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Original poster

Have I been unlucky? Nannies don't stick around.

66 replies

CrispyFB · 31/07/2016 23:58

I went back to work in January after nearly 8 years as a SAHM. My new job is full time (sadly, it's not compatible with part time) and fabulous.

I have four children, 9, 7, 5 and 2 and the youngest is in full time nursery so it's only the older three to care for after school and full time in the holidays.

The 5 year old has ASD/PDA but if he's handled "right" he's actually less hassle than the older two! Unfortunately after school club was too much for him when I first went back because so many of the older children didn't give him the space he needed and one of the teachers didn't always follow the guidelines we had given (according to our reliable oldest) and was ordering him about. As a result he was excluded after a week following a meltdown which is why we've gone down the nanny route.

Our first nanny was the first one I interviewed (although I did interview another who seemed okay) and I just knew she was "the one". She was perfect, too good to be true. The children loved her and she loved them. My son never melted down for her because she treated him as we told her to. Unfortunately after three months she had to move out the area because of her husband's work. We are friends on FB and she regularly posts on my posts about the children saying she misses them.

I hoped we'd find somebody again really fast but it took over a month and although I interviewed lots of nannies, it was awful. The first one seemed keen, a bit critical of her current employer but as soon as I asked for references basically said it wasn't for her. The second one wanted £15/hour in an area that pays £10/£11 at most. The third also seemed keen, said she'd send over her paperwork and then never bothered. Then there was nobody because I'd exhausted all the possibles and no new ones showed up. Finally somebody we know through the school happened to spot my profile on childcare.co.uk and said she was becoming available and got in touch.

She is lovely, the children like her, and she's been working for us three weeks now. Our son has been fine with her too, no meltdowns to report, or at least nothing serious. Today she handed in her notice (one week - we are SCREWED) because her grandfather needs looking after in his home full time and nobody else will do it. I think it's genuine because she hasn't seemed unhappy at all and I am a very easygoing person who gives them a lot of flexibility, and our children are usually very well behaved aside from a bit of normal sibling bickering! Neither nanny has had anything other than praise about them (their teachers say the same - it's not just mummy-goggles - ASD son improved immensely at school too once first nanny took over). And I personally try and be the employer I would want to have. If anything I'm too much of a pushover.

Have we just been really unlucky? Because there is NO WAY I can go through this with a third nanny. My ASD son was already really unsettled at the change of nanny the first time, it's going to be horrendous a second time and if it happens again, well, yeah. I've stated in my job advert VERY clearly that we need somebody long term too.

Going back to work has saved my sanity (I was seeing a doctor for depression and anxiety until I got my career back) but with unreliable childcare like this I don't think I can keep working. It's not fair on my children to keep flipping nannies like this, plus my anxiety means I get so stressed and upset with the interview process as I am so shy.

We've asked agencies in the past but they only seem to cater for full time nannies, and we only need after school plus holidays.

Is it normal for nannies to just not last more than a few months at best? When I take on a job in my career I intend it to be for the foreseeable, at least a few years. Because if so, I am going to have to hand my notice in and my dreams will be shattered. I'm already feeling sick and a wreck over having to do the nanny search yet again, especially as there's such a rush now, but to do this a fourth time this year if the next one falls through - I just can't. That'll be it.

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 08/08/2016 20:20

Thank you! Fingers crossed we have a bit of stability now for at least several months..!

OP posts:
selly24 · 08/08/2016 14:51

So glad you have found something that works! Xx

Original poster
CrispyFB · 08/08/2016 13:49

Thank you! Yes, I think with two nannies including one with a network, we're giving ourselves a lot more options. And our youngest will love getting to explore more - right now as lovely as her nursery is, it's just one place.

I'm guessing we have at least another decade of needing somebody after school at the very least.. right now that does feel like forever!!

OP posts:
LightTripper · 08/08/2016 13:30

When I say "should" I mean "is" - the nanny network is extremely useful when things go wrong (sickness etc) but also for babysitting or just finding out about events/activities.

LightTripper · 08/08/2016 13:29

So glad it worked out! Sounds like there should be a bit more flexibility built into your new arrangements for when things (inevitably) go wrong, so hopefully it will all work well and be worth the extra cash (and the nanny years aren't for ever, I always tell myself, not quite convincingly...)

