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Original poster

Miserable Au Pair - really need advice

210 replies

flossiebee123 · 02/05/2016 11:56

Hi everyone,

I'm a 20 year old English girl who has just started working as an au pair in France. I'm absolutely miserable and already desperate to go home. I started last Tuesday. I get paid €80-€100 a week, depending on 'how well I do' for around 35 hours, although I would say I've already done more than that. The father told me how much I 'get right' determines how much I get paid. If I do something wrong, I get paid less. I get given a car so I can take the kids out to places. I am supposed to have 2 days off a week when the mother is off from work.. although today, one of the kids is sick (on the mum's day off, therefore supposed to be my day off too) and she's left me at home with a very sick kid and has gone out to meet her friends. She's taken my car so I can't go out, and won't be back til late evening.

So much has happened and come to light in the past week and I feel very torn about whether to go home or not. Deep down I know I am unhappy and won't last (I'm meant to be here for 4 months) but I'm so shy that I don't feel I can approach the parents, especially as they have been quite kind in some ways.

On the first day I arrived, everything was fine, I just followed the mum around and met the people around them. We had a chat about what I had to do, and that was fine. In the evening, she went out so I was left alone with the dad and the kids. He basically gave me a lecture on how important it was that I make a good impression on the first day and in the first week, which only added to the pressure. The younger of the kids, the boy, is very full of energy and sometimes plays up (although not when I'm around). That day, he did something a bit stupid and I was expected to discipline him. They told me about one of their other au pairs who wasn't that great in their eyes because she wouldn't tell him off. I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's kids but it's what they seem to expect.

The next day, we went to all the kids' activities, and it came out that I was expected to drive them to their activities, which was never mentioned. I understood I would have to do some driving, but not entirely take over the parents' duties. I was expected to remember my way around after one drive. I also found out I'm expected to drive the kids' friends to the activities as well, which was again never mentioned. At the end of the day I sort of had a breakdown because she wrote up a 'planning' for the next week, and I found out I will have to cook for them which I was promised I wouldn't have to do, but I actually wouldn't have minded had they been honest about that straight up.

They have a camp site at which they spend the summer. I was told we wouldn't be going there until July, but I got told when I arrived that we are supposed to go there every weekend. In their emails, they promised me an all equipped caravan so I could have my own space. At the weekend, we went there and they had left the electricity and water disconnected, and I can't use the toilet or shower because they're broken. They lock the house at night so I can't go in, so I can't go to the toilet if I need to. I had no heating so I was really cold. Friday was supposed to be one of my days off too, but one of the kids (the one that's off today) went home sick from school and I was expected to drop everything and go to the camp site.

I was promised a smart phone so that we could keep in touch easily, and so I could keep in touch with my friends because the area I'm in is very isolated. They lied about this, then my actual phone didn't work because they couldn't be bothered to find the charger so I've been having to use my English phone. It's only today when V is sick again that they bothered to find the charger.

I have had next to no free time because of all the chores I'm expected to do, I haven't even been able to explore the area in the time I've been here. They leave the house in a tip in the morning so I spend most of my day cleaning, then I have to go and get the kids from school and do all my evening chores and jobs. Even on my days off so far I have just been cleaning. I was supposed to be off yesterday and today but have spent both days looking after the kids. I completed all the housework the other day, they came home and moaned at me because the cat was still in the house.

In the summer, it's only going to get worse as the parents don't have any time off so I will be working 7 days a week without any free time. I get a few weeks off while the kids go away to their grandparents', but I already feel so exhausted and unhappy. I don't know if I'm going to last that long.

Am I being unreasonable? Is it wrong of me to want to go home? I really don't want to let them down because they're a really nice family but I'm so unhappy and don't want to be here at all.

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EmmaPausalBitch · 05/05/2016 00:30

FlossieBee you've done so well. Please don't feel obliged to stay another day with this family - I'm glad you're ready to leave quickly if you need to.

30 years ago I was also exploited as an au pair in a small town near Nice. Like you, I had far too much work, but the worst thing was that I didn't realise sleeping with the father would be part of the job. When I made it clear that this was not going to happen, he got nastier and gave me more and more work to do. When I caught him hitting the housekeeper, I knew it was time to go.

I didn't tell him I was leaving because I didn't trust him not to stop me. I took his car, left it at Nice station and got a train back to the UK (I was £10 short of the air fare!)

