, I would be concerned about the car incident, the drink in hot weather and I would expect occasional playdates to be ok.
Maybe explain that you feel maybe too much has been expected of her so you are removing some responsibilities (cleaning/ cooking etc) so that all her focus can be on the children.

Why would she cook for you and clean for you? Surely her job is to tend to the childrens needs?