How do I ask my au pair to wash her hair???

I would just say 'it's important that you are a role model for the children, and I want them to see adults have clean hair and are well presented'.

Having greasy hair doesn't mean her hygiene is inadequate. You wouldn't say that someone with dry or frizzy hair had hygiene issues.

I really, really don't think you can dictate how often she washed her hair or how "clean" you want her to keep it.
However, it may be less unreasonable to ask her to tie her hair back while she is on duty. I know a lot of nursery expect their staff to tie hair back if it is not short.

I also think you just have to be blunt.

I would perhaps say YABU if your children weren't old enough to be picking up on it etc- but as they are, and they are questioning why they can't do the same, YANBU. Naturally you are your children's parent and as you make the decisions on what is best for them- you need to encourage your nanny to partake in personal hygiene. Just be blunt. Kind but blunt. Just details the reasons that you have said on here and I don't think you would BU to do so.

I will be honest and say I can be super lazy when it comes to washing my hair- it's super thick and wavy so can take over an hour to wash, condition and dry into a managable style. I wash it once/twice a week. Daily washing is uncessecary- if anything it will strip the hair of it's natural oils and will ruin your hair.

Go and buy some nice shampoo and conditioner, sit down with your nanny tonight and have a chat.

I would just have a not-about-anything cup of tea with her and sneakily work a suggestion in, like 'Oh! I tried this amazing shampoo the other day, it was 2 for 1 so you can have a bottle if you like. It really cleanses your hair which is great because my hair gets really greasy, which isn't great, etc. etc.'

"You are picking up some parenting responsibility in the absence of her mum. That isn't condescending, it's the reality of living with young adults."
Condescending and sexist imo. I was living as a lodger 300 miles away from parents at 19. I'd have been horrified if my landlord felt in loco parentis.
If you say something to her (and I thibk you should ) it needs to be as one grown up to another.

I wouldn't bother with all this angst'ing, just tell her that you've noticed her hair looks greasy and that you would like her to wash it more often. If you really want to soften the blow you could say that the water in your area is particularly soft or hard or whatever and that she might be using too little or too much shampoo or conditioner but leave it at that. Short and simple is the way to go.

Don't say anything about being a role model.

And yes greasy hair does smell.
The person who has the greasy hair might think it doesn't, but trust me, it does.

Mention her hair looks a bit greasy, ask if she needs a different shampoo. If you're going to say anything at all, you might as well get it over with. This is how I used to poke my sisters into washing their hair, although it came naturally so probably sounded a bit more genuine.

Was she clean at interview?

I feel your pain. I can't stand being around smelly people and smelly hair is truly horrible.
You and your children shouldn't have to put up with a dirty smell in your home environment.

Is she doing that 'if i dont wash my hair for long enough, my hair will start cleaning itself' thing?

Would you like someone with greasy hair looking after your children? Hygiene is a fairly key point with childcare.

I really wouldn't mind. One of the women who worked at my son's nursery had unattractively lank and greasy hair, wore scruffy tracksuit bottoms and t shirt etc. She was lovely, kind, gentle, had sound childcare practice. She didn't smell, so I presume she was fundamentally clean, and beyond that I genuinely don't see the issue. The fact that her hair was greasy didn't mean she was carrying diseases, or wouldn't ensure he washed his hands after using the toilet, or whatever, so I am really still lost as to why it might make her unsuitable for working in childcare. In terms of role modelling the only things that matter to me - kindness, patience, conflict resolution, being interested in the world, having fun - she was excellent.

Running fingers through hair then touching things - yes, sympathies. Although again, that's true of anyone who uses any kind of product on their hair. I can't help inwardly wincing when my son cuddles up under my chin if his scalp has recently been oiled, because I'm instinctively like 'nooo! Get your oil off my poor spot-prone face!' but I have to manage that reaction, because I love that he's cuddling me and his hair needs oiling. In a way, this isn't the same thing (his hair needs oil vs your nanny's needs washing, etc) - but it amounts to the same thing.

In any other employment context, I still don't get it. Employees or colleagues smelling, yes, intervene. Whether a nanny/au pair or someone in a huge office. It affects you because having to smell something unpleasant is not nice. Genuinely don't see how unwashed hair is comparable.

Fwiw OP I think Orwell is right that it's other people's attitudes on this thread that are worrying, rather than yours - I don't think it was you who said to tell her to wash her hair every day, which is quite frankly awful for almost everyone's hair. And I'm sorry that you think I was being unkind or unhelpful by checking whether she was able to lock doors and make sure nobody could come in while she was using the shower - I meant it as helpful. I remember, when I was much the same age as her, being uncomfortable using bathrooms at other people's houses if I couldn't lock the door. Not because I particularly thought they would come in on me, but I felt vulnerable around it, it was an issue I had, and thought was worth eliminating this possibility in your case.

Please do double check she can work the shower.

OP you sound very fair, but some comments on here are worrying. Nanny = employee. To those of you in responsible / managerial positions: if one of your team
Had greasy hair that wasn't causing problems other than you not enjoying the sight of it, then you would be v v v unreasonable to question it! And sorry, but you're not her mum, you're her boss. If it's causing mess or is smelly, then yes you need to ask her to ensure she washes her hair at least once per week. If it's not smelly, then it's not your problem. And maybe she doesn't like the DC braiding her hair. I was a nanny for 3 years and I wouldn't allow the LO's to play with my hair, I just don't like having my hair touched. Point is, it's my hair!!

And as a nanny you are in direct contact with children and you need to be clean. I remember turning up for work once and our boiler was broken and the first thing I did was apologise and had a shower as soon as my charge had a nap! That was once in umpteen years otherwise it was squeaky clean all the way!

I disagree that it's not your business if she washes her hair. If she was working in an office and there were complaints then HR would deal with it. Look how many threads there are on here about colleagues who don't wash and how grim it is.

YY Pearlman.

This thread is making me cross now.

OP your latest post suggests the au pair/nanny may have no way of properly locking the door when she's using the shower (either the bathroom door or her bedroom door) - is that the case?

It may be the case she just has different ideas about what is an appropriate frequency of hair washing (if any employer told me I had to wash mine daily I'd want to take them to a tribunal, frankly) - but I also wonder whether this is bothering her. You know that none of the family would come in on her unexpectedly, but she's not able to make sure of it.

Still baffled by the need for her to set a good example by keeping her hair clean, though. Do you also expect her to eat up all her peas, go to bed at 8pm, make her bed after breakfast, in order to "be a good example"? Adults necessarily have more autonomy of their own bodies and habits, compared with children.

I would buy some Tresemme and give it to her and say, you have to try this, it is lovely. I bought extra cos it was on special offer...

I like IrenetheQuaint suggestion