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Original poster

Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

210 replies

flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 11:56

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

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Original poster
flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 12:43

I'm not with an agency, I went through a website to find them because I can only do it til September (returning to uni after). I think after this experience I'll stop because I don't feel like I want to run the risk of ending up with another family like this. The reason I chose this family is because they are lovely people, the mum herself was an au pair. They are very generous in other ways, they gave me half for my plane ticket and have taken us out to eat but I just don't feel happy here. I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinised.

They do some of the household chores but it is mainly me who does them while the mum is at work. They have a cleaner too but if I left the house in the state it's in when they go to school/work, I would probably get told off. I woke up this morning to the mum going out and calling me to wake me up to look after the kid. She's also left a note on the washing machine asking me to not put the girl's dance clothes in the tumble dryer instead of telling me directly. I don't know these things but it seems as though they expect me to grasp everything or know it all already. I'm really stressed about tomorrow and Wednesday because the kids have activities and I have no idea where I'm going but she's written me directions that I'm meant to read while driving.

I don't know if I'm being overdramatic but this is not what I expected at all. I love the kids but I can't see myself carrying on like this.

OP posts:
wallywobbles · 02/05/2016 12:31

OK just to be clear I have au pairs and I am in France. I think you should quit, but I'm going to give you some information to look at so you are coming at this from a position of a bit more knowledge and strength.

First, instead of going home, have a look at the HelpX and Workaway sites and see if you can find another family to go to. You wouldn't be a proper au pair but you'd see a bit of France and if you were unhappy you can just leave.

But to your current problem. The first thing you need to be sure of is if you are a stagiaire aide familiale or an au pair.

www.magicmaman.com/,comment-engager-une-fille-au-pair,142,5535.asp has a lot of information from the hosts point of view.
asso.intersejours.free.fr/accueiljeunefilleaupair.htm - this sets out the legal stuff pretty clearly

The au pair contracts are amazingly restrictive in France. Your contract sounds totally illegal. I don't think you can work more than 5 hours a day, but you really need to find out by looking at the French government sites.

Whatever, you definitely cannot work more than 30 hours. (You need to keep a record of hours worked, and you need to ask whether they will be paying overtime or time off in lieu).

You should be following a minimum of 10 hours of French lessons a week. Its up to them to sort this out for you and pay for it.

You can be asked to baby sitting in the evening - up to 3 times per week.
You might only have 1 day off a week.

My stagiaire aide familiale costs me around 11000€ a year, over and above food and accommodation, partly because I pay her school fees and of course the social security which is a bloody fortune.

They should be declaring you to URSSAF using a Cerfa 11469 form. My guess is that they are not.

You should go to your local URSAFF office and ask, you must be declared to them in the first 8 days of your employment, but by the family. Also CPAM (for health care) in those first 8 days.
You should have signed an official contract which is drawn up by the DDTE, and they also have to sign off on you being an au pair.

It's not a simple process to host in France. But it doesn't give them the right to treat you like this. Employment law in France means that workers are extremely protected.

WellErrr · 02/05/2016 12:19

Go home.
This is not typical, they are exploiting you. You don't owe them notice it an explanation.

Kidnapped · 02/05/2016 12:16

What do you want to do? There's no point staying with this family even if they have assurances that things will be different. They've shown you that they expect you to be the family slave.

Would you rather stay in France but with a different family who will hopefully be nicer? Are you with an agency? Can they help you?

If you just want to go home, that's fine. You'll have to talk to the parents, tell them that the job isn't what you expected and that you will be leaving. Maybe give them a week to find someone else if you are feeling generous. If they kick off about that then you just leave immediately.

annandale · 02/05/2016 12:13

Are you there through an agency? If so, call them for advice.

If not, pack your bags on the quiet, make a list of what you are prepared to do, hand it to them, expect them to kick off at which you just walk out; but if they don't, give it one more week.

If you do it again, go through an agency.

Naoko · 02/05/2016 12:12

Go home. They're exploiting you.

dailymailphequers · 02/05/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/05/2016 12:03

And NO toilet overnight

LaurieFairyCake · 02/05/2016 12:03

They're not at all nice!

They've broken every single promise they made and expect an actual slave! You get paid according to how well you do Shock
They don't give you the days off they're supposed to
And they've given you a load of extra duties
And I fucking toilet over night !

Go home right now.

notapizzaeater · 02/05/2016 12:01

Lives too short, they've not kept yo there side of the bargain, I'd be off !