Original poster
CrispyFB · 08/08/2016 12:52

So we have a new nanny :-)

Thanks to the suggestions here, we decided we'd be less likely to have future reliability problems if we went with a full time nanny. As stated, we can't afford that, but we have found a nanny who would like two full days a week (for our two year old) and after school on the third day for all four. She will have another family during the other times. She is very experienced (she was a childminder for years too) including in ASD, has full qualifications etc and of course seems lovely. She also has a good "nanny network" in case of sickness etc too.

Our current nanny will stay on doing one day a week as it seems she's been able to arrange that (so we're clearly not the family from hell!) and she may be able to do the odd fifth day too. The rest of the time, husband and I will try and time shift things at work or perhaps use after school clubs or a childminder if it's just one day. We'll see how it goes!

It's going to cost us a not insignificant amount more, but it's better that than giving up work..

Thank you for all your advice and suggestions :-)

OP posts:
callmedizzy · 08/08/2016 08:08

I can see you stated nanny but have you considered a childminder, if you ds. Was able to cope with afterschool club perhaps he could cope with a cm? Maybe worth looking at other options if you are struggling to find a nanny for the hours you need x

Original poster
CrispyFB · 05/08/2016 10:32

And in both cases, it wasn't that a better job came up. The first one genuinely relocated, and the second one really does have a family commitment that has cropped up. She's even considering seeing if she can cover one day a week for us if we can't get five days cover, so she's clearly not unhappy with the children or the salary.

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Original poster
CrispyFB · 05/08/2016 10:29

I'm not in London, and it's only three DC - they're 9, 7 and 5 so it's not like they're toddlers, and they're more than capable of being left unsupervised in the house. The 9 year old requires zero effort at home in particular, as she just wants to do her own thing - she doesn't join in. Even the 5 year old just sits playing computer games if he's at home unless there's an activity he wants to do.

If a nanny wants to bring her own child along, then yes, there will be more children, but she won't have any childcare costs. Ironically she'll be earning more than me as my salary covers childcare, travel and pension and that is it.

Both times I've employed a nanny, I've asked what they charge and they have said £10/hour and that's what they want. I'm hardly going to say "How about I pay you £12?" Every single local nanny who lists a salary on childcare.co.uk has between £8-£11 an hour, even the part time ones. The £15/hour one is still advertising (and logging in daily) two months later, and she has her own baby.

There's no higher education places near us, unfortunately.

It's probably worth making it clear I don't need mornings, I agree.

Hopefully the nanny I am seeing tomorrow will work out. She will cost us a bit more but not as much as a full time nanny would and if she's reliable and sticks around, it's worth it.

Good to know a temp might well be possible!

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 05/08/2016 10:07

It sounds like the money wasn't worth their while if something else came up. To be honest, you should be paying a higher rate if they are doing far shorter hours than a fulltime nanny on £10-11 an hour. Especially if they will be looking after four children including one with special needs. The request from one applicant of £15 an hour wasn't unreasonable.

FrankUnderwoodsWife · 05/08/2016 06:54

Sorry, but I can't imagine 4 DC for 4 hours a day at £10 p/h wouldn't be that attractive as for a nanny!
I have one DC and I'm in central London. I pay between £13-15 p/h for after school childcare!
I found an amazing woman who was doing a masters. She was looking to support herself whilst studying and found the after school hours really suited her. She was incredibly smart and helped with homework. I found her on childcare.co.uk

My advice would be, actively look for students doing HE, especially in the form of a masters or PHD. Their holidays would also mirror yours. They are very motivated as it is only a temporary situation for them.

Of course the downside is they will only be with you for a year.

selly24 · 05/08/2016 06:12

Temps at the main agencies tend to be people who just do temp and are between bookings or awaiting the start of as perm job.

mathanxiety · 04/08/2016 23:16

A temp might be doing mornings somewhere else. You should make it clear in your ad that you are willing to consider someone who works mornings - emphasise that there will be no sudden requests to cover mornings, that you have mornings 100% sorted.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 04/08/2016 11:09

We're sorted until term starts at least, but yes, if we haven't got somebody by then, we will definitely have to hire a temp! Assuming there are any who are happy to do after school only..

OP posts:
selly24 · 04/08/2016 10:43

Could you hire a temp (from a reputable agency) to fill in until the dust settles and you figure out how all will work?

