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Original poster

Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

212 replies

ReasonablyIntelligent · 18/02/2016 17:45

Hi all,
I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with my Employer as I'm becoming increasingly unhappy in my position.

I am contracted to work 48 hours a week, Mon to Fri - I am aware that this is unusually low hours for a Nanny, a week typically being 60, so I am grateful for that.
However, since I started (4 months ago) I have yet to work a 48 hour week.
I live in a granny flat attached to the family home so obviously don't have a commute and am easily accessible.
It started off with Mum asking me if I minded staying an extra half an hour at the end of the day, always very apologetic. So instead of finishing at 5.30/6.00 I would finish at 6.30. Fine, don't mind staying late if she really needs it once in a while.
Now, however, 6.30 seem to be my default finish time, and I actually now consider it to be an early finish as 7.00/7.30 is more common.

This isn't so much "asked" nowadays as "told" and since Christmas there has only been 2 weekends that I've had the full two days off. Most of the Sundays had been booked in advanced - fair enough - but almost every weekend now I've been asked to work "just a few hours" so that the Mum can catch up on work. The problem with this is that we live extremely rurally and I don't have a car* which means I rely on public transport. By working even a few hours - my entire day is taken over, as I have to plan around the time and rarely can go out, in case it'd make me late. I also feel uncomfortable knowing I have to be back for a certain time so generally don't risk going out anyway.

I'm also feeling quite put upon because this extra work that my Boss is having to complete could easily be done in her working hours but she spends a lot of time during the day fussing over me or getting distracted by the baby. She must spend about an hour in 10 minute increments throughout the day just basically faffing with the baby.

*The job I applied for was offering a separate apartment away from the house and a separate car - neither of which actually happened. They had trouble with their first nanny and I think didn't want to make more financial commitment early on (fair enough) and said that it'd be something they look after I'd settled in.

Anyway, sorry for the essay! Am I being completely ungrateful and unreasonable? I feel so trapped (we're in a very rural area in a foreign country where I don't speak the language) as I just don't seem to ever be away from work.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 08/03/2016 09:51

Think you have made the right choice. She sounds nutty and hard to work for

Why only 2 weeks notice? Can't rem if you signed a contract? Giving to end of may is a long time 2.5 months - 10 weeks

Pigeonpost · 08/03/2016 09:45

She sounds horrendous!! Glad you now have a way out.

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 08/03/2016 09:40

Technically I'm contracted to only provide 2 weeks notice at present (so the 22nd March).
However, they have a lot of trips planned so I guess it would be fair to say the end of May to accommodate this.

For me, the next two months won't be too difficult as the Mum is away a lot (aforementioned trips) which is part of the reason I thought I could stick it out for the long term, my theory being that she would get less anxious as the baby gets older.

But I only "have" to stay for 2 weeks, so I guess I'll see what comes out of the discussion.

Only1scoop · 08/03/2016 08:58

Yes I gathered you wouldn't just up and leave I wondered if your period of notice has begun. How long do you have?

FishWithABicycle · 08/03/2016 08:58

I think that's the right call, this employer sounds like a nightmare and you will be much happier somewhere where the parents allow you to actually use your training and experience to provide childcare rather than expecting you to follow slightly unhinged fads all the time. Good luck with job hunting!

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 08/03/2016 08:56

I will definitely work my notice as its absolutely not fair on them to just up and leave, they have a lot of busy work things coming up.

TBH I don't know whats happening as she just upped and walked off before we could really discuss things so we'll need to have a proper talk to work out the details. Confused

My plans are fuzzy - I'm obviously going to have to find another job which I'm dreading as it's very hard to find nice families. I'd already booked to refresh my 1st aid certificate and am doing a Makaton Course next week to add to my CV (quitting has clearly been at the back of my mind for a while!) so my CV should be quite appealing.

Only1scoop · 08/03/2016 08:50

So OP

Are you actually working your notice? What are you're plans?

NotAnotherNameChangeAgain · 08/03/2016 08:31

Oh God, that was so long Blush - perhaps should have started a new thread

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 08/03/2016 08:31

So I handed in my notice (verbally) this morning.
Funnily enough, it wasn't about the extra hours but because I just can't handle my boss anymore.

She was away on business the last 5 days and the baby and I had such a great time and I felt so relieved not having to constantly look over my shoulder or expect to be scolded/told to do something differently.

I think Boss has, amongst other things, a severe Health Anxiety. She frets constantly over her own health, taking a smorgasbord of tablets every day and going to various doctors, physio, oesteopath appointments every week. If I'm ever mildly ill she'll ply me with tablets and remedies and stern warnings that I need to "be really careful, Reasonably, it could develop into X, Y, Z" when all I have is a headache.
She's like this but 10 million times worse with the baby, covering her in various medicated/herbal creams, making sure that her environment is exactly so, making sure she takes various supplements and drinks fennel tea everyday, the baby monitor is on a special mode so that it doesn't give extra radiation in the room, our phones must be on airplane mode whenever in the same room as the baby, she must be stimulated with at least an hours reading every day and we must play her only classical music, which will aid her brain development... the list goes on.

