Childminder wanting to put baby DD down for naps and let her cry if need be - not happy

I wouldn't be happy with that so I think YANBU. Mine doesn't self-settle (at 16m) and has always been fed or rocked to sleep. I chose a nursery over a CM as I presumed a CM wouldn't have the time to spend getting him to sleep with other kids about. The nursery have been great, bouncing him in a chair, singing to him, white noise etc and even though it took 30 mins plus for the first few weeks they just took it in turns when one had gotten bored something else to do. I did stop feeding him to sleep in preparation for nursery but once I knew he'd sleep there I started it again (as rocking wasn't working). I won't do CC or CIO.

I do admit the settling in seems lengthy, but I presume the CM ether suggested or is happy with this. I did nursery settling over 6 weeks but apart from staying for a couple of hours I left him there for gradually longer times rather than just popping out for a bit.

As a C.minder..I would never agree to this settling in period... Having another parent there for 3 months would be really tough on other children.Disrupts our routine and has safegaurding issues for the other child.

I breast fed till I was 2 so nothing wrong with b feeding however the 3 months would be better spent getting LO to sleep on own.. It is a skill they need to learn at some point..

I am guessing she doesn't mean just cry and ignore...However I have had a parent tell me they rub there childs back for 45 minutes to get them to sleep .. not an option here I have other children to look after...This mum though also seemed very shocked when LO was alseep in 10 mins with my method and slept better

Former CM here.
In the nicest possible way, if you genuinely like this CM and her setting, you have to let some things go.

The CM will do things differently to you. Your child will adapt.
Eg, I can just imagine an AIBU when a parent says her CM is bundling the other mindees into the the car and another parent (you) wants her child driven around to go to sleep. How would you react if the situation was reversed.

A CM (and your CM sounds remarkably patient so far) will rock and stroke your child, but if she has other charges their needs are equally important. She can't spend an hour rocking your child if another one has a dirty nappy.

If you do require this very high level of attention a nanny will be the way to go (where you have more control over what she does)
The CM is a self employed provider- you are purchasing the service offered, not dictating her every mood.

I think it's reasonable to agree some sort of settling method with the child minder. But a lot can change in 3 months

Personally, I think it's a waste of your maternity leave to spend so long settling in and I agree that it could be very confusing. Your DD may see the chikdminder' as some sort of playgroup (ie you stay) and be very upset when you go back to work

I'd enjoy the rest of you mat leave, leave settling in until a month before and work in sleep issues in between times

Three months is too much and will hinder the settling in period, not help it.

sorry but you are the parent childminders will never please, you'll probably find by the time dd goes to school you'll have been through a raft of childcare options and nothing was suitable as they weren't you.

I hope your relationship with your mum survives.

Think I must be reading a different thread to others

OP said:

She will only have one other child to look after, a toddler who is used to going to sleep by himself, so I don't see why she can't at least rub DD's back, or let her nod off on her lap before transferring her to the cot, at least until she's settled.

Rubbing a child's back to help it settle in the cot doesn't seem like a massively out-there thing to ask? Is this just something CMs don't do? Nurseries do that kind of thing all the time...

You would be better spending your time and energy on helping your child self settle than a prolonged settling in period.
I think your baby will find it harder to settle after such a long drawn out settling in.
Would it not be better to at least prepare your baby by getting her to self settle
It is unrealistic to expect to dictate everything to the cm
You are paying for her services, you are not employing her. While it is in the best interests of the child to have common ground, you do have to accept the cm will have her own way of doing things.
If you engage a builder you don't dictate how they should do the actual building
You need to realise the cm will do things her own way. She is the expert whose professional services you are hiring. If you have fundamental differences, then find a different cm.

Whoops, wrong thread!!!

Get out now!!!

Bit dramatic, no? The childminder hasn't revealed she beats children with a ruler

You need to find a different childminder, one whose worldview is more in line with yours. Because you'll find that sleep isn't the only difference you have. Eg She may use time outs or the naughty step when you don't. My kid is in nursery and they rocked her, held her, everything. Get out now!!!

I love and appreciate my current mindees' parents all the more after reading this.

You will probably find your DD behaves totally differently with the cm than she does with you. But I don't think what you're asking is realistic or fair on your CM or her other mindee. If you want sole care, you need to get a nanny, not a CM.

