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Original poster

Asking au pair to not spend 2 evenings with us a week

40 replies

MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 13:55

Our new au pair arrives this evening, and I'm just finishing writing her welcome booklet. She seems great and I'm really excited. But I've read various threads on this board about au pairs who either never leave the house, or spend all their time on the sofa in the living room. I think that would drive me mad! We've organised language classes and ballet lessons for her, and she's already met a few local au pairs online - she seems motivated and I'm hoping that hanging around the house the whole time won't be a problem.

But do you think it's reasonable to say, from the off, that, for most of the week, she's very welcome to eat dinner with DP and I in the evening, and join us watching telly or chatting. But for 2 nights a week, we'd like to have the evening to ourselves (or to invite friends over): and on those nights, please could she either eat when I cook for the children, or cook for herself, and then vacate the living room/dining room, so that DP and I can get some relationship time together? Or do you think that's unreasonable?

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Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:24

Yes, good point - thanks nilbyname

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 14/10/2016 14:24

If you are having friends over invite her to join you surely. She will likely be out or in her room a lot. I really think with this no entry to the living room Saturday nights thing you are being horribly unwelcoming and treating her like an employee not an au pair. She isn't a nanny!

nilbyname · 14/10/2016 14:23

I think the bones of your message is good, but lose the "if thats ok?" at the end of your requests.

Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:21

Oh, I hoped that Saturday would be when she'd be more likely to be out herself; so that it would be easier. It's unlikely that we'd have friends over for dinner any other night of the week, though.

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celeryisnotasuperfood · 14/10/2016 14:19

strangely i think specifying it to saturday is harsher, thats because when i was lonely it was friday, saturday and sunday nights that were the worst for feeling depressed - as you are so aware that everyone else is having a good time on those nights.
I would play it by ear on this one - she might be a very social girl, or spend her off time in her room on the computer anyway

Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:13

I definitely want to be nice! I've written this - do you think this is OK?

"On Saturday evenings, DP and I would like to have an evening alone together, in the house, if that’s OK: either just to sit and chat together, or to watch a film together, or to invite friends over. On those evenings, would you mind either eating with the children (who we'll cook for about 5.45-6pm), or cooking for yourself? You’re very welcome to join us for dinner every other night of the week! We just thought it would be important for DP and I to have some regular time together alone, if that’s OK."

I think I won't say anything about not being in the living room/dining room etc.

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2014newme · 14/10/2016 14:10

Yes play it by ear don't write it in the manual it comes across as unkind. You have invited her to live in your house as part of the family. Be nice!

Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:08

We can't afford to go out much, unfortunately - the last time we went out together was about 7 months ago! Once she arrives, we'll go out one night a week, I hope. But I get up at 5am for work every day (6 days a week), so I don't necessarily want to go out more than that - but I would like the 'couple time' that going out offers, but whilst being able to flop on the sofa and have an early night. We have a large house, but only one living room (although there's another sofa & TV in the playroom; and she's got a TV in her own room). I really want to strike the balance of being welcoming and a host family, with not eroding all DP and my time alone together. How do other families with APs manage to have time alone with their partners (aside from going out a lot)? Any advice welcome!

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FinallyHere · 14/10/2016 14:07

As PP said, an au-pair lives as a member of the family. I'm sure it's possible to get this message across but it is a tricky message to deliver kindly. Could you wait and see how here social life goes and, if she is around in the evenings more than you would like, ask her what she needs to enjoy more of a social life in the evenings?

Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:05

Not having any older children, I honestly don't know AndNow. I do think it's really important for couples to have some time away from the children. At the moment, because all our kids go to bed at 7pm, DP and I have basically every evening together. But I'm worried about the prospect of never having any time alone together, just to, you know, take stock of our relationship etc. If she was our own child, we'd still need to find that time somehow. And I can't imagine I'd necessarily be happy about a teenage daughter joining us every time our mates came over. Maybe I should reduce it to 1 evening a week; and that, plus the 1 evening that we'll go out, should be enough time.

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2014newme · 14/10/2016 14:03

Oh gosh that doesn't sound very nice! I thought au pairs were to be treated like family? I would go out if I had on tap babysitting rather than tell her she can't sit in the living room 2 nights per week. Is your house very small? If she is in the living room.is there another living room.you can sit in to chat?

AndNowItsSeven · 14/10/2016 14:02

She is meant to be an older sister to your dc, if you would tell your own hypothetical 18 year old to give you some space then it's fine, if you wouldn't then no.

Original poster
MabelAllan · 14/10/2016 14:02

Thanks! Do you think it's OK to ask her not to be in the dining room/kitchen or living room, though? Her bedroom is big, and comfy, and she has a TV up there - but I'm worried that it might make her feel like she's been 'sent to her room'. She could go out, though, I guess.

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MoonfaceAndSilky · 14/10/2016 13:59

Seems fine to me and good to write it down so she knows exactly where she stands from the off.

CrumbsThatsQuick · 14/10/2016 13:57

Sounds absolutely fine and reasonable to me.