She'll pop up and correct me during the day, nag me about something on the list, change something I'm doing etc etc which I find really stressful; particularly as I was employed on the basis of my experience and qualifications and she has never had any experience with children at all and is basing everything she gets me to do on what she's read online. If I try and talk to her about any of the things she gets stressy and waves her arms about and inevitably cuts me off or simply walks away.

So last night she came home, about 9.30pm, and wakes up the baby for a cuddle as she hasn't seen her for 5 days. Fair enough, I guess, though I wouldn't have woken a sleeping baby. She then pulls me out of my room to go and fetch the different creams as she begins to stress that the baby is a bit poorly because "she seems a bit off". She notices that the temperature of the room is a few degrees too high (22C rather than 19C which is my bad!) so opens all the windows. She then decides to move the baby back to her little crib in another room so she can sleep in the same room as her. She also places some special oils in water to diffuse because "that chest thing hasn't gone away" (referring to a cold she had 2 weeks ago which I haven't seen any sign of for at least a week, except a bit snuffly when you first wake her up.). I'm finally allowed to go back to my apartment to sleep myself. Baby doesn't go back to sleep until 11.30pm.

Anyway (God, this is long - sorry), this morning she starts to have a go at me about the temperature of the room and tells me that I'm not taking the health and safety of her baby seriously etc etc etc. I apologise about the temperature of the room - that was my genuine mistake - but she carries on. In the end I stop her (which was pretty difficult) and tell her that I think we need to have a proper conversation together with her husband. She starts up again that she can't wait for him to be back from work to discuss health (he works away a lot) and I stop her again and tell her that wasn't what I meant - that I don't think I'm the right nanny for them and I think its best to hand in my notice. "Why do you think that? etc etc" And I try to explain (and I'm super anxious, and sweating and shaking so I don't feel I did very well here) that I'm clearly more laid back in my approach and I find it difficult to keep up with the long list of things she needs me to do for the baby.
She tells me that there's no long list, its very simple "take care of her health. take care of her mental health - that's not a long list - is it? No! I'd expect as a Nanny you'd understand the things that need to be done...etc etc" and then she had to rush off for a, you guessed it, doctors appointment so it was kind of left there.

(If you made it through that novel, well done! I'm very sorry! I feel better for writing it down though).

ps. I've now been working every single day since 14th Feb so I may be babbling slightly because of that!

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/03/2016 23:34

Guess depends if you can work the next two years without many days off burn yourself out but then retire ?

Money is not everything

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 02/03/2016 21:52

Could not couldn't. Confused sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 02/03/2016 21:51

I'll be honest, the money is a big factor.
If I stayed I couldon't retire in 2 years.
But there's also the reference to consider plus I've worked so many bad jobs that I fear if I leave this one, I'll just get into another bad job and be in the same position.

OP posts:
wizzywig · 02/03/2016 18:24

So is it this a situation you could live with? Because of the money?

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 01/03/2016 09:18

Blondes - yes the abusive job was through an agency but they haven't been very supportive at all. In fact I think they went and found them a replacement nanny at a later date...

Despite all of the above, this job has actually been the best job I've had as far as treatment by the parents goes. I've had a lot of nanny jobs and this is the first that has paid overtime, not treated me and the other staff like dirt, not had an abusive parent etc etc.

I'm worried that if I quit I won't find another job where the parents are nice people, let alone one with similar pay. (Not saying all parents are horrible at all, but I've done a lot of nanny jobs and the treatment has all been about the same).

OP posts:
iamtotallyserious · 29/02/2016 19:51

This is really bad. I cannot imagine treating a nanny like this. Ours is live out in central London but is also on a very healthy salary. I would not dream of doing what your boss is doing. I would occasionally ask her to stay an extra 15 mins if I was running late or having a shocker and by occasionally I mean maybe once or twice month at the most, but I will often let her leave half an hour early (def more than once a week I reckon) - we just had a new baby and I am on mat leave so bedtime is crunch time at the mo but I don't keep her after hours as she has a life too!

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/02/2016 19:42

You didn't get the job via an agency that's a colour and item of clothing?

Things will not change here

You need to leave

Money isn't everything

We have to safeguard so you did the right thing to report ex db. Was that job tho an agency. Can they give you a ref or the mum - I'm assuming she supported you : believed her child?

