Should I tell my nanny not to bring people to my house

Glad to hear it is sorted

Glad all sorted maybe she on here and read this thread

Oh good - sounds like a good outcome all round!

Any update OP?

Supriser this wasn't mentioned at interview

Most nannies will socialise as likewise mums do

I agree you don't want people round your house every day all day - assume they take turns so some days your nanny goes to their house etc

Obv damage to your home is wrong esp if not known how it got damaged

Some parents understandably don't want other children /strangers in their beds

I wouldn't stop play dates totally but maybe reduce time to a morning or afternoon

Plus check why she stopped the group she originally did

Sorry Turin I completely missed pages 2 and 3 - my post is a bit pointless now (although maybe you will enjoy the glue story at least - you are not entirely alone!)

I am with stayathomegardener and think no more playdates is a bit of an overreaction. I wouldn't be at all happy with this episode, but playdates are good for your children as well as keeping your nanny sane. However, I think it would be reasonable for you to put a limit on numbers and definitely to ask that furniture not be moved in future, and that children are not left unsupervised while at your house.

For a bit of context, my previous nanny used to have regular playdates at our house usually once or twice a week (but also took my daughter to other nannies' houses for play dates about as often). I always felt it was good for my DD's socialisation, and also gave my nanny some respite as 10 solid hours with a toddler is a lot. Nannies need some adult company too and kids need to learn to play with other kids. Occasionally a visiting child would have a nap in our travel cot: but the travel cot was always put back away by the time I was home, so it was no extra work for me.

One time (in 2.5 years she was with me) one of these play dates resulted in glue being splodged on my living room rug (I think it must have been glue - it was totally non-cleanable and non-flakable and nothing would clean it off). I have no idea how it can have happened and (slightly annoyingly) neither did my nanny. I was a bit annoyed, but on the other hand accidents happen, it could just as easily have happened if I had been at home with my DD with friends visiting, and she didn't invite that nanny to our house again. In the end I was able to snip the gluey patch out with nail scissors as it wasn't that deep, and I think you have to expect a bit of household destruction with young children regardless of who is in charge. I will get a new rug when my kids are older and less likely to do the same again.

The furniture thing is easy...just ask her to move it back.

We never had nannies asking other families she knew back, it just didn't seem right. We DID have our nanny asking other friends from nursery back, so they were our children's friends rather than hers. Our nannies did meet her own friends with their children sometimes, but outside our home and I think that's how it should be. I'd only ever want people I'd previously met inside my own home.

Remember you are the employer

Quite clearly what is happening is she is having a good old gossip with her nanny pals while the kids run riot upstairs.... agree with others, this is not on.

I would just talk to her and ask her not to move things around (or to put things back) and also ask that children are not put to bed upstairs.

I do think it is unfair for both her and your kids to ban play dates which is effectively what you're talking about doing.

Completely agree with Clacks. I have had nannies for nine years. My nanny used to have children over to play with another nanny, but only one at a time, and for two hours max. This is a lovely social engagement for your nanny at your and your child's expense. I would be hopping about cancelling the activity - who really benefits here?

I agree with you OP about how hard it is to lay down the law with a nanny as you are scared she will take it out on the kids. I made a mistake once by letting my nanny get away with things I should have called her on and it ended terribly. She was boasting to her nanny friends that I was 'under her thumb' which gave me some backbone! You have my sympathy but rest assured YADNBU!

That's a good point about the children being out of the house for the whole day sometimes

I'd be very cross. She can do play dates in playground and playgroup !! Have a word with her.

So my point being there may be more to be said than just what you're ok happening in your house.

I would also consider the point as to whether you are happy for your DCs to be spending entire days at other people's houses. One of theadvantages of having a nanny is that My DCs get to be at home when appropriate e.g. For a long afternoon nap DC2 has his own cot. Of course there are exceptions but I wouldn't be happy with my DC being set up in a travel cot or child's bed in someone else's home on a semi regular basis.

Such an awkward situation for you and I understand you need to come at it from a friendly angle so as not to alienate her.
I would speak to her and explain that you find it awkward having another child in your child's bed and you're not very happy about the children being left unattended as damage was done, (and not normal play date damage). Hopefully she will understand.
Say they can come over for max 2 hours and stay in X room.
If she is respectful which you paint her as then I'm sure she'll understand

Yeah we're all just frothing about fixtures being pulled out of walls and random children occupying beds in the OPs house, oh and now a travel cot.

I am finding it difficult to remain in employer mode when it's about my own kids. I want my nanny to be happy and enjoy looking after the children, therein lies the problem.

I completely understand this. It's so hard when children are in the middle- hence it's very different from "my cleaner/gardener/window cleaner/insurance broker is taking the mick". You don't want the nanny to be unhappy and leave because your DC are happy and comfortable in her care. I think the damage gives you a good - and reasonable - excuse to bring it up and set some new boundaries (eg "Now I think about it, it's a shame you don't go to X on a Tuesday morning any more..." etc etc.

I'm a nanny and would be horrified if any damage was done on my watch by other people (and would most definitely put any furniture etc back that was moved). I think if they fit in with routines then play dates are great. Gives the children a nice variety and time with other children but I wouldn't take my charges to someone's house when they were due to sleep and I wouldn't be happy allowing other children to sleep if they came to us. As people have said, tell your nanny you're happy for play dates to continue but maybe just for a few hours at a time and mention your child would like to go back to the Tuesday morning activity as they really enjoyed it. Your nanny will understand, she seems very genuine!

People arriving with travel cots seems a bit much! And she should have made sure the table was put back in that case.

I would definitely ask that she limit the playdates to a few hours in the morning or after-school and not all day ones.

I wonder whether the other nanny who is staying all day is seeking refuge at your house because of issues at her own employers house (builders, mum on ML, sick parent etc.). I've both taken refuge and hosted someone else in those circumstances, but always with my employers full consent.

OP you sound like a lovely employer. Very calm and reasonable. Take some of the frothing here with a pinch of salt! Don't let them wind you up.

I read it that this is the first time some damage has been done, is that right? It's really annoying for you and your nanny should be massively apologetic, but accidents do happen. I don't believe that any parent or childminder or nanny sits in the room with a child for the entire time they are asleep in case they wake up and try and open the curtains! So, I'd ignore the nonsense about the child not being supervised properly. We ALL leave children sleeping unsupervised.

With the dining room table it would depend on why it was moved and why it wasn't moved back again? If she moved it to make space for your children to make a den/play twister/set up a train track and she left it incase they want to play again tomorrow then surely reasonable (if annoying). If she moved it to accommodate all the people she had in your house then that's a different issue.

With the Tuesday activity, do you know why she's stopped going? If she's stopped for these playdates then that is unacceptable. Is it possible it's closed down/being refurbished/under new management/gone up in price etc.? Again, it depends on why.

I think you've got the right approach. I wouldn't ban playdates all together, but lay down some ground rules. For example, she needs to ask in advance, she needs to limit it to a few hours at a time (no sleepovers), she needs to limit to once a week at most, she needs to make sure the children are getting out to playgroups/the park etc. as well, she needs to make sure playdates are in communal areas only.