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Original poster

Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

210 replies

flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 11:56

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

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BoboChic · 03/05/2016 11:37

Stop thinking about it and leave. It isn't worth dissecting and analysing - it's just not good enough.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/05/2016 11:33

Pack your bags. Really life is too short for nonsense like this. You gave it a go, they took the piss, you left. That's a good outcome.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 11:23

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark, if I was registered through CPAM etc would I have had to sign anything? It's just that I've been given zero paperwork or anything.

There's really no clear cut separation of my hours and free time. I think I am 'on duty' until the kids go to bed, which is at 8.30-9pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 11:08

I think the reason why my expectations are low is because I've never done this before and I really don't know if I'm overreacting. I don't really know if I'm being a princess because they do pay for my petrol and my food as well as giving me a really nice room in this house and weeks off in summer, they often take their au pairs travelling with them etc, I don't have to get up early unless the kids are off/sick or the parents are going to work early like at the weekends, but I'm really quite shocked that despite their work being really busy they left me alone with their sick 5 year old all day yesterday.

They've had a lot of au pairs before but I don't know if they had to do half as much as I'm having to. I don't think they're very happy with me today because last night the cat pissed all over their bed, but they were here so it didn't happen when I was here alone. I'm just quite irritated that my days/time off have been spent looking after a really sick kid who doesn't really want me, he just wants his mum. I understand that au pairs are meant to be part of the family and pitch in but I think there's a limit.

LyndaNotLinda & SnoozeButtonAbuser, I'm obviously not happy at all re taking all the kids in the car.. especially when I don't know the way. I'm so anxious about it, I feel quite sick thinking about what I have to do later. I'm also not happy because it was never ever mentioned that I would be taking other peoples' kids around. I think they view me as a sort of nanny rather than an au pair.

I just know that this weekend I'm gonna be left alone during the days while the kids aren't there, so I'm really not looking forward to that. potoftea, that made me laugh, my mum is furious with them because of the whole caravan fiasco. My boyfriend has told me I can always go to his, for as long as I want if I want to. It's just his flatmates. But I think if it comes down to it, I could put up with them.

Radiatorvalves what do I do if I don't have a contract? Do you think this is bad? I really don't know what to expect or think. How do I have the conversation? I'm sorry for all these questions, I just don't know what to do.

I just really really wish I could stay at the house this weekend, instead I'm having to go to the campsite with them all even though the kids aren't going to be there.

OP posts:
ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 03/05/2016 11:00

Ex au-pair here. And my family really were nice. Yours are not. At all.

Just think of these few things: if anything happens on your watch, you are illegally employed and wouldn't have a leg to stand on. EU bollocks. You need a contract. The only reason for them not giving you one is so you have no rights and no comeback.

Really, they are not nice.

sparechange · 03/05/2016 11:00

Of course the kids really like you! You won't/don't tell them off, and ferry them to all their fun activities.

The Au Pair experience is about learning more than a language. It is about learning life skills and independence, which will serve you later in life.
That absolutely includes standing up for yourself, not being emotionally blackmailed, and not being lied to about jobs.

From the sounds of it, this family burns through Au Pairs, so it isn't going to turn their wold upside down if you leave. If it was, they would have learned their lesson before now and started treating them better!

It is a very unhealthy pattern for you to fall into where you overlook huge, huge problems when they show you a small chink of kindness. A couple of meals out does not balance or outweigh that they are treating you like crap all week.

Don't get into that mindset. Boyfriends, employers, family members will take advantage of it and you will potentially fall into a pattern of unhealthy relationships with a range of people.

Go home, and see if you can find a better job nearer your boyfriend for the summer. They'll be plenty of jobs in holiday camps etc which won't need formal childcare qualifications but give you set hours and accommodation.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/05/2016 10:53

Just leave. They are exploiting you.

Some of the stuff doesn't sound terrible like leaving you a note about the dance stuff (especially in the label says don't tumble dry!) but the stuff that matters like hours, duties, expectation, access to a working toilet and being properly registered as required by law really, really do.

