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Original poster

Tried to help a mum with her head in the clouds, but it backfired

82 replies

nally · 27/02/2007 00:21

I looked after a little boy for almost 2 years, 50 hours every week. I suspected for a long time that he had speech difficulties but didn't know whether to say anything or how to say it. I ended up, last June, mentioning to his mum that some people had commented on his speech and, although I am obviously no expert, she might want to get it checked out.
At around the same time he became aggressive, which got worse very quickly. I had always thought some of his behaviour was unusual and read up on it. It looked like he was probably autistic or had asperger syndrome. I didn't want to be the bearer of more bad news.
In October he started pre-school. Within 4 weeks the staff told me that he was very violent towards the children and to them, that he could not follow instructions, he laughed when being told off, became transfixed by the strangest things and that he would have periods of having a glazed expression and not responding to anything or anyone. They decided to my relief to speak to his mum. Four days later, she removed him from pre-school and terminated the childminding contract with me.
I have not seen him since then, 2 and a half months ago. There is a legal thing going on because she owes me money, but my concern is with him.
Will she just keep hiding him away so that she doesn't have to hear the truth? Will he have to wait until he starts school for anything to happen? Will she ever realise that both myself and the pre-school staff were trying to help them both?
I feel very upset. Can anyone say anything to cheer me up?

OP posts:
smeeinit · 27/02/2007 10:56

i dont find it atall odd that you didnt chat with the mum first,as katymac says we are in a difficult position being cms and i too remember the thread bashing another cm for trying to help a parent in a similar way.
i think this little lad and his mum should be pleased that they have such a caring person whos looking out for them.
nurseryjo "If I were the parent of a child and various professionals were having conversations about my child's needs behind my back I would be most upset."
im afraid this happens every day in schools! thats life!

coppertop · 27/02/2007 10:18

How do you know that she isn't doing anything with him? If one of my boys was having the difficulties you describe in another environment then I might well decide to take them out and find something better suited to their needs. Not all pre-schools are the same. The one my ds2 attends is excellent and meets his needs well, but if it was a choice between the other local one and no pre-school at all then I would have taken him out asap.

(Both boys are autistic btw)

I agree that it seems odd that you didn't speak to the mother first.

sunnyjim · 27/02/2007 10:06

How do you know that the mum isn't doing things to help her son?

Just because she has removed him from pre school and your care doesn't mean she isn't doing other stuff with him.

TBH I'd do the same at this age if DS was suspected to have any seriuos LD. I'd spend time with him and look into alternative care /health packages that would help. I don't think she is 'hiding him away' I think maybe she just decided that maybe a bit of time not under the pressure of preschool would be helpful.

Unless you still have a close and friendly relationship with the mum(and it doesn't sound as if you do) its not really any of your business now. I know that might soudn harsh to you but if her son has been diagnosed with a LD this must be a really hard tiem for her - I know we thought at one stage that DS was autistic and it was hell. I'd have been annoyed with anyone who took it upon themselves to ring HV/schools etc and check up on me or who made the assumption that just because we weren't at playgroups etc that I was hiding DS away.

I also kind of agree with nurseryjo, if you cared for him f/t you do have some responsibiltuy to raise conerns as they occur - especially if it is things the pre schol has communicated to you. I know its hard to get that balance right, and you can feel unsure of how to tackle it, you don't have to say you know BETTER than the parents. But if the pre school told you there were concerns about the child don't you have a duty of care to pass that information on to the parent?

Although actually I am puzzled by the preschool. Why on earth didn't they talk to the mum first? I'd expect any carer/school to communciate directly with ME or DH as parents, not to discuss things like this with other carers first.

Its good that you are concerned about your ex charges health, but it is now out of your hands.

NurseyJo · 27/02/2007 09:55

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Katymac · 27/02/2007 08:10

NurseryJo-Most c/mers won't have a SN policy - some may have an equal op policy - but it might be very rudimentary

We are in an invidious position - if we want to say anything controversal or offer advise we are over stepping our "lines" as we are not "qualified"

I remember a thread on here where a minder was slammed for suggesting that she might know better/more than the mum

Nally already feels bad and in her position I would try & contact the HV and see if she can visit - I am sure the preschool however will have contacted someone as they are required to have a SN policy & act on it

I would contact the preschool & explain your concerns and see what happens and also contact the HV as well

NurseyJo · 27/02/2007 00:34

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thelittleElf · 27/02/2007 00:26

I do understand how you feel. I once worked in a nursery, and kept expressing my concern at the mobility of one of the youngsters in my care. His mother always changed the subject or came up with some excuse . It was some years later i found out he had been diagnosed with CP.....i was so upset because he had missed out on so much help, because his mum couldn't admit there was something wrong with him.