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Original poster

Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

210 replies

flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 11:56

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

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Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 11:46

I also have nearly €500 as backup money so that's not an issue - I will find the number for a taxi company and start packing my bags so that I can get out fast if I need to.

OP posts:
Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 11:44

Don't worry - my boyfriend is well aware of the situation so if things go downhill I will get a taxi, jump on the train and go to his. He's always said I'm welcome any time and I can stay for as long as I want to.

I will be keeping a close eye on them now but I think they know they can't mess me around because I will put my foot down. I'm not here to be taken advantage of anymore. I am ok to continue until they find someone else, but I've said 2-3 weeks is the maximum I'm willing to do. They've agreed to keep paying me the same amount and are going to make some changes.

I know I shouldn't trust them, but similarly they can't really trust me because if it comes to it I will just go.

OP posts:
traviata · 04/05/2016 11:14

Excellent work.

But I still wouldn't trust them...so start acting now to give yourself an exit.

Look at possible other jobs, plan your next move - just in case the laughter and the friendly feelings have evaporated by tomorrow.

INeedNewShoes · 04/05/2016 11:00

Good for you OP.

I was an exploited au pair once upon a time. Unfortunately I was far slower off the mark than you to realise that the situation wasn't right and it was too difficult to leave the children at that point.

I admire your courage and hope you enjoy your freedom once you've left!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/05/2016 10:59

I'd still go. I wouldn't trust them an inch. They've lied to you, tried to trick you and are knowingly exploiting you. You were worried they might put you out on the street in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

I'd leave under your own steam while you can.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 04/05/2016 10:50

'we don't bother with the legal stuff because it doesn't suit what we need'

Shock
IceMaiden73 · 04/05/2016 10:40

I'm so pleased you have spoken to them - well done for standing up for yourself - he sounds like an ar$e

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 04/05/2016 10:37

Well done OP, you were brave and assertive (you really shouldn't have had to be though, the cheeky bastards)!

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 10:02

Hi everyone, I just wanted to update you all because I managed to put my big girl pants on and speak to them last night. I had a slight breakdown in front of the dad after the kid had been whining on at me all day, and I just decided then that I needed to tell them. This will be long, so happy reading.

We sat down and had a talk and basically you were all right.. They were trying to exploit me. They didn't admit to it as such but it was clear that they knew exactly what was going on (obviously) but have convinced themselves it's ok, because they make it up through going out for meals, going out on the boat etc. I haven't been declared, I haven't had any CPAM or URSSAF forms/paperwork and none has been filed. I'm here illegally and so I'm not protected by anything. They haven't drawn up a contract because they know what they're doing is illegal.

They were asking me about how the sick kid, V, had been during the day and I said he was at the point where he was fed up of being ill and just wanted his parents. I told them it had been a difficult day. At first the father agreed, saying that it was probably the most difficult day that I could have had and the rest will be easy, but he went off on one very shortly after about how it hadn't been a difficult day, that I need to stop looking at everything glass half empty, because I'm in France with a lovely family and a car and I'm on an adventure. He was incredibly patronising and argumentative, saying that whatever was wrong with me wasn't his problem, but it was annoying to him because I've cried more than any of their au pairs ever have before. He's seen me cry twice since I've been here, I don't see how that isn't really normal for a first time au pair. The mum was more understanding because she was an au pair herself, but she said she knew I was sad and she just wanted me to be happy. When he lost it with me, I just made up my mind to leave.

I brought up the amount of hours I've done so far, including the 14 hour day yesterday, and the father just didn't see the problem and got quite angry with me. They are well aware of what an au pair legally should be doing: that I should be having language lessons and a clear set of 30 working hours a week, set duties etc. The father said to me 'we don't bother with the legal stuff because it doesn't suit what we need'. He absolutely refused to see my point of view regarding hours at first, saying that my unwillingness to work as much as they wanted was a question of character. I told him no, I'm looking after YOUR children. I don't feel I can do that properly if I have no time to recharge. They won't be safe because I won't be alert, they won't be happy because I will be unhappy and stressed, and I won't be as fun because I'll be tired or ill all the time. At this point he calmed down and I think he saw that it wasn't a refusal to work or a personal attack, but that I just can't and won't do what they're asking me.

