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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Tried to help a mum with her head in the clouds, but it backfired

82 replies

nally · 27/02/2007 00:21

I looked after a little boy for almost 2 years, 50 hours every week. I suspected for a long time that he had speech difficulties but didn't know whether to say anything or how to say it. I ended up, last June, mentioning to his mum that some people had commented on his speech and, although I am obviously no expert, she might want to get it checked out.
At around the same time he became aggressive, which got worse very quickly. I had always thought some of his behaviour was unusual and read up on it. It looked like he was probably autistic or had asperger syndrome. I didn't want to be the bearer of more bad news.
In October he started pre-school. Within 4 weeks the staff told me that he was very violent towards the children and to them, that he could not follow instructions, he laughed when being told off, became transfixed by the strangest things and that he would have periods of having a glazed expression and not responding to anything or anyone. They decided to my relief to speak to his mum. Four days later, she removed him from pre-school and terminated the childminding contract with me.
I have not seen him since then, 2 and a half months ago. There is a legal thing going on because she owes me money, but my concern is with him.
Will she just keep hiding him away so that she doesn't have to hear the truth? Will he have to wait until he starts school for anything to happen? Will she ever realise that both myself and the pre-school staff were trying to help them both?
I feel very upset. Can anyone say anything to cheer me up?

OP posts:

Enid · 27/02/2007 11:28

lol I presuem you mean alohas earlier post

coppertop · 27/02/2007 11:28

QM - Nally uses phrases such as "a mum with her head in the clouds" and talks about her "hiding him away". Personally I would remove my child from the care of someone who thought that about me when they have no idea what is really going on.

Enid · 27/02/2007 11:27

and the nursery still gets an excellent ofsted

smeeinit · 27/02/2007 11:27

good point aloha.

Aloha · 27/02/2007 11:27

My son's preschool (private nursery) told me his unhappiness there was all my fault .

ScummyMummy · 27/02/2007 11:27

What a stupid cruel woman, Enid. I hate her from a distance now.

Enid · 27/02/2007 11:27

no it was horrible

have realised this subject is too close to my heart to be objective on!

happybiggirl · 27/02/2007 11:26

Message withdrawn

Aloha · 27/02/2007 11:26

And I bet his mother cares a million times more about him than anyone else.

smeeinit · 27/02/2007 11:25

blimey enid thats awful {shock]
thats not a nice thing to say about a child.

ScummyMummy · 27/02/2007 11:25

A pre-school should talk through any serious worries with parents/guardians first, not with childminders, imo. This is nothing to do with childminders not being important to the child. It's to do with sensitivity, good practice and professionalism on the part of the pre-school.

Aloha · 27/02/2007 11:25

I think Nally comes over as extremely insensitive, frankly. To describe a woman who is being told horrible things about their child, and almost certainly is beginning to realise their child has problems, as 'having their head in the clouds' trivialises her feelings in what I think is an offensive way. Everyone comes to terms with their child being different in their own way. To tell them that their way (which she knows nothing about btw) is wrong is pretty grotesque in my book.

quietmouse · 27/02/2007 11:22

I think people are being unfair to nally. She does sound concerned about the child.

She obviously wanted ro raise her concerns but didn't know how to do it. I agree it's not nice for a parent to hear things about their child but what do you want a childminder to do? Nothing?

Enid · 27/02/2007 11:22

I sent dd1 to a nursrey when she was 2 and the nursery manager told me that I had to remove her as she was 'impossible to socialise'. She also told me that in her opinion she would never settle at primary school and would need 'specialist help'. She broke my heart.

I have never forgiven her and tbh still feel like parading my bright, sensitive, caring dd1 and all her many friends in front of her house on a daily basis.

so no, it is not always helpful.

smeeinit · 27/02/2007 11:22

calm down aloha!
the op didnt state that she agve the mum a litany of complaints did she?
and yes i do get it i have a special needs teenager and get it very clearly thank you aloha!!!

NurseyJo · 27/02/2007 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Aloha · 27/02/2007 11:19

So you think it is helpful to hear a litany of complaints? You'd love that with your own kids would you? and to have lots of whispering behind your back? You really do not get it, I'm afraid.

Enid · 27/02/2007 11:18

interesting point smeeint

I think no but others may disagree with me

NurseyJo · 27/02/2007 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

smeeinit · 27/02/2007 11:15

aloha you have just explained why us as cms have such a hard time when it comes to discussing concerns with parents.............
"It is NOT helpful to hear a litany of complaints about your child btw. And oddly enough, it never makes me feel 'grateful'."

smeeinit · 27/02/2007 11:12

so on one hand nally plays a important part in this childs upbringing being a full time carer but not important enough for the pre school to express concerns too?

Aloha · 27/02/2007 11:11

I think your OP is horribly unsympathetic tbh. Have you no empathy at all? I assume you have never had the tearing at your heart that happens when you start to realise your child is different. He was clearly not coping with pre-school. Removing him from a plainly stressful situation is not 'hiding him away' it is HELPING him. I removed my son from nursery when he was clearly unhappy. My only regret (he was subsequently diagnosed with Aspergers) is that I didn't remove him from his childminder and subsequently his nursery much earlier. I am really quite racked with guilt about that. It is NOT helpful to hear a litany of complaints about your child btw. And oddly enough, it never makes me feel 'grateful'. Perhaps she decided to give up work to care for her child precisely because she did realise that childcare wasn't working out for him?
Realising your child has special needs is very, very, very painful. I don't think you 'get' that at all.
If you miss the child, that's one thing, but I dont't really understand from your post exactly what you are upset about.

ScummyMummy · 27/02/2007 11:08

Agree, Enid. It's disgraceful that the preschool spoke to you before the parent. i would remove my child from a preschool who did that like a shot. I'm sure this family will come to terms with things and find help in their own time and in their own way.

coppertop · 27/02/2007 11:04

Teachers talking to each other at school about children is very different to a pre-school telling a CM all about a child's problems before speaking to the child's parents IMHO.

Enid · 27/02/2007 10:58

I find it shockign that the preschool told you all this tbh

agree with others who have said you cannot possibly know what is goign on now and it is out of your hands

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