Pigeonpost · 29/02/2016 10:13

Woah. It just gets worse with every post. They didn't have trouble with their first nanny, she had trouble with them. Get a new job and get out. You can justify the short employment period by saying that the reality of the job wasn't what was promised. It wouldn't put me off as a potential employer.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 28/02/2016 22:11

I agree with another poster who said get job hunting sharpish and then ask for a formal chat - you can't carry on like this so its time to either confront mb or end up just walking out. In your shoes I would insist:
Sunday's off. Non negotiable and access to car or taxi allowance.

Happy to do paid overtime, but within fixed/pre-agreed hours only - I can't believe you're still working mid afternoon despite being promised a day off. She's really taking the piss here.

I think you also need to try and convince her to let you get on with your job and have a bit more freedom. Whether it's worth pushing this is up to you but I suspect whatever she agrees not much will change here.

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 28/02/2016 15:37

Not sure if I mentioned earlier but when I spoke to my boss about having last Saturday off I said "I won't have another full day off until Mid March"and in amongst her shouting she said I'd have this Sunday off.
Well, it's Sunday and guess who's been working since 8am...
It was meant to be "just 3 or 4 hours" and I'm still here, 7.5hours later Sad

Just wanted to whinge! Sorry!

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 23/02/2016 13:34

They had trouble with their first nanny
Did they? I can't imagine why..... You could bend over backwards for this family by the sound of it and as and when you choose to leave I think it is highly unlikely it will go down well.

Couple of points:
What the mum does during her "working day" is irrelevant and for the love of god don't raise that as an issue. She and her husband will need to find the time to allow her to work late if she needs to do other things within your contracted working hours.
You were contractually promised certain hours and the use of a car. Both have not been honoured and you have presumably passed your probation period? If you are still within that probation period then now is a good time to raise the issues as your notice period should be shorter?

Its time for a chat/3 month review whatever
Simply put, you are happy to extend your contracted hours up to a point but will require sufficient time off to recharge your batteries and have some sort of a life outside of their family. A car or a serious taxi allowance is a necessity and is actually restricting your ability to flexible because of transport scheduling. You need to state at a minimum how many hours/weekends fully off you need on a weekend. They will need to employ a babysitter/weekend nanny if they really can't manage.

Finally, you are a professional nanny. You should be able to make a case for her child's development that he/she needs to get out and about more. It doesn't all have to be in sweaty, snotty ball pits and soft play. And a car would obviously reduce exposure to germs on nasty public transport.... Grin

Were you employed via an agency? It might be helpful to seek their advice?

ZenNudist · 21/02/2016 09:34

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to stay in the job for a reference it's going to wear you down and make you feel trapped.

Even if you do want to stay longer you've got to say no more often and stop being guilt tripped into no leisure time. Set your own boundaries. No one else will.

selly24 · 21/02/2016 01:27

Ask for a review so you can chat, ask how they think all going and you can air your concerns. Any hours outside contracted hrs are at your discretion and I hope you are paid for ?
Do explain the hassle of having to be available in in middle of weekend day and stress on using public transport- car would make this easier so maybe they will get a car for you once you have have explained ...
Be direct and clearly explain your point of view.

Original poster
ReasonablyIntelligent · 20/02/2016 20:03

Thank you, I'll make sure to do that.
I have been keeping my eye on job ads but I'm reluctant to leave here too early because it'll look bad on my CV, and if I left on a bad note there's obviously the lack of reference too.
(To cut a very long story short, my last Nanny position will not give me a reference. I was there for 2 years and caught the Dad beating his youngest son with a belt and had to report him to the police - so I'd have no references for my previous two jobs which obviously looks super dodgy).

I don't think the Mum sees the swimming and gym as leisure time as the physio has recommended she do it (I think) because she has a bad back.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 20/02/2016 19:59

Just read your last post. An joe angry for you. That's awful that she gets all that time to herself whilst you do your job then does her job whilst forcing you to do overtime. I was originally sympathetic to workaholic and letting work take over her life behaviour but actually she gets to enjoy some leisure ... You deserve that too!!!

ZenNudist · 20/02/2016 19:57

I was going to suggest constructive things to help but actually sounds like you've been put under too much pressure.

Step 1 start looking for another job. Step 2, knowing about step 1 stop worrying about offending them and take your time back. Sit her down, tell her that the overtime has become onerous and you need to have a weekend off. You could also request car so that you aren't tied to the house when you work a few hours at weekends. That could be your fallback negotiating position that you will still do 2 hours on a Saturday in the understanding that you are given a car to get out and about.

Keep it friendly but professional. Know what your requests are and remind then if the terms if your contract. Your aim is to improve the situation you find yourself in until another role comes along. If it does improve and you stop feeling so isolated and miserable then you might end up staying but I'm not hopeful.

Also learn to say no. Stop agreeing to any extra every single time it is asked for. Routinely say no. As for evenings you could say that you will be finishing at x time and you would appreciate her making an effort to stick to it.

Tell her that just because they can offer payment they can't expect to monopolise your time.

Shock Sad for you... Flowers