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Original poster

Childminder wanting to put baby DD down for naps and let her cry if need be - not happy

56 replies

PutYourSisterDown · 05/01/2016 23:11

DD is 10 months old and we have the luxury of three months to gradually settle her with our chosen childminder before I return to work when she's 13 months. She'll go to the childminder two consecutive days a week, and my mum will have her at home on a third.

We went along this morning for an hour. It was mostly good. DD was happy exploring. I'll stick around for a month's worth of visits, then start nipping out for 10, 20, 30 minutes and so on.

The childminder is sweet with DD, a softly spoken and gentle person, lovely calm home, does lots with mindees and lots of outside time in wellies. All good.

But I don't think she gets why DD can't just be plopped in a cot and self-settle; she needs feeding, cuddling, rocking, a car drive, the sling - something to comfort and lull her. Anyway, it was a polite visit and all, and I don't expect to have the same views on everything childcare-related, but - and for me it's quite a big but - she says she will expect to put DD down for naps and would consider it normal and nothing to worry about if she cries before falling asleep. She'd pop in on her, but would essentially be doing a form of CIO I suppose.

I'm not happy about this. I don't see how it's necessary. We've never left DD to cry. I would have thought the default of all childcare providers would be to respond and not leave a child to cry, unless it's the parent's express wish/their normal routine. She will only have one other child to look after, a toddler who is used to going to sleep by himself, so I don't see why she can't at least rub DD's back, or let her nod off on her lap before transferring her to the cot, at least until she's settled. DD usually falls alseep on the boob - for this not to be available and to be offered nothing else comfort-wise would be cruel, I think.

Oh I don't know. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Although I have an older DC, this is the first time I've used childcare, so I may not have realistic expectations. So I'd be grateful for any thoughts on this.

Apart from this, the arrangement is looking promising - very close by, amazing ratio (one adult to two little ones), otherwise warm and kind woman - so I'm hoping we can make it work ... in which case, I'd also love some general tips for successfully settling a roughly one-year-old with a childminder with minimal upset.

Thanks very much.

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LentilStew · 05/01/2016 23:53

Can you not use this settling in time for you to settle her at the cm's house by just back rubbing etc. then over the next 3mths gradually wean her down to being able to go down without anything. Then by the time you go back to work, she won't need lots of comfort to settle.

JE1234 · 05/01/2016 23:49

As others have said I don't think she is being unreasonable. You have three months to work on DD being able to sleep without other things soothing her. It's not cruel, you can do it gradually and you don't need her to be left crying. It's just finding new ways. I found my youngest could only sleep on me for a while so I moved to putting him down with a hand left on his chest stroking him. He then progressed to being able to fall asleep with me holding his hand and then just seeing me. Eventually he was able to just fall asleep. It was the reality of the situation, I needed to return to work. It took about 2 months to complete.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 05/01/2016 23:49

Have to agree Backforgood - the settling in sessions do sound quite OTT.

BackforGood · 05/01/2016 23:45

I agree with the others.
Your expectations are not reasonable.
She will want your lo to be happy and will do her best to comfort her (you mention rubbing her back) if she finds that helps, but for all the reasons Iguess has listed for you, it's not realistic to expect what you are after.

I already think the CM is being incredibly patient with you, with your somewhat extended 'settling in' ideas. That really sounds OTT.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/01/2016 23:43

I think you need to adjust your expectations, the childminder will not just be looking after your daughter.

I would assume she means she would let the baby grumble for a few minutes to see if she will settle not leave to her become hysterical.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 05/01/2016 23:38

Hi I am a nanny.

While I am happy to do as my employers say regarding the care of their children [they are the parents after all!] I am going to say YABU.

Your comment " DD usually falls asleep on the boob - for this not to be available and to be offered nothing else comfort-wise would be cruel, I think " shows why having a crux at sleep times doesn't work. It is not your child minder being cruel but you. You have decided to go with a parenting philosophy that suits you/your child/your family - but it's not in your child's best interests if the child is then placed in a situation where these cruxes aren't available - While I can give a baby/child a cuddle or a teddy bear at nap time I can't breastfeed them to sleep. While it may suit you to cuddle your baby to sleep or sit for 2 hours on the sofa while they sleep, a child minder who has other kids to look after, toys to tidy up, paperwork to complete, a cup of tea to have [I wish!] really can't afford to do this. What if when your daughter is older she says to you the childminder doesn't play with her as she is to busy sitting and cuddling baby 1 to sleep, then she didn't get to paint as the childminder was to busy trying to settle another baby, that when they went on their eagerly awaited trip to the playground/zoo that they couldn't go as they had to keep driving round so that baby c could have a nap.

I understand your sentiment that it is upsetting thinking of your daughter being upset in this situation, but this is something that you need to work on at home in the next 3 months.

I have nannied for babies that I have done cc with as their parents wanted it; I have nannied for babies that have protested about going to sleep, I have had others that went into their cot and didn't make a sound, I have also had a couple that could only sleep if they were cuddled to sleep or walked around the block in the pram. With the ones who needed a crux [pram/cuddle] I managed to have them sleeping in their cot and going to sleep by themselves without cc and it dramatically changed their parents lifes and made for a happier nap time for everyone.

If you are 100% happy with everything else I would work with her to ensure your daughter has different sleep cues than breast feeding. If you don't want to change these then maybe you need to reconsider childcare options.

I hope it works out for your daughter.

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