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Original poster

Tried to help a mum with her head in the clouds, but it backfired

82 replies

nally · 27/02/2007 00:21

I looked after a little boy for almost 2 years, 50 hours every week. I suspected for a long time that he had speech difficulties but didn't know whether to say anything or how to say it. I ended up, last June, mentioning to his mum that some people had commented on his speech and, although I am obviously no expert, she might want to get it checked out.
At around the same time he became aggressive, which got worse very quickly. I had always thought some of his behaviour was unusual and read up on it. It looked like he was probably autistic or had asperger syndrome. I didn't want to be the bearer of more bad news.
In October he started pre-school. Within 4 weeks the staff told me that he was very violent towards the children and to them, that he could not follow instructions, he laughed when being told off, became transfixed by the strangest things and that he would have periods of having a glazed expression and not responding to anything or anyone. They decided to my relief to speak to his mum. Four days later, she removed him from pre-school and terminated the childminding contract with me.
I have not seen him since then, 2 and a half months ago. There is a legal thing going on because she owes me money, but my concern is with him.
Will she just keep hiding him away so that she doesn't have to hear the truth? Will he have to wait until he starts school for anything to happen? Will she ever realise that both myself and the pre-school staff were trying to help them both?
I feel very upset. Can anyone say anything to cheer me up?

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Original poster
nally · 01/03/2007 10:36

Also, this woman has been drving around on a provisional licence (after failing her test 3 times) with no one but her 2 year old boy in the car, who was usually not properly strapped in, for almost 2 years. When I questioned it, she said that lessons and tests were too expensive, so she couldn't be bothered... when I tried to strap him in for her once, she said "Oh don't worry about that. He knows how to get out of it anyway."

Sorry for harping on. I will leave it now.

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Original poster
nally · 28/02/2007 17:27

As said previously, I did pass on the message from the pre-school to his mum that they needed the right numbers. I gave them the numbers I had for her as well, which when called went unanswered anyway. Twice she changed her mobile no and didn't tell me. I found out both times when trying to contact her! I think it should be up to the parent to inform people if their details change. Otherwise how would we know to ask?

With regards to what went on between her and the pre-school, they sat her down for half an hour and went through their observations and concerns. She just said there was nothng wrong with him.

I know that I would be devastated to be told that one of my children may have difficulties. I would hope though that I would not shoot the messenger. I suppose you don't know until you are in the situation yourself.

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speedymama · 28/02/2007 16:01

Agree Blu, especially about confidential letter because I think Nally had trouble contacting her too.

Socci · 28/02/2007 15:52

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ScummyMummy · 28/02/2007 15:51

It does sound like it was v badly handled, jj. I am sorry you had to go through that on top of everything else. I think often there is no good way to raise concerns but certainly there are less bad ways and the staff at your boy's nursery sound like they were horrible, frankly.

Blu · 28/02/2007 15:43

Speedy - yes the mother was clearly....unusual...in her attitude to being contacted etc. But that still doesn't mean that the pre-school should have told all to anyone who wasn't the parent. But asked nally for her real numbers, or asked Nally to pass on a request for accurate numbers, or even given nally a sealed note to pass to the parent. No reflection on Nally or her integrity - it just wasn't the right thing to give info about the child to anyone other than the parent.

Jimjams2 · 28/02/2007 15:31

Agree scummy. I certainly didn't want to hear that my beautiful, cuddly little boy had a life sentence. I wasn't in active denial (i had plenty of books hidden under my bed, I had raised the awful questions), but I didn't need to be told that my son was the strangest child ever seen. I didn;t need to be blamed. I could have been handled very different. Without knowing what went on between the mother and pre-school its hard to know whether the mother is in denial or pissed off.

ScummyMummy · 28/02/2007 15:23

Sorry, nally. Like jj and nj I feel I jumped on you before knowing the full story.

I do think we can sometimes forget that jumping fully clothed into an African river with ears blocked, shouting la la la I hate you all and you're wrong wrong wrong is one very normal reaction to trauma, though. And hearing, no matter how gently, and facing that something may be seriously wrong with your child is going to be traumatic.

speedymama · 28/02/2007 15:17

But the mother had given the pre-school false contact numbers. How could they know that they were false until they tried the numbers? And how do you get hold of someone if they have given you false contact details?

Blu · 28/02/2007 15:10

I am sure that Nally has the best interests of the child at heart, and is deeply concerned to know that he is ok - and is, in fact an excellent childminder.

But you, smeeinit and quietmouse, must be able to see the difference between being trusted to care for a child, being appreciated for that - and having the right to be told information about that child from a third party without the parent being told?

I don't think it was Nally at fault there at all - it was the pre-school - whether or not they had the parents number. if they didn't have it, it was their responsibility to get it!

quietmouse · 28/02/2007 15:01

if you were looking after him 50 hours a week then I would think you would be the only carer the playgroup saw anyway so no one can blame them for voicing concerns, especially if the mum was so hard to get hold of.