The housekeeper said she had somewhere to go and was going to leave. In retrospect, I don't think I believe this. I hope she was ok.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 23:35

alltheworld, do you mind me asking what happened?

OP posts:
alltheworld · 04/05/2016 23:30

I as mistreated as an au pair in France once. I got up one morning, packed my bags and left before they woke up. Just leave.

KindDogsTail · 04/05/2016 23:15

It's a pleasure Flossiebee123.

Good!

Best of luck.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 21:51

KindDogsTail thank you so much for making me smile! I am worried too but he seems to be behaving himself and I think the threat of me leaving if he kicks off again is enough to make him keep his stupid mouth shut.

OP posts:
Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 21:47

I've managed to escape to the other house for the weekend because the kids are off school and they decided to take them to their grandparents' tonight. I wrote a note after putting away the laundry and tidying up saying that I was going to sleep here because my caravan thing is full of ants and spiders. They seem to want to see me tomorrow evening so I think that we are on ok terms.

We went out for dinner with the kids tonight, just me and the dad, because the mum was working til late. Their much hyped-up opening of the camp restaurant was today but we were the only ones who went.. I feel horrible for finding it funny, but after the amount of time they've spent there instead of with their kids, it's quite amusing. The kids were awful at the table. The youngest ate 1 slice of pizza and was then allowed dessert (??), which he ate about 2 spoonfuls of, and the other was jumping around on the chairs. I just gave up because the father was there, it was only me saying to them to sit down properly and eat their food. He ended up going off to show people where to park their caravan at the camp site, left me with the kids without saying anything so they obviously got up and started messing about even more. The chef at the restaurant saw me get up and my plate was still 70% full, and he said to me 'you look exhausted, go and sit down and finish your food, we'll look after the kids so you can relax for 5 minutes' and I just wanted to cry (haha) with relief. Didn't get to finish my food. Helped clear away after despite the dad saying 'just leave it all there' and the kitchen staff were so grateful. I also found out that the

BuggertheTabloids, they do need a nanny. Not me, not an 'au pair'. As I said, they wanted me to do 60 hour weeks in the summer (7 days a week, varying hours per day) for €100. Found out my pay has been equal to about £1.55 an hour. No overtime pay for sickness. €100 is the max they're willing to give, no matter how many hours. It was assumed that I would stay home all day both days with V, and then I got blamed when he got bored for not going to the other house quick enough. But he was too sick to play outside anyway, and I had household chores to do. Funnily enough, the dad was the one who didn't get why I wasn't 'au camping' sooner..

Italiangreyhound I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy it! I think it really depends on the family. I would work in Bordeaux, but really I just want to be able to work a lot and build up my savings properly, or travel and be able to spend quality time with my friends and boyfriend. The lecture was very worrying but I think he just talks out of his backside really. He's a very proud man.

Radiatorvalves and LeaLeander, I will watch them very closely. If they don't pay me I won't hesitate to start gathering stuff to file a report. I kept all the emails and stuff, they're in French and English, so I have a lot to back me up as well as all the text messages and call logs. My boyfriend knows that if anything bad happens I will be on a train asap. They've been nice today so I think we'll hopefully all be adults about it, as he said. The problem is that the dad is very bitchy about people and I would rather not be badmouthed to the kids. They told the kids this morning that I'm going to be leaving, and because of that I found out that he told the youngest one, V, who is like a parrot, that I cry all the time. So obviously V repeated that at dinner and I just carried on eating.

I'm going to try to benefit from the time I have left here. I'm planning to go to the beach tomorrow (finally!) and this weekend I'm going to go exploring a bit. They know very well that they are treading on thin ice with me so they're being alright for now. I am just so shocked that they hid the working hours from me and then acted like I was being unreasonable. It's delusional.

OP posts:
BuggertheTabloids · 04/05/2016 21:19

Sorry Italian! Guess it just wasn't for you then Smile

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2016 19:26

BuggertheTabloids re "Italian I'm sorry you had an awful time. It makes me so cross that people treat au pairs badly." Actually they were not terrible and they did not treat me too badly at all. Nothing like what the OP has experienced!

It's just that to live and work in someone else's home is not great, the work is dull and the pay is low. I did it for an experience before doing something else. I was not in a foreign country so no fun side or learning a language side.