Original poster
CrispyFB · 04/08/2016 09:58

Thanks! She seems promising, perfect on paper at least and very keen, and I'll meet her on Saturday for a chat. She can (probably) only do three days, but there's a chance our outgoing nanny might be able to cover one of the other days, and between DH and I, we can probably time-shift the last day in some way.

My only concern really is if she decides to leave too, and there's no longer space in nursery on the two days DD4 will have dropped. It's one thing DH coming home early to do school pick-up and then WFH but he can't regularly WFH two days a week all day until we find a replacement (and I certainly can't!) Ugh, so stressful.

OP posts:
LightTripper · 03/08/2016 14:11

Oooh that sounds promising - fingers crossed!

Original poster
CrispyFB · 03/08/2016 11:36

Thanks for all your replies!

In some ways a childminder could work - it's not been ruled out entirely, it's just I'd worry it would fail like after school club did and then we'd be screwed with no notice again. That was unbelievably stressful. I do know some of the local childminders and they are lovely (and my friend on FB in two cases - yes, I've obviously asked them if they know anyone!) but whether they have spaces is another matter as I have the impression spaces are very hard to come by from other parents. Spaces at after school club for the older two wouldn't be a problem, but they would lose their clubs (both clubs have waiting lists of over a year to get into, not even kidding) and it would end up costing more. It's an absolute last resort option really.

Also, selfishly, I love the fact a nanny does the children's laundry for the same price of a childminder or after school club. It is such a treat for us (DH is very good with housework, it's not all on me) and worth its weight in gold because we then have that time to spend with the children ourselves.

After school club was fine for the older two, but my ASD son found it hard to cope with the noise and chaos after a long day holding himself together at school. This meant he was a lot more susceptible to triggers and it takes a lot less to push him over the edge into meltdown. And from what my reliable oldest told me, at least one of the teachers was being strict with him despite everything we'd said. I did raise it as an issue, but by that point we'd pulled him out. He was a completely different boy for our nanny at home, our first nanny couldn't believe the stories I told her. So you see why I want a nanny really!

I agree a nanny isn't going to tell us everything in case she looks incompetent, but they have told us some stuff. I'd like to hope it was mostly the full story! Although I completely agree children can be so much worse on long school holiday days than they are for a few hours after school each day. I know it very well ;-)

When I said an ultimatum, I did of course mean a carefully worded flexible working request! It may be possible - a friend on another team has successfully negotiated her hours down to fit around her childcare problems. But that's another team, and there's lots of parents on her team. I'm the only woman and the only parent on mine and I don't think anyone really "gets" it and I don't want to be That Mother.

DH has been fab with being able to work from home/come home early to cover various childcare crisis - he is more than doing his part in that regard. But yes, his career went meteoric whilst mine stagnated for the 8 years I took out. He's very aware of this. Part of the reason for me returning to work is so I can have some independence again and a pension payment, as well as for my sanity and sense of self.

Some hopeful news - a nanny I previously had to turn down when we got our current one is still looking and I'm going to have a chat with her today. She's very keen to take DD4 a few days a week which I've agreed to from suggestions here, so if she does seem suitable, I'm hoping that means she'd be more likely to stick around. She has possibly also got a full day position on two days a week, so we'd need to find a solution for those but we probably could. Either way, she's more of a full time nanny, a bit older too, so hopefully a lot more likely to be reliable, right? :-)

OP posts:
Dozer · 03/08/2016 08:00

Another option could be a mix of care. Sometimes nannies who work 3 or 4 days a week look for extra work, often on a Friday. You cover 2 days already? perhaps your H could leave early one day a week and the DC could do after school care at a club or CM just for a short while.

mathanxiety · 03/08/2016 07:55

You are always going to have people up and leave if you are only offering PT work, because they are going to see you as a stopgap until they can get something FT (and preferably that pays better).

I agree an older lady might work well for you too as Nuffsaid suggests.

I think nanny sharing might be your best option. From the nanny's pov, s/he would be working full time, spread over two families. Picking up extra work is something many professional nannies want to do, partly because it spreads their risk if they get fired from one family for whatever reason, and partly because they want to earn more. You are lucky in that you are offering regular afternoon hours as far as I can tell, and not hours all over the place. You might dovetail with someone who currently works mornings.

Fwiw, your average nanny isn't going to tell you how difficult your children really are because they fear they would make themselves look incompetent. Children can be fine for a couple of hours but all day every day (as in school hols) they show their true colours.

