Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Oh bother - how much notice do you give to kids' feelings about childcare?

33 replies

Bluebear · 14/01/2007 19:42

We are trying to find a not-too-expensive alternative to our imperfect nanny. I finally find a childminder that not only does the pick ups from the right school but also has 2 vacancies which will just about do for my children.
We've emailed, spoken, seen the draft contracts, visted, seen lots of impressive pictures and timetables and certificates and we are sure that she would provide better childcare than nanny...but....she has a young daughter who spent the time of our visit by saying 'big sticky poo, wee, bot' at regular intervals (not because she needed the toilet, just out of fun, as you do)...and ds has taken great offence to it.
So, do I rail road him into accepting this childminder (and her 'rude' daughter, or do I hang on with current nanny in the knowledge that in 5 years of keeping an eye open this is the only local CM who comes close to having the right vacancies.
I've tried suggesting to him that he has a 'trial' day (it's only before and after school really) but he is adamant he doesn't want to see the girl again.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
lmcalder · 18/01/2007 22:03

oh!

The poor cm - I remember when my son did something really embarrasing when I had a prospective client round. I was mortified. My son was just excited and this was how he dealt with it. The parents did decide to send their child to my obviously 'mad house'!!!

I would arrange another visit - try explaining to your son that she is a bit younger (or tell him the truth - that girls do & say weird things!!!)

Good luck

StrawberrySnowflakes · 15/01/2007 12:37

my dd recently went through a stage of calling everything poop or poopy head, she thought it was hilarious, i said it wasnt nice, school said it wasnt nice, didnt 'tell her off' really though as its just a word shes picked up and never bothers now..friend and her ds were astounded when they heard her say it???..kids are kids, they pick up words(and he had a habit of saying 'bugger' when his mum wasnt around!..d rather a 3 yr old say poop than bugger!)
if thats the 'only' problem id try your ds on a trial day, hell prob love it

tigermoth · 15/01/2007 07:58

It's a diffucult one as you say your son is quite sensitive to other children and also dislikes change.

But, if you don't progress with this CM due to his views about the girl, it might be setting a precedent.(You say he has done sort of thing before). He might start thinking he only has to say he does not like someone and you will do as he says. So at the very least, if you decide to drop the CM, I would tell him someone else took the vacancy etc, not that you are doing it because he didn't like the girl.

I was going to suggest the same as babynick - get your ds to go for a trial day and ask the CM to do an activity that your ds particularly enjoys.

nannynick · 15/01/2007 07:29

Have you told him that it is what you want to happen... he may be telling you his view based on what he thinks you want to hear.

Aim for the second visit, make it a longer stay if possible so that he gets more time to get used to the new environment.

See if the CM has anything which your DS is currently into... toys/games that sort of thing related to your DS current favourite topic.

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 22:25

In theory the room is big enough for us to share (although we would have to move both of them in to avoid really bad bedtime riots) - In practise I think it will be easier to sell the house if beds are in normal places (house goes 'on the market' first weekend in feb, so not long to go now).
My plan for now is to suggest another visit to ds and, if I can persuade him into it, email CM and explain the problem, then re-visit and see what happens.
If that plan fails I'll stick with dodgy nanny for now and when all rooms are painted etc. will raise issue of au pair/live-in nanny with dh....since dh is away from home 4 nights a week I'd quite like the company, so it's worth a thought....wonder if we recruit an au pair to stay in west london, whether they'ld move with us to a tiny village - hee hee.

Thank you to everyone for your help.

OP posts:
wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 14/01/2007 21:49

just a thought ,could you not let one of the DC sleep in your bed room and get the au pair now .

Ladymuck · 14/01/2007 21:33

Well it is possible to get a temp nanny, but note the issue about cost.

My personal instinct would be to avoid the situation and get something else, but I may be biased because we're not that short of cash. Is there anyway of stretching your budget for the 6 months or so that you might need to get a dedicated nanny?

Sorry - it is horrible when you feel forced into compromises on childcare isn't it? I guess you could also talk to the childminder about it and get her views? She sounds very good so would be interesting to get her input too?

pointydog · 14/01/2007 21:31

personally I would railroad the kids into it. I make the childcare decisions, I tell 'em what's happening and there's no negotiation.

Which sounds hard, but it's a difficult stressful business finding suitable childcare.

I do feel for you 'cause children find it just as hard to adapt to change as adults and it must be pretty crappy at the beginning not being able to relax when you want in your own house.

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 21:19

Oh, and we are def. thinking about au pair when we move ( only need 21 hours childcare then), but who knows how long it's going to be before we complete the house sale.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 21:16

Nanny has done a few things that we weren't happy about over the last 3 months ( took children to her parents smokey house to watch tv rather than look after them properly for a couple of days, fed my vegetarian dd on chicken, asking for time off at v short notice, taking time off sick due to tiredness as her own child had kept her up at night ) so we have been quite unhappy and stressed about her, hence looking for a change.
Dd is in preschool for 3 sessions at the moment and on a waiting list for 5 sessions so we could use an au pair if we had a spare room, but we won't have room for at least a month or so, and then, with the house on the market, I wouldn't think an au pair would be so happy to have his/her room inspected by strangers regularly.
We are working with the nanny at the moment, trying to help her see what we expect, and how to achieve it but she has a lot of personal problems right now and is pretty distracted/depressed.

