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Original poster

Have I been unlucky? Nannies don't stick around.

66 replies

CrispyFB · 31/07/2016 23:58

I went back to work in January after nearly 8 years as a SAHM. My new job is full time (sadly, it's not compatible with part time) and fabulous.

I have four children, 9, 7, 5 and 2 and the youngest is in full time nursery so it's only the older three to care for after school and full time in the holidays.

The 5 year old has ASD/PDA but if he's handled "right" he's actually less hassle than the older two! Unfortunately after school club was too much for him when I first went back because so many of the older children didn't give him the space he needed and one of the teachers didn't always follow the guidelines we had given (according to our reliable oldest) and was ordering him about. As a result he was excluded after a week following a meltdown which is why we've gone down the nanny route.

Our first nanny was the first one I interviewed (although I did interview another who seemed okay) and I just knew she was "the one". She was perfect, too good to be true. The children loved her and she loved them. My son never melted down for her because she treated him as we told her to. Unfortunately after three months she had to move out the area because of her husband's work. We are friends on FB and she regularly posts on my posts about the children saying she misses them.

I hoped we'd find somebody again really fast but it took over a month and although I interviewed lots of nannies, it was awful. The first one seemed keen, a bit critical of her current employer but as soon as I asked for references basically said it wasn't for her. The second one wanted £15/hour in an area that pays £10/£11 at most. The third also seemed keen, said she'd send over her paperwork and then never bothered. Then there was nobody because I'd exhausted all the possibles and no new ones showed up. Finally somebody we know through the school happened to spot my profile on childcare.co.uk and said she was becoming available and got in touch.

She is lovely, the children like her, and she's been working for us three weeks now. Our son has been fine with her too, no meltdowns to report, or at least nothing serious. Today she handed in her notice (one week - we are SCREWED) because her grandfather needs looking after in his home full time and nobody else will do it. I think it's genuine because she hasn't seemed unhappy at all and I am a very easygoing person who gives them a lot of flexibility, and our children are usually very well behaved aside from a bit of normal sibling bickering! Neither nanny has had anything other than praise about them (their teachers say the same - it's not just mummy-goggles - ASD son improved immensely at school too once first nanny took over). And I personally try and be the employer I would want to have. If anything I'm too much of a pushover.

Have we just been really unlucky? Because there is NO WAY I can go through this with a third nanny. My ASD son was already really unsettled at the change of nanny the first time, it's going to be horrendous a second time and if it happens again, well, yeah. I've stated in my job advert VERY clearly that we need somebody long term too.

Going back to work has saved my sanity (I was seeing a doctor for depression and anxiety until I got my career back) but with unreliable childcare like this I don't think I can keep working. It's not fair on my children to keep flipping nannies like this, plus my anxiety means I get so stressed and upset with the interview process as I am so shy.

We've asked agencies in the past but they only seem to cater for full time nannies, and we only need after school plus holidays.

Is it normal for nannies to just not last more than a few months at best? When I take on a job in my career I intend it to be for the foreseeable, at least a few years. Because if so, I am going to have to hand my notice in and my dreams will be shattered. I'm already feeling sick and a wreck over having to do the nanny search yet again, especially as there's such a rush now, but to do this a fourth time this year if the next one falls through - I just can't. That'll be it.

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 02/08/2016 13:47

Thanks!! Yep, I must have updated it four times in the last two days - heh! You're right about it being bumped, I always get more hits after an update. Hopefully they'll forget or at least look again..

I might see if there are any local nanny FB groups as well as I know some areas have them. Has to be worth a try.

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GinAndOnIt · 02/08/2016 12:20

Is it on childcare.co.uk that you're advertising? Because you will get bumped back up to the top after amending it, and chances are nannies won't remember the username and will click again. Also, when you change your specifications, it will email matching nannies to say you've recently updated and will get them to have another look. Don't fret!

Original poster
CrispyFB · 02/08/2016 12:11

Just amended the advert to reflect that! :-) Although obviously a lot of people will have seen it in its old form and probably ruled me out and not realised I've changed it.. ah well. I've made it clear in the first sentence though so hopefully they might spot it!

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GinAndOnIt · 02/08/2016 12:07

Why don't you advertise as term time only, but with the option of additional work in the holidays if they want it? Like you do with the extra hour. That way you don't put off people looking for part time only, but also don't rule out the odd one or two who might want long holiday hours for extra cash.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 02/08/2016 11:44

That's a fair point, actually, especially for those with their own children. It may well be a big struggle (and I can't help but wonder if that played a part in our latest one leaving just a week into the holidays).

Perhaps I should update my advert to suggest we're happy with somebody who just wants term time only and then try and find some other solution for the holidays. There's no shortage of local clubs, and DS is actually fine in clubs for up to a week before he starts getting stressed. Perhaps we could get a temporary nanny for the odd week here and there and take our own holidays etc to break up the summer holidays. It's doable I guess!