Some parents attitudes to childminders infuriate me, Sorry but they really do! Happy to leave your child with someone for 50 hours a week but not happy for them to have any opinion on that child

Judy1234 · 28/02/2007 13:52

nally, that's very sad indeed.
it is similar in a way to the position of grandparents who are denied contact with a child they have got to know. It just feels wrong. We kept in touch with our oldest children's nanny who looked after them for 10 years.

Also I would expect the school or nursery to talk to the person collecting the child. It's common sense. Obviously I owuld expect that then to be passed to me - which it always was, if the nanny remembered she'd say - the school said XZY was quiet today or he doesn't have any friends or whatever.

I think you've done all you can. I hope she pays the money owed too.

donnie · 28/02/2007 13:44

I have just read this thread and can't believe the accusations levelled at you nally. You did your best and all I can say is I feel sorry for the child - and you. Sounds like the mother has real problems.

speedymama · 28/02/2007 13:32

Nally, you sound like a wonderful, sensitive, caring and intuitive cm. You did your best.

Original poster
nally · 28/02/2007 13:04

I have been told by the solicitor that any contact must be made through them. It was his 3rd birthday last Wednesday and I wanted to send him a present (he loves the Johnson's Shampoo Hairdo advert, so thought I would get him some and a little something else), but I was advised not to.

I think it was totally unfair on both of us that our relationship was cut short in the manner that it was. I would have loved to have had the chance to spoil him and have a little party to say goodbye. He made so many friends when he was with us and they have all been taken away from him.

The other thing of course is that, although most people could not understand what he was saying, because we had him for such a long time, there were things I would understand, for example if he said "dopeynow" he would actually be asking for me to open something. If I asked him what he should say when asking for something, he would say "daypee" (say please). It must be really frustrating for him to have to start afresh somewhere else, with people who won't have a clue what he is talking about until they get to know him better.

It breaks my heart

OP posts:
happybiggirl · 28/02/2007 11:48

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NurseyJo · 28/02/2007 10:33

This reply has been deleted

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quietmouse · 28/02/2007 10:23

nally, you have done nothing wrong. You sound like a really lovely person and a very professional, dedicated childminder

Keep up the good work!

coppertop · 28/02/2007 10:10

The full story sounds very different to the OP. Hopefully the next pre-school or school will pick up on any SN asap. Well done to you Nally and good luck with sorting out the legal issues and getting your money back.

Original poster
nally · 27/02/2007 23:35

Thanks for saying that. I don't feel like such an ogre now. I did speak to my HV at one point and she tried to assure me that I had done all I could. She was an angel. She sat in my house while I cried for 2 hours.

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franyfroo · 27/02/2007 23:25

I think you sound like a great childminder, its a difficult situation but it sound like there were other issues here aswell.
best wishes x

Original poster
nally · 27/02/2007 21:42

Thank you Jimjams2 and Hassled. I suppose I should have worded the thread better and apologise to anyone I may have upset or offended. There is no excuse for it, but I was upset and wanted to just tell someone about it.

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Hassled · 27/02/2007 21:07

Nally - I think you've behaved admirably in a nightmarish situation. 2 of my sons are SN and while I hated the Reception teacher for telling me her concerns about DS2, she had spotted things that I just hadn't (if you live with it, it starts to seem "normal")and without that initial approach from her his school-life would be horrendous now. I also childminded a boy with serious behavioural problems and I picked him up from playgroup each day so yes, the PG staff did talk to me about how he'd been. And yes, I did tell the mother about my concerns and was lucky that she was more responsive than in your case and he has now been diagnosed with a behavioural disorder. But that was just down to luck, and you've been very unlucky. You do need to talk to a HV about him - his welfare is the most important thing.

Original poster
nally · 27/02/2007 20:50

Just reading back through some of the messages, I would also like to point out that the pre-school tried to phone her to speak to her and the contact numbers she had given them were unrecognised. When I told her that they had been trying to get in touch and the numbers were wrong, she just laughed and said "oh, were they?". On a couple of occasions, when he had been unwell, I had tried for at least an hour to contact her without luck. Once when he was really poorly (sick with temperature and not eating) and I had managed to contact her, she told me to give him some cherry soothers and some Smarties to cheer him up.

He used to turn up in the mornings, carrying mascaras with the lids off, tampons, sachets of calpol, felt tip pens, knickers, all sorts of stuff. He would also sometimes arrive with cold toast in a sandwich bag or a chupa chup lolly for his breakfast.

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Jimjams2 · 27/02/2007 20:47

Apologies nally- you sound like you've been more than reasonable, I think you've got a roasting because of the wording of head in her clouds etc, and lots of us have been on the receiving end of that sort of comment unfairly.

If the mother doesn't deal with it (does she work?, if so he'll need to go to another childcarer) then it will be picked up at his next childcare or at school- tbh in many places pre-school help is practically non-existent- although it is of course better to have someone on side. TBH I've only seen a HV for ds3's checks, I've never been to clinic or anything so that may not be unusual. although certainly it would be sensible to talk to one with concerns.