Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

She doesn't need to take more time off, her husband does.

Yes

This is almost identical to a story I read on here a few months ago about an overbearing boss with a ridiculous list of dos and don'ts for the baby. I wonder if a search would bring it up? I remember some great advice on that thread. I'm sure blondes was on it ...

Are they swiss op?

Not that you can say that of course

Ah for some reason I thought you'd only been there for 2 months. 5 months is more than enough time to have gained confidence in you and chilled a little especially if there are frequent trips away and the baby is safe and well. She can't have it both fecking ways!

Good luck with the chat tonight.

She doesn't need to take more time off, her husband does. Bit more balance in their baby's life. If Mark Zuckerberg can take paternity leave then he can manage the occasional bathtime FFS !

She definitely sounds like she isn't coping and could be suffering from PND. :(

However, that is Not Your Problem. It is however her husbands. Hopefully your talk will make that clear to him.. if not, for her sake, I might have a quiet word with him.

There are 2 main problems - overtime and your boss overshadowing while you're working. Suggest they need a bigger pool of babysitters for the regular overtime and also you don't have a lot to lose by saying that the overshadowing while you're looking after the baby is causing the job to be more stressful than it needs. It sounds a lot as though she wants to spend more time with her own baby but can't seem to say no at work - you could ask directly about that.

What would happen (I assume you've not had The Talk yet?) If you wrote yourself a list of bullet points you want to remember, so, maybe along the lines of:

• you love baby, but the extra hours, and no days off are not sustainable, so you feel you have no option but to hand your notice in. Subject to the below, you are prepared to work til May, but if at any point you decide it's not working, you get your 2 weeks notice. If they decide to replace you, you get paid til May. *Contracted to 48 hrs, but working 7 days a week isn't healthy for you. You need one day/ week free (Saturdays?)
• contract offers a car. You need access to a car, or bottomless taxi fund now
• as baby gets older, she will benifit, and be stimulated by getting out more. Two trips a week out is insufficient (or baby comes to do your jobs with you when overtime kicks in!!)

Good luck. You can't keep doing this.

I know, this is part of the reason why I haven't left sooner she's a lovely woman and I get on with her well, if she was just a controlling loon I'd have left months ago but she's just incredibly anxious - I don't know if this can change though.
Re: waiting it out - I've been waiting almost 5 months at this point and it doesn't seem to be getting better.
Re: sucking it up; I agree. She pays me so I do have to do what she says, to a certain extent. I won't list all the things I have to do out of the norm but trust me, the wipes are the tip of the iceberg. Some of the things are genuinely not good for the baby.

I just don't know what to say, I'm really anxious about it.

I agree she sounds as though she's got PND and not coping with her work schedule - I feel sorry for both of you. In my crazier moments and in crazier jobs I can imagine being like this - the mum lilkely spends a lot of time dementedly googling 'solutions' to her baby's 'problems' when she's stuck on trips/at work. Not sure what you can do except see if the Dad can acknowledge that she's got to get a grip. It's a shame the room got a tiny bit too hot because she'll pin all of her unreasonable demands on that evidence. I'd be tempted to flat out say that they need an auxiliary nanny for the ad hoc extra hours - you can't unfortunately suggest that the mum works less, although that's probably what needs to happen.

She sounds incredibly anxious poor woman.

Re the wipes. If she wants you to wipe her child's backside with fairy dust and fairy liquid then to some extent you have to suck it up. It's her child and she is paying your salary. There is no excuse for elbowing you out of her way though.

After working for a month straight I doubt very much that you are in a really tolerant / patient frame of mind and it must be totally exasperating to have your perfectly competent care interfered with and routines f**ked up.

It is her first child though and she doesn't sound well so your choices are

to state your incompatibility and leave
cut her some slack and see if the neuroticism improves with time [subject to improvements in your working conditions generally]
have a word with her or her husband about her levels of anxiety.

I should elaborate - the mum woke her up from her afternoon nap and then blamed the nappy rash as to why she was then crying. She decided that she should remain indoors all day (it's 12C outside and sunny) and should spend all afternoon nappy free and only nap when she's so exhausted we have no choice. The water wipes I was using were snatched from me and she pushed me out of the way to change the nappy herself, sending me off to get a bowl of water and soft tissues (which she insists we use rather than the water wipes always, despite baby being almost 8 months old).
The housekeeper then comes up with the camomile tea.
Baby was very unhappy (as she was over an hour overdue her nap by this point) but mum insisted she stay awake, on her belly without a nappy as sleeping would involve having a nappy on.

I should point out that nappy rash is mild to moderate at worst and is there because baby has mild diarrhoea (spelling?).

It has now been 3 hours since baby should have napped and she's frantic. Finally convinced Mum that whilst nappy free time is excellent for nappy rash, she needs to sleep and having a nappy on for an hour will make.little difference. Mum reluctant to agree but had to go off to a medical appointment (her 3rd today).

Whilst I'm sure cam tea is fab, this seems to be a massive over reaction to me.

We are wiping her bum in soft tissues dipped in warm camomile tea because she has nappy rash. I'm clearly on to a losing battle here and this talk tonight is not going to go well

I've seen lots of people on MN recommend it as a solution Generally goes out the window with child No 2. No nappy wipes and metanium cream works better imo but each to their own.

Wow. I could not do this job even if I was being paid an absolute fortune. I'm sorry OP but I just don't think it's resolvable. Her expectations are completely unrealistic and unreasonable.

We are wiping her bum in soft tissues dipped in warm camomile tea because she has nappy rash. I'm clearly on to a losing battle here and this talk tonight is not going to go well

It might be really handy to set out your preferred routine on paper so it's all down in black and white. If you have time, it's also worth showing how that will change in 3 months as the baby starts to drop a nap and get more mobile?