It's no surprise that my decision to finally do something about going back to work came hot on the heels of the summer holidays last year, ha.

Thanks :-)

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GinAndOnIt · 02/08/2016 10:44

I think one issue may be the contrast in hours in term time and holidays. You may find someone who is happy doing 15/20 hours a week, but to go from that to 50 hours non stop for 6 weeks is quite a big jump.

When did your nannies both leave, was it in the run up to Easter/Summer holidays? That might be a clue. It sounds like a lovely job especially for a NWOC during term time, but too much in the holidays.

One of my good friends is a NWOC and she works about 4 hours a day, and then full time in the holidays. She dreads the holidays and has really struggled with them since having a baby. She has four in total (one is hers). She is staying though because she's been with them since the children were born, and is hoping it will get easier when her child is older (he's a toddler now)

Original poster
CrispyFB · 02/08/2016 10:03

I don't mind a bit, so long as it's more than three weeks or even three months! A year I wouldn't mind. Just a bit of stability.

I honestly think our first nanny would have loved to have stayed for longer, she really did strike me as committed and she's even been in touch when she saw I was advertising again to express her sympathy. But relocating (and the reasons were sound!) is a hard one to get past!! We basically just need another one like her - she was totally perfect - who doesn't relocate. But I think we just got incredibly lucky with her by the looks of things :-(

It's looking increasingly like I'm going to have to give work an ultimatum of me reducing my hours significantly (which seems unlikely they'd agree to) or me giving up work, probably forever, because nobody is going to take me on for school hours only in the industry I work in. And by the time my two year old can come home safely from school on her own, my skills will be so out of date nobody will want to employ me.

There's another resentful wasted professional mother to add to the pile. I have three daughters, what message is it giving them? Don't breed if you want a career? Fab.

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rollonthesummer · 01/08/2016 23:32

But not long term, maybe. It sounds as if you're attracting people who aren't viewing it as a career choice but as something that's ok to do for a bit.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 23:28

rollonthesummer - but it did suit the first two nannies because they had young children of their own and we were happy for them to bring them along!

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 23:26

Both of them have young children (which we were happy for them to bring along, and our children loved them and vice-versa!) So it suited them having a job where they could still be around their own child, and not working for too long. I don't know, maybe they're finding it a lot harder than they thought dealing with so many children AND their own very young ones. It's not easy as I know, from having those three and my own toddler!

There's no university near here unfortunately, although there is a local college that offers childcare qualifications I could look into.

Worst case we could offer three full days and try and work something out between ourselves for the other two.. DS might survive one day a week at after school club for instance. After all I agree it's nicer to have longer days and then have whole days free - it might make it more attractive.

Sorry to hear you've had a similar experience Karoleann. Au-pairs are just impossible for us due to space, unfortunately :-(

Lots have looked at my profile today, but no messages. Best case they're considering, or most likely the hours and/or number of children don't suit. Even the ones whose profiles seem to match exactly what I'm asking for!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 01/08/2016 23:22

I would think you will always struggle to find a part time nanny who will stay long term. In many cases, people work full time unless they have their own children, in which case they work part- time to fit round them; what you offer doesn't really.

Karoleann · 01/08/2016 23:11

For an example (we also live just outside London), we had little problem attracting a good part-time mainly after school nanny in Central London, but we went through 4 in 9 months when we first moved out. I even went up to £16/hr net to try and attract someone good.

We now have au pairs.

jclm · 01/08/2016 22:12

Do you live near a university? If so you could advertise at the job shop.

nannynick · 01/08/2016 20:28

What did the other nannies do during the rest of their time? Sounds like you need to find someone who is similar to them, who only needs to work 15-20 hours per week. Offering more hours may help... I nanny 36 hours per week, but I do that over 3 days, not 5 as it enables me to do other things on the other days of the week.
It will suit someone, the problem is finding them.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 18:47

wizzywig - three with SEN! That must be so hard. I've seen there's a specialist SN agency but the fees were astronomical!! And in our case at least, our son is fine with somebody with non-SN experience so long as they treat him as we ask. He doesn't need a one to one in school, for example.

The clubs are only two afternoons a week and all in the same place, so it's not too complicated. The older two mostly handle themselves with it all anyway, they just need to be transported! And on one of the days, once they're dropped off, the nanny can leave because I pick them up. They only do 1 or 2 things each and love their clubs!

I really don't want our youngest to give up nursery, she is so settled there and she loves it. Also in a year she'll be starting the school nursery so we won't need a nanny full time at all then. I would hate to take someone on and then have to reduce their hours in a year and have them leave - better to get somebody with the right hours to begin with.