I found out that in summer, when they're both working 7 days a week, I would've been expected to do well over 60 hours with the kids - still for €100 a week. They said sometimes I would start at 9am and go until midnight, then be up at 7am the next day and work another long day. I told them that for me, that isn't going to work, that they had told me max 35 hours a week, and that I wouldn't put their children - or anyone else's children - in danger. Which brings me to talking about having 5 kids in the car and looking after other peoples' kids. They admitted the 5 kids thing was wrong once I mentioned how I could have my license taken away, but their response to looking after other people's kids was 'c'est la vie.' I said yeah, that might be life for you, but you know these people. You socialise with them, you know their children, you are friends. These people and their kids don't know me. If I'm overworked, they don't know and something bad or dangerous could potentially happen. They don't know if I drive well, they don't know anything about me. They are leaving their kids with a stranger. I understand that it's life, but I told them 'you can't keep things like looking after other people's children hidden from potential au pairs, because it's misleading. I agreed to look after your kids. I understand sometimes that they will have friends over or they'll want to go and spend time with their friends, but you never mentioned to me that I would be doing this on a weekly basis. You also can't expect me to be able to look after anyone's children properly when I'm working so much.'

They saw what I was saying and why I was saying it, and we've agreed to part ways. They don't, however, see the problem with what they're doing. I think he is very headstrong and proud but knows deep down that what he's doing is wrong. They don't need an au pair and it's unfair for them to advertise their lifestyle as suitable for an au pair, because it simply isn't. They need a nanny. I told them I would give them 2-3 weeks to find someone else, and then I'll go. You will probably think I'm an idiot for doing so but I have no doubt that if I hadn't agreed, I would've been thrown out there and then to find my way out of a very very small town, and I really don't want to part ways on a bad note despite everything because I do really adore the children. They have convinced themselves that they are very generous people. I think the mum knows that what they're doing is wrong because she barely said anything, it was the dad doing most of the talking. But we've come out of it all feeling better and friends, I managed to have them laughing at the end. I'm happy to be able to go home and earn more money with properly set hours and schedule.. and obviously much better pay. The plan at the moment is to go and see my boyfriend for a couple of weeks before I go home, then get a job and save, and maybe spend a month in France or more. It depends whether I want to return to university. I had a message from another family regarding au pairing starting in September and they seem to do everything legally. Obviously if I go again, I will make sure I draw up a contract and have all the legal paperwork done.

I just wanted to say thank you for all your help, for encouraging me to stop downplaying what they're doing, and for advising me on the legal stuff so I had some ammo under my belt to fire at them. They know I've caught them out. I just hope I can get out of here quickly, but I already feel so much better knowing that I will be home in a few weeks or so. We've agreed to put it behind us for now and enjoy the rest of the time we have together. They told me I was really brave and mature to handle it like I did, so I'm hoping they won't take the piss now they know I will stand up for myself.

Thank you all again, sending big hugs.

OP posts:
PhoebeMcPeePee · 03/05/2016 22:14

I think waiting until the weekend is a big mistake and why are you going to the caravan if the kids aren't even there? In your situation I would:

  1. Pack my bags
  2. Sit down with parents TOMORROW going through hours worked, pay, living conditions, rules etc and explain that unless there are some major and immediate changes you will be leaving,on Friday.
  3. Leave on Friday.

Life is way to short go and stay with your boyfriend for a few days and then decide whether to go home or find a summer job in Bordeaux.

Please don't be posting about your awful host family in 2 weeks time Sad

Goingtobeawesome · 03/05/2016 14:23

I stayed the year but refused to do a second one.

didyoureally · 03/05/2016 14:08

I just did a double-take when I saw that you had only been with this family for a week. I can hardly believe what has happened to you in such a short amount of time. If this is an average week I think you will make yourself miserable by going through more of the same for the next few months.
You sound lovely, but you need to stop worrying about what this family thinks about you and use your free time to prepare for your escape!!