Pack your bags, book your flight and get the hell out of there.

BoboChic · 03/05/2016 10:50

This is slave labour and completely illegal! Leave!

traviata · 03/05/2016 10:48

"nice people' - but not good or reasonable employers, not honest with you, not being at all fair with you.

'nice people' - who treat you badly. No toilet! Locking you out overnight! Expecting you to drive strange children in a strange town without proper arrangements. Threatening to withhold your money if you don't meet some notional performance standard. These are totally unacceptable.

It's good that the children seem to have taken to you, that shows you have made a good effort in bonding with them, but it is not by itself enough to justify you putting up with this treatment.

Elvisrocks · 03/05/2016 10:46

You need to leave by Thursday at the very latest. They are treating you appallingly. Lots of my friends in England have au pairs and they are meticulous about sticking to the agreed hours and generally not taking the piss, like your host family is doing.

TheHobbitMum · 03/05/2016 10:40

Absolutely don't feel guilty in staying! They are being grossly unfair on you, leave asap. You owe them nothing x

potoftea · 03/05/2016 10:33

I think your expectations of how you should be treated are quiet low. These people may have some nice ways and actions but they are not treating you well or fairly. You seem reluctant to criticise them and are blaming yourself for not being up to standard. But lots of people here are telling you, they are exploiting your good nature and being there for the next 4 months will make you very unhappy.
Cut your losses and leave. Its a life experience and not everything we try turns out well, but you've given this a good try but its not a positive thing for you, so move on. Could you spend a week in Bordeaux maybe staying in a hostel and see is there any work there, before deciding to leave?
But as a mother of students around your age, I want to fly over and drag you out of there, you are worth so much more than this treatment.

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 03/05/2016 10:32

Tell them you are NOT taking 5 kids in the car. They can tell you which kid not to take, or you won't take any. Tell them you worked 50 hours last week - write down what you did each day. Tell them you didn't get even 1 day off, let alone 2. Then tell them you aren't happy and you are leaving at the first opportunity which is [whatever day ASAP]. You keep saying they are nice people. NO they're not. At all. leave.

Radiatorvalves · 03/05/2016 10:29

I had a pretty miserable AP experience in france when I was your age.

Speaking as an older wiser mum and employer of APs, you need to leave. You could sit down and explain to them that what is happening is NOT what you signed up for and you cannot continue. You do not need to work your notice. Sure it would be nice, but in the circumstances, they are in breach of contract, so you can walk out immediately,

Good luck.

There are some lovely French families.....you may well find another one for the rest of the summer. Don't give up hope.

LyndaNotLinda · 03/05/2016 10:16

How are you free to go out and see the area if you're working a 59 hour week??!

They're relying on you being a nice person so that they can exploit you. And if you take more kids in the car than you're legally allowed to, you're a fool. You'll get the rap, not them.

Don't give notice, just leave. You owe these people nothing

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 09:56

I think I will be able to just leave if I give them my notice. I do feel very bad though as they told me yesterday they really want me to go out and see the area and I'm free to do so. They paid me €100 today. I've totted up my 'hours' and today I'll have done well over 40, nearly 50 hours in a week. The mum spoke to me last night and said she thinks the kids really like me, so I feel kind of trapped.

We're off to the campsite tonight, we'll be there all weekend which I'm really dreading. The kids are away from Thursday til Sunday, so I'm off. I was hoping to go see my boyfriend but he's working nights all weekend so there's no point in me going. I'm at home today with the youngest because he's still sick.

I have to take the eldest child and one of her friends to their singing lesson tonight, and I'm worrying because I don't know the way. I'm also absolutely dreading tomorrow because I have to take the kids to all their activities and at one point I'll have 5 kids in the car so if I get stopped I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. I also really don't know where I'm going tomorrow either so I'm feeling really anxious.

I would love to go be with my boyfriend for a few months but he lives with roommates and I don't think I could cope with their lifestyle as he's the only one who works in the flat. I would probably get very resentful living there because they're at home all day every day doing nothing and I'm always exhausted after a week there.