Hopefully offering up to 32 hours a week might stand us a better chance. I know it's not 50 hours a week like a full time position would be, but I'd hope the 13 weeks of holiday being full time would help a bit.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2016 16:43

You can only do what you can do, but you will struggle to find someone who can commit long term to after school hours only. That's just the way it is.

Holidays shouldn't really be a problem, because you arrange holiday at a time that is convenient to both of you. Generally, you choose half and they choose half.

A good nanny will make sure you youngest is socialised and will manage 4 after-school with no problem (although if the clubs are a nightmare maybe cut back a bit....pay for the nanny with the savings).

If you offer a full-time job at £10ph, you won't need a nanny who brings their own child. You've had to settle for that because the hours are bad. If the hours and pay are good, you will have your choice of candidates.

wizzywig · 01/08/2016 16:23

Op i hear ya!! I have 3 sen kids and also manage to find nannies who also have family situations soon after starting. I pay ok (£12 gross p/h) but even when they say they can look after 3 during the week and 2 in school hols, it just doesnt happen.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 16:18

Even if we could afford it financially (it would cost us around £200/month extra even at £10/hour) it's the practicality. Juggling four at after school clubs is no fun, especially if the nanny has her own child. I struggled with just my four. And it's really important for our youngest to socialise at nursery. She's made such huge improvements in her confidence since she started full time in January.

And also when the nanny is on holiday we'd be screwed for childcare for her too, as she's too young for clubs (holidays) and my husband can come home early and work from home for term time holidays. We'd have to take a whole day off. It just isn't practical.

That said, I have said in the advert I'd be happy to reduce her days to three a week at nursery if hours were an issue. So I'd be offering a maximum of 32 hours a week term time, 50 hours holidays, which isn't that bad, surely? Heck, having worked it out, it's only 50 hours less a year than I do and with inset days, maybe near enough the same. Plus if she still has her nursery place, they might be happy to cover nanny holidays.

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 16:10

Those are definitely major flashpoints for him - he's weirdly chilled about most other stuff. He does like to get his own way but only if he's feeling anxious, because then he can feel in control again. Although the Lego and shoes thing always applies! He can tolerate a lot when he feels safe and happy with someone which is why he's not a problem most of the time.

I have always encouraged both nannies to be honest with me, and most days they say the children have been fine. The times when they're not, they tell me exactly what happened, and usually it's my older two bickering ;-) I really don't think they'd be hiding anything. After all until January, looking after him was my job and he's improved immensely since then too. School have been so impressed he literally got a medal for "effort" for the whole year, the only one in his class :-)

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NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2016 16:00

Are you sure you can't make a full-time nanny work financially?

You'll generally be able to pay a lower hourly wage for a full-time nanny because the job will be far more desirable, meaning a greater pool of candidates.

You'll save in the holidays because instead of paying nursery plus holiday club/childminder you'll just pay one fee.

Nannies can be paid in childcare vouchers.

Next year the new tax-free childcare scheme is starting. I think it's supposed to end up being £2000 a year per child that the government will contribute. Although when and how that is actually coming into effect is still unclear I think!

What could you afford to pay a full time nanny as a yearly wage, taking all that into account?

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 15:52

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 01/08/2016 15:38

Both our nannies have said he's exceptionally well-behaved for them. But that's because they know not to make demands of him, and allow for his foibles (like he needs someone to take his shoes off even though he's capable because it's part of his ritual, or not let people touch his Lego models) His issues are all frustration and anxiety-based.

They've both said I made him out to be a lot worse than he actually is, and he's actually totally fine and they were wondering what the big deal was. But that's because they've done as we asked. However, I know from experience with after school club that if he is dealt with in a strict fashion (which would totally work with some children including my older two as it's how we were with them) then he can sometimes react quite badly.

It's the reason we want somebody experienced, who would understand that concept, and that it's not just us pandering to him being crappy indulgent parents which I know some of the teachers thought we were. It's what works for him, and it works really really well.

You're right about the salary. I may go adjust that!! But there's nothing we can do about the hours, I just don't get paid enough. Which is why I think I may need to give it all up if this happens again as it basically means we can't get the right childcare.

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Pearlman · 01/08/2016 15:04

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NuffSaidSam · 01/08/2016 15:03

'they may not want to work full time and this is just a nice little earner for a few hours a day.That seems to be the sort of people we've attracted at interview.'

This is your problem. The short hours mean you are targeting people who just want a bit of extra cash, not people who need to earn proper money doing a proper job. That's fine (no judgement), but they're not professional, dedicated career nannies (even though they might have been prior to having their own children). If you want real commitment you need to look for a full-time nanny with a history of sticking around long term.

Also, you should advertise your job as £9-11 and then offer £10. If you advertise £12 and then only offer £10, what you're saying is 'we were prepared to pay £12 for someone we really like, but we don't think you're worth it!'. That's not a good start!

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 14:51

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