Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

Repeat after me, 'Not my circus, not my monkeys.' YOUR circus is the fact that your mental health is suffering due to this ridiculous excuse for a job and YOU are being treated appallingly here.

'She is a lovely person who is just very headstrong and very anxious. '

She's not. YOU are a lovely person for putting up with any of this, and continuing to do so. These people have you chasing your own tail.

Seriously, you need to disengage from all this and take an assertiveness course.

And hand in your notice. This is just flogging a dead horse.

Notanother I've been following this thread since the start and have to add my view that this situation is not healthy, I believe you need to get out soonest.

You seem isolated (rural and also linguistically) and your employers are horribly stifling and controlling. You are not responsible for them, I would suggest a clean break is best.

You seem to be a good, experienced and caring nanny I'm sure you would find another role with a family that deserves you

I hope it gets sorted soon for you

Just hand in your notice - they will keep cancelling and rescheduling the meeting until you end up having to give 3 months notice. Explain that you love your charge but the working conditions are not what you signed up to - list your grievances. Explain that while you are aware the contract states two weeks notice, you are willing to do a handover and potentially be on a temporary contract with them on a week by week basis until x date so they have more time to find a replacement nanny.

I'm sure you know when enough's enough, doesn't sound like it's quite there yet. It possibly could get better, she's still a very new mum and new to having a nanny. You'll know after the meeting whether they really accept your points or not.

This is true. But I am there to look after the health and well-being of the baby. Which will be compromised by high levels of anxiety and stress in the household, inconsistent and overprotective care and a high turnover in nannies.

But you're right, I'm not qualified in counselling and she is displaying the signs of someone who is suffering from difficulties in mental health so I do understand your points.
I'm not trying to be argumentative or stubborn (and I apologise if it comes off that way) but I also don't want to just give up. I also love the baby and don't want to leave her.

I have walked out on crazy jobs before, I'm not a Martyr.

Definitely. You are neither her counsellor nor her HR Manager.

Nor her friend.

Is attempting to help her misunderstanding my role?

Who cares if she goes through nannies like tissues afterwards? It's going to happen regardless as she sounds pretty fucked up, tbh. You're not qualified to help her and attempting to do so is grossly misunderstanding your role.

All these people want to do is whatever they want. And what they want is blind obedience. You shouldn't like her tbh. She's upsetting you and she knows it and she wants to ignore it.

To be quite blunt, she doesn't care about you half as much as you care about her. And that's why the balance of power in your relationship is so fucked up.

Also, I very much appreciate the brutal honesty of MN (which is why I'm not on NetHuns) but [whispers] I'm not an idiot (scuttles off and hides...)

That's a no to the sole charge holiday then?

Yes, I will be talking to her and being as firm as I possibly can about it in this meeting next week. Which we WILL have, otherwise I will just hand in my notice there and then - and give them the min 2 weeks too.

I realise that its not my problem but having spent so much time with her I can honestly say that she is a lovely person who is just very headstrong and very anxious. The next Nanny will have exactly the same problem. And the next one. Until eventually they realise who the common denominator is and change and then it will be a dream job which I did the majority of the crap bit for and won't get the rewards

But despite everything, I'm expecting to leave.
Though it's going to be very very hard to find a new job thats decent. Good Nanny jobs are really tough to find

I do agree about it not being your problem, mum boss's bonding. She's an odd combination of pushy and insecure, she does sound a nightmare boss. .From your perspective I'd hammer home that she needs to maintain better boundaries - when you're looking after the baby, she doesn't interfere, when it's her time with the baby, she doesn't renege and dump the baby on you and the stuff about only being allowed out the house 2 hours a day has to be discussed and discarded.

What annarose said.

This woman is not your friend and is not your responsibility. She is your employer and she is treating you very badly. You are an idiot for not having handed in your notice yet. I suspect that your employers know full well that they are mistreating you and selected you for the job because you clearly don't have the strength of character to stand up for yourself. Are you going to grow a spine or continue to be a doormat?

I couldn't care less whether she has parented or not, I absolutely do not judge her choice to work in any way.
But in this particular case, the fact that she has no experience with her child (ie. she hasn't had time to become comfortable with her) is affecting her behaviour towards me and me doing my job.
She WANTS to be a working parent, she loves her career and that's absolutely fantastic but she's going to go through Nannies like tissues if she doesn't calm down - spending time with her baby to become less anxious seems like a good way to achieve this.
All first time parents go through the panic stages because they're anxious - there are numerous PFB threads about this very topic. But once people get more experienced and comfortable with their children, this calms down. But in this circumstance, she is not getting that time to become comfortable.

I'm not treating her like a child. Admittedly I shouldn't have stormed off but she was waving her arms around and scolding me because I was preparing breakfast (for a very hungry baby) rather than playing with her first (which we do after breakfast).

Why on earth should you suggest that?? It's none of your business if she never spends any time with her child for the next 18 years!

She is not your problem to solve. Yet again you're putting her needs before your own.

Who gives a shit if she's never parented? It's her choice.

You talk about her as if she's a child.

You need to get the fuck out of there. NOW.

Lost my temper with Mum Boss this morning.
She was basically trying to micromanage my morning and tell me how to do my job AGAIN so I kind of lost it and said (not shouted but distinct stressed voice) "I know. I'm a Nanny. It's my job. I've been doing it for years!" and then stormed out of the kitchen. In my defence she was being really patronising.

I later apologised for losing my temper and she also apologised and said "I shouldn't have talked to you like that" so I guess things are OK but bring on this meeting next week! I think I needed to lose it though, I'm not a temper loser at all so I think she was a bit shocked!

I'm wondering about suggesting that after the semester has ended (end of May) and her workload has decreased significantly that she take some time to be sole charge with the baby. My original thought is 2 months! But someone suggested she'd be done after 2 weeks. I think a month is a good amount.

She's had a Nanny from Day 1 and with the exception of the odd weekend, has always had someone on hand (me, housekeeper, family etc) to help out and I think she NEEDS (and really wants!) to spend some quality time taking sole charge of her own child so that she can relax, bond with her and - yes - get an understanding of what looking after a baby in the long term is like and what is and isn't feasible. At the moment she's had very little one-on-one time with the child and I think she's still very tense and anxious about her.

What do people think of me suggesting that?

Bet they don't dictate how many hours a day she can spend away from their home each day.

Do you realise how fucked up these people are? Oh, and the comparisons they make between you and her, the lectures, scolding you like a child? Those are designed to wear you down, wear down your confidence, make you doubt yourself and the job you are doing, confuse you. It's a classic abuse tactic, too, as well as doing something nice every now and again. This is why people get hooked into situations/relationships like this. It's not overnight and the people are not monsters to look at.

Have your friends and family really not pointed this out to you? I would were you my friend.

There are very very few nannies in the country that I work in. It's not really in the culture, there are a lot of Au Pairs.

I think they treat the housekeeper well but we don't speak each others language (and I don't speak the native language, though she does) so I don't hear what is being said to her nor can I communicate with her either. She has been there for a very long time though (I think at least 5 years) and they often comment on how "diligent" she is (normally when scolding me over something, I'm thinking of the time I dropped a crisp without realising in the kitchen and the Mum had to pick it up - cue 15 minute lecture on diligence ) so they've certainly made me know she's valued.

And how do they treat their housekeeper?

They are stringing you along with the meeting, probably because they know that you are likely to give them notice after the meeting. They know they have a busy May, so need you. But clearly they either have insufficient understanding of how poorly they are treating you, or just don't care.

Are you in a country where lots of the nannies are from less economically developed countries?

Just because they are sometimes nice, doesn't mean they aren't abusive. Please leave this appalling situation for your own wellbeing op.

I mean I think it just could be the mum being super controlling and wanting maximum opportunities to waltz in and cuddle the baby (I understand, I wfh myself and the main benefit is being able to pop in and see the kids) but I'd never tell my nanny she couldn't go out for 10 hours a day so I could maintain the chance of doing this at all times - it's totally nuts. The mum needs to figure out that if she wants to see her baby more she needs to work less at set times.

NotAnother you've nailed it about the mum wanting to look after her own baby but that doesn't excuse their nutcase behaviour: - Ask them 'Please explain the reasons you think it's in the interests of your child and your nanny to be limited to a maximum of 2 hours out of the house'
You should go on to say that in your training and previous experience such a request is unprecedented and without a foundation in normal childcare arrangements. These people sound as though they are used to having their word taken as gospel but they do not know what they are doing - they're floundering with the baby. Be clear that you are the expert on childcare, not them, I'd make this point several times as eventually they ought to be able to understand that they aren't actually in the best situation to judge what's best. Bonkers. I've never heard of limiting people's outdoor time...

I'm not sure they're abusive, they have done a lot of nice things for me as well. I think they are just very anxious and are very blinkered by it.

We didn't get a chance to talk about the max 2 hours a day thing (though that's their version of a compromise!) but it will be the theme of the discussion next week.
No Nanny I know (or parent for that matter) would be able to handle having such a time limit imposed on their outdoor time every single day, and no one would agree that it is healthy/stimulating for the baby to boot. I have very good grounds for that one.
Though I was talking to my best friend about it yesterday and she thinks that they are just going to say "We don't want you out longer than 2 hours" and will brush off my arguments - in which case, again, I will just leave.

If they cancel the appointment again - I will just give my 2 weeks notice. By that point it will be almost a month since the original "talk".

I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that Mum Boss just wants to look after her own baby (which is why she wants her in the house all day) and there's nothing wrong with that - but if that's the case, she needs to do it herself rather than impose so many rules and restrictions on an employee.

Agree with expat that they are abusive. I went from an abusive relationship with my EXH straight into an abusive relationship with my employers. Years of conditioning by EXH meant I didn't recognise the behaviour quickly enough and wasn't confident enough to stand up for myself and set clear boundaries from the start.

I cannot stress this enough. GET OUT NOW.