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Original poster

Husband doesn't want PIL to look after our son at our house...

80 replies

1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:30

I'm going back to work 3 days per week. My husband's parents have agreed to look after our son one day per week - their house is on my way to work, so it's easy to drop him off. My parents live an hour away, but have agreed to do two days per week. They have said they would prefer to come to our house to look after him, saying they don't want DS spending all that time in the car. DH doesn't want this, as he comes home for lunch and finishes at 4.30pm (early starts) - meaning he'd have to see my parents quite a lot. He gets on well with them and loves them, but feels them being in our house is an invasion of his privacy, and that my Mum would do stuff around the house, which he doesn't want. He doesn't have the same close relationship with his family as I do mine, so I don't have a problem with it. Now I'm faced with an awkward decision to offend my parents by telling them they can't look after him here (seems like we don't trust them/they're not welcome) or to make hubby unhappy. I can't look at this objectively, because they're my parents. Is hubby being unreasonable?

OP posts:
876TaylorMade · 20/01/2017 14:02

It's his house as well ... not wanting someone in there doing unnecessary things is perfectly normal. Perhaps he uses his lunch time to unwind... and doesn't want to spend it making small talk. Talk to your mother ... if you have as close a relationship as you say it should be easy setting boundaries.

I personally don't see how 4 hours over two days is that bad.

And what is wrong with your parents house? Is it simply because they don't want your LO in the car why they have suggested doing it at your house?

Gazelda · 20/01/2017 14:02

Surely he'll be playing with DC when he comes home for lunch, with the odd smile and nod at your parents.
I think 'doesn't want to interact with PIL' is BS, his biggest concern is your DM doing unwanted stuff around your home. Which I can understand. But hopefully an honest conversation between the 4 of you will stop that before it starts.

Lunar1 · 20/01/2017 14:01

If they have form for rooting around I don't blame him to be honest!

Orangebird69 · 20/01/2017 13:58

He's being a dick. It's not much fun for the dc being stuck in a car seat for 2 hours a day. Yanbu. He is being VU.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:57

Yep, I have said that they've been times when I don't want to talk to his folks but I just suck it up. He says DS is often in the car for 2hours if we go for a day out at the weekends.

OP posts:
cookiefiend · 20/01/2017 13:56

What a lovely offer from your parents. I think he is being unreasonable, but can unserstand him feeling a bit uncomfortable. Can you ask him to give it a try and address any issues as they come up? Two hours in the car is a long time for your son.

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:54

2 days a week over lunch that is- he'll be saying a quick goodbye to her at 4.30.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:54

Good plan Brankolium 👌

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 20/01/2017 13:54

Sounds like your parents have your child's best interests at heart, but your DH is putting himself first.

Unless he genuinely wants DS to go to more structured childcare but is avoiding having that chat because he knows it would upset you?

I always think the child's house is better for in home childcare. It's presumably all properly childproofed, grandparents houses often aren't (understandably!)

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:53

I have to say, my mum minds my DC if I have to work on a saturday and she does things I don't like. (Start a washload that I wasn't ready to start or fill the cupboard with snacks the DC will devour in minutes!) but I just accept that as a very cheap price of her providing free childcare.

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:53

So - be a grown up and talk to your mum for 2 days a week, or take food in a thermos 2 days a week and eat in the car or the workshop? Both are perfectly doable.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:53

Normally yes, she couldn't help herself. I'd have to make both of my parents swear not to do anything but look after LO and themselves. That's what I mean - would I want to talk to my PIL during and after a shitty day at work? (Actually I wouldn't mind but everyone's different)

OP posts:
Brankolium · 20/01/2017 13:52

He's being silly. Being looked after by his lovely grandparents without having to go in the car twice a day is clearly the best option for your DS (assuming there's no other details missing).

If your husband is willing to pay for childcare then perhaps he could fork out the cash for your parents to take DS out for a nice lunch every day so he can come home to an empty house. Winners all round!

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:51

Couldn't he just have his lunch at work those two days?

SirChenjin · 20/01/2017 13:51

Yep, he's being a prize arse here. Your parents are helping massively here and he's acting like a spoilt child - all 'me me me'. So what exactly would your mum do round the house that his Lordship wouldn't like?

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:51

We live in the country - no cafes around! So it would be lunch in a workshop with no heating / facilities. Or he could come home to a warm house and talk to my Mum 😂

OP posts:
MardyGrave · 20/01/2017 13:50

Is your mother likely to do stuff around the house? Answer honestly. Look in cupboards or letters, clean, go into your bedroom etc.

I know plenty of women who would feel undermined by their mil being in their home while they aren't in, and having to make polite small talk with them during their lunch break.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:49

I have offered to meet my parents half way with DS, but they said they don't care about the driving, it's the fact that they don't want little one in the car for 2hrs per day.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 13:49

Surely all he has to do is to go to a cafe twice a week and send your parents on their way when he gets home at 4.30? What on earth is he complaining about?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 13:48

He's being daft

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:46

And he's said he would get up earlier and drop DS off at my parents if required Confused

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 20/01/2017 13:46

Unreasonable.
Your parents are putting themselves out by driving an hour each way to your home so that you.or your husband doesn't have to.
If he's home for lunch, I assume that's half an hour, ten minutes of which he'll have his mouth full so won't need to chat. Then at the end of the day 5 minutes of "thanks very much PILs, I'll let you get off before the traffic gets too heavy"
You agree in advance what your mum can and can't do around the house. Ask her not to go in your bedroom cos your DH is funny about privacy, (roll your eyes at this point)

What does he suggest instead?

OneWithTheForce · 20/01/2017 13:44

This is the childcare that's on offer. He either accepts it gracefully (as its bloody free!) or he arranges alternative childcare which he would have to pay for.

Presumably when he gets home at half 4 your parents would be leaving anyway.

Original poster
1210junglist · 20/01/2017 13:44

Thanks for your reply :) That's the thing, he would probably pay for childcare - but I'd rather my parents look after DS at least initially, as I think it's better for him. DH would take over after work, he's a good Dad and usually happy to help.

OP posts:
NickyEds · 20/01/2017 13:43

Or would he be fine with the 4 hour commute to drop your ds off and pick him up again if your parents were to have him at their house? I suspect not.

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