I definitely haven't been declared and I'm absolutely dreading living out of the caravan in the summer :(

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 02/05/2016 15:06

I'd be tempted to stop off with the boyfriend for a while. Bordeaux is a decent size place. You could pick up some bar or babysitting work there as we head into the tourist season. It's already May now so I'd want to stay in France for the summer rather than heading straight back home.

But if you really feel that you want to go home then you should do that ASAP.

sandgrown · 02/05/2016 15:05

I ended up in a,situation like yours many years ago. Fortunately I had a return ticket so I sneaked out one morning and just left a note. I sat at the bus stop willing a bus to arrive before they found out I had gone!

LyndaNotLinda · 02/05/2016 14:57

Just walk out. They aren't nice. They're employing you illegally.

Grab your stuff and leave.

CallMeMousie · 02/05/2016 14:30

Pack up and leave! Life's too short and they're treating you awfully.

Another thought - is your hometown twinned with anywhere in France? When I was your age the twinning committee (or whatever it's called) arranged for me to stay with families in our twin town and teach English/do some light au pair work. It was great and all the families were well vetted.

If you're boyfriend lives in Bordeaux, can't he find you some work there? Maybe in a bar or a hotel, or perhaps put up a card and do native speaker conversation lessons for children and adults? You should be able to pick something up and be near him for a couple of months (disclaimer: my experiences of casual work in Europe are all 15 years old and I know the economic climate has changed since then!)

IceMaiden73 · 02/05/2016 14:11

I'd just pack up and leave x

TheoriginalLEM · 02/05/2016 14:08

Oh love go home! This IS NOT how you should be treated, just pack up and leave. GO home and regroup . Find a nicer family and start again.

Booboostwo · 02/05/2016 14:03

What they are doing is both illegal and unfair. I am also in France and au pair rules are very strict here. Your EU nationality is neither here nor there, they are avoiding a lot of taxes by not declaring you. In addition they don't sound like nice people to work for.

Can you just leave?

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 13:06

Thank you so much WallyWobbles for all your knowledge and links.

I don't actually have a contract, and no I'm not being declared. I think because I'm an EU citizen they just don't see the point in declaring me. The job is cash in hand. I don't get language lessons at all (let's face it, I don't have the bloody time), and I don't have social security. I'm only meant to be here for 4 months so I don't know if that's something they saw fit to do. I have travel insurance covering me at the moment. They have employed me as a JFP, so I'm well aware of the 30 hour time limit. She said at first they wouldn't need me much, but obviously that's a lie. As I said though, I don't have health insurance paid by them or anything. I have not submitted any paperwork or anything like that. I think I've been pretty foolish.

My boyfriend is French and based in Bordeaux so that's why I wanted to come here, so I can improve my French alongside seeing a different part of the country and helping a family out so I can earn money. I'm actually nearer to Nice, so not anywhere near him. The distance doesn't bother me as we're obviously used to it but as the summer approaches I will have less time to myself to be sociable.

I was in touch with another family who seemed to be doing things very much by the book, but I expect they have found someone else now. I really do just want to go home.

The father is very annoying and gave me a lecture on what I can/can't mention to the people who work for him. They are really nice people but I just feel so uncomfortable when they're around. When it's just me and the kids we have a great time, I'm just watching videos with the little one now, but when the parents come home I really struggle. The mum has yet to come home or check on the kid.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 02/05/2016 12:47

Flossybee123 it is such a shame you have been treated so badly and that your family has not kept to any agreements.

It is lucky that WallyWobbles knows so much.

Have you thought of making a time table with grids covering the dates and times for the time you have been there then filling it in to show how much you have done including hours?

Then you could also make 2 pie charts - one with the agreed activities, another with what actually happened. They could include times spent if possible.

Last a list of agreements on one side, ticked or crossed with the broken agreement described on the other.

Maybe on paper you could show them.

This would be to see if they change and you could stay, or to show them what they have done if you decide not to stay - which would be understandable to say the least.

The father sounds especially annoying.

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