I've been a cleaner, a chamber maid and a mother's help too, but in those cases I got to go home at the end of the day.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2016 19:23

You said the father just didn't see the problem and got quite angry with me. This is very bad indeed. He sounds awful. If he gets very angry again, please protect yourself and do whatever you need to do to get out safely. If you feel at risk make sure someone can help you move out when the time comes, your boyfriend, a friend? He sounds decidedly dodgey. You really do not owe them anything. ny more anger for him and I would just call it a day. Their home is your workplace and that is workplace harassment, I am sure the French would see it that way too.

KindDogsTail · 04/05/2016 18:30

Well done Flossiebee123
You have been absolutely brilliant!

I cannot imagine taking that man on at your age, or at any age, and in French too. Also, I am so impressed by the way you asserted your point of view while also being so kind and pleasant.

But this is very worrying:
it's because he got very, very angry when I offered to stay for a week, and he was quite aggressive.

Put him on strict probation.

BuggertheTabloids · 04/05/2016 18:01

Italian I'm sorry you had an awful time. It makes me so cross that people treat au pairs badly. I have heard some horror stories from some friends of our au pair. I just don't know why people do it. In my view it's a two way street. We treat her well and help her out, she does a good job for us and I have enjoyed learning about her country into the bargain. First time for us though so perhaps I'm lucky and it won't always be like this!
So OP, if you are not being treated well, just leave. You are under no obligation to these people. It's just not worth it and remember if they have a problem with you leaving then it is NOT your fault, it's theirs.

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2016 17:40

flossiebee123 I was an au pair in the Uk for four months, a very long time ago! I hated it. The work is hard and boring, the pay is minscule and you do not feel at home.

If you already have a French boyfriend and connections a town in France why not try and find a regular summer job nearer him, if this is what you want.

Please do not allow your emotions to get in the way, you sai somewhere yuo love the kids, please don't let emotions get in the way. Te kids are probably very used to au pairs and may well be used to playing them up or being nice or whatever. And you said "The mum spoke to me last night and said she thinks the kids really like me, so I feel kind of trapped. " You are not trapped and you do not need to stay.

The lecture on your arrival was enough to raise alarm bells, who needs to have a 'boss' telling you to make a good impression!

They have lied and misled you. Please make it clear to them you will be going and make arrangements to leave.

I agree with the other wise posters and especially SnoozeButtonAbuser "Tell them you are NOT taking 5 kids in the car. They can tell you which kid not to take, or you won't take any. Tell them you worked 50 hours last week - write down what you did each day. Tell them you didn't get even 1 day off, let alone 2. Then tell them you aren't happy and you are leaving at the first opportunity which is [whatever day ASAP]. You keep saying they are nice people. NO they're not. At all. leave."

Plus just be business like and professional, they promised and did not deliver. It's not necessary to be apologetic, they can be if they like, you do not need to be and either way, it's time to go you are not being treated like this.

LeaLeander · 04/05/2016 17:33

They don't have to "see" why you need to leave right away, OP. They are using you illegally, exploiting your youth and inexperience and probably planning to scam you out of future pay. And using bullying, intimidating language and mannerism to cow you into doing what they want. I am sure it is frightening to be alone in that situation but in doubt, say nothing. Do not make promises that you feel bind you to them.

They have been paying you 2 pounds an hour ! To do intensive child care and all of their housework in unpleasant conditions. It's an outrage. You need not placate them, just pick up your bags and leave. There must be a hostel or hotel you can stay in for a day while you arrange to meet up with your boyfriend.

Other poster are right, this man will likely withhold your future wages anyway.

BuggertheTabloids · 04/05/2016 17:18

This sounds outrageous. I have an au pair and I would not dream of treating her like this. It sounds like they are trying to get a full time nanny on the cheap. Apparently people do try it on quite often.
I cannot believe they did not pay you extra to look after the kids for longer. If mine are sick, and I have to still go to work, I ask the au pair if she is able to help out, and if she is then I pay her extra.

Radiatorvalves · 04/05/2016 17:08

You asked higher up about the contract - you don't have one, you don't need to give notice, you can just walk out.

Good on you for having the confrontation - however, I would be wary about staying in those conditions. They sound absolutely appalling exploitative people. Can you rate them on the website where they advertise so that future "employees" can be warned? After you leave, obviously.