A child minder will follow ur routine to the best of their ability, the nursery my DSs attend asked me their routine & then said 'we may not be able to offer all of that would u be happy with this instead' & as my pair are easy osey I agreed. The only thing they could really offer was being rocked in a buggy to fall asleep, which usually meant being taken out a walk with some of the 'explorers' so it didn't take up too much time that they could spend doing other things, it was harder for ds1 as he was used to being rocked to sleep but as he got to the age of going to this nursery I was already trying self soothing so this made it slightly easier.
U are the parent & it is ur choice how u bring up ur child but u do have to realise that not every person that encounters ur child can treat them the same way, there will always be differences in how things are done & taught. X

"she needs feeding, cuddling, rocking, a car drive, the sling - something to comfort and lull her"

I am sure the childminder will offer some sort of comfirt not just throw her in a cot and leave her, she will preempt nap time with quiet time, she'll probably pt the baby in a cot cuddle her over and give hr a teddy and pop in to check on her intermittently etc but in a case where a parent knows that their child needs all this effort to go to sleep yet knows that she will be going back to work I think it's in the childs best interests to help prepare them with sleep cruxxes such as a teddy and a specific piece of music than taking them for a drive and then breast feeding.

For what its worth I put 2 little ones to bed at lunch time. Toddler got a warning about nap time and quiet time then up to bed a bug cuddle a quick recap of the morning, snuggled her up with a big kiss and left her to it. The smaller one [5mo] was given a nappy change and a cosy cuddle then popped in the cot with a kiss, the mobile put on and he grumbled for 5/8 minutes - I looked in at 4 minutes and then went to sleep. FYI the toddler who went to sleep by herself and without a peep used to be the 5 month old who used to shout herself to sleep.

Three months' worth of 'settling in' - why on earth?!?! Was this at your suggestion or the CMs?

You have got three months in which YOU can make progress on gently training your DD to nap without sleep props. Anyway, children tend to behave differently in childcare - DS napped like a dream for the CM, long before I got him to settle as easily at home. Your DD will be fine.

I disagre totally with lots of others in this thread. I think the very gradual settling in sounds excellent for you. This is exactly what I would have wanted. The carer needs to become like a trusted friend/aunt to your child, and to do this they need to know them. Of course kids survive a more rapid transition, sometimes even without stress/tears depending on personality.

In your shoes, I would be looking for alternative childcare. You and this childminder have fundamentally differing views on an issue that is important to you. It sounds like they will do it anyway, regardless of your instructions/views. I have used nurseries and nannies for my DCs. All have been happy to cuddle, rock or walk (in a buggy) my DCs to sleep, so it is not impossible, even with one person looking after more than one child. One of the factors in selecting a nursery was that it was obvious the carers were used to stroking, soothing and cuddling the children to sleep if that was what was needed.

Allowing a 10-12 month old to grumble through to sleep isn't the same as "cry it out" - some kinds of cry mean "everything is so overwhelming and I am so tired and need to be left alone" and back rubs and cuddles are actually making it take longer to go to sleep. I remember mine only a little older (just enough to be a bit verbal) screaming "no nap no sleep no tired no no no" over and over for a very loud 3-5 minutes before keeling over and snoring and sleeping solidly for 2.5 hours on a daily basis. Barely a few weeks previously when we still thought cuddling stroking and singing were helpful to induce sleep it would take an hour to get him to settle (rather than 5 minutes) and then he'd only be asleep 45 minutes.

You childminder sounds lovely and is probably very experienced and skilled at helping little ones find their way to sleep. It will all be OK.

And I agree with others that amount of extended settling in is ott unless the cm is also a close personal friend who will enjoy you hanging around their house so much for weeks on end.

She will want your lo to be happy and will do her best to comfort her (you mention rubbing her back) if she finds that helps, but for all the reasons Iguess has listed for you, it's not realistic to expect what you are after.

That is what the OP is after, though - back-rubbing or some effort to comfort her to sleep, other than just putting her in the cot and expecting her to settle alone from day 1.

OP, have you talked with the CM explicitly about this? If not it's worth doing so and seeing if you can reach an agreement you're both happy with. At my daughter's nursery they sing and pat bottoms/rub backs for children newly settling or having a tough time with naps - is that the kind of thing she'd consider?

A month of settling in is far too much. 3 sessions max.

My dd was the ultimate Velcro baby, but at 10mo she learnt to sleep at nursery with the others and no boob. She was BF until well over 2yo and co-slept from birth until almost 2, but in childcare she found a routine with the other children and loved it.

I think your expectations are unreasonable.

You are sticking around for a month then you will leave for 20 or 30 minute intervals? That's not having the " luxury" of a settling in period it's seriously bonkers.