Au pair took drugs. WWYD?

I also think some of you have been shockingly rude to Soupdragon.

If you can't make your point and disagree like an adult then maybe you should go back to Aibu?

How much longer is she meant to be with you OP?

As the host family you have a duty of care that is completely different from a normal employer/employee relationship.

It's hard to understand if you've not lived it.

I had an au pair who thought I would be her mother. She took the piss. This one sounds like a good au pair who made a mistake.

Op I posted previously saying that I'd probably keep her on so long as she was not likely to have another fit while in charge of the children.

A curfew and drug testing sound like reassuring options if you want to do it.

There is some merit in the "better the devil you know argument". Your next au pair could do all the same things but never have a fit and end up in hospital and you would never know. Or s/he might be a piss taker like my last one. Or s/he may not get along with you and your children. Or s/he might be brilliant and then do something stupid.

I remember being 19. I was reckless with my safety when out enjoying myself (although drugs weren't my thing) but at work I was diligent and hardworking. I also did some stupid things because I was young and learning. Thankfully work never found out because they happened out of work hours and there wasn't that blurring like there is with the au pair/host family arrangement.

If she had turned up to care for your children off her face or incapable I would be the first one telling you to let her go. But she didn't, so I'm not.

Yep cheap labour.

You can google it all you want - unless you've actually experienced it, you probably won't actually 'get' what it's like.

You don't have to be a host mother if it doesn't sit comfortably with you, but likewise, if that's the case, you probably wouldn't have an au pair join your family in the first place. The agencies we've used have all used the terms 'host family', 'host mum', 'host dad' - nobody's trying to change the language(?!), it's just the way it is.

I've had a look on a few sites just to check and not on one have I seen the op has to be the 'host' mother. None. I've also just looked at the history and why the term AP was 'born' - which was intresting.

It doesn't matter how much you change the language or pretend that your the 'mother' - money is still exchanged, contracts are signed- it's cheap labour labelled differently.

Not to derail the thread as its actually about a young lady employed (because it's not voluntary) taking drugs, being hospitalised then due to look after the kids.

Dutchcourage - do you even understand how it works? You 'host' an au pair. You're their 'host family'. The OP is her 'host mother'.

It's not a regular employer-employee relationship.

She's not on a payroll, she gets pocket money. Yep, she's not an employee, no employers NIC is being paid. Your mother could kick you out if you did drugs, but she couldn't fire you.

Same applies here.

Oh so the AP works for free? No I didn't think so.

Mother figure 😂😂

An au pair is not an employee, they are not staff. It's a completely different arrangement. The OP is not running a payroll for this girl. You host an au pair, you hire staff.

It sounds as though the OP has so far treated this girl properly. You act as extended family to your au pair. Toughen up as an employer? She's not an employer in any way, more of a mother figure who has welcomed someone into their home and sets rules accordingly.

Op I think you should give her another chance. I really think she has had a wake up call and if you and the kids really like her then it will be harder to replace her. I doubt she thought much about taking e and it was a spur of the moment decision. I very much doubt she will take another dangerous drug.

Ah well your kids your choice I suppose. Let's just hope you don't live to regret it.

You should toughen up as an employer though op, she isn't your friend. You pay her wages.

People questioning the screening by agencies of APs found quickly - if OP lives somewhere popular like London it's not very surprising that lots of people are lining up for jobs, already checked out etc.

I would still let her go as my trust would be gone, especially given you already suspected she was overdoing the booze/possibly drugs, and I couldn't be arsed having to think about curfews and such! She should have behaved more responsibly before this incident - my friends and I were all APs or in childcare jobs at that age and younger, and wouldn't have "partied" that hard the night before work.

She will be very worried indeed about not being able to get another job and having to go home early etc, but that's not your problem.

I would hope she had learned her lesson and give her another chance, but warn her that even the slightest whiff of any other drug related stuff, and she is out, no matter how much you like her.

I'd talk to her, lay down the law. If she has been good in all other respects then I'd give her a two strikes and you're out warning. I'd not mince my words.

I too was young once, and did stupid things.

She's been living in a new country, probably for the first time. She's got involved in a party scene, she's been having fun, she's 19 so practically a child in my eyes. If one of my teenage nieces did this I'd be supporting them while showing my total disappointment (hypocritical as it would be).

She's had a nasty shock, I'd bet she won't be doing it again. I'd be trying to build up trust, rather than fire her. I'd be treating her like family (she's an au pair not staff). I say this (even as an employer), she's young, she fucked up, imagine how she feels today. Let her stew then cut her some slack.

** This exactly under quote!

I get that you like her but your primary loyalty should lie with your children

Are you really willing to risk the safety of your children for this girl all because she shed a few tears and told you what you wanted to hear?

Stick to your guns op. Even if she isn't using herself on nights out her friends will be and there is till the chance she'd be getting them for friends etc and having them on her person. Plus you are doing her no favours to let her think she will get second chances over things like this if she wants to work with children - or in a lot of other careers actually.
I get that you like her but your primary loyalty should lie with your children.

Oh I'd keep her. Sounds like she has certainly learned her lesson.

I would not have someone who smoked canabis and took pills caring for my children or living in my house.

2nds I can't engage with you any more - way too antagonistic.

OP from your more recent posts it sounds like this was not a first time experimentation, so on balance I think you've made the right choice. Great that you gave it proper consideration rather than a knee jerk reaction. Hope the process isn't too painful for you.

Dogs not figs