Sometimes on MN you get people who are anti the concept of the AP and think that all employers are exploiting ogres....they aren't. However, your family is an absolute shocker.

SnoozeButtonAbuser · 04/05/2016 16:50

If they say no, just leave! Nobody needs to sleep in a spidery bed, not for any amount of 'keep it polite-ness'!

jamenhej · 04/05/2016 16:33

Hi OP, you've done amazingly well so far! I'm normally a big one for fulfilling your commitments and not letting people down, but in this situation I think you would be totally justified in leaving asap, especially given your bug infested living conditions. Look after yourself on this one, best of luck!

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 16:13

LyndaNotLinda, when he'd calmed down he said they will pay me as normal and we're acting like the conversation never happened. We all know it's not a good environment for the kids if we're busy arguing or being horrible to one another. Ironically he said 'we're all adults here', but I will be adult about it and let it go. I won't forget it, and I will be wary and careful, but I will let it go for the kids.

I'm going to ask them if I can stay at their other house this weekend while the kids are off. There were ants and spiders galore in the caravan last night, even in my bed, so I won't stay there after tonight. I really don't know how they expect anyone to deal with these conditions.

OP posts:
Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 16:09

I will give them 2 weeks. I really just didn't want to escalate the situation last night because they absolutely refuse to see why I want to leave straight away. I don't think he will do anything, it's a worst case thing, but I do have my stuff ready in case I need to go fast. I'd rather just go quietly and leave it on good terms than causing more drama and upset by leaving right now. It might seem foolish and I am appeasing them, but it's for my sake mostly because I really don't want to be put in a difficult position.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 04/05/2016 15:59

I'm so glad you stood up to them - good for you! However, I'm afraid I agree with the people that you shouldn't trust them. I very much doubt you'll see another penny out of them.

They aren't afraid you're going to report them to the police for tax evasion, illegal employment or safe transport of children so I very much doubt they think you'll go to the authorities if they stiff you out of pay for the remainder of the time you're there

passportmess · 04/05/2016 15:56

I agree. If someone got very angry with me while I was handing in my notice, I'd leave immediately. I have done so in the past.

INeedNewShoes · 04/05/2016 15:51

You need to be a bit careful. You said you would stay for a week, he got angry, so you gave in. You've set a precedent. He now knows that if he gets angry you are more likely to do what he wants. I really would go sooner rather than later if I were you.

Original poster
flossiebee123 · 04/05/2016 15:34

Brassica, I agree - I think he showed his true colours. My passport and money are in my handbag so I have them on me all the time. Thank you :)

LeaLeander it's because he got very, very angry when I offered to stay for a week, and he was quite aggressive. I really didn't want anything bad to happen so I just tried to appease them as best I could, especially as the mum just didn't do anything. She just sat there watching. This weekend, the mum is off so she'll have time to start trying to find someone else. I refuse to be brainwashed and they know it, the amount of work is too much and I won't change my mind. It's a beautiful country but that's the only thing I'm really enjoying. I like being with the kids, but I don't like being with them enough to continue being exploited. After their disregard for things that matter to me, I really don't want to stay and will not be staying for longer than 3 weeks.

I've told them they need to be honest on their profile and say they're looking for someone who will do over 50 hours a week. I can't stay for long anyway, because my passport runs out in July. I'll be gone in 3 weeks at most. That's my limit.

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 04/05/2016 13:27

I actually gasped when I read the part about 2-3 weeks.

These people are skinflints, scam artists, users and tax cheats. Plus the husband sounds like a controlling asshole to say the least. Why do you feel such deference to them as to stay for that long?

That gives them time to either brainwash you or find another victim. Not to mention wasting a huge chunk of your summer.

Brassica · 04/05/2016 13:02

I think you handled it really, really well. From your first message on Monday to the update this morning, you have matured and toughened up, which you needed to. I'm appalled that any family would invite a young girl into their home to treat her in that way, but there you go. At least you have had the good sense to recognise exploitation for what it is.

However, I agree that the father in particular is a slippery customer and can I just please implore you to keep your passport with you at all times, do not leave it anywhere that he could find it and hang on to it as a way of getting you to stay against your will. Same with your money. Hide it or keep it on you, but don't leave it to chance.

Best of luck with your next steps.

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