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Original poster

Dd au pair having childcare issues

29 replies

bevelino · 27/04/2017 21:22

Dd is an au pair in Spain and one of the children has aspergers, which the parents did not tell her about before she entered into a contract. The child has very challenging behaviour issues and shouts and hits dd daily which she finds very upsetting.

The mother finds her child a challenge to deal with and often walks out and leaves Dd to deal with all the behaviour problems for up to 6 hours at a time which Dd finds difficult to cope with. I am becoming concerned about dd's mental health and wellbeing and want her out of the situation.

Dd only has 5 more weeks of her contract and feels she should stick it out. She has made good friends with other au pairs and her Spanish is now fluent, so it has not been all bad. Any advice would be appreciated.

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AnneofGreenGablesAgain · 10/05/2017 22:12

I'm so sorry your dd has found herself in this situation - it sounds very upsetting. If her mental health is at risk then protecting her has to be paramount and I can see she may have to come home. Well done her on the Spanish!

Poor child - he sounds as if he is struggling terribly and may not be getting the support he needs. And then when your dd goes he will probably really miss her.

The parents definitely shouldn't have misled applicants for the role, but I do feel compassion for them too - this is their reality every day for the foreseeable future and I wonder whether they are in some denial and close to breaking point themselves.

I appreciate your dd is young and feeling under strain, so she may not feel up to this, but if she was feeling up to it she could explain to the parents that she needs strategies to prevent the difficult behaviour and see if they have received any advice from any experts or can access any further advice. Can she ask what strategies school are employing and use those if they are working there?

For the placement to work there would need to be up front openess for her and all future au pairs so they know about the child's needs in advance and are part of a joined up plan to help him and address his behaviour and that the au pairs have strategies that work to prevent these issues.

BuckinghamLass · 27/04/2017 23:01

"It would be good for her to think about why she feels so obligated to them when they have not shown the same respect to her."

This is what I was thinking. She's obviously been brought up to work hard and keep to her word etc but she needs to realise this should not be at the expense of her mental well being. Especially if the family kept this from her, how underhand. They are clearly unwilling to pay for proper qualified help, and they know they're in the wrong otherwise they would not have resorted to this kind of deception.

Could you email her this thread? There is good advice here.

Sukitakeitoff · 27/04/2017 22:48

Please don't leave it to your dd to tell her friend - you need to speak to the friend's parents now. Tell them everything. A 17 or 18yo should not be moving abroad to that situation, even if they feel they're going in with their eyes open.

QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 22:45

I agree that a series of short term English teenagers probably isn't really the right solution for a child with his needs. His parents need to resolve this and having your DD for another few weeks won't fix things.

InfinityPlusOne · 27/04/2017 22:33

the child's fault that he cannot control his emotions and he always says sorry and begs dd for forgiveness

That's actually quite heartbreaking, I wonder is the child also not getting the help he really needs? Anyway I think your DD should tell her friend. I feel for the family but a parade of young, inexperienced au pairs is not what is needed here (I mean no disrespect to your DD but she is obviously not qualified to look after this child).

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:27

Dd will let her friend know about her experience to enable her to back out if she wants to.

The parents are not unkind to dd and she is committed to them. However, she feels guilty as she knows it is not the child's fault that he cannot control his emotions and he always says sorry and begs dd for forgiveness. This makes it difficult for her to walk away. It's only 5 more weeks so she is going to try and be strong.

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FataliePorkman · 27/04/2017 22:24

How long has been there OP? Most au pairs do 12 months so I think if this is the case for your DD then yes she should stick it out. She's done more than 80% of her time there and if she can last that long she can cope a bit longer.

However, if she has only been there for a short period then she should consider coming home.

But I do agree the other girl needs to be warned. What she chooses to do is obviously her choice but I'd feel obliged to make her aware of the situation

MadamePomfrey · 27/04/2017 22:21

Ultimately it's up to your DD if she wants to finish it out or not while I respect her for trying I do think if it's upsetting her that much she should go but all you can really do is continue to support her Sad. As for her friend definitely give her the heads up she may still be able to find another family! You can tell the company but I would guess they already know and don't care as long as they get their fee for hosting the add but I'm synical

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2017 22:20

It would be good for her to think about why she feels so obligated to them when they have not shown the same respect to her.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 27/04/2017 22:17

Get her out and let her friend know what's what.

This sort of stuff is important for how she manages future relationships and sometimes the best thing is to walk away.

Relationships are a two way thing and need to have some fairness and equality at their heart whether it's in the workplace or anywhere else. Walking away from damaging relationships takes guts and a sense of self that for many women has to be learnt because we're conditioned to put up and not make a fuss.

Sukitakeitoff · 27/04/2017 22:17

Please don't let another girl go into this situation. Being an au pair should be safe, fun and actually pretty unchallenging! Your dd doesn't have to put up with this any more, and leaving early might be the only way to make the family and agency take the problem seriously.

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:15

Dd says she would feel guilty if she left early and is determined to stick it out. I think when she leaves and has had an opportunity to reflect she might contact the parents to explain how hard it was living with them.

I am hoping she will get over the experience as she has the summer and university ahead and is excited about both.

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QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 22:12

She should let her friend know so that she has time to find an alternative job.

BernieKosar · 27/04/2017 22:09

She should definitely let her friend know.

flibflob · 27/04/2017 22:09

Definitely tell the other girl, so she has enough time to back out.

She should also definitely speak to the parents about it, but I have to confess I have no idea how I would broach it. Maybe writing them a letter and leaving it in her room when she goes? She should not leave any contact details either. I would also want her home btw.

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 22:04

Caulkhead that is precisely what I said to her. That she either speaks to the parents or just sits it out.

A friend of hers from the year below her at school is taking over the au pair role in June and I think dd should let her friend know about the situation as it has been truly challenging for Dd.

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BernieKosar · 27/04/2017 22:00

She needs to tell them she is leaving and why. Maybe offer to stay on for the rest of her contract on the understanding she is not left alone with the autistic child for more than 20 mins at a time (pre-agreed).

NataliaOsipova · 27/04/2017 22:00

If she's not going to use the family as a reference then she should leave. It would be easy enough to avoid using them for a reference as they are in another country.

Agree with this. Sounds like they haven't played straight with her from the off. Could you phone and say she's needed at home (so they can infer a family crisis or something?). Would give her an elegant exit ("really sorry, but my mum needs me" sort of thing).

CaulkheadNorth · 27/04/2017 21:57

I'm confused why she would wait until she has left before letting the parents know that it is challenging? If it's worth raising then, then surely it's worth raising now?

MrsELM21 · 27/04/2017 21:56

Sounds like she's done enough, I'd be arranging for her to come home if you can

SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2017 21:55

*I'd.

SavoyCabbage · 27/04/2017 21:54

I'll tell her to come home. She's had the experience of living abroad, her Spanish is fluent. She's done. Why should she put herself through five weeks of being in an awful situation?

QuackDuckQuack · 27/04/2017 21:48

If she's not going to use the family as a reference then she should leave. It would be easy enough to avoid using them for a reference as they are in another country.

NotSoHankyPanky · 27/04/2017 21:43

If she is that unhappy she needs to leave. Sounds like she is really being taken advantage of.

Original poster
bevelino · 27/04/2017 21:37

Dd is 18 and by the end of her contract will have been with the family for 6 months. Dd has a confirmed place at university for September.

I have booked a family holiday for June to help her get over it all.

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