What was it about the after school clubs that you struggled with?

Keep plugging away though. Don't give up your work. Do it if you love it. Don't fret over giving an example to your children , etc.

Dozer · 03/08/2016 07:17

Suggest look at CMs before ruling them out. You're making assumptions. Our CM was amazing, had a lovely cosy home and was great for my DC with SN.

I don't think it'd be reasonable or professional to "give work an ultimatum". You could make a flexible working request, but need to present this in positive terms and how it'd be OK for the business.

Where is your H in this? He is a parent too! You want/need to continue to work (and when looking at costs of childcare vs salary take into account the longer term - eg likely long term reduced options and much reduced earnings if you take time out - and benefits, pension etc too) so he should support that. Presumably while you have taken the economic hit of parenthood his career has continued FT+ : time for him to step up?

NuffSaidSam · 02/08/2016 23:27

Ok, so full-time nanny is a definite no. Although do factor in that unless you're in central London a newly qualified nanny or NWOC will not expect £10ph. That's the going rate for someone with a bit of experience and no child coming with them. Maybe do the sums on £8ph and see where that gets you.

How thoroughly have you looked into childminders? I appreciate it isn't the ideal of him being in his own home, but there are many wonderful childminders with experience of dealing with children with additional needs. It's not his own home, but at least it is a home....it's miles and miles better than an afterschool club. Could he not come to be relaxed and safe there, if you found someone who understood what he needs and supported him to settle in? Is it really not worth the risk of just making some phone calls and maybe meeting some of the childminders available? Apologies, if you've already done this!

The idea of a nanny share would be to avoid the part time problem! The nanny works full-time, but just not always with your children. From what you've said though, I'm not sure it would work.

If absolutely the only type of childcare you can use is an afterschool nanny, then you may be in a bit of trouble! I really hope it's third time lucky and you find someone who will stick around. Maybe an older lady would be good, someone semi-retired? More of a grandma figure than an experienced nanny, maybe worth advertising more widely.

Original poster
CrispyFB · 02/08/2016 20:47

I appreciate what you're saying, but the options aren't all valid. For instance we can't afford a full time nanny, it's just not possible even if it weren't for the socialising aspect. And that's if they gave up all their clubs too. Having worked it out properly, it's an extra £450 a month in real terms at £10/hour over what we pay now. No clubs cost that, even for three children.

DS would not do well at a childminder because he needs to be at home after school and just chill. Being in somebody else's house around other children who may not respect his needs and he has no place he can feel "safe" like he does at home - it's not a risk I want to take.

A nanny share might be possible but we're back to the same old issue of finding somebody who is happy to do part time!

My youngest is still anxious, she has always been that way. Very sensitive to attention, and avoids eye contact. I'm fairly sure she has ASD (for this and other reasons) so it's not anything she's learned from me.. inherited, perhaps! I keep my anxiety buried inside anyway - it's not related to the children at all, it's mostly social anxiety.

The only real possibilities if we can't find somebody are to basically give an ultimatum to work over my hours - I reduce them/compress them, or I leave. DH is already out the house 12-13 hours a day as he has a long commute, I don't think he could compress his hours or we'd never see him!

OP posts:
GinAndOnIt · 02/08/2016 17:28

Also, and I mean this in the kindest way, do you think your DD was anxious because you were anxious? It's a good sign that she settled so well/quickly into the nursery, and with a sociable nanny, I'm sure she'd be the same. Most nannies like to be out and meeting others a lot of the time.

NuffSaidSam · 02/08/2016 17:09

I really hope that you find someone who fits what you're looking for.

It's likely though that something is going to have to give, but it really doesn't need to be your career or mental health!

'....but DD loves nursery', '....but the holidays might be tricky'....'but the kids can't miss/change their afterschool activities'....they're not really things worth sacrificing your mental health over or becoming a resentful wasted professional for.

Your youngest will be ok out of her nursery and your elder two will cope with missing their activities for a couple of terms.

If this job is as important to you as you say, you are mad to be thinking about giving it up.

You have options;
-a full time nanny
-a childminder for all of them
-a childminder for DS and the girls at afterschool club.
-the girls at afterschool club and DS in a nanny-share.

Is it possible for you and/or DH to work condensed hours and do either a four-day week or a nine-day fortnight? Then you can keep one or two days worth of afterschool activities and use a childminder for the rest of the week.