OP posts:
shosha · 14/01/2007 21:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 20:46

DD was fine - in fact, both of them settled very well and played nicely whilst they were there (with dh and I having our hopes raised) but dd is not very vocal ( also on the waiting list for a hearing check ) and didn't mutter a word except asking me to take her to the toilet (whispered in my ear) the whole time she was there. She is, in general, a lot more adaptable and just happier than ds. When I asked her if she would like to go back she also said 'no' though.
Can't afford another live-out nanny at the moment and don't want to start up another nanny share when we want to move out of this area before Sept. Don't have a spare room for a live-in nanny at the moment (due to redecorating to help house sale). And my house is totally full of kid's toys ( we have up to 5 children playing in it each weekday) so our reasoning was that a CM would be affordable and would mean we could put a lot of toys into storage, plus no children in the house during working hour viewings.

Estate agent has thrown us a bit of a life line by suggesting we pre-market the house and book anyone interested (if there is anyone) for a viewing on an 'open day' so we can flee the house with clutter and kids for the day. This is meant to be an efficient way of marketing houses in our area, so we are going to give it a go. Not-perfect nanny has been a little better recently (although still not perfect ;) ) hasn't endangered the children, just lost ds's scooter and asked for leave at short notice again.

OP posts:
shosha · 14/01/2007 20:34

Message withdrawn

Ladymuck · 14/01/2007 20:25

Does he get on better with boys or girls? Instinctively from the very little you've said I would have thought that he might get on best with an older girl or a boy of around the same age or marginally younger?

But of course that would be just adding to an almost impossible list of attributes for the ideal childminder...

If the current co-mindee is a significant factor in making the move, and so far your ds doesn't like the new co-mindee, then I would probably continue the search I'm afraid. A trial day might be good, but also a lot of faff given we're in termtime again.

One further comment on the bilingual point:- it so happens that our schoolrun family are bilingual - they speak Spanish at home. One problem that we had is that whenever the other mother was reprimanding her son (for teasing ds) she would do so in Spanish and therefore ds didn't understand what was being said.

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 20:14

Hmm Ladymuck - Ds is particularly not good at socialising or having his routine changed - which is one of our major reasons for employing a nanny since he started school (we found a CM who would have him (but not dd - she would have had to stay in day nursery) and he liked the CM but refused to go because of the other children.
He has been 'hearing' since easter and has come on leaps and bounds with his social skills, is much less shy and more adaptable..but we are worried his hearing is going again so I guess we may see a return to his old self.

One of the reasons (low down) on my list of 'reasons for getting rid of nanny' is that he isn't getting on with a little girl who we 'nannyshare' with....but i asked him which he preferred girl X or CM's girl and he said girl X.

OP posts:
Ladymuck · 14/01/2007 20:09

I think that the answer depends on how well your child manages change, and situations with other children in general.

It isn't quite the same but I started sharing the school run with another family in our road last term. My 5yo ds doesn't particularly like the other child (who is in the sme class), and really wasn't keen, but the arrangement made practical sense.

By the 4th week of the arrangement ds's behaviour at school had deteriorated to the point that the teacher called me to find out what was going on. Shortly thereafter he refused point blank to leave with the other mother, though eventually a number of people managed to persuade him that that was the only way he was going to get home.

We stopped the arrangement and he reverted to his normal self within a day or so. The teacher couldn't believe the impact it had had on his behaviour (bearing in mind that the journey in 15 minutes door to door).
I think that you need to consider what the impact will be on your son if he feels he is trapped in a situation where he doesn't feel comfortable. Some children are very adaptable, and it may be the case that he will get over it in a week or so. But others are less adaptable and may feel very threatened by the situation. I have another son who would have reacted very differently in the same situation so I don't think that there is one clear answer.

However I know the pain you're going through. Fidning the right childcare is a nightmare at times!

brimfull · 14/01/2007 20:07

If it helps my son has had a toilet humour phase,it's quite embarassing.I was rubbish at ignoring it though.

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 20:07

The situation was made more 'impressive' by the fact that the little girl is bilingual, so spoke in her mother tongue for all other reasons, and only said the 'big sticky poo' etc in english - so from ds's point of view, that was all she actually said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 20:05

At least none of you have said that I am cruel to attempt another visit and persevere for a while. Which is what I was most worried about.

OP posts:
brimfull · 14/01/2007 20:03

Lol at big sticky poo!!
I'd tell him he needs to teach her some manners as he's a big boy.play on that side of it,she was only trying to impress him etc.
I would still send him.

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 20:03

Lots and lots of x posts

Can't remember him going through a poo obsessed stage - he wasn't very vocal ( has been hearing impaired and speech delayed for a lot of his life) so with him it's mainly been screaming and screeching and all out melt-down tantrums (still is, at home, to be honest...though he can hold it together when at school/with childcarer)
Am tempted to search mn archives to see if I vented my frustration on his foibles(?sp) on here!

OP posts:
Katymac · 14/01/2007 20:00

Ask the family - they will remember at least mine do

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 19:59

I'm trying to remember a 'ds embarrassing at age 3' story, but he was so badly behaved I think I've blocked the memories :O

OP posts:
Katymac · 14/01/2007 19:59

I would have ignored it too

I think another visit would be good - Lots of crossed posts here

Was he ever poo obsessed?

Original poster
Bluebear · 14/01/2007 19:57

Girl was about 3 and a half - ds is 5 and a half by the way.
CM didn't turn a hair - but then, that doesn't mean she condones it, does it...I would have thought that making a comment to her dd would give her the attention she was wanting and therefore encourage it. ??

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread