Taking advantage of Live In Nanny

They can rent you a car and possibly get a short term lease on a flat. They need to cough up if they want you to stay. You aren't asking for anything that they didn't offer in the first place. You need to stop being so understanding. Would you be ok with them not paying 1/3 of your pay? That is effectively what they are doing and they've made themselves massive savings already, so can afford to spend a bit more in the next few months.

Will you get a flat in NY? What was the original agreement for those 4 months?

Thank you

Honestly, I would like a separate flat in the long term - this was the original job description and in my apartment I can hear EVERYTHING in their house, plus there's a really complicated alarm system that has to be set every night so I always have to be in by a certain time/they know where I am etc etc plus I can never have friends over.
However, if I stay, we'll be going to New York for 4 months in the Autumn so I can understand why they wouldn't want to fork out for a flat (or a car, I guess) until after that.

I've written all of your suggestions down, thank you.

At the moment I feel sick at the thought of another confrontation. There were better times to break up with someone I think! (It was me that did it though, so I only have myself to blame!)

You need the car you were promised. Give a time frame for it - perhaps a week. Including car seat and permission to drive the baby. And allowed to use it for personal use in time off.

Be allowed to take the baby out for X hours a day, with a kitty for activities and be allowed to do Y number of activities a week.

2 evenings babysitting a week, otherwise you finish at 6pm. Max 1 weekend in 4. Or something like that.

Continue to be able to give 2 weeks notice for a further 3 months and then for negotiation.

Not to be shouted at. Ever.

Do you want the separate flat?

So sorry to hear your crappy news 💐

Have you got a way you could pass them a list of what you want to discuss before the meeting? A list of five points so that you don't have any knee jerk reactions in the discussion, just a proper discussion?

1. Implementation of overtime- notice of minimum 24 hours unless emergency
2. Expectations of nanny duties/daily planning
3. Feedback of criticism
4. Hygiene standards
5. Expectations of free time

Hi all,
I'm trying to work on my list of "expectations" or whatever you want to call them to go into this meeting on Tuesday - any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

I know that the general consensus is that I should just resign but I feel like I should at least attempt to fix things before making such a permanent decision. I will be extending my probation so I don't get trapped in the 3 months notice.

I broke up with my boyfriend today, we hadn't been seeing each other for long so its not really a big deal but that has removed the only connection I had in this country (though he was maybe moving to London so it was never a set thing anyway).

Anyway, any advice appreciated.
Please be gentle. I've had a really shit day.

The OP was responding to this question:

If it was a member of your family or your best friend in this scenario what would you be advising them to do?

Not talking about the parents.

'Honestly, I'd advise them to stand their ground in the meeting and have clear expectations for what they want to change. '

You would? That's shocking.

You seem determined to stay with these abusive people. You have Stockholm Syndrome.

Best of luck.

Honestly, I'd advise them to stand their ground in the meeting and have clear expectations for what they want to change. If the parent's refuse to make the changes, or say they will and then don't follow through then I'd advice that best friend/family member leave.

And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going in with a clear list of things that I need to be changed in order for me to be able to do the job effectively. I will also go in with my written notice to present should they be unwilling/unable to make these changes.
I'm also going to ensure my probation is extended so that I have an adequate amount of time to see the changes be put in place and maintained before I go past the mark of having to give 3 months notice.

I'm trying to come up with a simple list of those expectations, which I need to work on and haven't really had the time. We're driving back from Switzerland tomorrow and I have the weekend off so I'll have more time then but off the top of my head:

1. No limitation placed upon when/how long Nanny and baby can leave house (within reason)

2. Nanny is left to take responsibility for the day-to-day care without interference or criticism
   2)b) Feedback is more than welcome but needs to be presented constructively and not "drip-fed" throughout the working day, but instead bought up at a mutually convenient time

3. Overtime during weekends (excluding when abroad) should be restricted unless, of course, in the case of an emergency

Those probably aren't very well thought out but its a start!

**It really should be noted that I'm more than prepared to hand in my notice should the meeting not be successful. I don't say this in a stroppy way but I can't live like this for much longer.

This is a classical abuse relationship

They chuck in a few nice bits to keep you on board but treat you appallingly the rest of the time. Bit by bit they are controlling you and you are allowing them to do it by minimising it

If it was a member of your family or your best friend in this scenario what would you be advising them to do?

I've just read from start to finish - wow.

OP, what you've described here is not a unique reaction to a set of circumstances (mum becoming anxious after having baby). These are set behaviours that were likely present before the baby was born and now mum has a puppet to control they are really starting to show.

I've nannied for a long time, abroad and to VIPs. I've experienced this level of health anxiety (point blank refusal to allow me written permission to administer medication, only to give me packets and packets of homeopathic remedies with instructions in a foreign language, and expectations of giving children enemas and daily nasal saline rinses). They either respect you as a professional or they don't. When they don't you tell yourself that they pay you plenty of money, and you can deal with anything they throw at you. It damages you. You lose pieces of yourself. You begin to feel inferior to them because they have enough money and control to make you feel that way.

The baby is not being abused. It is not your responsibility to fix this situation. In your shoes I would craft a polite email explaining all the reasons you find your current situation untenable, and tell them you're handing in your 2 weeks notice. They may try and salvage things, and that is your call to make as to whether you'd be happy to accept the proposed changes. If they let you go you have provided them with the necessary information to self evaluate and make better choices/be better employers next time. As expat said, not your circus.

You need to leave, they aren't treating you right and you deserve now

It really isn't worth it for the odd Lindt bunny.

I think that people treating employees poorly often drop in the odd treat, more to convince themselves that they are a pleasant employer than the other way.

I started reading this a month ago and I just came across it again today. I cannot believe you are still there. These people treat you like shit and you are too involved to see it. Get out before it is too late and you feel you have to give them 3 months notice. Honesty, you need to get out!!

You are massively overthinking all of this. Who cares what the reasons for their behaviour is - it's of no importance. The job isn't working out and I think you are daft very optimistic if you think they will magically change.

I think you should just hand in your notice and leave as soon as you are able - I wouldn't work any longer than the two week notice. The baby will be fine.

Your free time's not really your own without days off or a car though is it?

They are micro managing everything you do, that's not on.

'I just think that they're nice people who are very overwhelmed.
To be clear - I'm allowed wherever I want when I'm not on duty, so long as I let them know when I'm going to be home so that they know when to set the alarm. '

That is not 'very overwhelmed'. That is completely unacceptable. I'm truly concerned that you seem unable to see this. You dropped right into their lap. The other nanny wasn't as vulnerable as you. Hence, why she is no longer there. She quite likely told them where to shove it.

Their behaviour is alarming. Not 'very overwhelmed' but over-controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive.

True, Anna.

Crikey, do you think so?
I just think that they're nice people who are very overwhelmed.
To be clear - I'm allowed wherever I want when I'm not on duty, so long as I let them know when I'm going to be home so that they know when to set the alarm.

The 2 hours maximum thing is 2 hours max of taking the baby out of the house, which is then limited to countryside walks. Still completely bonkers and unreasonable but my free time is my own.
Apologies if that wasn't clear.

It's Stockholm Syndrome, let's face it.

'I find it really hard to think that they are abusive, she bought me a lindt Easter bunny today and was really quite nice all day confused'

Once you get out of there, it will become patently obvious to you, how their behaviour is abusive, almost classically so. The equivalent of a partner buying his/her other half flowers and chocolates after having treated them like shit the night before.

The 'we only want you out of the house a max of 2 hours a day and 1 of those is walking the baby' alone is stunning. Scolding, comparing your behaviour with a live-out housekeeper at length to make you feel about yourself, isolating you, fobbing off your concerns or turning them round on you to make you doubt yourself or accept blame for things that are not your fault. These are all very warped behaviour.

The fact that you haven't immediately handed in your notice despite having been home is worryingly indicative of just how much they have conditioned you to accept this sort of behaviour.

You're all right. I do need to take a step back and look at it from an outsiders perspective.
I find it really hard to think that they are abusive, she bought me a lindt Easter bunny today and was really quite nice all day

'Explain that while you are aware the contract states two weeks notice, you are willing to do a handover and potentially be on a temporary contract with them on a week by week basis until x date so they have more time to find a replacement nanny.'

These people have form for fobbing off the OP and stringing things along. This has been their standard MO the entire time. I wouldn't give them the chance to continue this.

They created their own childcare problems by being shite employers. So this problem, too, OP, is not yours.

I think you need to step back a little and consider things.

This child is not being mistreated by either of it's parents. This is NOT the situation you have just left. Granted a rolling succession of nannies is in no child's best interests but don't let yourself be suckered into a 3 month notice period.

By all means set out the reasons for your resignation in writing. If they really want to resolve matters you can simply amend your contract to a shorter notice period for a trial period. while they line up a more pliable replacement

Sorry OP I shouldn't have called you an idiot. Replace "you are an idiot" with "you are acting idiotically" - there's a difference.
I think you are a lovely person but you are consenting to being seriously mistreated by someone who really isn't.