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 13:47

Thank you so much, your stbx au pair sounds like she's incredibly lucky. I know I need to get out.

I'm gonna let the kids go away this weekend and I'll speak to them then. That way if I need to go, I can get home. Gonna pack my bags on the quiet today, and then if I need to I can come back and grab them.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 03/05/2016 13:45

God I was just like you when I was your age. Just don't put up with this shit. Leave - I'm guessing your French is good, go and get a summer job in a bar in Bordeaux or something. Stay in a hostel. Go and pick some grapes www.seasonworkers.com/summerjobs/resorts/summerjobsinfrance.aspx.

Don't waste your youth too timid to leave a manky caravan with an entitled pair of twats!

catsrus · 03/05/2016 13:41

I second the advice to look on the helpex site - my dd worked her way around parts of Europe doing helpex and is now in South America doing the same. I have had au pairs and one of them had a friend, another au pair, who was being treated like this in the UK - she LITERALLY had to polish the family silver Shock - we advised her to leave. This should be a wonderful experience for you, not torture!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/05/2016 13:29

My au pair is "working" her notice btw. I'm not a total mug.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/05/2016 13:28

Stop saying they give you food and a nice room like it's a massive favour. I have a terrible au pair who expects me to provide very specific food, cook her meals do her laundry, announces she's not working X or Y day at no notice, doesn't do what I asked, gives me cheek when politely asked something and I still pay her £90 a week and her gym membership for an average of 22 hours! I even let her use the loo when she wants it would be nice if she returned the favour

Seriously, get out now.

Kidnapped · 03/05/2016 13:14

Stop thinking about it so much.

Work until Thursday, and then just tell them on Friday and head off. That gives them a few days to find alternative childcare which is frankly more than they deserve.

Spend a week in Bordeaux and see if you can find a job and share a flat with another girl or something. If it doesn't pan out then head home.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 12:32

LyndaNotLinda, yeah I've worked out that as of today - a week since I got here - I think I have worked out that tonight I will have worked ~51 hours (working 14 today alone). So, that comes out about €2 an hour, if not just under.

They've given me a portable heater for my caravan but there is not any hot water so I'll have to use the shower and toilet in their house. I don't think they're planning to spend any time with me this weekend so it's going to be really sucky sitting alone all the time in my caravan. When we're at this house (which is where I would prefer to stay this weekend seeing as the kids aren't around and they really don't need me), I have a really nice room and my own toilet but the shower doesn't work. We also aren't really here the majority of the time because we're always running over to the caravan site. They do give me food as well.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 03/05/2016 12:25

They've denied you a toilet man, time to leave.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 12:14

I know, I think I'm gonna do it this weekend while the kids are away. I don't want them to be there when we're talking about it.

I'm sorry, I'm just in a difficult position but I know you're right. Thank you so much for all your advice. I'm really glad to know I'm not the only one who finds it all unreasonable.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 03/05/2016 12:13

Why are you going to sit in a caravan with no heating and hot water all weekend? Don't go! Just leave.

They are supposed to provide you with food and board - that's what you get as an AP.

Seriously - have you sat down and worked out your hourly rate for your 100 euros??

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 03/05/2016 12:09

So what if they do? Stop worrying about people who don't give a shit about you.

Come on, woman up!

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 03/05/2016 12:08

Goingtobeawesome, I very highly doubt it as their English is not fantastic. What did you end up doing?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut and BoboChic, I want so badly just to pack it in but I'm worried they'll think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 03/05/2016 11:38

Could they have seen this thread? They suddenly pay you $100 and tell you the kids like you. Sounds like emotional blackmail.

I was an au pair and didn't know I had to clean the whole house until I'd been there for more than a month but nowhere near as bad as your situation. Go home or get another job.

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