It's a) confidence inspiring and b) easier for the Mum to see where there are suitable slots for her to spend time with her child during the day if she wants to read war and peace for an hour

But your main challenge needs to be their timekeeping and your time off. They are royally taking the piss now. If they want a nanny on call 24x7 then they need to pay for 2, it's as simple as that.

She sounds bonkers!

Don't worry too much about the meeting. Keep to the basic facts and don't feel that you have to embellish on them or give numerous examples. You can write it down beforehand.

It's better to say too little than to whiter on too much or to try and fill in any gaps in the conversation.

If they make any proposals make sure you give yourself plenty of time to consider them. If you don't want to make any immediate decisions then tell them that you would like to think about things and that you will get back to them the following day or whenever.

Make sure you have a good read of your contract beforehand.

Good luck.

Firstly I apologise about the name change mid-thread. I'm still me!

So Boss and I disagreed again earlier as I was about to take baby out for a walk but she wanted me to stay in and play with her. I explained that we were going to have 45 mins of tummy time after the walk so that she would be tired for her nap, she became really resigned and lethargic and just let me go, but cuddled baby first really sadly - which made me feel really guilty for some reason - This is a bit of a simple description but I didn't want to go on and on, the key points are that we mentined having a talk again and she seemed really sad.
Later in the day she calls up my bank to sort out getting another bank card for me, which is something I had mentioned before and then early this evening she is telling me about things we will be doing in May .

Just as I handed baby over for the night, Boss comes and lies down on the floor next to baby in her bedroom - then asks me if I want to have the talk now? (Er...whilst lying on the floor with the baby?) or tomorrow, her husband will be home tomorrow evening. I said tomorrow would be great so we've scheduled a "talk" tomorrow with her and her husband. I don't think she thinks I was being serious about resigning.

Her husband is the CEO of a really huge company and is excellent in these meetings - his English is almost perfect (hers is very very good but sometimes I think she misunderstands me) and he is very neutral (though I feel leans to my side slightly in previous discussions). He's also very good and stopping her from ranting and giving me space to make my points and clarifying my points - so I'm very keen for him to be there!

But I'm completely stuck as to what to say in this meeting. I'm serious about the resignation but if we could work things out that would obviously be wonderful.
Both my Mum and my best friend think she has PND/PNA and is feeling guilty for not being with baby all the time, so is channelling this via me - if that makes sense.
Is there a way of even resolving that kind of problem? The last thing I want to do is offend her, she is actually a really nice lady, just a bit health-mad.

Advice has been excellent so far so thank you!

I thought that might be the case. She's pretending that all is ok and hoping that if she doesn't mention the 22 degree thing again that you'll reconsider.

Genuinely it does sound like she has issues and they are spilling over to the care of her child, but making life untenable for you in their home. And the no down time is actually going to make you ill. If you are not well rested you are going to be in no shape ill or not to look after her child.

I've employed a nanny in the past. As a new mum it is a) very reassuring to be in the hands of an expert but b) it can also contribute to feelings of inadequacy and it sounds almost as though she is avoiding time with her child in the evenings [understandable as they are often tired and cranky so it's frankly the least rewarding time with them] and it's becoming a vicious circle.

You don't sound like you are going to be very comfortable pointing out all these issues verbally on a face to face basis so I'd start with a well crafted note which makes it clear that it is an actual resignation. I'd also make a list of what you want because if they come back to you saying that we'll do anything to keep you, you need that ready.

She sounds a bit unhinged but not negligent and it's in the interests of the child to have continuity of care, so I'd make an effort to lay out what needs to change with the implication that the next nanny is going to have the same issues.

If they have an extremely busy period coming up, what does happen if you get ill? Given the hours you are already doing, I would suggest looking for a weekend or part time nanny so you have some emergency cover.

Blondes - there are two issues with that, one for them and one for me.
If I were to leave in 2 weeks they'd be stuck in a foreign country with a lot of work commitments and no nanny. A temp nanny is not a likely option.
MY personal issue (though I'd overlook this if necessary) is that I've already booked a couple of flights home until Mid-April so these would be wasted (non-refundable) if I left in 2 weeks. This isn't the end of the world but there's no pressing reason I need to leave in 2 weeks.

Then I would give 2 weeks notice. As stated in contract

(and baby is 7 months)

To clarify during my probation we have to give each other 2 weeks notice.
After probation (27th April) we have to give each other 3 months notice.

tread thank you, that's brilliant. I'll be plagiarising heavily from you I think!

It's utterly bizarre now because she's acting like everything is okay and has just gone and booked me health insurance appointments whilst I was out with the baby... and then had to rush off for a call whilst I tried to talk to her again...

How old is the baby? Ball park?

Honestly, I would put your thoughts on the role and position in writing and send it to both parents giving the reasons for your resignation. It's a last opportunity to salvage things.

They haven't honoured your contracted hours and while you are happy to do overtime and occasional loco parentis weekends, you haven't had a day off in a month, you are exhausted and there is no change to that in sight.

You were contractually promised a car which has not materialised.

Your working conditions leave you feeling undermined and stressed and you feel that your professional qualifications and extensive experience are not accepted or given credence. Fundamentally you have a different mutual approach to parenting their child which you don't see changing to a point where you could continue in their employment.

Make it clear that you think the child is the best thing since sliced bread and that you will be leaving by X date, which is x days longer than your contractual notice period in recognition that they have a busy period ahead.

I would also state that by agreeing to an extended notice period, the obligation is mutual and should they find a replacement nanny at an earlier point, you will expect to be paid the full extended notice period as you will honour it.

If they run away from the last bit then you have your cue which is to find a new position asap.